Chapter 100: Revenge of the Bitch
Tinkerbell absolutely cared that the guardians were back!
She cared a lot. A whole lot.
Think "unhealthy-obsession meets delirious-evil-giggle" a whole lot.
Why?
Revenge.
Tinkerbell (for those who cannot remember) was a bitch.
Sorry for swearing (I'll put money in Wendy's language- jar later) but it's true. Sometimes eloquence falls short when describing terrible people and this is one of those instances.
Tinkerbell was just a bitch.
Tinkerbell had a murky past. During the Battle to Give Fantasia, she had colluded with an ancient demon named Pitch Black and, in an attempt to destroy Wendy, had granted him access to the Underworld.
The act of treachery had landed her one week in prison. King Arthur had wanted her sentenced for life, but Tinkerbell's "not-guilty" plea was supported by a very sticky subject.
Tinkerbell claimed she was manipulated by shadow working magic.
Very. Sticky. Subject.
Shadow working magic was incredibly mysterious. Other than Wendy (who was still a novice), Fantasia had no other shadow workers or experts on the subject matter, meaning no one could refute Tinkerbell's testimonials.
Basically the jury was stuck. Tinkerbell was innocent unless proven guilty.
So, she got off easy...ish.
King Arthur allowed Tinkerbell's release from prison but his leniency stopped there. He sentenced Tinkerbell to life-long parole and assigned a special intelligence team to monitor her behavior. Every text message, every social media account, every credit card purchase, and every greeting card was thoroughly vetted by King Arthur's team. If Tinkerbell tweeted a picture of herself sipping a java crème frappuccino, King Arthur already knew she paid way too much for it.
He knew everything about her. And he was not the least bit ashamed.
There was more.
King Arthur also excluded Tinkerbell from all national holidays.
And that, more than anything, made Tinkerbell mad.
Fantasians, you see, were very patriotic. All for one and one for all! United we stand, divided we fall!
The Battles to Take and Give Fantasia had instilled an overwhelming sense of pride that King Arthur promoted through national holidays. These holidays included the guardians' birthdays (celebrated on the firsts of the winter, spring, summer, and fall) and Remembrance Day (celebrated on January 1st, King Arthur's birthday).
These holidays were unique as they were festive, but all were quintessentially Fantasian. It gave Fantasians a sense of unity, identity, and all around awesomeness.
Patriotism was very popular.
And Tinkerbell was 3000% excluded. Even though she had been acquitted of all crimes, King Arthur wanted everyone to know she was not a true Fantasian.
It was a slap in the face.
At first Tinkerbell was livid. But once she was shunned, she embraced the bad girl reputation and ran with it. If King Arthur wanted to play dirty, she would play dirty right back. She decided to become the most disreputable pixie in all Fantasia.
How?
She started a blog.
The blog had modest origins. It started as a gossip column called Tinkerspell Tabloids.
Nothing particularly special, the blog served as a platform where Tinkerbell could vent about King Arthur and the Guardians. She shared intimate details, blew everything out of proportion, and fabricated more conspiracy theories than an ancient alien theorist on psychedelic medications.
Well...it became an overnight sensation. For every Fantasian that supported King Arthur and his guardians, there was a hater that wanted to see them fall. Tinkerspell Tabloids became the most popular hate-blog on the internet.
And as her popularity grew, Tinkerbell's stories became raunchier.
And raunchier. And raunchier. And oh oh so indulgent.
Shortly after becoming an internet success, Tinkerbell was approached by a television producer named Dawn Bellwether. Known in the industry by her last name, "Bellwether" was a frail, little sheep with big glasses and a diabolical mind.
Bellwether shared Tinkerbell's animosity towards King Arthur, particularly because Arthur had joined forces with Hiccup, and Bellwether really didn't like dragons. She also didn't like lions, or tigers, or foxes, or bears, or any other predator with teeth.
However, since dragons had gigundous fire-breathing chompers, Bellwether was a downright dragon racist. In her opinion, King Arthur should be overthrown, and all Berk's dragons should be killed.
Vikings could also go. They were smelly. And they ate sheep. Down with Vikings too!
Tinkerbell and Bellwether made a perfect pair. Heck –even their names both had "bell" in them! Together, inspired by mutual hatred, they created a television spin-off of Tinkerspell Tabloids – The Tinkertell Talk Show, hosted by none other than Tinkerbell herself.
The show was pure trash. Tinkerbell would invite several guests (usually celebrities) to discuss provocative topics. Tinkerbell especially loved to discuss politics (again, with a focus for King Arthur and Fantasian guardian bashing). Like her blog, discussions were confrontational as they were sexual, with the minor distinction of a live viewing audience.
Tinkerbell had found her spotlight. She was the mother of juicy gossip, Fantasia's resident bad girl, and King Arthur's personal critic.
Oh and you know what else? She was also famous. Incredibly famous. Like light-years-beyond-stardom famous. And soon, the fame went straight to her head and into her personal life. By the time the guardians returned to Fantasia, Tinkerbell had undergone more plastic surgeries and slept with more men than the number of followers on her social media accounts – combined.
Oddly enough, Tinkerbell had only been married once. But she divorced her husband after he "tricked" her into having a baby and "refused" to do all the child rearing while she spent their money at male strip clubs.
Sigh. Men just didn't understand. Tinkerbell had given birth to a little girl, and it was her duty to set a positive example for her daughter. How else was Titania supposed to grow into a strong, independent woman without a strong, independent, sexually promiscuous role model?
Yes. Tinkerbell considered herself a symbol for Fantasians everywhere! She was a pixie that could not be controlled. Not by her divorced husband. Not by her ex lovers. Not by motherhood. Not by societal expectations. And certainly not by that clumsy little fool who just happened to have pulled a sword from a stone: Wart.
Which is why it was very curious to Tinkerbell, when his royal majesty, King Arthur Pendragon, invited her to Camelot to discuss a tremendous job proposition.
Of all the media outlets in all the land – King Arthur wanted Tinkerbell to interview Peter, Wendy, Ariel, and Jim. He wanted her to officially and publicly reinstate the Fantasian guardians on The Tinkertell Talk Show.
"Goody." Tinkerbell smirked, awaiting her conference with King Arthur. As Bellwether tweeted incessantly beside her, Tinkerbell smacked her sultry, collagen-inflated lips.
"Goody goody gum drops. Wart is so predictable. He's so obsessed with his precious guardians - he'll do anything to stuff them down the throats of every single Fantasian. Even if it means sacrificing them to me!"
Tinkerbell did a 'sexy victory dance' in her seat. The dance ended with her puffing Bellwether's wooly pom-pom bun.
Bellwether kept tweeting.
Tinkerbell frowned (at least, she tried to. The botox made it difficult). Um rude. Sexy victory dances with pom-pom bun puffs were kinda their thing.
"Hmph!" Tinkerbell took out her phone. Pouting, she zipped through her blog. "So we're ignoring each other now –that's cute. I can be social media bitch too, Smellwether."
Bellwether paused mid-tweet. Stifling a grimace, she reciprocated Tinnkerbell's bun puff.
"Sorry lambchops. I didn't mean to ignore you."
"Don't feel obligated to apologize." Tinkerbell flicked her phone. "I know who my true friends are! My one million two hundred and seventy three followers!"
"Aw lambchops..." Dawn smiled consolingly. "How could I ignore such a sparkling, shining star? Please forgive me." She tapped her phone. "I was just tweeting about our meeting with King Arthur. I'm a little worried, you know."
"To meet with Wart?" Tinkerbell cackled. "Bellwether. Honey. Trust me. Wart is such a pushover. You have nothing to worry about. He'd run across Fantasia naked if the guardians asked him to. Honestly – I think he's secretly wanted to bang Ariel for years. Ooooo!"
Tinkerbell typed furiously. "We can use that for the sex segment of our show. Oh what the hell – let's make it the lead segment! AA - Ariel and Arthur- Admirers Anonymous. I bet Amalthea would love to hear that her hubby wants to scoop sunken treasure from the little mermaid's chest!"
"Bet spaceman would love to hear that too." Bellwether sniffed, referring to Jim.
"Not as much as he'll love hearing what I have in store for Wendy." Tinkerbell flexed her diamond encrusted nails. "Puh. Wendy. Miss Holier Than Thou. I'm going to embarrass her so bad! Oooo what if we invite Peter's ex's as a guest panel? Haha! By the time we're done interviewing, Wendy will never want to see Peter again. I promise you Bellwether..."
Tinkerbell rubbed her hands diabolically. "The guardians are doomed. Oh stupid, little, orphan-boy Wart. You've made such a mistake. Revenge is mine."
Bellwether adjusted her glasses uneasily. "I wouldn't be too sure about that lambchops."
Tinkerbell almost lost it. "Excuse me?"
"Now don't get mad. But – " Bellwether glanced nervously over her shoulder. "Don't you think it's a little odd that King Arthur is suddenly giving you exactly what you wanted?"
"You mean the chance to publicly humiliate the guardians on national television?" Tinkerbell giggled at the prospect. "Not – at – all! I told you before Bellwether – Wart will do anything to praise the guardians! He knows my show has the most viewers, so he's trying to popularize them guardians on The Tinkertell Talk Show."
"Silly –" Tinkerbell added, "—because I'm going to expose every single one of them! Like lambs to the slaughter!"
"Hmmmm." Bellwether returned apprehensively to her phone. She didn't appreciate the lamb comment, but Tinkerbell was in a bad mood. It was probably best if she replied with a sheep-idiom of her own.
"Well I don't know Tinkerbell. Call me sheepish but I don't trust King Arthur. I think he's trying to pull the wool over our eyes."
"Astute." agreed Prince Branwyn, appearing around the corner. With obligatory politeness, he nodded at Bellwether. "But I imagine it takes a wolf in sheep's clothing to recognize another."
Bellwether squeaked, dropping her belongings in a fluster. Tinkerbell rolled her eyes as Bellwether clomped around for her phone, briefcase, and glasses.
Useless. So useless.
But unfortunately, Tinkerbell needed Bellwether. Prince Branwyn was right. When it came to trashy television and plotting revenge, Bellwether was a wolf in sheep's clothing. At first sight, she seemed a jittery little thing, but (as Prince Branwyn observed) Bellwether was astute to the umpteenth degree. She was a master organizer, master manipulator, and all around...well...wolf in sheep's clothing.
And Tinkerbell? She was the talent. The gorgeous, bloodthirsty talent.
Tinkerbell flung her hand at Bran.
"I'm sick of waiting in this dump. Take me to your daddy." She wiggled her fingers. "And be a dear about it, won't you princess?"
If Bran wanted to vomit he didn't let it show. Instead, he merely smiled.
"Like lambs to the slaughter, Miss Bell." he said, mimicking her turn-of-phrase. Without accepting Tinkerbell's hand, he turned. "Ladies, follow me. The king is expecting you."
Tinkerbell's cheeks flashed an angry red.
"Come on Smellwether!" Tinkerbell marched her new Brazilian butt lift after Bran. "Time for revenge of the bitch!"
Bellwether sadly minimized her Twitter account.
"Oh muttonchops." she sighed.