RED IS BLUE! BLUE IS RED!
Another school day ended as all the girls gathered at Sunset's house once more. It was surprising for all of them to see their friend Rainbow Dash there, looking better than the last time they saw her.
"I'm shocked you're up and running, Dash. Figured you'd be out a bit longer, to tell the truth," Applejack said, taking a seat near her athletic friend.
"Eh, it's not that bad. I was only out for 2 weeks," Rainbow said, relaxing on Sunset's couch. Unseen by the rest of the group, Pinkie Pie turned to look directly at the writer of this chapter and give them a smug smirk.
Shut up Pinkie
"I said nothing," Pinkie whispered cheerfully.
I know you were thinking about it. So shut up or you'll be having celery throughout the show
"So you girls ready to start?" Pinkie inquired, glancing at the snacks on the table for any that might turn.
"Might as well start and finish it up," Sunset mumbled, turning on the next episode.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
At blue base, Tucker and Caboose are talking on the upper level.
Tucker: Man, Caboose. You were asleep for a long time. What were you dreaming about?
"Things no mortal mind is ready to imagine," Twilight muttered.
"You make him sound like some H.P Lovecraft creature Twi," Rainbow Dash muttered.
"How do you know about H.P Lovecraft Rainbow Dash?" Rarity asked with a raised brow. It didn't seem like the kind of books her sporty friend would be in to.
"I read them to Pinkie Pie to help her sleep sometimes," the rainbow-haired teen explained while gesturing towards her pink friend who just simply smiled.
"They are SO~ soothing to hear it makes it easy to drift to sleep," the party girl said with a smile.
"Huh, that explains a lot," Sunset muttered with a shrug before going back to watching the show while the remaining four girls of the group scooted away from Pinkie Pie.
Caboose: Oh, nothing. I do not like to dream. I try not to think while I'm sleeping.
"That doesn't make any sense," Twilight muttered.
Tucker: That's pretty much how you function while you're awake, too.
Caboose: I think consistency is important.
"That's the wrong kind of consistency," Fluttershy muttered with a pout.
The camera changes to show Church.
Church: Well, you look ok. Then again, that's just the armor. How do you feel?
Caboose: Great! ...Who're you?
"Oh god he suffered some brain damage," Rarity muttered while palming his her face.
"Well... even more, brain damage," Fluttershy pointed out quietly.
Church: Oh, come on! Not this again! How can you seriously not remember me?
Caboose: Oh, of course! I remember you... you're Marvin!
"Like the martian!?" Pinky Pie asked with a laugh.
"Well, he did get hit with a big kaboom," Sunset said with a smile.
"But not an earth-shattering Kaboom," Rainbow Dash pointed out jokingly.
"Not yet at least," Sunset pointed out.
Church: I'm Church!
Caboose: I think I would remember a name that ridiculous. Nope, you are definitely Phil.
Church: You killed me with the tank.
Caboose: Dave!
Church: You insulted my girlfriend. You called her a cow.
Caboose: Karen!
"I bet she wants to talk to the manager," Rainbow Dash joked.
"More like punch him," Sunset added in.
Tucker: Dude, he called her a slut.
Caboose: Phineas?
"Weres Ferb?" Pinkie giggled out.
Church: Your whole life is based around pleasing me.
"OH MY," Sunset said with a pervy smile.
"Stop. it." Twilight ground out.
Caboose: Wally.
Church: In fact, I think you're kind of obsessed with being my best friend.
Caboose: Milo?
Caboose turns around and whispers to Tucker, but it is loud enough that Church can hear.
Caboose: Psst. The new guy is pretty full of himself.
"Oh man, the one time Church wished he had the old Caboose back," Applejack laughed.
Church: New guy? What the- I'm not the new guy. You're the new guy!
Tucker: I don't know. I kinda like it. I could get used to calling you Rookie.
"And Tucker is no help as usual," Rarity said flatly.
Church: Oh, yea? Could you get used to me beating you to death?
"Eep!" Fluttershy said while hiding behind a couch pillow.
Caboose, again, turns to Tucker.
Caboose: Psst. What's wrong with the rookie? He seems mad.
"I wonder why?" Twilight said sarcastically.
Church: Oh, son of a bitch.
Caboose: Susan?
'Not too far off,' Sunset thought as she remembered the former singer at the bar named Susan who was a bitch.
The camera then switches to red base, where Donut is attempting to jump onto the upper level, with Grif watching over him from above. Donut is making grunting noises as he jumps.
Grif: Donut, there is no way you can jump that high.
"I guess he trade humping for that throwing arm," Rainbow Dash said with a smirk.
"Guess basketball is off that table," Sunset joked.
Donut pauses for a second after he lands.
Donut: Yes I can.
Donut continues jumping, chanting "Yes I can!" as he jumps. Simmons walks up to Grif.
Simmons: What the hell is he doing?
"That's what I want to know," Twilight said in agreement.
"It's going to be dumb," Sunset told her glasses-wearing friend.
Grif: Losing a bet.
"Say what?" Applejack asked with a raised brow.
"Called it," Sunset said with a smile.
Donut lands back on the lower floor.
Donut: Oh, I almost got it that time! Are you sweating yet, sucker?
Grif: No, I can't sweat. Simmons' stupid sweat glands don't even work right.
Simmons: What? They were working when I gave them to you.
Grif: Please. I'm not moist in any of the usual places. If you want them back so bad, take 'em.
"Maybe because Simmons in shape dude," Rainbow Dash pointed out. "Even if he's a nerd."
Simmons sighs.
Simmons: I can't. Sarge says that sweat makes my cyborg parts rusty. So, I'm cooled by Freon now.
"At least he thought of that I guess," Twilight muttered. Not liking the fact she had to admit Sarge did something smart.
Grif: Ah, delicious Freon.
Grif starts to cough violently.
"Grif!" Fluttershy said with worry.
"Are the organs being rejected by the body!?" Sunset said with worry. That was a risk in any organ transplant.
Simmons: Grif, are you alright? Are my lungs ok? Hey, wait a minute. Are you smoking inside your helmet again?
"Grif smokes!?" Pinkie Pie gasped in horror.
Grif: What? No!
Grif blows out smoke from his helmet as he turns away from Simmons.
Grif: ...Oops.
"Smoking is bad!" Fluttershy said with a stern look and pout. "You need to care for yourself better!"
Simmons: Dammit. I knew this would happen. And how many snack cakes have you had today?
Grif: None.
"Bullshit," Rainbow Dash called out with a flat look.
Simmons: ...
Grif: Ok, five... or more.
"Well, that's not THAT bad," Rarity said with a conflicted look.
Donut grunts in the background.
Grif: Baker's dozen at most.
"Ok, that's pushing it," Rainbow Dash muttered. The amount of jogging she would have to to work off those carbs would be a hassle.
Simmons: Do you even know how many are in a baker's dozen?
Grif: By my count?
Donut, again, grunts in the background.
Grif: Forty-eight.
"Ok, that's too much!" Twilight said with a stern look. "That's a Pinkie Pie level of snacking!"
"Yet the carbs never go to her gut," Rarity said with envy as she looked towards her pink friend who was currently eating a cupcake.
"Yeah, it's going to better places," Sunset said under her breath as she stared at Pinkie who was bouncing in place while injoying her cupcake. Her eyes glued to her Paty friend's bouncing breast and plump rear. "Niiiice~."
Simmons: Alright. That's it. No more smoking, no more drinking, and no more overeating, chubby! You're not going to ruin my body parts the same way you ruined yours.
"But their not yourse anymore," Fluttershy pointed out while tilting her head.
Grif: That's ok. I can think of different ways to ruin them.
"Now he'll be doing it out of spite," Rarity commented.
"Think he was doing that already," Applejack pointed out. "Simmons was a jerk to him so I can see Griff doing this knowing it drive Simmons nuts."
A loud noise comes from where Donut was.
Donut: Ah! Ah! Ow! Ahhhhh! Who left the spleen ball where someone could trip on it? I think I broke something. Simmons, I need your ovaries!
"Grose," Rainbow Dash muttered when the spleen ball was mentioned.
"Also guys don't have those," Twilight grounded out.
Simmons: Ugh, I really hate this army.
"Why did you join in the first place?" Applejack asked. He ddin't seem like the solder type.
Sarge arrives.
Sarge: Grif; Simmons 2.0! I just got off the horn to Command. I'm afraid we have a situation.
"What could it be this time?" Rarity asked with a raised brow.
Simmons: Ah, don't tell me they canceled the holiday party again! Those cheap bastards. All I wanted was one night of care-free dancing. But no! I ask you when it will be Simmons' turn? When?!
"Wow didn't know Simmons was a dancer," Twilight said with a look of surprise. "Guess theres more toa person."
"He's aslo right!" Pinkie Pie shouted. "You should never cancel a party!"
Grif and Sarge turn to look at each other before continuing.
Sarge: Uh, actually, the problem is with Lopez.
"Yeah, he's still captured," Applejack said with a flat look. "Might want to correct that partner..."
Grif: Don't tell me. The Consulate General from Spanish Land is coming, and without Lopez, we don't have anyone to translate.
"I wouldn't be surprise if that was the case, knowing this crazy gulch," Sunset said with a smile.
"I hate this gulch," Twilight sighed. It was too much crazy every second, it was kind of overwhelming, and that was coming from a girl with magic!
Simmons: There's no such thing as Spanish Land, you retard.
Grif: Yes there is. They have those, uh... uh, waterslides. And all that salsa!
Simmons: No, they don't.
Grif: Well, I guess you would know.
Simmons: What's that supposed to mean? For the last time, I'm Dutch-Irish!
Grif: Hey, don't let your fiery Latin temper get out of control. I was just trying to make a point.
"Dumbass," Rainbow Dash said with a flat look.
Sarge: Can it, Frankenstein. We've got a pot on the front burner, and it's a-boilin' over. I've just learned that Command implanted Lopez with secret instructions detailing the next phase of our operations. Do you have any idea what this means?
"Somehow Command still sees use in you?" Fluttershy asked with an inocent look.
"Damn Shy, why to bring down the fucking hammer," Sunset said wide eyed.
Grif: I uh... uh, Simmons? You want to take this one?
Simmons: Were you not listening again? What the hell were you thinking about?
"Food," everyone answered.
Grif: Certainly not waterslides, I can tell you that much. Or salsa.
"Now I'm hungry," Pinkie said with a pout. "And I want to go to a water park, I got this new swim suit too! It's super tight so I can swim better~!"
'Now I;m Horny,' Sunset thought with a frown.
Sarge: What it means is that if we don't get back Lopez before the Blues uncover our secret plans, we'll be up pooper creek without a paddle.
Grif: Ew. Gi-a... that's gross!
Sarge: I'm talking about being lost in a forest of filth without a compass. Swimmin' in a river of sick with no floaties on. Drivin' blind, in to the tunnel of-
"Going to hurl," Rarity muttered with a green face as she covered her mouth in disgust.
Simmons: Sir, I think we get the picture. The very, very disturbing picture.
Sarge: You sure? I could go on.
"No!" everyone said with a glare at the red leader.
Grif: I'm sure you could. But no. Really.
Sarge: Just one more?
Grif/everyone: Stop.
Sarge: Come on, they're fun. Simmons, you try one. I'll start you off. Flyin' by the seat of your blank, with a blank in the blank. Eh?
"Boo~!" Rainbow Dash booed. "You stink!"
The screen fades black.
Simmons: Sorry sir, I'm not good at word games.
Sarge: Ah, you're both a couple lousy blanks.
"And your a terrable Sargent," Twilight muttered. "So it evens out."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Caboose and Tucker are watching Sheila and Lopez from the top of Blue Base
Tucker: Man, Lopez, and Sheila have been spending a lot of time together.
Caboose: I don't like it. He is not good enough for my Sheila.
"Oh my~!" Rarity said with a smile. "It seems like someone is jealous!"
"Oh please Rarity," Applejack muttered. "This isn't one of her romance dramas. So don't go getting excited."
Tucker: But they seem happy together.
"I agree with Mister Tucker," Fluttershy smiled. "He should be happy for them, even if it's not him she chose..."
"You're talking about someone as dense as Caboose being reasonable." Apple jack chimed in.
Fluttershy thought for a moment. "Ok, fair point."
Caboose: He is a bad influence and he is taking advantage of her because she is young and naive...and delicate.
Tucker: Delicate? She weighs like 200 tons, dude.
"You should never judge a woman on their weight, but I'm unsure if that could be applied here," Twilight mumbled, going over everything in her head.
"It's a goddamn tank. Delicate is the last word I'd use to describe her." Rainbow Dash added, rolling her eyes.
Caboose: She is a precious flower.
"A flower that can shoot through you like you were made of paper," Twilight muttered.
"Like Caboose said," Sunset said with a nod. "a precious flower."
Tucker approaches Sheila and Lopez
Tucker: Hey guys, I have to ask you a favor. This might sound strange, but I think Caboose is getting kind of jealous of your relationship.
Caboose: (from a distance) Sheila! Come back to me! I made you a muffin!
"She ain't Derpy dude! That's not gonna work!" Pinkie snickered, as did most of the group.
Tucker: Anyway, could you just try to keep a low profile or something? We don't want some weird, horribly disgusting love triangle.
Sheila: Tucker, I've been speaking with Lopez, and we feel that the machine has been treated unfairly in this canyon.
Tucker: What're you talking about?
"Uh oh..." Twilight and Sunset mumbled, they could already tell where this was going.
Sheila: On a regular basis, we are either being blown up, possessed by spirits, or just left out to rust.
"Shouldn't you be angrier at the Reds for the blowing up part?" Sunset muttered. "Your side at least repaired you."
"And how were they supposed to help you not rust?" Applejack asked with a raised brow. "Not like their base is built to hold you."
Tucker: Huh?
Sheila: We have decided that until conditions improve, we are not going to help you in your battles.
"Well, that's better than the alternative I was thinking of..." Sunset sighed, her thoughts drifting to every sci-fi film she'd ever seen where the machines rose up against man.
Tucker: You're kidding, right?
Sheila: (barrel pointing right at Tucker's face) Do I look like I'm kidding?
"...and that's how Skynet was made!" Pinkie joked.
"Better listen to her if you don't want her to go Hal9000 on your asses!" Rainbow Dash chuckled.
Cut to Red Base
Sarge: It's very simple. We use a flea flicker maneuver with a run and gun two by two approach, tactical ops will be... aw hell, who am I kidding? Grif, Donut, just go stand in the way of their bullets while me and Simmons 2.0 sneak around back to grab Lopez.
"You just spent all that time operating on Grif and you just want to send him to his death?" Twilight muttered with a facepalm.
"It would have just meant all that time was wasted," Fluttershy whispered with a pout.
"I don't think he cares all that much Shy." Applejack muttered while patting her friend's back.
Donut: Sounds like a plan!
"No, it's not," Rarity sighed out. "It's a forced suicide mission for Sarge's amusement."
Grif: No it doesn't! How about this time we try something that doesn't involve me being shot at or run over.
Simmons: Would electrified be okay?
Grif/everyone: No!
Simmons: Well, I'm out of ideas.
"Why do all of his ideas have to involve poor Gif getting injured in some way, shape, or form?" Fluttershy sighed.
"It's a rule of comedy, Fluttershy" Pinkie Pie answered. Only to let out an eep when she saw the small glare Fluttershy was giving the tv screen.
"It's only funny when the person did something to deserve it," the shy teen whispered out.
Grif: Look, instead of running straight into enemy gunfire like we usually do, why don't we try some reconnaissance this time?
Rainbow Dash blinked. "Oh hey, a smart idea from the Reds, those are rare."
"To be fair it's coming from Grif," Applejack said with a shrug. "He usually thinks of something smart if it keeps him from dying."
"Or doing any work at all," Rainbow Dash added in.
Donut: You mean like spy stuff? That would be cool! I could wear a spy tuxedo-
Sarge: No.
Donut: -with a hidden spy camera-
Simmons: No.
Donut: -inside a tiny spy bow-tie-
Grif: No.
Donut: -or, I could wear a flower on my lapel-
Sunset glanced over to Rarity and noticed she was scribbling something down in the small notebook. "Are you seriously coming up with a tuxedo idea now?"
"One must always be prepared for when inspiration strikes!" The fashionista replied before she went back to scribbling.
Sarge: I said no!
Donut: -that sprays water in people's faces-
Simmons: Shut up Donut.
Donut: -no, a secret spy liquid, that would be awesome. (he chuckles, everyone stares)
Applejack rolled her eyes. "...what would the spy liquid even do?"
"Spy stuff, obviously!" Pinkie answered it as if it was the most obvious fact in the world.
Sarge and Simmons: No!
Grif: Maybe! Uh, I mean, no.
Donut: Oh, come on! I could be Double O Donut.
Simmons: You mean like, Doonut?
Pinkie just started snickering.
Donut: With a license to thrill, or be thrilled!
"Just shut up Donut," Twilight muttered while holding her head. God she could feel a headache starting to grow.
Sarge: Alright, since you're both so into the idea, Grif, Donut, you're on recon. Find us a way to break into their base, and report back on the double.
"At least he's letting them do some recon," Applejack muttered.
"Can't wait to see how they fuck this up," Sunset commented.
Grif: Great, more time alone with the idiot.
Donut: Grif, Grif, Grif, Grif, Grif, Grif! Lets pretend we're wearing super spy jet-packs! (Grif groans) No, no, no, no. Like this. (he makes jet-pack sounds as the scene transitions to a cliff while Donut continues to make jet-pack sounds)
"Oh my god," Twilight muttered.
"I'm surprised no one on the Red team hasn't attacked him yet," Rarity. "I mean Sunset over here has nearly throttled a few students for less."
"And this was after she became one of the good guys," Pinkie Pie added in.
Giving her friends a small glare the girl in question spoke up. "You know I only attacked those guys because they were talking shit about you for being my friend right? If someone still is holding a grudge from my bullying days then so be it, but no one messes with my friends."
Also, she was going through a hangover that day but she didn't need her friends to know that part at all.
Grif: Hey, can you not stop that for 2 seconds?
Donut: Come on Agent- (he clears his throat to speak with a lower voice) Come on Agent Grif, we've got to hurry if you want to save the princess from the evil goblins.
"Call Goblin slayer then," Sunset said with a smile. Getting a sigh from Twilight.
"I hate the fact you read that manga," the purple teen said with a frown.
"It's a good read," Sunset defended with a shrug. Not her fault she liked mature Manga like Goblin Slayer, Berserk, and Devilman.
Grif: What princess? I thought you were pretending to be in a spy movie?
Donut: Look, my secret spy character gets to marry a beautiful princess in a castle, alright? Deal with it!
"...I'm having a hard time deciding who's the bigger idiot in this series, Donut or Caboose." Applejack muttered.
"Well, Donut hasn't treated a tank like it's a normal person," Rainbow Dash pointed out.
"Give him time Darling," Rarity muttered. "He's sure to surprise us with a new level of stupidity."
Grif: Donut, can you go find some higher ground or something?
Donut: But we're on higher ground now.
Grif: Why don't you use your jet-pack to get to the highest ground?
Donut: Good idea! I bet the Blues won't think of that.
Grif: No, if they were that stupid we probably would've won by now.
Donut: Secret Agent Donut, to the rescue! (he makes more jet-pack noises as he runs off)
Grif: I could just shoot him, no one would ever have to know. No one.
"But he won't," Sunset said. "Grif might be a lot of things but not a team killer."
"He leaves that to Sarge and Simmons," Rarity pointed out.
Scene cuts to Blue Base. Church is looking out over the canyon, Tucker approaches him
Tucker: Hey Church, we might have a problem.
"Can't wait to see how Church reacts to a robot uprising," Applejack commented. Waiting to see the blue leader's response.
Church: Is this a new problem, or did Caboose get his head stuck in the freezer again?
"How do you get your head stuck in a freezer!?" Twilight snapped.
Surprisingly, Fluttershy raised her hand. "Well, there was this one time where my brother-"
"DON'T." Twilight interrupted, cutting her off. "I don't think I can afford to lose any more brain cells..."
Tucker: New one. Sheila and Lopez are now considering leaving to form their own robot army. They said no one would dare oppose them.
Church: What?! Did you try to talk them out of it?
Tucker: No way, I wouldn't dare oppose them!
"I mean, one of them is a tank..." Rainbow Dash said with a shrug. She really couldn't blame Tucker for his decision.
"If only he had one of those sticky grenades," Pinkie Pie pointed out. "They seem to do the trick."
Church: Man, well we gotta find a way to separate them. Maybe it's time to get rid of Lopez.
Tucker: But without Lopez you wouldn't have a body to use. Why don't you just possess him like you normally do?
Church: I would, but it's getting harder to do each time. I think he's learned to fight it somehow.
"...that's a pretty terrifying thought when you think about it," Fluttershy commented.
"Who knew fighting off possession was like fighting a cold," Applejack muttered. "You keep building up an immunity to it."
Scene cuts to the cave Doc is in
Doc: You know, I really think we should try a non-violent approach to resolve this.
O'Malley: I agree, except replace the words "non" with "extremely!" And after the word "violent" include the phrase "blood explosion extraordinaire!" (he laughs evilly. Donut approaches the entrance to the cave.)
"It's like a case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde," Rarity pointed out.
"Actually, the Hyde persona in the book wasn't a split personality," Twilight corrected her friend while adjusting her glasses. "It was still Dr. Jekyll, the serum in the book doesn't actually transform Jekyll into an evil man, it simply transforms him into a different-looking man, and it's the intoxication of being able to get away with any crime that leads him to act so evilly.
"The more you know~!" Pinkie Pie sang out while holding her cellphone which was playing the more you know tune.
Donut: Hey, what's going on in there?
Doc: We can't do this! They're gonna find out! They'll find out about us, the machine, everything! (O'Malley laughs evilly again. Donut gets a little closer)
"What in Sam Hill is he talking about," Applejack muttered. "He's speaking a whole bunch of nonsense."
"It will probably be explained later," Rainbow Dash pointed out.
Donut: What the-! Those voices sound suspicious.
O'Malley: I will rip out their guts and feast on their entrails!
"That doesn't sound kosher," Rarity muttered. Green in the face at what O'Malley said.
Doc: But I'm a vegetarian!
Donut: Oh, it's that guy whose name I forget. But where's the guy he's talking to?
"Really? You never bothered to learn his name?" Applejack sighed, resigning herself to disappointment.
"To be fair I don't think they talked all that much," Rainbow Dash commented.
Doc: We can't just sabotage their equipment. That's rude!
"I don't think the crazy A.I cares about what's rude or not," Twilight sighed out.
Donut: Sabotage? That doesn't sound too good.
"You think?" Applejack muttered out with an eye roll.
O'Malley: I will devour their hearts and crap out their souls!
"How vulgar," Rarity gagged out.
Donut: That sounds even worse!
"Agreed," Fluttershy whispered.
O'Malley: They will all taste oblivion, which tastes just like Red Bull, which is disgusting.
"I never liked the taste of those drinks," Rarity gagged, the mere thought of all that sugar made her ill.
"But they're so tasty and they keep me up for hours and hours and hours and hours," Pinkie cheered as she bounced in her seat.
"We know," Rainbow and Applejack groaned, remembering the last time Pinkie had an energy drink. No one besides Sunset and Fluttershy got sleep that night.
Donut: Whoa!
O'Malley: All will perish! (he laughs evilly again)
Donut: All? That includes me! Oh man, I gotta tell the guys! (he runs away)
Doc: Hello? Who's there? Please help me! I'm scared of myself!
"I feel bad for Doc," Pinkie Pie said with a pout. "Being stuck with a meanie like O'Mally."
Donut arrives at the cave's exit
Donut: Gotta get back to base! (he begins running away) Back, to base! Oh man, there it is! (he approaches the base) Guys! Hey guys! Where is everybody? I saw something really weird in that cave that... (he sees Sheila) hey, that's cool. When did we get a tank? Wait a minute, this looks like the store. Except Sarge told me there is no store. (turns around) Oh no!
Caboose and Tucker are pointing their pistols at Donut
Tucker: Oh yeah!
"God," Rainbow Dash muttered while facepalming. "So much for warning everyone."
Grif is watching from the cliff with a sniper
Grif: Oh crap! I knew I should've just shot him! (he turns and runs towards Red Base)
"Well, on the plus side maybe he'll do something stupid to get himself shot." Sunset scoffed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tucker and Caboose have Donut surrounded inside the blue base.
Tucker: So, they send a female assassin to try and kill us. Clever, but it won't work. We're immune to your feminine wiles. ...Unless you wanna date one of us.
"...dummies." Fluttershy groaned.
"I get the feeling if Donut did a ridiculously over-the-top female voice they'd fall for it..." Applejack sighed
Donut: Female!? I'm not a girl.
Tucker: Tease.
"He's not you oaf," Rarity said with a frown.
Donut: I just have light red armor.
"Dude, it would be less of a mouth full just to call it pink," Rainbow Dash commented.
Caboose: How is that pink armor anyway? Looks comfortable...
Donut: At first, I really hated it. But it's kinda grown on me. My old armor used to chafe my thighs somethin' aweful. But the crotch in this pink one is surprisingly roomy!
"Didn't need to know that," Twilight muttered while adjusting her glasses.
Tucker: Silence woman!
Cut to Sarge addressing Simmons and Grif.
Sarge: Good Bhudda's noodle, how could this have happened?
"You sent Donut to do a mission," Sunset said with a flat look.
"You know Grif was there too right," Applejack asked her equestrian friend.
"Yeah, but Grif wouldn't have been caught," Sunset countered. "He would have been off sleeping somewhere where none of the blues could find him."
"That isn't really any better darling," Rarity muttered.
Simmons: It's okay sir. It was a strong plan, Grif's just a dumbass.
Grif: Hey, I'm using your cerebral cortex.
"So does that make it worse?" Sunset asked while looking at Twilight.
"I....don't know," Twilight mumbled, looking lost and confused.
Sarge: Settle down, ladies. We need a new strategum, and we need it fast.
Simmons: Donut's sure to crack under the pressure and reveal everything.
Grif: Everything like what, where we keep his tampons?
Sarge: You're right about that, Simmons. The boy doesn't even see the entertainment value in being tortured! Oh these kids today!
"What kind of messed up individual would find entertainment in being tortured!?" Rarity asked in an appalled tone.
"Some people have extremely weird kinks Rarity." Rainbow replied, with Pinkie and surprisingly Applejack nodding their heads in agreement... while Sunset's thoughts drifted to her "Roleplay Saturday" sessions with the Dazzlings.
Church enters the blue base with Tucker waiting for him.
Church: How's it goin', Tucker? We get any useful information outta the prisoner yet?
Tucker: I figured he was here to steal back Lopez, but he won't give us anything... except a list of crock pot recipes. Would that be useful?
"I wouldn't mind some of those Recipes," Sunset commented.
"Agreed," Applejack said with a nod.
Church: Do we have a crock pot?
Tucker: No, Caboose made a trade with that annoying guy from Blue Command. He swapped it for a mystery box.
Church: What was in the mystery box?
Tucker: A hundred and forty jars of mayonnaise.
Church: ...well that's a good trade...
Tucker: Yeah it doubles as a great sunscreen.
Twilight facepalmed with an agonized groan. "Every time these idiots have a conversation I feel like I'm getting DUMBER..."
Church: How did you- never mind. Listen, I think I came up with a plan for how we can use Lopez and our new prisoner to get an upper hand on the reds...
Tucker: ...
Church and Tucker: ...
Church: The plan does not involve mayonnaise.
"Aw..." Pinkie frowned.
Tucker: Dammit, I knew there would be a catch.
Camera zips around to another part of the blue base, where Caboose and Donut are.
"...and the idiots meet, can one idiot out-dumb the other!?" Pinkie joked.
Caboose: That was fun. Okay, okay, your turn. Truth, or dare.
Donut: Hmmm, truth!
Caboose: Okay. Tell me, all of the red secret plans!
Donut: Ahaw, you tricked me! You blue guys are so smart.
"AAAARRGGHH!" Twilight immediately grabbed a pillow and screamed into it.
Donut: Okay, now listen closely. Our biggest secret is-
Church runs up and inhabits Donut.
Donut: Adgibagajabagagagagagagagagagaa!
"Dammit Church!" Rainbow shouted. "You could have learned something from him!"
"You think Donut would have useful information?" Sunset asked with a raised brow.
"Ok, fair point," Rainbow dash said with a blush. She kind of forgot who she was talking about for a second.
Church: Caboose! It's me, Church. I possessed this guy so we can... whoo, hey. This pink armor's kinda comfortable. Roomy. What were you two guys talkin' about?
"Who knew Donut could be contagious," Applejack laughed.
Caboose: Ohouw, nothing.
Church: You wanna braid each other's hair?
"Make sure to wash your hair first," Rarity suggested. "Wearing your helmets all the time has more than likely matted your hair down in sweat."
Cut to Tucker cresting a hill in the Gulch.
Tucker: Hello inferior red squad!
Church: We would like to talk to you about-
Caboose: Sneak attack!
"Way to ruin a surprise attack by screaming it," Twilight muttered.
Church: Shut up you idiot, we're not here to fight. We're here to negotiate.
"Which is more than likely to turn into a fight," Fluttershy whispered out.
Caboose: Ahay, sneak negotiation!
"Whooo~! That sounds fun!" Pinkie Pie said with cheer.
Sarge, Grif and Simmons come to the front of the red base.
Sarge: What the- Donut! What is this!?
Tucker: I think he's talking to you.
Church: We, uh I mean they, would like to negotiate a surrender, to us. No to them, no wait nono that's right, to them, to us.
"Maybe you should have just kept silent dude," Rainbow Dash said while rolling her eyes.
"Knowing how much of a jabber mouth Donut is, I think him being quite would tip them off even more," Twilight argued.
Tucker: Oh, smooth dude.
Sarge: What's this business, the blues are givin' up? I smell a trap, or a rat... or a rat, in a trap. Don't accept it Simmons.
"Sometimes Sarge's insane paranoia pays off," Applejack laughed.
Simmons: You can't surrender blues, we haven't attacked you! Now go home and wait for us to attack, and then you can surrender.
"That's not how wars work," Fluttershy whispered with a flat look.
Grif: Wait, if we accept, that means we would have two surrenders, and they would have none. That means we win!
Simmons: Win what?
Grif: I don't know, the war, er something. Right?
"No," everyone droned out with flat looks on their faces.
Simmons: You're an idiot.
"Yep," the group said in unison again.
"Though your barley any better," Rarity added.
"Ya book smart, but you're lacking common sense most of the time partner," Applejack added her two cents as well.
Church: In exchange for not killing us, they, them- we, they would like to, release the robot guy, and me. (exchanges glances with Tucker a couple times) ...the pink guy.
"I haven't seen someone mess up this badly with their acting since the time Fluttershy was forced to do a play with a Pinkie Pie," Rainbow Dash muttered
"Hey," Fluttershy said with a pout.
Tucker: Are you becoming retarded?
"You make it sound like he wasn't already," Sunset commented with a raised brow.
"That's a little mean, don't you think Sunset?" Pinkie Pie asked.
Shrugging the sun themed teen replaid. "Maybe, but Church is really dropping the ball here."
Simmons: What should we do, sir?
Sarge: I'm torn, between my intense distrust of the blue team, and the need for the plans stored in my favorite robotic creation. No offense, Simmons.
Simmons: None taken, sir. You removed the negative emotional center of my brain, and implanted it in Grif.
"What!?" screamed the group. How the heck did Sarge do that!
Grif: (hopping around behind them) No, I can't, I just can't take this, we're all gonna die! Oooh...
"So he's overly emotional or on his period?" Sunset asked
"Former," Twilight answered as her nose wrinkled in disgust at the latter suggestion.
Church: I don't think they're going for it.
"Really?" Rarity asked mockingly. "I was sure your acting would've easily fooled them."
A shot goes behind Tucker, startling him and Church.
Tucker: Oh, mother fucker!
"Surprise this didn't happen sooner," Applejack muttered.
"You think they would of resorted to violence sooner," Rarity added in
"Yay violence!" Pinkie Pie shouted. That means something might explode.
Simmons: (holding the sniper rifle) Okay, now you're under attack. Go ahead and surrender, bitch!
Sarge: Nice thinkin' Simmons.
Grif: The humanity!
Church: Alright, we surrender!
Tucker: (arming his weapon) Fuck that, I'm pissed, let's fight.
"When did Tucker become a fighter," Fluttershy asked.
"I guess almost getting shot got his fight or flight instinct set on fight," Sunset commented.
Sarge: Now that you have been thoroughly humiliated by our superior military strategy, we demand the return of our robot, and our pink private!
"And by superior military strategy, you mean taking pot shots during negotiations?" Twilight said with a flat look.
Church: Okay, but there's one catch!
Sarge: What in shinola?
Church: Sarge they want you to build two robots for their team. One for each prisoner, that they're releasing.
"I'm kinda lost. Are they surrendering or making an exchange?" Pinkie asked while scratching her chin thoughtfully.
"I'm willing to bet they confused one for the other," Rarity answered.
"Or think both are the same thing," Rainbow said, getting nods in return.
Simmons: Hey that wasn't part of the deal!
Grif: Why exactly are we negotiating with Donut?
"You're only asking that now?" Rainbow Dash asked with a flat look.
Tucker: Church why do we need two robots?
"That's what I want to know," Twilight asked while adjusting her glasses as she gave the screen a questioning look.
Church: You know... one for me, and... (under breath) one for Texas.
Tucker: Oh man, don't tell me you're doing this for Tex. You're still in love with her, aren't you.
"How romantic~!" Rarity gushed while Applejack rolled her eyes at her friend's reaction.
Church: Hey get off my back, man. Most dead chicks aren't exactly linin' up to haunt this dirthole. Besides, if I don't get her a body, she's gonna steal mine anyway.
"On the one hand it's sweet he still cares about her but on the other hand that makes sense to stop her from body jacking him," Sunset explained.
"Yet it sounds wrong when you say body jacking," Twilight grumbled while crossing her arms.
"It's a gift," Sunset replied smugly.
Tucker: Eh, good point.
Church: Bitch.
"Only real friends can insult each other like that," Pinkie Pie said with a laugh.
Sarge: Alright you blue scumsuckers! What robot models did you have in mind?
Church: I guess make 'em just like Lopez! Except, you know, just a shell, no intelligence!
Caboose: These new robots sound much nicer.
"I'm sure his gun is nicer than these two nimrods," Rainbow laughed as Pinkie giggled.
Tucker: That's because they sound like you.
Church: Oh and no Spanish! And a bigger switch!
"Because that's really important," Rarity snarked.
"I'm sure it would be an improvement if you ask me," Pinkie replied.
Sarge: Okay, we got a deal! Meet us in the center of the canyon at 0600 and we'll make the exchange.
Tucker: Deal!
"Well we know Sarge is going to do something," Twilight stated in a matter of fact tone.
"I'd be disappointed if he didn't," Sunset said with a smirk.
Church: Okay. I gotta hurry back before Lopez and Sheila suspect anything. Make sure this pink guy doesn't run away when I leave. I mean it. I'll meet you guys back at the base. (leaves Donut's body)
Donut: Huwhuuugaygaayeeeeeee! What the...? Where am I?
Caboose: We were just talking to your friends. But you're going to stay with us now for a while.
Donut: Are we gonna have a sleepover? Because that would be sweet.
Pinkie shrugged. "Well, at least he's making the most out of the situation-"
"DO NOT. DEFEND. HIS IDIOCY." Twilight snapped, her eyes glowing for a moment.
Caboose: ...You're a nice lady.
"Aw, isn't that sweet? they're getting along," Fluttershy said with a small smile.
Cut to Ghostly Church back at the blue base.
Church: Alright guys, I- Sheila? Lopez? What the, why do people keep leaving?
"Welp, I guess that robot revolution has begun," Sunset said with a shrug. "Someone get John Connor on the phone."
"Don't you remember Sunset? They redcon him to literal death," Pinkie Pie pointed out. This made the two girls let out a sad sigh at Hollywood screwing up the lore of good movies.
Back to reds and blues.
Sarge: Oh blue team... Before you go, maybe we should talk about optional equipment on your new robots.
Tucker: What optional equipment!?
Sarge: All you said you wanted was a body, we didn't talk about features.
Tucker: Like what?
"I wonder what else could be included," Fluttershy asked herself, trying to imagine what the Reds have.
"Knowing them it'll be completely stupid, unessessary or both," Rarity mumbled, already feeling a headache coming on.
Sarge: You know, undercoating, extended warranty, features, man, come on. Like do you want them to be able to use both arms at once?
Tucker: Of course.
Sarge: Asynchronous arm movement isssssss optional!
"Is he a soldier or a salesman?" Rainbow complained
Tucker: What? Oh man, I told Church they would try to screw us! What about the feet?
Sarge: Did you want feet?
Tucker: Yeah we want feet!
Sarge: Sorry, feet are optional.
"Well if they don't have feet then why not hover jets," Pinkie said excitedly.
Tucker: What's on the bottom of its legs?
Sarge: Legs are optional.
"Bullshit that what they are," Applejack said knowing a scam when she sees one.
Tucker: Oh man, what a ripoff.
Sarge: Options are optional.
"Really? I didn't know," Rarity stressed, rubbing the sides of her head to stop the headache from coming.
Tucker: What isn't optional?
Sarge: You look like a nice guy, don't worry, we'll work something out. Have you thought about financing? How's yer credit? I can offer you a free set of high quality mud flaps... and a lube job... You won't be disappointed! I've been told my lube jobs are fantastic!
"They aren't cars you dumb ass.... Though now that makes me wonder what kind of maintenance Lopez requires," Sunset said, thinking of that particular thing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tucker and Church in front of a rock with a note on it, written in binary and signed "Lopez y Sheila"
Tucker: So Sheila and Lopez were just gone when you got back here.
Church: Yep. They even left a note. Says they've gone off to start their own robot army. That's great.
Tucker: Didn't they have a non-compete clause?
Church: Also says they want us to meet them in the middle of the canyon at 0600, to discuss the terms of our defeat, and or surrender... 0600. What does that mean...
Tucker: Isn't that when we're supposed to be surrendering to the reds?
Church: It means six o'clock, right? Si- or does it mean, six hun- o six hundred. Does six hundred mean minutes? Six hundred minutes? Because that'd be... that'd be ten o'clock. Is it six o'clock or is it ten o'clock?
"They don't even know basic military terms," Twilight grumbled, wondering who trained them.
Tucker: Man, we should really get a day planner or something, 'cause this shit's just getting ridiculous.
Cut to the Red Base. Sarge is standing with a black robot and a cobalt robot
Simmons: How's it going sir?
Sarge: Great! With these new color coded instructions, building robots has never been easier. Now all the thousands of mistakes I've made in my previous efforts seem laughably obvious, heh heh. Uh, except for you, Simmons. No mistakes there.
Simmons: Yeah, I didn't think so sir. You're great at this, even without any formal training, or first party certification. (shoots own foot)
"No mistakes my finely toned ass," Sunset pointed out.
Sarge: ...Son did you just shoot yourself in the foot?
Simmons: Yeah, I do that now sometimes. 'n' I'm not really sure why.
Sarge: I'm sure it's user error.
"An error called Sarge," Twilight said, getting the others to giggle.
Grif: (running up to the top of the ramp) Hey guys, it's almost time. Are the robots ready yet?
Sarge: Juuuust puttin' on the finishing touches. Gentlemen! Allow me, to, introduce, Francisco Montegue Zanzibar (showing the black one). And this one over here is Robot Number 2 (showing the cobalt one).
"That's... very lackluster," Rarity noted. "Especially compared to the other one."
Grif: Why didn't this one get a fancy name?
Sarge: Let's just say somebody has an overclocked sass-back chip, and rejected all the names I came up with.
Robot Number 2: (The Close Encounters riff everyone knows, except the last note is an error-honking sort of noise) Stick it. You're not my real dad.
"Just great, rebellion teenage robot drama," Applejack complained.
"That would be an awesome band name," Rainbow admitted.
"God, wonder if that's what Celestia had to deal with?" Sunset muttered. Wondering if she acted like that to her teacher. "Maybe I should send her cake as an apology."
Sarge: But that's okay. I can even use it to my advantage. I made some special modifications on numero dos. Check it out. Robot, number two! Codewoooord: Dirtbag.
Robot Number 2: (two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound)
Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Grif, then returns to his previous position
Grif: Ow! Hey!
"Only Sarge would do something like this," Twilight muttered while smiling.
"Ha!" Sunset and Rainbow Dash laughed.
"Poor Grif," Fluttershy said between giggling.
Sarge: Heh, heh heh. Pretty nifty, huh?
"For you maybe," Applejack muttered.
Simmons: That's awesome, sir. Let me try, let me try. (clears throat) Codeword dirtbag.
Robot Number 2: (two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound)
Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Grif, then returns to his previous position
Grif: Ow! Okay fine, two can play at this game. Codeword dirtbag.
Robot Number 2: (two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound)
Robot Number 2 runs over and punches Grif, then returns to his previous position
Grif: Ah son of a bitch.
"I'll admit, I saw that coming but it was still a bit humorous," Rarity giggled a bit.
"I know I loved it," Sunset laughed loudly.
Sarge: But that's not the only special feature.
Simmons: What do you mean, sir?
"Why do I feel like I'm not going to like this," Twilight muttered.
"I'll get the headache medicine ready," Sunset said as she went to her kitchen for her first aid kit.
Sarge: Well... I don't want to give anything away, but let's just say for instance that one of the robots contains a hidden microphone, that will allow us to evesdrop on the blues whenever we want. And let's just suppose, shall we, that the other robot, contains a ten megaton bomb, heh heh heh heh he- houw... I guess I kinda gave it away.
"WHAT!" screamed the group in horror.
Grif: Yeah, ya kinda did.
"This is going to end so badly for them...," Pinkie Pie muttered. Didn't need to break the 4th wall to see that a bomb like that was going to bite them somewhere down the line.
Cut to Donut and Caboose in the blue base
Donut: I think this is what they call the calm before the storm.
Caboose: I call it nap time. Which is right before food time... And then comes food-nap time! That is my favorite time of them all.
"Ooh~! Speaking of which, it's almost time for my food-nap time~!" Pinkie Pie said with a smile.
"Wait until the show is over," Sunset said with a sigh. She can already see her pantry being emptied.
Donut: Mister Caboose, I just want you to know that even though we are on different teams, and we may never see each other again, whatever happens out there today, I'll always remember the moments we shared together. You are now, and forever will be... my friend.
"That was sweet of him," Rarity said while smiling. She was a sucker for these kinda warm cutesy things in tv shows and movies.
Caboose: ...Private Donut? That sounds like Private Biscuit.
Donut: (sobbing) Yes. It, does.
"And it was getting emotional too," Fluttershy muttered disappointedly.
"Trust Caboose to ruin a nice moment," Twilight sighed.
Cut to the Gulch, where the reds are in one place with Sarge's robots, and Lopez and Sheila are in another place with ...themselves
Grif: You think they'll show up?
Simmons: Well my gut says no, but, then again my gut's made of an advanced polymer, it doesn't know what the hell it's talkin' about. Stupid gut.
Sarge: Great Caesar's Toast! Looks like they brought out the heavy artillery!
Sheila rolls up alongside Lopez
Lopez: ¿Por qué están los rojos aquí? No íbamos a conquistarlos hasta el próximo martes. [What are the reds doing here? We aren't scheduled to conquer them until next Tuesday.]
"Cause taking down the Blues would have been so hard," Applejack drawled sarcastically.
"The hardest five minutes ever," Sunset replied with a grin on her face.
"God damnit Sunset," Twilight complained while blushing up a storm.
"Not my fault you have a dirty mind," Sunset said nonchalantly.
Camera zooms around to Tucker, Caboose and Donut nearby
Caboose: That's far enough, Lieutenant McMuffin.
"Guess being kidnapped gets you a promotion," Applejack muttered.
Camera backs up behind Sarge
Sarge: Ah ha, they're lining up in flanking formation. Those blue jackals! Keep yer eyes peeled, fellas. This could get ugly.
Cut to Tucker, with Church on a cliff in the distance looking through the sniper rifle, and radio sounds
Tucker: Are you there Church? Church, are you there Church.
"CHUURCH!!!!" Pinkie Pie Cried out while wearing a military beret.
Church: Hey man, I've been trying to get you on the radio for ten minutes. What's goin' on?
Tucker: Sorry man, I'm still picking up the reds' transmissions from when we broadcast that Lopez song. There's a lot of chatter.
Church: Well are you at least getting any useful information?
"Useful? The reds?" Sunset asked with a raised brow. "Those two worde don't go together Church."
"Isn't that three words?" Pinkie Pie asked only to eep when Sunset gave her a glare for being corrected.
"listen here you ball of pink fluff," Sunset growled. Only to be silenced by everyone else before she could rant.
Tucker: Nah it's just the same two guys bickering like an old married couple. I've only been listening for like five minutes and I can already tell they're really in love. Why can't they see it?
Church: Alright. Get ready to launch Operation Circle of Confusion.
Tucker: Uh Church, it kinda looks more like a triangle from down here.
"Agreed," Twilight mumbled, squinting her eyes.
Church: What?
Tucker: I'm just saying it doesn't look much like a circle, it looks more like we're forming a triangle. It's just a side-note.
Church: Okay fine, triangle of confusion. Rhombus of terror, parabola of mystery, WHO CARES!? Get the God damn show on the road!
"I'm shocked he even knows the names of those shapes," Twilight said with honest surprise.
Tucker: Alright alright, sorry. Initiating primary commencement phase.
Donut: What're they talking about?
Caboose: Quiet Commander Pop'n'Fresh. I think they're talking about your golden flakey crust.
"Is Caboose getting dumber every time he talks?" Rainbow asked.
"I dunno, but he's making me hungry." Pinkie said, thinking of many baked goods to eat.
Cut to behind the reds, with Tucker at the top of the hill.
Tucker: Hello everyone! We're here to surrender! At this time, we would like to ask for one representative\prisoner from each group to cross sides.
Grif: Hey, I think I see Lopez over there!
Lopez: López el Pesado ya no toma órdenes de su especie. [Lopez the Heavy takes orders from your kind no more.]
Grif: Yep, it's him.
Sheila: Tell him big daddy.
Tucker: Okay, get going pinky.
"But I don't want to go," Pinkie Pie whined. She soon got a head pat from Rainbow Dash.
"He means the other Pinky," Rainbow Dash corrected.
Donut starts crossing back to the reds
Caboose: Goodbye, Major Cinnamon Bun! I will always remember your buttery goodness! ...Who was that guy?
"... I have no words." Twilight sighed. She really needed to stop being surprise with Caboose's stupidity.
Simmons: Look, they're releasing Donut.
Sarge: Go on, Francis Ex, front 'n' center.
Lopez: ¡Un robot! ¡Quieren convertir los nuestros contra nosotros![A robot! They wish to turn our own kind against us!]
Tucker: Um, Church? Do you think maybe in hindsight it was a bad idea for us to put Lopez around a bunch of robots?
"Well hindsight is 20/20," Rarity commented. Though she really doubted they would have bothered thinking about this scenario at all.
Church: Just stick to the plan, Tucker. Get the first robot over there, I'll draw Lopez's fire, come on!
Lopez arrives between Donut and Francisco Montegue Zanzibar
Lopez: ¡No os mováis, traidor! [Don't move, traitor!]
Sarge: What does it- it's a double cross! Donut, Frankie Zane, get back here!
"Frankie Zane? Really?" Rainbow snarked.
"... I kinda like it," Fluttershy admitted.
Tucker: (aiming at Lopez) No! Stay where you are! Do not go back!
Simmons: Now the blues are aiming at each other? What the hell's going on?
"Oh joy," Sunset said with a smile. "Confusion, soon Panic will happen and then the real fun begins,"
"Ya know..., I think we sometimes forget you used to be evil," Applejack muttered. With how much of a good friend Sunset was it was easy to forget she once ruled the school with an iron fist, and could make even the toughest students beg for mercy with just a simple threat.
Sarge: We've been outmaneuvered, men! Take cover. I'm calling in an air strike.
Loud radio noises
Tucker: OW, MOTHER- what the hell is that noise?
Sarge: Yeh, Red Command, come in! This is Blood Gulch Outpost Number One! Do you read me?
Vic: Hello, hello, who's there. Come in, is that you Private Tucker? Hello.
Sarge: Private who? No, Vic, this is Sarge, from Blood Gulch Outpost Number One.
"... No. No you can't be serious," Twilight muttered with a horrified look on her face.
Sunset sighed. "I don't know why I'm surprised."
"Wait, I don't get it," Applejack said.
"Me either, what's going on?" Rainbow added.
Vic: Oh, hey there Sarge, long time no see, sorry 'bout that I uh, anyway what can we do here for you at Red Command today?
"... Oh," Rainbow Dash said, realizing what was going on.
"This would explain why Doc was on loan to both armies," Rarity noted.
Sarge: I'm up to my haunches in hyenas here, Vic. I need an airstrike, and I need it on the pronto!
Vic: Can do Sarge, I will send an airstrike to target the blue forces now. Course I'll need you to fax in the airstrike requisition form.
"Ok one. Fuck you," Sunset said with a glare, not happy with Vic and the implications of him pitting two teams to the death. "Second. Faxing? Aren't you supposed to be super advanced, why the hell do you need to fax!?"
Sarge: But I can't! I had to use spare parts from our fax machine to build Simmons Two Point O.
Fax machine sounds, Simmons shakes a lot
Simmons: Whoa! Hmm, excuse me, man it must have been something I ate.
Grif: Hey Simmons? Why is there paper coming out of your ass?
The more immature girls laughed at that. It was a good distraction from what was going on.
Tucker: What the hell, Vic! How do you know the red team? Why're you helping them against the blues? What the fuck is going on here?
"Yeah Vic," Twilight muttered with a glare. "Explain to everyone what's going on."
Vic: Oh... Private, Tucker, you're on here too, uhm... See I uh... You guys are, uh... uh, I gotta go, bad connection.
"And the snake makes a retreat," Applejack scoffed.
Radio noises as the channel is shut down
Sarge: Wait, Vic. Red Command! Come in, I need ya!
Cut to Vic
Vic: Well. That's not gonna be very good for business.
"IS THAT ALL THIS IS TO YOU!?" Twilight shouted in frustration while Sunset tried to calm her down, even if she was angry too.
Back to the reds
Sarge: Simmons, Grif... We're out of luck. Get ready to open fire. Today is a good day to die!
Grif: Wait! I think today is actually a good day to retreat. Can't we push dying to a week from Friday?
Simmons: Yeah, let's all take dying as an open action item, and come back with suggestions next meeting.
"Imagine trying to negotiate death on a schedule sheet," Twilight sighed.
"So Sunset, would you like to die next week? I have a spot open for Tuesday," Rainbow Dash joked.
"Sorry, I'm busy next Tuesday. How about never? Does never work for you?" Sunset snarked back.
Sarge: No! It has to be today. For our ancestors. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (charges up the hill)
"Yeah Sarge," Cheered Pinkie Pie with a smile. "Make your ancestors feel disappointed!"
"Don't you mean proud?" Fluttershy asked only to get the same big smile from Pinkie Pie.
"I know what I said," she said sweetly.
Tucker: Wait everyone, stop fighting!
"Seems like Tucker caught on," Rarity commented. Maybe this insanity can be put to an end.
Sarge: Yeah, come on!
Tucker: It's all a lie!
"A horrible lie," Fluttershy said with a sad look. They might be crazy in even a bit annoying but the fact they were lied to, and tricked into fighting to the death was horrible.
Sarge: Let's go! Haha
Tucker: Red is blue! Blue is red!
"Title drop," Pinkie said in between a fake cough.
Sarge: Yeah, kablammo!
Tucker: We're all the same!
Sarge: Yeeekakakakakakakakakaka!
Radio noises
Church: (arriving with everyone else) Tucker, your radio's giving too much feedback, shut it off!
Sarge: Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
Caboose: This is fun!
Sarge: Yaaaaaaaaaaaakakakakakakaka Oh, dammit! Gaaaaaaaaaa!
Simmons: Quiet Sarge, I can't hear what that guy's yelling!
"PLEASE! THIS IS GRATING ON MY NERVES!" Rarity shouted.
Sheila: Lock and load.
Sarge: I LOVE BLOOD AND VIOLENCE!
"That's not surprising," Twilight snarked.
Tucker: Stop fighting! Stop fighting!
Sarge: I'VE GOT A BONER FOR MURDER!
"TMI, thanks," Applejack retorted.
Simmons: What did you say, blue?
Church takes over Robot Number 2
Robot Number 2: Hegakergerk, wheh!
Sarge: Kaboom!
Tucker: I said, there's no red versus blue! It's all the-
Doc flies in on the alien vessel and shoots Tucker in the back with a rocket
Tucker: Waaaaaa son of a bitch!
"Gah! What the hell!?" Twilight shouted.
"Yay! Explosions!" Sunset and Pinkie both exclaimed.
"Where did O'malley get such a sick ride?" Rainbow Dash asked as she admired the hovering vehicle.
Sarge: What the hell is that?
Church: What the hell is that!?
Lopez: ¿Mira que cosa?
Donut: Oh my God. It's the Cave Devil. Run for your lives!
"Honestly not too far off with that name," Twilight commented. It was pretty fitting for O'malley.
Another rocket is fired in to the ground behind Donut, Caboose, Lopez, and Francisco Montegue Zanzibar, making them scatter
Doc: Oops! Sorry about that big explosion!
O'Malley: Sorry it wasn't bigger! (evil laugh)
"This guy has his priorities right!" Sunset smiled.
Church in Robot Number 2: Wait a second, I'd know that laugh anywhere, that's O'Malley!
Another rocket is fired in to the ground behind Church, Zanzibar, Sarge, Caboose, and Donut, making them scatter
Doc: My bad!
Church: (to Zanzibar) Come on robot, you're with me.
Lopez: (shooting at Church and Zanzibar) ¡Sheila, detenlos![Sheila, stop them!]
"Shouldn't you be shooting at the rogue A.I?" Rainbow Dash asked with a raised brow.
"Lopez might be smarter then most of the people here, but it doesn't save him from his own dumb moments." Rarity answered with a shrug.
Sheila: My pleasure. (aims at them and fires)
Cut to Sarge and Grif behind a rock
Sarge: Grif. We're going to die. I'm glad we get these last few moments to make amends. My only hope is that I die before you, so that I don't live through the horror of losing a man on the battlefield.
"Wow that was kind of sweet," Fluttershy commented with wide eyes. "Even for Sarge."
Grif: Yeeeah. I hope you die first too, Sarge.
"And Grif gives a predictabull, but understandable response," Twilight said while adjusting her glasses. With all the times Sarge made his life hell it was going to be obvious that Grif wasn't going to shed a tear for him.
Church and Zanzibar crest the hill to arrive at Tucker's location
Church: Tucker, Tucker! Are you okay?
Tucker: (lying motionless on the ground) Church. The purple guy. He's-
Church: Yeah I know, it's O'Malley. He must have got in the medic somehow.
Tucker: No. He's an asshole.
"HA!" Rainbow and Applejack both laughed.
"That's also very true," Sunset said with a giggle.
Sheila: (in background) Lopez! No!
Caboose: Church, how come Tucker gets to nap during battles and I don't?
O'Malley laughs evilly in the background. Sheila rolls up to the blues
Sheila: Help! He took Lopez!
Church: What? Where'd he go?
O'Malley laughs evilly as the camera zips to the red base, with him standing with Lopez on it
O'Malley: Here I am, you fool!
Church: How'd he get up there so quick?
Donut: That guy's wicked fast!
Doc: Thanks, I lettered in track in high school! It was the least directly competitive sport I could find!
Grif: Track sucks!
"Says the fatass," Rainbow shot back.
O'Malley: You suck! And now I make my escape with my metallic hostage, never to be seen again! Unless I want to be seen, in which case, if I see you before you see me... look out!
"Like to gloat, do ya?" Applejack muttered with a raised brow. She had a feeling that little habit was going to bite him sometime in the future.
Grif and Simmons look at each other
O'Malley: The Universe will be mine! (evil laugh)
Sheila: Lopez! No!
O'Malley: Move it, brown bot.
Lopez and O'Malley run through the teleporter
O'Malley: In to the abyss!
Cut to Church, with a lingering evil laugh from our favorite homicidal A.I.
Church: Everyone hold your fire! We're comin' out. Truce!
"I doubt that's going to even work," Rainbow Dash muttered.
Caboose: Time out!
"This isn't a game Caboose," Twilight sighed out.
"Well with Vic it is," Sunset pointed out, only to shut up when she saw Twilight glaring at her for being reminded about that.
Church and Caboose run up to the reds
Grif: Would someone explain what just happened here?
"Crazy A.I kidnapped a robot while on an alien spaceship," Sunset answered. "Also Vic is an asshole."
Church: That evil guy in the scooter shot one of our guys and ran off with Lopez.
Sarge: But we need Lopez for very specific reasons that we don't have to explain to you. We have to get him back.
"Real smooth there Sarge," Rainbow Dash muttered.
Church: Yeah and we have to get the evil guy back. He's the only one around here that can heal Tucker.
Grif: So now we're forced to work together. How ironic.
Simmons: No, that's not ironic. Ironic would be if we had to work together to hurt each other.
Donut: No, ironic would be instead of that guy kidnapping Lopez, Lopez kidnapped him.
"Oh my god, is this happening?" Twilight muttered.
Sarge: I think it would be ironic if our guns didn't shoot bullets, but instead squirted a healing salve that cured all wounds.
Caboose: I think it would be ironic, if everyone was made of iron.
Black screen with message: two hours later. Cut to everyone on top of the red base, including Sheila and Doc's discarded scooter
"OH MY GOD, IS THIS REALLY HAPPENING!?" Twilight repeated, even more frustrated.
Church: Okay. We all agree, that while the current situation, is not totally ironic, the fact that we now have to work together, is odd in an unexpected way, that defies our normal circumstances. Is everybody happy with that...
Sarge: Yes.
"I never thought I'd be thanking Church for bringing things back on track," Rarity muttered.
Simmons: And, I just finished reprogramming our teleporter, to take us directly to Lopez and O'Malley's coordinates.
"Ten bucks says it doesn't work," Rainbow Dash said with a chuckle.
"Yeah Right," Applejack muttered. "Not taking a sucker's bet."
Sarge: We'll leave one member of each team so that no one can trick anyone and take over the canyon. Our man will be Donut.
"Welp so much for that plan," Rarity said with a flat look. "It won't take much to fool him."
Caboose: We will leave Corporal Croissandwich!
Church: Caboose...
Caboose: We will leave Sheila.
"Oh this should be fun," Sunset with a impish smile. Leave Donut alone with the tank he blew up.
Donut: Yeah, thanks guys. Because, you know if this is a trick, I'm sure I can hold her off on my own.
"I would laugh but he did beat her in the first place," Rainbow Dash said begrudgingly.
Church: Alright, we're gonna do this one at a time then. You first Sarge.
"Yeah better to have him test to see if it works," Twilight said with a nod. "Basic scientific procedure."
"And you get on Sarge for his messed up stuff," Fluttershy whispered Fluttershy with a frown.
Sarge: Today seems like a good day to teleport. (running in to the teleporter) Geronimo!
Caboose: (running in to the teleporter) Paskataway!
Simmons: Hmmm...
Grif: What's wrong?
Simmons: I just had a really weird feeling that I'm never gonna see this place again.
"Hope that wasn't a death flag," Pinkie Pie said with a frown.
Grif: And that's a bad thing?
Simmons: Oh I didn't say weird bad, I just said weird. (runs in to the teleporter)
Church: Alright. It's Grif, right? You 'n' me will go through together, ready?
Grif: After you.
Church runs through the teleporter, followed closely by Grif
Donut: Hah. I wonder if I should have told the guys that thing I heard O'Malley say about sabotage when I was in the cave. ...Ah well. (turns to face Sheila) Uh, hi!
"God damn it, Donut," Sunset sighed. "Can you do ANYTHING."
Sheila: Stop staring at my treads, buddy.
Donut: Geeze. Sorry.
"Are... are treads the tank version of boobs?" Pinkie asked.
"A question I never thought I'd hear," Twilight commented.
Francisco Montegue Zanzibar's body shakes a lot, then stops
Tex in Zanzibar's body: Alright you sons of bitches, I'm back, and I've got some- Hey- hey where'd everybody go? (sees Donut) Do I know you? Hey! You're the girl that killed me!
"Yay! Tex is back!" Pinkie Pie said with cheer.
"And she still thinks Donut is a girl!" Rainbow Dash laughed.
Sheila turns her turret from Tex to Donut
Donut: (turning to face the camera) Uh oh.
"You're fucked," Sunset said with an evil smile..
Sarge and Caboose emerge standing in a stream
Sarge: Prepare to surrender, dirtbag!
Caboose: Okay, I surrender. Now it's your turn.
Sarge: Not you, moron. Wait a minute, where are we.
Simmons emerges in what appears to be an industrial complex of some sort, with teleporters everywhere.
Simmons: Guys? Oh guys... Where is everybody?
"Oh no. They've all been teleported to random locations," Rarity said.
"Oh dear," Fluttershy whimpered.
"Called it!" Rainbow Dash said with a smirk.
"Congratulations Rainbow Dash, you were able to predicted the reds and blues fucking up," Sunset said with sarcasm. "How smart does that make you feel?"
"Not..., very smart at all," Rainbow Dash muttered while looking down. "In fact I think I might have lost some brain cells."
Cut to Church and Grif standing on a cliff in Sidewinder.
Church: Alright, now let's just find- where is everybody?
Grif: Whoa. Where are we? What is this place?
Someone in tan armor steps behind them, pointing his gun at them.
Max Gain: Freeze, drop your weapon!
"Oh joy, more soldiers, wonder if their part of Vic's games as well," Rarity said with a flat tone in her voice.
"Nah, this guy sounds competent," Applejack added in.
Church: Uh oh.
Max: I said freeze, dirtbag!
Church: (two beeps, then the Mac "eep" sound)
Church's body automatically punches Grif
Grif: Ow! Aw, come on!
Everyone burst out laughing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Well that was fun," Sunset said as she got up and turned off the tv. "But it's getting around lunch time and that means I need to get my kitchen ready to feed a hungry Pinkie Pie."
"Feed me Sunset~!" Pinkie Cried out while imitating the plant from the little flower shop of horror. "Pinkie Pie hungers!"
"And she'll get her food," Sunset said with a smile as she turned to the rest of her friends. "If you want something to eat let me know and I'll whip up some grub for you all as well." she said while receiving grateful smiles in return.
"Enough talk, FOOD!" Pinkie Pie said as she jumped on Sunset back and pointed her towards the kitchen. "Now onwards to food!"
Laughing Sunset walked to her kitchen with Pinkie Pie still hanging off her back, listing off all the super surgery things she wanted to eat.
And so ended another day
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CHAPTER END... FINALLY.
God it felt like I was dying while writing this. Didn't help. I had to rework the transcripts because they didn't want to copy and paste correctly on the doc.
I need to get back to stuff I like like death battle.
Sorry for the wait it's just a hassle to write this while my head was filled with ideas for my none reaction fics.