-March 13th 1997-
At Central Perk everyone but Chandler are here and Joey laughs for no reason.
Monica:"To Joey".What's so funny?.
Joey:Oh nothing no.It's an acting exercise I'm practising my fake laugh.
Monica:Oh."Laughs".
Joey:W-what's so funny?.
Chandler enters with a cigarette.
Gunther:"To Chandler".Oh n-no,no-no-no there's none of that in here.
Chandler:Oh come on man!.At least let me finish this last one.
Gunther:Okay but only if you give me a drag.
Chandler:Okay.
Chandler hands him the cigarette and he takes a long drag.
Gunther:Oh dark mother once again I suckle at your smokey tit."Begins to hand Chandler back the cigarette".
Chandler:No-no why don't you hang on to that one.
I chuckle as Chandler sits down next to Rachel and puts a cigarette in his mouth which Rachel takes away from him.Then Chandler puts another cigarette in his mouth and Rachel takes it away again.
Chandler:Okay that's like the least fun game ever.
R
achel:Well I'm really sick of your smoking so I brought something that is going to help you quit."Hands him an audio cassette".
Chandler:Oh.
Chandler takes the cassette and puts it on his arm like the stop smoking patch.and it falls off.
Chandler:Nope that patch is no good.
Joey and Monica both do their fake laughs.As I laugh for real.
Rachel:Come on it's a hypnosis tape.This woman at work used it for two weeks straight and she hasn't smoked since.
Ross:Pffhah.
Rachel:"To Ross".What's your problem?.
Ross:Nothing it's just that hypnosis is beyond crap.
Rachel:Ross I watched you get hypnotised in Atlantic City.
Ross:Hey that guy did not hypnotise me!. Okay.
Rachel:Oh right cause you always pull your pants down at the count of three and play Wipe-out on your butt cheeks.
Phoebe:All right you know forget hypnosis. The way to quit smoking is you have to dance naked in a field of heather and then bath in the sweat of six healthy young men.
Chandler:Or what my Father called Thursday night.
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Soon at Central Perk Ross is handing Rachel a cup of coffee...Things have been quiet between them since their breakup.
Ross:Here you go.
Rachel:Oh you know what I didn't want cinnamon on this.
Ross:Sorry.
Ross scoops the cinnamon off of the top with his hand which makes me cringe...Frank Jr enters the shop.
Frank:Hi!.
Phoebe:Oh my God!.
Frank:Hi!.
Phoebe:Frank!.Hi!.
Frank:How are you?.
Phoebe:What are you doing here?.
Frank:Oh well you know I would've called but I lost your phone number and then uh my Mom locked me out of the house so I couldn't find it.And then I tried to find a pay phone and uh the receiver was cut off. So...
Phoebe:What happened?.
Frank:Ah oh the ah vandalism.
Phoebe:But also what happened between you and your Mom?.
Frank:Well we got into a fight cause ah she said I was to immature to get married.
Phoebe:Your getting married?!.
Frank:Oh yeah!.
Everyone:Wow!.
Phoebe:My little brother's getting married!.
Frank:Oh I knew you'd be so cool about this.All right ah hey do you want to meet her?.
Phoebe:Do I?.
Frank:Do you?.
Phoebe:Yeah I do yeah.
Frank:Okay, cool all right she just ah, parking the truck."To Joey".I'm gonna,I'm gonna get my ah my fiance man!."Leaves".
Chandler:You know I would've bet good money that he'd be the first one of us to get married.
Phoebe:Yeah isn't it fantastic?.
Monica:Yeah ah but Pheebs don't you think he's a little young to get married?.
Phoebe:What he's 18.
Ross:Exactly it'll be illegal for him to drink at his own bachelor party.
Joey:Yeah o-or to get a hooker.
Tabitha:Always illegal JoJo.
Frank enters with his fiance who is obviously much older than he is.
Frank:Hey!.Hey!.This is ah my fiance Mrs. Knight."He points out Phoebe to her".
???:You know i-it's funny um Frank told me so much about you, but your not how I pictured you at all.
Phoebe:Yeah I'm a big surprise.
Ross lets them both sit in his chair.
Monica:So um h-how did you guys meet?.
Frank:Well um I was in ah Mrs.Knight's ah I mean Alice sorry Alice I always do that.I was in her ah Home Ec class.
Alice:And he was my best student.
Frank:Yeah she was my best teacher.
Alice:Oh.
The two embrace in a very passionate kiss.
Chandler:If that doesn't keep kids in school what will?.
Ross:And so now you guys are gonna be married?.
Alice:Yeah.You know w-we talked about just living together but um we want to have kids right away.
I watch as both Chandler and Phoebe have shocked looks on their faces.
Rachel:Oh my God!.Great!.
Phoebe:Wow kids.Frank are you sure you're ready for that?.
Frank:I mean how hard can it be?.You know I mean you know, babies you know who doesn't want babies right?.And besides you know I never had a Dad around and ah n-now I always will cause you know it'll be me.Right?.
Alice:You know I mean really we do realise that there's an age difference between us.
Phoebe:Oh good!.Okay.Cause you were acting like you didn't.
Alice:Oh no but when it comes to love what does age matter?.
The couple both growl and hiss at each other and then kiss passionately again.
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At Chandler's Me,Joey and Ross are being lectured by Phoebe.
Phoebe:No I know,I know that this is Frank's life.
Phoebe walks behind us and Joey turns around in the leather chair we are sitting in to face her as Ross does the same with his.
Phoebe:You know.You know I don't want to be all judgmental you know but this is sick.It's sick and wrong.
Ross:Pheebs what is it the age thing?.
Phoebe:N-no oh I'm fine with the age thing you know until it starts sticking it's tongue down my little brother's throat!.
Joey:Pheebs he seems to enjoy it.
Phoebe:But I mean do you think he's gonna enjoy it when he's up to his elbows in the diapers from all the babies they have to have right away?!.This is not fair to Frank.
Phoebe walks behind us again and we again turn to follow her.
Phoebe:And i-it's not fair to the babies and you know what it's not good home economics.
Tabitha:Well.h-have you told him how you feel?.
Phoebe:Yes.Not out loud.
Ross:Pheebs if you don't tell him soon he's gonna be married and then you're gonna hate yourself.
Phoebe:Yeah but if I do tell him then he's gonna hate myself.I mean look at him and his Mom I can't...But you guys can please you gotta talk him out of it.
Ross,Joey,Tabitha:No-no-no-no-no.
We start to turn away but Phoebe stops us and turns us back to face her.
Phoebe:Come on you guys you have nothing to losenI have everything to lose. Do you want me to lose everything?. Everything?!.
Ross,Joey:No.
Phoebe:Okay I'm gonna go get Frank."Leaves'.
Joey:"To Ross".So we're walking down the street and I turn to you and I say Hey let's go hang out at Totally Nude Nudes remember?.And then and then you turn to me and say Nah let's just hang out at your place...Well that was a nice move dumb ass.
Tabitha:Joey if I remember correctly I hit you for even suggesting it.
Joey:Ross needs his hormones.
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Soon at Chandler's Me,Joey and Ross are talking to Frank.
Ross:All we're saying is don't rush into anything.
Joey:Yeah come onnthink about it.You're 18 okay she's 44 when you're 36 she's gonna be 88.
Frank:What you don't think I know that?.
Joey:Look the point is there's a lot of women out there you haven't even had sex with yet.
Tabitha:Yeah h-he's right,he's right.This is your time you know yeah you're young, y-you're weird chicks dig that.
Frank:Okay but isn't sex better when it's with one person that you really,really care about.
Joey:Yeah in a poem maybe.
I playfully hit Joey.
Ross:No the man's right that's what I had with Rachel.
Frank:You don't have it anymore?.
Ross:No I ah I slept with someone else.
Frank:Okay so wait all right so how does that make things better?.
Ross:It didn't.
Frank:Okay so what you used to have with Rachel is what I've got with Alice.
Joey:Now w-what,what is that like for you?.
Frank:It's so cool man it's so it's just cause being with her is so much better than like not being with her.
Ross:Yeah,yeah.
Joey:"Looks at Tabitha".I know what you mean Frank.
I blush and smile and after a few more moments of talking Joey says.
Joey:All right congratulations you lucky bastard!."Hugs him".
After our talk with Frank we are talking with Phoebe.
Phoebe:"To Joey".You're Frank's best man?!.
Joey:I couldn't help it there love is so pure.
Phoebe:Well then."To Ross".What about you?!.Huh?!.
Ross:I'm the ring bearer.
As Phoebe stands there in shock and disbelief Chandler comes out of the bathroom and walks to his bedroom.He's just got out of the shower and has the towel wrapped around himself high across his chest and another towel wrapped around his head like us women wear towels.Me and Joey watch and we both wonder what the hell Chandler is doing.
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At Monica and Rachel's place Rachel is getting Monica ready for her date.As we are all here except Phoebe and The door buzzes.
Rachel:Oh my God!.The millionaire's here!.
Chandler:"In a feminine way".Oh my God!."Jumps all around".
Monica:Guys please I'm just gonna have dinner with him.Okay?.
Chandler:Okay,okay just because he buys you dinner does not mean you owe him anything.
Monica:I know!.
Chandler:Okay then get the lobster!.
Monica opens the door for Pete.
Monica:"To Pete".Hey!.
Pete:Hi.
Rachel:Hi!.
Tabitha,Joey:Hey!.
Ross:Hi!.
We are all staring at him with huge smiles on our faces.
Joey:Hey how much cash do you got in your pocket right now?.
Monica:And that's why I'm not inviting you in for a drink."Sarts to leave".Bye.
Everyone:Oh-no-no-no-no....
Rachel:Just one drink?!.
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Me and Joey are at Chandler's to get something from Joey's old bedroom he uses for storage and as we leave with it as its the middle of the night and the lights are off Joey is walking into the living room and runs into the entertainment centre.
Joey:Every night I lived here.
We walk towards Chandler's bedroom and we hear the hypnosis tape.
(Hypnosis Tape:You do not need to smoke. Cigarettes don't control you.You are a strong,confident woman,who does not need to smoke.A strong,confident woman,who does not need to smoke.)
Me and Joey walk out of the apartment smiling to ourselves as we arrange a prank on Chandler.