Kabanata 20
Clearly
"I just wanted to say sorry for what I've said to you back then... Uhh... at your resthouse. I know it's really rude to say such things. Especially that you're helping us that time... Uhm..."
I lick my lips as I think about what should I said next. There are many things on my head right now, explanations, reasons, and many things. The problem is... I didn't know what should I say first. Naguhuluhan na talaga ako.
"Sorry talaga, Gen... At... uhmm..."
I closed my eyes tight. I hit myself for that. Fool! Mamaya na kayo magkikita tapos wala pa ring progress 'yung pagpapractice mo!
I know that this thing was really a stupid idea. Pero wala naman akong maisip na ibang paraan para kapag nagkiya kami, may masabi naman akong matino.
It's Tuesday morning, and I am busy preparing our breakfast and practicing my speech for Gen at the same time.
I am very pressured since I still can't organize what should I say the moment we meet! Ang masama pa nito, mamaya na 'yon!
The hell, right?!
"Amaia?"
I jumped out of surprise when I heard the old woman's voice.
"B-bakit po?" I turned to her holding a piece of kitchen utensil.
The curiousity on her eyes are very evident now. Tsk, ayaw ko pa naman na naghihinala 'to. Feeling ko kasi ay ay kapag naghinala siya, hindi siya pwedeng magkamali kaya naman aalamin at aalamin niya 'yon hanggang sa mapatunayan niyang tama siya.
"Ano na namang nangyayari sa'yo?" Aniya.
I acted as if I'm confused. "Ano po?"
"Bakit nagsasalita kang mag-isa?"
Mapanuri niyang tanong.
Narinig pa pala ako.
"Uhh... nagrereview lang po ako, la. May recitation po kasi kani mamaya." I lied and turned away. Umaktong busy sa pagpiprito ng itlog.
Feeling ko tuloy, ang sama sama ko na. Palagi na lang kasi akong nagsisinungaling sa kanya. It's not a big deal back then, pero ngayon... nagbago na.
Kapag sinabi ko sa kanya ang problema ko kay Gen alam kong iisipin niyang may gusto ako sa kanya. Though, it's very true. I don't want to lie and tell lies, but I also didn't want her to think too much about that, baka akalain niya na may namamagitan sa amin, kapag nagkataon ay baka mahighblood pa siya.
It's my own problem so I didn't want her to be in a bad condition just for that. Especially that this problem is nonsense, more thing is I am experiencing it because of my own fault.
Nonsense 'cuz if I just didn't have any feelings for him. This will be nothing for me. Baka nga hindi ko 'to nararanasan. Kasalanan ko 'tong lahat dahil sinabi ko sa sarili ko no'n na lalayuan ko siya, but look what happened... Yes, I did my best to avoid him but... I just fell hard.
I've said that I should end it before it starts. But little did I know, I've said that when It's already starting. I've said to myself that I should end this feeling towards him before the worst come but didn't I know that the worst already came.
I know myself. That's why it's easy to conclude that I am falling harder now towards that man. Kahit hindi ko pa 'yon naranasan sa iba, alam kong sobra na akong nahuhulog sa kanya.
But it can't be. Walang patutunguhan ang nararamdaman kong ito lalo na't ako lang naman ang may nararamdaman dito.
It's just a one-sided love, but it doesn't only the reason to stop this thing. Madami pang ibang dahilan para kalimutan ko ang nararamdaman kong ito.
I don't think I can do that. But I will do my best, in fact it's for my own good in the first place.
Wala na akong problema, hindi pa ako masasaktan.
I glanced at my Lola once again. She's still narrowing her eyes while looking at me. I smiled consciously and looked away.
"Sige, bilisan mo na dyan at aalis na tayo."
"Opo, la."
Sasabay ako sa kanya ngayon dahil martes nga at hindi ako maisasabay ni Ric. Maaga akong nagising since akala ko'y sobrang aga na naman niyang aalis tulad ng dati. Pero aniya'y mamaya pang bagya dahil hihintayin pa daw namin ang maghahatid sa kanya-sa amin sa bayan. If I'm not mistaken, it's the same man who fetch us on Sunday. Iyong nagpunta kaming bukid?
I didn't have any problem with that, kahit maaga akong nagising. I just spend my time here in the kitchen to cook us some breakfast. Kapag kasi aalis kaming magkasabay ng maagang-maaga, nagkakape lang kami at pandesal. But now, since may time naman akong magluto, nagluto na ako.
Pagkatapos kong magluto ay kumain na rin kami ng almusal. Saktong pagkatapos kong hugasan ang pinagkainan namin ay ang pagdating ng trabahante ni lola.
Walang ibang laman ang utak ko sa buong umaga na 'yon kundi ang ang pagkikita namin ni Gen mamaya. Kahit sa oras ng klase, ay nakatulala lang ako habang pinapractice ang sasabihin mamaya. Mabuti na lang at hindi ako tinatawag sa recitation.
I texted Gen that we'll meet at the coffee shop located somewhere near our School. Hindi yung palagi naming pinagmemeetingan ng kagrupo. Mahirap na at baka may ibang makakita sa amin. Ayaw ko pa naman ng issue. Medyo malapit lang ang napili ko para lalakarin ko na lang mamayang pagkatapos ng isang klase. I texted him the time and location but as I expected, he didn't reply.
At naiintindihan ko naman siya sa bagay na 'yon.
"Amaia..."
I watched Suzy walking towards me while holding her phone, I looked at her phone since she's looking at it every now and then. Para bang napakaimportante no'n para sa kanya.
Somewhat, I got curious.
I thought about another group activity. Magkamember na naman ba kami?
Maybe.
"What?" I asked formally.
"Totoo ba ang balitang umuwi na si Gen?"
I blinked twice.
Of course.
I almost forgot that she's just talking to me if she's asking about Gen. I remember the day when the news about him went to other country spread. Nilapitan ako agad ni Suzy para magtanong kung bakit siya umalis, kung kailan siya babalik o kung magtatagal daw ba siya. Of course, I answered her with all honesty.
I've said to her that I didn't know since I didn't really know the answer until when I realized it.
Noong araw din na yon ang huli niyang paglapit sa akin. Wala naman din akong pakielam, mas gusto ko pa nga na huwag na niya akong lapitan kahit kailan.
"Yes," I said in a cold tone.
Her eyes twinkled with joy.
"I knew it! Sabi ko na nga ba, hindi siya magtatagal, eh."
"Ano 'yon?" Tanong ng isa naming classmate sa kanya.
Ang lakas kasi ng boses niya kaya ayan at napansin tuloy ng iba.
She looked at the girl. "Si Gen, umuwi na!"
Some of the girls here in the room gasped.
"Talaga?" Asked by someone.
Galak na tumango si Suzy. Nag-iwas lang ako ng tungin sa kanila at pinagtuonan ng pansin ang iniisip. I should focus on the thought that Gen and I will talk later, I am going apologize to him.
I sighed heavily.
Sana lang ay matapos na 'to ay mapatawad niya ako. But either he accepts my apology or not, I will accept it wholeheartedly. In fact, I'm not going to apologize for him to accept it, I am apologizing 'cuz it is the right thing to do. Ito ang tamang gawin kaya gagawin ko. Bonus na lang kung tanggapin niya.
Patawid na ako ngayon sa kalsada nang may puting van ang biglaang bumusina sa akin. Bigla akong kinabahan dahil sa lakas ng busina nito. Napatingin din ang ibang tao at studyante sa banda ko kaya medyo naconscious tuloy ako.
I glared at that van before I continued to walk. I'm in the pedestrian lane, more thing is the traffic light was red so I didn't see anything that I did wrong.
Whoever the hell is that driver, he or she is probably not on his or her right mind.
Agad ko ring nakalimutan ang eksena na 'yon nang makita ko na ang pupuntahan kong coffee shop.
I suddenly realized the reason why I'm going at it.
Syempre, bigla na naman akong kinabahan.
Nang makalapit ay agad akong sumilip sa loob. Walang masyadong tao gaya ng gusto kong mangyari at wala pa rin si Gen, meaning... I am going to wait for him.
It's much better, though. Kesa naman siya ang nauna at maghintay sa akin.
Agad akong naglakad papasok dito at naupo sa isang gilid. The shop was airconditioned but the hell with it, cuz I can't feel any cool right now. I got paranoid and felt very nervous whenever I saw a car that can be his parking near this shop.
I almost jump out of shock when I heard my phone beeped loud. Agad ko itong binuksan.
Bigla akong nanggigil nang makitang si Magnum lang pala ang nagmessage sa akin.
Magnum:
Hi :)
My brows furrowed.
I didn't reply to her since it's very a nonsense message. She's always greeting me, as in every day. Naasar na nga ako, eh. Minsan ay nang-aasar lang kaya hindi ko na pinapansin.
Kaya walang sense ang message niya sa akin ngayon. Siguro ay may kailangan lang sakin kaya may pa emoticon.
My phone beeped again, I saw her name flashed on my screen so I quickly clicked it and read the thing she needs for me.
Magnum:
May itatanong ako.
I gritted my teeth.
Tama ako, 'di ba?
I did not reply to her again to make her realized that I'll not answer her but then, it didn't stop her from asking me.
Magnum:
Did you know someone named Belliana?
Magnum:
Please answer. Kung hindi mo sasagutin, 'to. Sasabihin ko kay Gen na may gusto ka sa kanya!
I closed my eyes tightly.
Gagang 'to.
Nagbanta pa.
I typed in my reply.
Ako:
Hindi ko yan kilala. Sino ba yan?
I have a feeling of what will be her answer to that.
I looked around first to check if Gen is here but still... no sign of him.
Binaba ko ang tingin sa phone ko nang nakapagreply na si Magnum.
Magnum:
Kaya ko nga tinatanong, 'di ba?
Magnum:
Anyway, just forget that I've asked you that, ok? Haay... akala ko pa naman kilala mo na.
I rolled my eyes.
Ang maarteng 'yon.
My head lifted quickly when I heard that someone just entered. My heart skipped a bit but I got disappointed when I saw that it's not Gen.
Bigo akong nag-iwas ng tingin do'n. I checked the time... and I felt worried knowing that our next class is about to start.
I suddenly thought about texting Gen. Kung matatagalan ba siya o pupunta pa siya dito... pero talagang malas ako dahil biglang nalowbat at namatay ang cellphone ko.
I held it out frustratedly.
The hell, right?!
I decided to wait another hour. It means hindi ako makakapasok sa susunod na klase namin. Mayroon pa namang klase pagkatapos no'n kaya babawi na lang ako sa subject na 'yon.
Malay natin ay baka may inasikaso lang siya saglit at biglaan siyang dumating.
Nag-order muna ako ng fruit shake habang naghihintay kay Gen. Medyo nanuyo na kasi ang lalamunan ko dahil sa walang kausap.
"Thank you," I've said to someone who's at the counter when she handed me my order.
She smiled. "May hinihintay po ba kayo, ma'am?"
Paalis na sana ako ng napilitan akong magistay muna at sagutim ang taning niya.
"Meron, eh." I answered, simply.
"Ah," she nodded.
Wala naman na siyang tinanong kaya agad na akong bumalik sa pwesto ko at ininom ang inorder.
Two hours have passed and I'm starting to believe that he's not coming anymore. I also notice that the one who I've talked to at the counter was glancing me back and then. Napansin ata na hindi pa dumadating ang hinihintay ko.
I sighed heavily.
Hindi na siya darating.
Though, he said that he's coming. I don't know... ang sabi niya kasi ay magmeet kami ngayon then I've texted him the details for our meeting and he didn't reply. Baka naman hindi siya sang-ayon sa oras at lugar na pagmemeetingan namin? But why didn't he said anything about it?
And who am I fooling here?
Alam ko naman na ang dahilan kung bakit hindi siya pumunta. Iniisip ko lang ang mga bagay na posibleng dahilan din pampaluwag loob.
Pero hindi ko na lolokohin ang sarili ko. I know the reason so it's better for me to just accept it.
I accept it. But the thing that I didn't understand here is why did he agreed if he's not? Bakit pumayag siyang magkita kami ngayon kung hindi naman pala siya sisipot?
I trusted him.
Akala ko naman ay may isang salita at paninindigan siya kahit ang kausap niya ay lubos niyang kanamumuhian.
Akala ko lang pala.
Now, I know.
Alam ko na na mabilis din pa lang magbago ang paninindigan ng isang tao lalo na pagdating sa kinamumuhian nila.
Bigla akong nainis at nagalit.
Hindi sakanya kundi sa akin. I am mad at myself 'cuz I let it happen. Why am I so fool that I didn't saw this coming? I thought I already know a lot of things but look at this...
All of this thing happened because of my stupidity and foolishness.
I caught the woman at the counter looking at me, worriedly. I smiled at her tiredly before I stood up. I fixed my things first before I decided to come out of that shop.
Many realizations hit me while I'm walking. I didn't even know where I'm heading at.
Bigla akong nagising sa mga naiisip nang makaramdam ng patak ng ulan. I looked at the sky... I didn't even realize that it's about to rain. From what I'm seeing now, malakas ang ulan na papadating.
Agad kong kinalikot ang bag para hanapin 'yung payong ko.
I whispered a curse when I didn't find it.
Ngayon pa talaga?!
In a blink of an eye. The rain poured hard. I closed my eyes tightly, trying my best to be patient.
I opened my eyes then, I looked around, searching for a shelter. I saw a waiting shed not far from here. Agad akong tumakbo patungo doon at tumingin-tingin sa paligid. To find a vehicle.
Kapag may nakikita ay nabubuhayan ako ng loob pero mabilis ding nanlulumo kapag nakikitang may iba ng nakasakay.
Pinasadahan ko ang basa kong buhok gamit ang kamay at daliri. Ramdam ko na din ang lamig galing sa malakas na hangin at dahil sa pagkabasa. I hugged myself.
I can't explain the thing that I'm feeling now. I didn't know if destiny is playing with me if there's such a thing or I just really lucky to be one of the unlucky persons.
Akala ko'y iyong pagpunta ko dito sa probinsya na ang pinakamalungkot na nangyari sa akin pero hindi pala.
The saddest feeling is when you realized the worst things that happened and happening to you.
I've cried hard back then when auntie said that I should go and study here instead of my dream school college. But why am I not crying now? Akala ko ba ay napakalungkot ko ngayon?
If I compare those problems, without hesitation... I will say that this one that I'm experiencing now is the worst. Not just because of Gen but because of the thought that I am not worthy.
Kaya siguro malas ako.
Through that... I also realized something. Being sad doesn't always mean when you cry hard, sometimes the saddest thing is when didn't.
Dahil kapag umiiyak ka, inilalabas mo ang sakit na nararamdaman mo but then if you're not... ibig sabihin tinitiis mo 'yung sakit at pinipilit mo 'yung sarili mo na huwag umiyak dahil kailangan mong maging malakas para sa sarili ko.
Masakit isipin at tanggapin ang bagay na 'yon pero 'yun ang totoo.
And that's what I'm doing now. I am looking nowhere while thinking about my problems. Ang nakakainis ay gusto kong maiyak pero pinipigilan ko.
I told myself that I shouldn't cry over these things. On other's point of view... they can say that this thing that I'm experiencing was very nonsense to be a problem.
They will say that because they can't understand me. Pero naiinis din ako kung bakit iniisip ko pa ang sasabihin ng iba. Akala ko ba ay wala akong pakielam... o baka sabi ko lang din 'yon?
I suddenly thought...
Kilala ko ba talaga ang sarili ko?
My thoughts interrupted when I've seen a White Van stopped in front of me.
I felt nervous for some reason.
Someone from driver's seat went out of the van holding two umbrellas. I quickly recognized him the moment I've seen his face.
"Payong po." He said and offered me the other umbrella.
"S-salamat." My lips are trembling as I've said that and took the umbrella.
I am looking at him cluelessly when he still here and didn't come back from where he came from. Doon sa van.
"Uh... pinapapasok po kayo ni ser." Aniya habang kinakamot ang ulo.
Agad akong napatingin sa tinted na Van... like I'm seeing his boss behind it.
"Uh—"
"Sumabay kana, ma'am... hindi kami makakaalis hangga't hindi ka namin nasasabay."
I blinked twice before I nodded, confused. Hindi na ako tumanggi dahil mukhang wala ng dadaang sasakyan sa oras na 'to. Kung nagkataon ay baka di pa ako makauwi lalo na't habang tumatagal ay palakas ng palakas ang ulan.
"O-ok."
He opened the passenger seat for me, hindi na ako nagulat nang makita na naman ang boss niya. The one who bought all of our candies when I'm selling.
"Thank you." I've said to manong as I folded the umbrella. Agad niya itong kinuha at umikot papuntang driver's seat. I looked around first before I decided to went into the van.
"Salamat, ah." I said to the one who's sitting beside me.
He glanced at me, he's wearing his shades again.
Pinasadahan niya ako ng tingin. "Basa ka."
I managed a fake laughed. "Uh... oo."
Isn't obvious?
May kinuha siya sa likod ng sasakyan at natulala ako ng makitang may inabot siya sa aking towel.
"Salamat." I said as I took it.
"Manong, pakihinaan nga 'yung aircon."
I stiffened.
"Sige po."
Sumulyap sa akin si manong nang mapansing nakatingin ako sa kanya.
Nag-iwas siya ng tingin agad.
"Padaan na rin sa malapit na convenient store 'tong sasakyan. At may ipapabili lang ako sa 'yo."
Tumikhim si manong. "Ano pong bibilhin ko ser?"
"Kape."
I am busy observing them when I realized something.
"Uh... salamat talaga. Pero saan ba kayo papunta ngayon?"
"Ihahatid ka namin."
My eyes widened. "But you didn't know where I lived."
"Pero alam mo naman, 'di ba?"
Natulala ako bigla.
My head isn't really functioning these days.
"O-okay." Itinikom ko ang bibig ko. I caught his driver who is looking at me in the rear view mirror. He smiled shyly before he looked away and cleared his throat.
I rested on my back as I think my situation now. It's a little bit strange since they are totally a stranger to me. But then there's something on me that tells that they can be somehow trusted.
Nang huminto kami sa isang convenient store ay agad kong pinasadahan ang labas. It's still raining outside but not quite heavy as earlier.
Medyo madilim na din kaya kahit dito sa loob ng Van. Napansin ata ng katabi ko 'yon kaya binuksan niya ang ilaw.
I was about to look at him but then...
Nahagip ng mata ko ang pamilyar na anyo ni Gen. Not far from where I am. Nasa isang cafe siya habang seryosong nakikipag-usap sa isang babaeng nakahoodie. I didn't recognized that girl since nakatalikod ito sa akin pero alam ko na babae 'yon base sa hugis ng katawan. Si Gen naman ay serysosong nakikinig sa kung ano man ang sinasabi ng kausap. Nakapahalukipkip siya habang nakasandal sa upuan.
Biglang bumaligtad ang sikmura ko nang maisip na hindi siya nakarating sa usapan namin dahil may iba siyang tatagpuin. Things got cleared now.
Malinaw na sa akin ang lahat maliban na lang sa nararamdaman ko.
Parang biglang gusto kong maiyak dahil sa nararamdaman ko ngayon. Lalo pa't nakikita kong may kausap siya ngayon, knowing that I should be the one that is talking to him now.
I stiffened when his eyes drifted at here. Somehow, I felt calm when I realized that this van is tinted. Umayos ng upo si Gen habang nakatingin pa rin dito. Hindi ko 'yon pinansin dahil alam ko naman na hindi niya ako nakikita.
I take that as an opportunity to stare at him from there. It's a little bit weird 'cuz it's like we're looking at each other's eyes. Like he's seeing me here behind the tinted window.
Napatingin ako sa driver seat nang maramdamang nandito na si Manong. May binigay siyang paperbag sa katabi ko na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa alam ang pangalan.
Inilabas niya ang kapeng laman no'b at iniabot sa akin. I smiled at him and took it. Nakakahiya naman kung hindi ko kukunin.
I looked at Gen again and I've seen that he's still looking here! His eyes were dark as usual.
I got conscious so I've asked the man beside me.
"Tinted ba 'tong sasakyan mo?" Walang hiya kong tanong.
He glanced at me. "Yes..." I sighed when I heard he said that.
I looked at Gen again. Hindi na inaalala na nakikita niya ako ngayon.
"But not heavily tinted."
I turned to him.
"W-what do you mean?"
"I mean... the people outside are seeing us now 'cuz the light is open." He said that made me stunned.
My mouth dropped.
"Nakikita tayo ngayon sa labas?"
"Yes... they can see us, very clearly." His brow shot.
The, hell?!
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-jazwritee