Copyright © LiteraryMusician, Alexandria L. Muller, 2015
All Rights Reserved ® LiteraryMusician, Alexandria L. Muller, 2015
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Header by: FictionalSemantic
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The winter I turned 8 my life changed forever. It was brutally cold that winter. I think we had record breaking snowfall that year.
There wasn't much to do since school kept getting canceled, and the sun set early. I mostly played inside by the fire with my little brother, or sat by the window looking out into the forest while reading or drawing.
On one particular night though, everything changed. I remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday.
That day was 10 years ago.
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My mom had made a blazing warm fire in the fireplace after me and my brother came inside from playing in the snow. I felt my cheeks and nose start to thaw as I snuggled under a blanket near the fire. I breathed in the scent of pine from the wood burning in the hearth as I looked out the window into the woods behind our house.
At first all I saw was our snow covered land. Tall pines covered with snow and ice.
But then all of a sudden to there was blurs of grey, black, brown, yellow and gold. Moving in and out behind the trees.
Birds?
No.
Racoons?
No.
Deer?
No.
Wolves?
Wolves.
Of every color and size. They moved fast, but silently and gracefully. If you weren't really studying the woods, you'd miss them gliding seamlessly between the trees.
I stared, captivated by their wild beauty. Then one of them stopped running. He looked right at me. Through the window and into my living room and it felt like, straight into my soul.
*That was the moment my life changed forever, whether I realized it at the time or not.*
And how did I, an 8 year old girl know I was looking at a boy wolf?
I didn't; but I did. Before this moment I had only seen pictures of wolves in books or my imagination.
But I just knew.
His light blue eyes stuck out from the rest of his packs common golden yellow, or brown colored eyes.
Blue like a cloudless summer sky. Electric blue, like the Caribbean's warm salty oceans.
His fur was a deep midnight black, white light wisps of a snowy grey under his neck and paws, as well as around his ears and tail. The grey highlights didn't take away from the majority of his fur being black as coal. Most of the wolves in his pack had Brown or sandy colored hair. Some were grey. Only a handful were black. Including this one.
He was frighteningly beautiful. But I didn't feel afraid as he watched me from the edge of the woods.
I felt light. My stomach fluttered and flipped with butterflies.
I didn't understand those feelings, I was only 8.
I barley noticed when my mom came into the room and sat on the couch next to me by the window.
She handed me a cup of steaming hot coca and a plate with a B.L.T. (my favorite)
I absent mindedly took the mug and plate from her as I continued to stare at the wolf, who started back at me. I was mesmerized by his presence so close to me.
When the wolf noticed my mother next to me, who was also watching the group of wolves, he broke eye contact.
He turned to the other wolves in his group and began to continue their journey through the woods.
This made me sad; I frowned out the window towards the forest, feeling empty at his departure.
My wolf turned his eyes to me once more as of he felt my sadness radiate off of me.
He let out a howl to the sky, and then he was gone.
My mom pointed out the window at the wolves.
"Hey look sweetie, I think we have some new company."
I sighed. "Yeah, they're very beautiful." I responded.
The daylight was already starting to fade to the darkness of night, So I left the window to sit closer to the fire.
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Later that night I remember feeling restless. Not able to sleep.
I quietly padded into the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea. When it was ready I roamed back through the house and up the stairs.
Instead of going back to bed, I turned to the attic stairs which was right next to my door, and climbed my way to the top.
My attic wasn't your average run of the mill crawl space with a drop down ladder. It was more like a third story, filled with decades of unused dusty junk.
There was a balcony off of our attic that overlooked the forest behind our house.
I grabbed an old musty sleeping bag along with a wool blanket that was stored in an old burough in the corner. I threw them over my shoulder and with my other hand that wasn't holding my cup of tea I grabbed a summer lounge chair; so I could relax and gaze and the stars while sipping my tea.
I opened the balcony door, and set the lounge chair down, and laid the sleeping bag down and got in.
I arranged the wool blanket around my shoulders and lap, creating a cocoon of sorts.
Once I was settled I took a deep breath and looked up at the sky. I took a sip of the warm liquid and let it trickle down my throat and seep into my bones to warm my body.
I could clearly see all the stars above and the bright moon shining down. I could see Orion and the Big Dipper from my spot on the roofs ledge.
As I took another deep breath of the cool crisp winter air, I couldn't shake this restless feeling I felt. It was an anxious feeling. Like someone was watching me. Who could be watching me outside?
I took a moment to scan the woods beneath me. I looked in between the trees and along the forest floor and saw nothing. I unfocused my eyes for a second and looked down at my hands holding my tea cup.
I then looked back up to the woods right in front of me.
Then I saw him; I focused in on the other pair of eyes that were locked with mine. How could I miss those eyes looking back at me?
Under the bright full moon his clear as day eyes looked back at me with wonder, as if he were confused by my entire being. My eyes probably portrayed the same emotion as his.
His head was cocked to the side, as if questioning me.
Asking what I'm doing here? What do I want? Who am I?
His outline was fairly visible in the snow covered forest. His black and grey coat stood out from the white wonderland. I don't know how I missed it before.
I wondered if he were the reason I had been feeling restless all night. Has he been out here the whole night? How did I even sense him?
I brushed my anxious thoughts away and focused on him and his wild beauty.
He looked like a young wolf, but how could I gauge how old he was when I was just a kid, and knew nothing about wolves?
But when I noticed him this afternoon he seemed slightly smaller than most of the wolves, maybe that's how I guessed.
He continued to stare at me as if he were analyzing me, looking straight through me to uncover all of my secrets.
We stayed like this, staring, looking, watching each other for the remainder of the night.
At some point he had laid his head on his paws that were stretched out and crossed in front of him, while I eventually drifted into a sleep full of icy clear blue eyes surrounded by midnight black fur.
Just spending one night with him would ingraine his face into my memory forever. I could never forget the way his eyes searched mine for hours.
But this was just the first night that we spent like this, with thousands more to come. Thousands more to remember.
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I woke with a start from our first night at dawn, right before the sun broke through the dark winter night sky, to his mournful howl.
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3,425
So that was the first of many nights we spent watching each other.
Last night was the 3,425 night.
I tried not to miss a night, if I did I felt empty and sad. But there were family vacations, and sleepovers that I couldn't miss, and sometimes really bad weather conditions. And then there were the summers; although fairly short here in NY, but not short enough, he would physically dissapear. Although I couldn't see him, I could always feel him, watching me every night, waiting.
Every night was spent like this, falling asleep together, but truly worlds apart. Watching the stars, watching the moon, watching each other, for 10 years.
No matter where I was. No matter where he was.
I spent my childhood watching the woods behind my house. Studying the pack that made my backyard their home. I watched them live, hunt, grow and die. They never got too close, always staying right behind the tree line that set the grounds for where my backyard ended and the woods began. I watched him. He grew to become the largest of his pack, and the most beautiful and majestic creature I ever laid eyes on. I could tell he rose to the top of the ranks in his wolf pack because other wolves would bow their heads near him and even from afar I could tell he was respected.
My wolf became the Alpha.
I was proud of him, he grew to become strong and powerful and he obviously proved it to his pack.
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But I was tired. Tired of being obsessed with a life Iwasn't part of, and could never be. I was tired of people thinking I was crazy. Tired of real human boys thinking I was crazy. It was like obsessing over a T.V. show or movie and wanting to be part of it. But it wasn't reality.
I wanted to be normal. Well, not normal perhaps, but I wanted people other than my two best friends to want to talk to me.
I wanted to feel wanted...
To feel accepted...