I'm sorry guys. Last night was one of those where I wasn't tired and my adhd was acting up, but once I was sleep that's was it. It's 4:45 now so imma try to write these and go back to sleep.
Zay's POV
I'm not quite sure what's going through my mind as I sit there and panic, staring at Elliot who seems pretty damn knowledgeable about a secret I've kept from him since we met. But I don't think I'm ready for this conversation. I know that he'll leave me, and I just want him around a little bit longer.
"You're not....." I try to lie my way out of this situation, my mind scrambling to save us from what's to come but he cuts me off.
"I heard you talking to Beth and that Ares guy. It's kind of hard to misinterpret that." He tells me and my cheeks immediately flare up in panic and plain red embarrassment. No one even had to tell him, I was being messy and careless and now he knows.
"Oh." Is the only word I can get out as I sit there and curse myself and think about how I can move away to hawaii, maybe be adventurous and move to Hell.
"I have some questions." Elliot says and I slowly look back up at him, surprised that he's even willing to learn the slightest thing about what's going on, though I'm wary as hell of this conversation and the direction it might go. I nod my head in an okay gesture and he sighs before staring off into space.
"What does it mean, exactly, to be Soulmates?"
I place my elbows in the table and rest my forehead in my hands, unable to look at Elliot for any length of time.
"With someone like me or in general?" I ask him and there's a pause before he answers.
"In general."
I think back to the lessons I've had, all the times I've seen my parents and the live that shines so brightly between Thomas and Ares. "I haven't had one, so that's a hard question." I tell him blowing out my breath before I try to describe to him what it's like to have someone made for you. "Having a Soulmate, whatever the term is for that person, is like a promise you're given when you're born. To find someone out there that was literally made for you. That can love you and understand you and be all around perfect for you and who you are, whoever you need them to be, they're there. It doesn't always work out like that though."
"What do you mean? That it doesn't work out?" Elliot asks immediately, a little excited if you ask me.
"Well sometimes how you grow up and what happens between when you're born and when you find your lover, you guys might not be compatible anymore. They might be raised to be homophobic. Turn out abusive. Or even just spiteful. And it doesn't work out." I tell him, trying to keep the emotions from my voice that keep choking me.
There's a beat of silence as we sit there, Elliot thinking, and me trying so hard not to.
"What does it mean to have an Incubus as a soulmate? Isn't it different?" He asks and dammit this is one of the questions I didn't want him to ask. I cringe into myself, hating everything about this fucking conversation. I would much rather go back to mindless flirting and him looking awkwardly sexy.
"Uh.. I don't know if I should...." Again I try to get myself out of this Q&A but once more, Elliot cuts me off.
"If I didn't think I could handle your answers, I wouldn't ask." He tells me and the sternest in them make me shiver a little bit before my lip polks out slightly to myself in slight guilt.
"Incubus need sex or sexual energy to live. When they find their soulmate they're the only ones that can feed them. And just like any species, they can die if they aren't fed." I pause fo take a breath feeling the tension in the air before I continue. "But I'm a hybrid so I can live without... you know.... you. I just get tired really easily and feel drained all day."
Though I'm dying of absolute embarrassment, I try to answer as honestly as I can, hoping that maybe something I say will make him change his mind of whatever direction it's going in.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"I could barely have a conversation with you without you talking about how you're straight and have a girlfriend. It's a bit discouraging to try and tell you something like this when you make it so clear, this is not what you want at all." I tell him, and there's silence, and taking a brave breath, I look up at him through my lashes after I lift my head from my hands. And my chest aches when I see him sitting there guiltily. "I don't expect anything from you. This isn't something you have to do." I tell him quietly, my eyes falling back to the table as his perfect scent taunts me.
"I feel it. The bond. I tried to ignore it all last week, but I can feel it when I'm around you, though since I'm human I guess it's only a fraction of what you feel." He says but I think he's thinking out loud to himself rather than. actually talking to me. "Am I actually who you want, or is it the idea of me?"
Not a question I expected, but a good one all the same, even if I have to expose myself.
"It's you." I tell the table and there's a pause in the air, and I can feed the unspoken question, and I think of ignoring it, but maybe if I tell him everything now, it'll give him a reason to stick around, even for a little bit. "You're one of the sweetest people I know, you're funny and kind and you don't like pickles on your sandwiches. You're a softie in disguise and you hate hurting people's feelings. I haven't gotten the chance to know everything about you, but what I do know doesn't make me regret my pairing." There's silence on his end as I sip my drink.
"I didn't think this would be so hard. This isn't me, I need you to understand that. I've never liked guys, I was planning to marry my girl. I had my whole life planned out before I came here. And now everything is being taken from me." He says and even though I didn't chose this either, a wave of guilt crashes over me.
He's a human who already knew who and what he wanted and it all got taken away form him before he could even realize what was happening.
If he was literally anything fucking else maybe we could make this work, but I don't want to force someone who's already resentful to be with me, when that would only back it worse. I'm in an impossible situation and I don't know what to do. I'm fucking lost.
"I need a plan. But I can't make one without knowing everything. What should I know about having a soulmate that I haven't been told yet?"
It's takes a minute for the question to load in my mind as I go into a downward spiral, my thoughts entangled in my anxiety as they drag me down with them. I try to clear my head so I can at least get through the rest of this conversation.
While I'm still struggling within myself, I see Elliot's hand fall to the table and come within my line of sight beneath my little cocoon that I found myself in. I look up through my hands and see him frowning at me a little bit, offering his hand once more.
"I know this isn't what you've been waiting for, but I need to know. I haven't made my decision so please stop looking like I murdered you already." He says, going for humor and I feel my lips twitch slightly at the effort, with what little courage I can muster at the moment, I let my hand grab his lightly, making me smile. I let my eyes fall to his and I get lost in them a bit before he chuckles, making me jump. "What do you think about when you look at me?"
I'm startled and confused by the question he gives me and I try to answer it as best I can. "Nothing really. Sometimes my mind just goes blank." I tell him with red cheeks and lowering my gaze towards the table.
"Well, you get these Crazy Eyes when you look at me sometimes."
"Crazy eyes?" I say in distress, hating how I've been so lax in showing this boy how much he effects me. This is it, I either have to kill myself or kill him. There's nothing else I can do at this point. There's a pause in the moment and I can feel it fade away as the question I've been waiting for begins to rise in the air. I try to think of how I will answer, to either be selfish or be honorable, to dave Elliot from the turmoil he's facing with this whole situation. Something he clearly didn't want or need in his life.
Just when I think he's going to keep the question to himself, he finally opens his mouth and let the words fall form his lips and land on the table in front of me.
"Are there any other choices? What options do we have?"
I try to swallow the lump in my throat at the question but it's no use as I answer it. "Uh, we have the most obvious one which is to fall into the mate bond and be together. We could schedule our time together. Only stick to feedings. We could just go our separate ways and never see each other again.... or..." I try to get the last option out, I really do, but I choke on it at the last second, until he gives me some encouragement.
"Or...? What's the last option?" He asks me and I feel tears well in my eyes as I avoid his gaze, knowing I won't be able to tell him and hold them in if I caught his brown chocolate eyes staring me down.
"Or... I could let you go. Reject you and just let the bond break." I say, leaving out important information, but I would do it all for Elliot. Only for Elliot.
"You can do that?" He says and I can hear the surprise and even the touch of hope in there and it makes me close my eyes before I nod i'm resignation. And to my surprise, he doesn't jump at the chance for the last option at all. "It's time to go back. Let me think about it."
I watch as he gets up and his warm hand slips from mine while he gathers his trash. I feel him hesitate as if he has something he wants to say, but it must not be important because the next thing I know he's walking away.
Goddess, I hate myself.
~~~~~~~~~
Okay I was able to get this done but I'm sleepy again so I think I'm going to gts and finish the last chapter I promise when I wake up again. I'm going to try to start writing Unforgivable around 10 or 11 today.
Thank you for
1k- Unforgivable
25k- Forbidden
8k- Unattainable
Thoughts?
Comments?
QOTD: What do you think Elliot is going to do?