The actions that follow feel like they're in slow motion. I don't know how to react to all the emotion bubbling over Gerard like a tea kettle whistling to let you know it's done. I count the stream of tears that pour down his rosy cheeks and onto his palms as he tries to speak, his words are choked and muffled. I get him a tissue to wipe away the snot that couldn't be held back anymore and I try to be as supportive as I can by rubbing his back as a way to comfort him and simply listening to all he had to say. He starts recalling events to me that I knew ripped open a wound he had once upon a time closed in hopes to keep it sealed. His eyes are red from the crying and he's starting to get the shakes. I wrap my arms around his shaking body and hold him close to me. I kiss the top of his head as he buries himself in my arms as though I am his shield.
"F-frank.. I-i don't think I've ever told anyone this before but when I was 15.. Well, I ran away from home and i-I didn't come back for... I don't know, a week maybe? I was staying at my first boyfriend's house and his parents didn't know I was there and they didn't even know he was dating anyone let alone a guy like me. We got really hammered that night and I got really quiet and I was just stuck in my head and he, uh Bert, he uh, he started making out with me which we had done a fuckton of times before but he wanted to go further and I wasn't ready but I wasn't strong enough to stop him and all I remember was shouting 'no!' repeatedly while he took advantage of me and... He was my first, I guess... After that, even though I say I just drank for the taste, it's not entirely true.. Some days I just get flashbacks and I need to get them out of my head but I get to the bottom of the bottle and it's almost like I've just imprisoned them at the forefront of my mind instead. I never told anybody about that, not even Mikey, because, I guess I was embarrassed or maybe because it made me feel worthless and unwanted," he chokes out, his voice cracking and wavering. He takes a deep breath and I hold onto him a little tighter.
"It doesn't make you worthless or unwanted at all. It makes Bert a scumbag and you a victim. What he did to you wasn't with your consent so he was in the wrong not you. Babe, I love you, okay? No matter what you've gone through and what you're going through I'm not going to stop loving you, okay?" I confirm as he digs his fingers into my shoulders as he starts crying again. I can feel the tears soaking through my shirt.
"That's why i-i need to dominate and be in power and have control... I need to be on top," he whispers so quietly it's barely audible. A profound silence cloaked over us as I count his heart's offbeat pace and felt his sobs rock his body. I'm so familiar with seeing him strong and confident that seeing him this small and fearful tore open my heart. A sound starts to flood into my ears, something clanging against the window. I do my best to look towards the frosty glass but the light from the room makes it near impossible to see outside. I disregard the sound as hail or freezing rain and go back to gently rubbing circles into Gerard's back with my thumb while he holds onto me as though I'm the only thing keeping him grounded.
Gerard lets go of my waist and stands up, flattening his rinkled shirt against his body and walking towards the bathroom. The floorboards creak under his silent footsteps as he disappears from my view. I hear the tap sputter before the water begins to cascade across his skin and I hear it splashing around, most likely from him washing his face with it. The taps squeak as he turns to close them and I hear a heavy sigh as he saunters back into the room, sorrow painted on his aged face. He didn't look old until now when woe was etched into his every pore, his eyes and nose red from the outburst of tears. His shoulders are tense and his feet drag along the floor as he makes it back to me. He plops down on the couch and the springs bounce underneath his weight. He pulls his knees into his chest and wraps his arms around them. His face looks aged but his body and movements are almost child-like. He takes a big sigh and hides his face between his knees. I reach a shaky hand to his leg and give him a reassuring pat, causing him to flinch and guilt to course through me.
"Sorry," I mumble, unable to come up with anything to say that would be a better apology for frightening him.
"It-it's not your fault," he replies sheepishly, his face lifting to look at me and force a smile. His lips crack and a bit of blood bubbles from his lower lip.
"Do you want water or coffee or something?" I offer, trying to avoid the awkwardness of the rising silence.
"Just a glass of water, please." The couch shifts beneath me as my feet reach for the ground to stand up. I shuffle towards the kitchen and open the fridge, feeling the cold against my skin as I reach in and pull out a jug of frigid water. I set the jug down on the counter, hearing the water slosh inside as I open a cupboard. The cupboard's hinge creaks as I reach in and pull out a glass. Every sound I make echoes through the room. I try to set the glass down on the counter as silently as I can but it still creates a loud knocking noise. I unscrew the cap on the jug and let the crystalline water flow into the glass, the sound crisp and clean. I put the jug back in the fridge, hearing the seal pull the door closed before picking up the glass. I stride back over to the couch and pass the water to Gerard. His hand wraps around it and I let it go. I sit back down beside him, the couch adapting to my weight on the other end.
"I don't deserve you," he mumbles before taking a sip of water. My eyes are trained in him as he swallows the water and I wait for him to elaborate his statement.
"You're a good kid. You have potential. You're not a wreck or a failure and you're certainly not weak like me. You should leave while you can," he grumbles.
"I don't think I could do that. Not now. You can try to push me away all you want but just know that I'm a pain in the ass and I'm stubborn. I'm inexorable. You picked me, I don't know why but you did and now you're gonna have to put up with me, that's just how it is," I argue with a smile, trying to lighten the dampened mood. He returns my smile with a brittle grin but it's enough for me to try to pull him out from under this dark veil.
"What do you say we go for a walk?" I suggest, hoping to take him out of this room that seems to have trapped every melancholic word and emotion in the room. He nods shyly before lowering his feet to the floor and forcing himself up. I get off the couch after him and pull on a warm coat and my skeleton gloves with only half protect my fingers from the cold due to the lack of fingertips. I slide my feet into my boots and watch as Gerard slides his arms into his trenchcoat puts on a hat with ear flaps.
"You look like Sherlock Holmes," I comment with a snicker.
"On we go, my dear Watson," he responds, an impish smile. He flings open the door and I head out first, letting him pull on some boots of his own, before he skips out of the apartment, closing the door and locking it with a loud click that echoes through the hall. I race down the stairs, my feet banging against the wood loudly. I get outside and see that snow is falling to the ground and the wind is quite chilling. I hear laughter and see a couple of kids run off down the street at the sight of me. I raise an eyebrow as their footsteps grow further and further away. I turn and look at the building and see eggs dripping down Gerard's window. Were they here for him or was this random? He doesn't need to know about this. I'll just distract him. Shortly after the kids have all run off, Gerard wraps his arms around my waist and turns me so I'm looking up at him. His cold finger touches my face, sending a shiver down my spine as he wipes the snowflake from my eyelashes. His hand cups my face as he blinks once or twice. It gave me a couple seconds to really look at him, and I mean really look, I could see every distinction in his eyes that made him different from everyone else and I could see his nose closely, the way it was pointed and I could see his small teeth as his lips were curled into a wide grin. I could see a little pimple on the tip of his nose and the stubble growing on his chin and the laugh lines in the corners of his lips. I could smell his breath and it still wreaked of wine. His breath is warm and tainted but I still welcome his lips to mine as he grabs onto my lower lip and sucks a little, playing with my lip before slipping his tongue into my mouth. The taste of the wine is stronger than the smell on his breath. It's intoxicating and powerful. I feel his hand wrap around my back and pull me closer into him. He pulls back and smiles, his eyes brighten as his cheeks lift.
"I want to get out of here," he says calmly, his voice unwavering. I nod and he takes my hand. We head to his car and climb into it. The seat is cold under my body as I pull my seatbelt over, the sound pulsating in my ear as it screeches over my coat. Gerard turns the key in the ignition and clicks his seatbelt into place. The snow crunches under the car as we pull out of the parking lot.
"Where to?" I ask, unsure of his plans.
"Anywhere but here."
The minutes pass on by as the street lights disappear behind us until we're on the open freeway with the only light sources being the moon shining down onto the snow and reflecting towards the sky and the headlights from others cars blinding us as they whiz past us. I watch the trees covered in snow race by and the snow fall onto the reflective road. He pulls off on a random exit and looks around for a place to stop. We end up in the parking lot of a decent looking hotel and he undoes his seatbelt and races over to my side of the car. He practically rips the car door open before I even have the chance of taking my seatbelt off. Once the restraint is gone, he scoops his arms under me and pulls me out, kicking the door shut behind him.
"You're way too fucking eager for this," I laugh as he carries me into the building. He sets me on my feet and heads over to the reception desk. He waves the key in front of me and I walk over towards him. Excitement written all over his face as he basically bounces around. He gulps and clears his throat, licking his lips and struts over to the elevator. He clicks the button and with a ding the doors slide open and we walk in. He bites his lip in an attempt to hide his excitement. We get to the third floor and he picks me up again, holding me into his chest and walking towards the room which he has a key for.
"Okay, what in the fuck do you have planned?" I ask, my voice a little louder than I intended. He avoids my question until he sets me on the bed and locks the door behind us.
"I-I'm giving you control. I'm passing the reins to you... For now," he says, suddenly a lot more anxious than excited. His eyes tell me he thought this would go well but now he's sort of regretting his decision.
"No. You're not ready, I can tell," I start, "and plus, I've already topped before," I conclude.
"Not like the way I want you to. I want you to make me helpless. I want you to take all control from me. Blindfolds and restraints. I'm giving it all to you," he tells me, pulling out a few items from his trench coat. I take off my coat and set it on the counter area. I move over to him and he places the blindfold and rope in my hands.
"O-okay," I respond, holding the objects firmly. Every movement I make is monitored by his piercing eyes. He slowly strips off his coat, laying it over a chair and he proceeds to remove his shirt. I stop him from unbuckling his pants by touching his chest. I pull him into me and kiss him.
"Are you sure?" I ask him but before I finish the questions, he's nodding and pushing me closer to the bed. He lays down on his back and I climb over top of him, my legs on either side of his thighs as I lean down to kiss him some more. I slowly reach my hand down between his legs, every move I make sort of jerky. I slide my hand down into his pants and cup his crotch. He smiles into the kiss as I slide his pants down, kicking them to the floor.
"Now how fair is it that you still have all of your clothes on?" He mocks me as he tugs my shirt up and off of me. I pull down his boxers and let some saliva drip onto my hand before I go back to kissing him. I curl my hand around his dick and he moans into my mouth, tilting his head back slightly as he enjoys the warmth and wetness of my hand. I can feel him get even harder as my hand curls around him. He squeezes his eyes shut and tugs on my lower lip. He lifts his arms around my neck and I can feel his finger gripping my shoulders tightly. I remove my hand from him teasingly and pick up the blindfold I had set near the head of the bed. I tie it behind his head and he takes a deep breath. I get up and start tying his wrists to the bed before moving down to his ankles. I stand at the foot of the bed, feeling my hard on through my pants. I slip off the remainder of my clothes before climbing back over him.
"Are you okay?" I whisper into the crook of his neck as I push into him, feeling his warmth in this way for the first time in awhile. He nods his head and bites his lip. His wrists tug against the restraint as he omits a moan. I touch his cheek with my hand and place my lips against his jawline, leaving open mouthed kisses and moans against his skin as I move in and out of him. I feel his legs begin to shake, not out of pleasure but probably fear as my kisses lower to his neck, feeling his breath hitch in his throat.
"If it's too much, stop me," I whisper against his skin.
"N-no, I'm good," he moans, tilting his head back. I pull off from him and prop myself up higher, giving me a better position to move. I pick up the pace a little, my hands on either side of him, holding me up. I lean my head back and clench my teeth shut, pushing in harder. A little whimper falls from his mouth before a loud groan. The headboard starts banging against the wall, the noise becoming louder and louder by the minute. My arms get tired so I lean back down, slowing a little, feeling heat pool in my stomach as I grunt. I rock my hips, pushing in and pulling out of him a few more times before I can't hold off anymore and I release, groaning loudly as sweat drips off my nose onto Gerard. I pull out completely and wipe the sweat from my nose with my hand. I spit into my hand again and finish what I started earlier, curling my hand around his cock as he bucks his hips into my hand. He moans loudly as he comes in my hand. I wipe it off with a paper towel from the kitchen which is in close proximity to the bed before untying him and removing his blindfold. His wrists are red and probably throbbing in pain. There are tears staining his cheeks as he sits up. I throw him his boxers and he slides them on.
"Are you okay?" I ask him, wiping the tears from his eyes with my thumb.
"Yeah, I'm okay," he whispers. He pulls his legs back into his chest.
"If it helps, all the shit you said to me about how it hurts for you to love me, I feel like that about you too. I'm not a poetic little shit who can even come close to saying what you did about me but what you said... I liked it. I liked it a lot. Thanks," I say, my throat feeling tight with fear of embarrassment. I can feel my cheeks are ruby red as I pull on my pants.
"I think we've both had a rough enough day today without getting any more sentimental, don't you agree?" Gerard asks, laying down and climbing under the sheets.
"I agree."
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