Ryan leaves soon after waking up, leaving me and Gerard to be alone. I'll have to talk to Brendon today. Actually, why should I? It's not my relationship or anything. Why bother? Maybe it'll help them though and they're kind of a cute couple.
"Can I borrow your lighter?" Gerard says, his voice bringing me back to the room where I'm sitting on the couch that is still warm from where Ryan was sleeping. I nod and pull my lighter out from inside of my pockets and pass it to him. He puts on his coat and puts on his slippers and heads outside. Approximately five minutes later, he comes back inside.
"It's really fucking cold out there," he informs me as he heads to the kitchen.
"Do you want some coffee?" He asks me as he pours himself a cup.
"Is that even a question?" I retort, he nods and pours me a cup. He walks over with the two cups of coffee in his hands and plops down beside me on the couch.
"That Ryan kid is really hot," he says, his voice calm. My head turns rapidly towards him and I shoot him a confused glance.
"Oh.. I didn't.. I meant his actual body is really hot. The couch is like a preheated oven," he explains. Gerard glances at the clock and starts looking panicked.
"Shit! I forgot I had some photocopying to do this morning. We need to go. Now!" He shouts, standing up and pulling his coat and hat on. I pick up my jean jacket and swing it over my arms and put on my skeleton gloves. I slide my feet into my boots and Gerard pulls on his sneakers.
We get to school earlier than mostly everybody else and I hang out outside waiting for more people to arrive as Gerard heads in to do his photocopying. I pull out my pack of smokes and pull out a cigarette. I hold it in my teeth as I rummage around my pockets for my lighter before realizing Gerard has it. Fuck. I put the cigarette back into the pack and scout out somebody who might have a lighter. So far the only people at school are people who don't like me or people I don't like. I wait around a couple minutes longer and my hands start to shake. Fucking addiction. I see Brendon arrive and i jog over to him.
"Brendon!" I shout after him, hoping to get his attention. He turns to look at me and he waves the crowd of people around him off.
"What do you want, Frank? Come to tell me you fucked my boyfriend last night?" He asks, pain dripping from his words.
"No, I just wanted to get your side of the story. He told me you were really upset and he was scared. I just let him sleep on the couch," I inform him, getting a little worked up.
"Yeah, right. I know you two used to fuck and I know you were only using him and I know that you were the prick who took his virginity and God I wish it had been somebody else; anybody else but you," Brendon shouts.
"I can't take back my mistakes," I sigh, knowing that everything he said was true.
"Just stay away from me and him and everything will be fine," Brendon snaps.
"Don't be a dick to him and I won't have to see either of you," I retaliate. The second after I'm done saying the sentence, a pang of sadness runs through me. I basically just said I won't see them again if there are no problems. I like Ryan.. I don't want to never see him again.
"I'll do my best," he says and walks away. I look around and see Gerard looking at me from his classroom before turning and heading away from the window. I head into the school and stop by my locker to pick up some things before heading to class. Today could potentially be the longest day of my life.
I somehow make it through the day without having to see Brendon again which is odd because he's in a couple of my classes but I brush it off when I head to Gerard's class for my last period of the day. He's sitting in his chair and there are already other people in the room so I won't be able to talk to him until after class. Dammit. I send him a glance that says we need to talk but he himself seems to be a little preoccupied. I count down every minute of the class, hoping for at least a chance to talk to him but no such luck. The bell rings and the class clears out and Gerard and I do as well. We meet back at his car and on the way back to his place, I tell him what happened between Brendon and I.
"I don't care how good of friends you are with Ryan, I don't want you around either of them," he says before returning all of his attention to the road. I continue talking and he leaves his input every now and then but it's nothing more than a nod or a "mhm".
-
We get to the apartment and I head straight for the bedroom to put on something more comfortable when I'm being pushed to the wall and Gerard is holding me to the wall with his arm against my throat. Initially, I feel a little afraid but it seems to ebb away.
"Seems as though somebody had a very bad day. Was it because I didn't come to see you at lunch?" I ask, his arm still pushing against my throat but the more I speak, the more his grip loosens. He drops his arm and I fall to the ground as he lets out a dry laugh.
"I just get so damn jealous seeing you talking to other boys. I can't help it. The way your eyes light up when you smile and your hands do more explaining than you do. I can't help it. It infuriates me," he says, almost growling his words.
"You drive me insane," he mumbles, leaning a hand down to me. He helps me to my feet and I sit down on the edge of the bed.
"Loving you hurts so much sometimes and it's an irrational pain because it can't be physical but it feels like it is. You make me feel so alive some days and others you just drive me up a wall and I feel so goddamn insane. Some days are like pastel colors running down the canvas, leaving tear stained cheeks to feel it. Other days are like grey walls inching closer as my sanity wears thin and my eyes start to bleed, being the only color in the entrapment. Sometimes it's like swans are singing and the sunlight breaks through the pain while other time it's like tires screeching and glass shattering as the shouts get louder and the search lights flood into the scene as blood drips from the victims motionless bodies onto the torn car seats. Some days the pain is almost tangible and the sound inaudible as my heartbeat pulsates in my ears rendering me deaf. Some days the sound is so loud that the pain is forgotten behind the guitar chords and your smile and my heartbeat is masked by yours. You've created a monster and I don't know if you're aware of this. I firmly believe that I would do absolutely anything for you and there's nothing you can say that could change my mind. You can't even comprehend what you do to me. Touching you is like hearing an angel's true voice, it's deafening and deadly but I just have to, I need to feel you. Your bone structure is absolutely amazing and it's as though it were chiseled from the finest marble. Sometimes I feel like you've etched yourself into my mind. It's almost like you're a part of me. It's like you're the blood coursing through my veins and I get so damn jealous when you're with other people because you're mine, you're a part of me, not a part of them. Sometimes when I'm in class, my mind wanders to you and I just start smiling like an idiot and fuck, I'm really fucking in love with you," he admits, pacing in the room, his hand running through his hair.
"But babe, don't you ever worry that maybe this is just infatuation, not love?" I ask, not really sure why I said it. He walks over to me and buries his hand in my hair, leaning down to kiss me. His lips are soft but his hand is shaky. He pushes me back and climbs over me. He lifts his shirt and throws it to the ground.
"Something I've learned is that life is what you make it, if it turns out to be infatuation, it's because one of us made it that way. So don't tell me it's not love because, sugar, you've buried yourself in my veins, you fuck,"
"Where did you get that line? Tumblr?" I smirk, biting my lip as he buries his face between my neck to deepen the purple of the love bites that he's already left there.
"I'm not trying to be coquettish right now, I'm being honest. Not everything I say is flirty," he states.
"Sorry, I'm not very good with compliments as rich as that," I mumble in apology. His fingers reach the bottom of my shirt. He lifts my shirt over my head, before returning his lips to mine. His kisses are rough and needy, his touch electric. My heart starts beating faster as his fingers fumble towards my jeans, sliding them off my body. His hand dance up my chest, meeting my chin and tilting me away from him as his lips leave mine. His thumb runs over my lips before dipping into my mouth. I close my lips around it and suck a little. He pulls it out and trails it down my chin and neck. His thumb rubs over my nipple and I bite my lip.
"I want to have control," he whispers in my ear before his body leaves me completely. He slips off my boxers before twirling his finger, telling me to turn over. I get on my hands and knees and I hear the sound of chains rattling getting closer to my head. I feel the cold metal wrap around my wrist as he ties me to the bed. He does the same to my other wrist and tightens it comfortably.
"I want you to stop me when the hourglass runs out, got it?" He orders, setting an hourglass on the nightstand that is in my view. I nod my head and he flips it. He moves behind me and the silence that fills the room as the sand spills through the hourglass.
"Why an hourglass?" I ask but all I get in reply is a sharp smack on the ass with a whip. I bite my lower lip as the whip takes another lick. A moan forms at the back of my throat, begging to be released. I pull against the chains and it reminds me that they're there, the noise echoing through the room before I hear the air being cut by the rope. The strike hard this time and I know they'll get increasingly more painful. I look over at the hourglass seeing that already a quarter of its sand has flowed through. I don't get much time to anticipate the strike before I feel the cord ripping at least a layer of skin, if not more, as it hits. I stifle a laugh as next kiss makes my arms shake. I arch my back, ready for the next hit and when it arrives I moan like a cheap whore. I look back at the hourglass and not much has changed. The sound of the whip hitting my skin this time is exhilarating because I feel a little bit of liquid dripping from the area being hit. My legs start to shake as he continues, the strikes getting harder and the pain making itself very aware. I squeeze my eyes shut and groan as the sand continues to trickle slowly. It's almost empty and my heart is pounding out of my chest. I can feel the precum dripping from me. I didn't realize how hard I was until now. The last bit of sand trickles out and I inform Gerard of this. His hand touches my ass where he had been whipping it and it sends shocks through me but they're not that noticeable. I'm high on endorphins right now and it's all just so amazing. He smears, what I assume is blood, around a little before kissing the wounds.
"You're really turned on right now, aren't you, my little masochist?" He toys with me with a quiet little chuckle. He undoes the chains around my wrists and gets me to turn over. I glance at his hands and see red on them, affirming the fact that I'm a little bloody. He rebinds my wrists but this time, binds my ankles as well.
"Pull a little," he orders, tightening the chains. I tug on my leg and it barely moves then I try the other and it doesn't budge much either.
"Perfect," he whispers, a smile curled on his lips. He stands in front of me completely shirtless and unable to hide his obvious boner. He undoes his pants and lets them fall to the floor.
"Somebody didn't wear underwear to work today," I comment as he climbs over top of me, his lips meeting mine once more. I pull against the chain, instinctively wanting to touch him while I kiss him. He's hovering over me just enough so that he isn't pressed against me. He runs his fingers over my cock and I moan into his mouth. Shivers course through me as his thumb runs over the head of my dick.
"Are you just going to tease me or are you going to fuck me?" I whisper as close to his ear as I can, breaking our lip apart. He smirks and kisses the spot below my ear on my neck.
"Why don't you be a good little bitch and beg for it?" He counters, his hot breath making the hair on my neck stand on edge.
"Woof," I reply, my voice dripping with sarcasm and he chuckles. He lowers himself down so his face is between my thighs.
"All you have to do is beg," he taunts, letting me feel how close to my dick he is by letting his warm breath do all the talking. I bite my lip and close my eyes.
"Fucking hell... Please," I moan, the teasing driving me up a wall. He laughs a little before returning above me, his fingers touching my cheek before he pushes in. I tilt my head back, pushing it into the mattress.
"Oh God," I moan, finally getting what I want. His fingers dig into my thighs as he rocks his hips, pulling himself out before thrusting back in. I open my eyes and marvel at his beauty. The way he bites his lips and screws his eyes shut, holding back any sound but not doing so well enough because his mouth soon falls open with a groan. I want to touch myself so badly as I watch this... This... Sex God, if you will, fuck me but I can't because of the restraints. Even though he gave me what I wanted, he's still teasing me by having me chained up. I moan and arch my back as he pushes in deeper. I bite my lip hard and a metallic taste floods through my mouth.
"Fuck.." He moans, leaning closer to me. I feel his breath on my chest as he hovers over me, his movements becoming jerky as he reaches his climax. He leans away from me as he comes, groaning loudly. He pulls out and returns between my legs but instead of teasing me this time, he takes me in his mouth. I buck my hips up as far as the restraints allow me and I touch the back of his throat, sending me over the edge. I moan as my eyes catch his and I can't hold off any longer. I come in his mouth and he swallows effortlessly. Silently, he walks over to each corner of the bed and unchains me, letting the chains fall to the ground.
"I'll pick that up later," he informs me before plopping down in bed beside me. I lay against his chest and feel his heartbeat race. He starts tapping my skin rhythmically. His heartbeat slows slightly as his lips part.
"And I'd give up forever to touch you,
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow.
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be,
And I don't wanna go home right now.
And all I can taste is this moment.
And all I can breathe is your life.
When sooner or later it's over,
I just don't wanna miss you tonight.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming,
Or the moment of truth in your lies.
When everything feels like the movies,
Yeah, you bleed just to know you're alive.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.
And I don't want the world to see me,
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am," he sings, his voice getting shaky near the end but by the time I look up at him, it makes sense because there are tears in his eyes.
"I love you, Frankie," he says, kissing my forehead. That's the first time I've ever heard him use that name for me.
"I love you, too."
-
The next morning is almost an exact replica morning of the day before. We rush to school, spilling coffee all over ourselves and having no change of shirts for the day. I leave his side and head to my first class which I really don't know why I even go to anymore, I don't do the majority of the work I'm expected to and all I do is let my mind wander the whole time. I'm in English class and the only relevance from the class to my thoughts are the language in which they're in. I tap my pencil against my desk as my mind floats through time and space, pulling forward the memory of last night when Gerard installed a fear inside of me because he held me so high in his mind that if I screwed anything up, I could probably kill him. Back to when he admitted how he felt and I tried to play it off coolly but kinda fucked it up in the process. I bury my face in my hands as I regret a lot of what I did last night, knowing I said the wrong things at the wrong time. It feels almost like centuries have gone by of me dwelling on these thoughts before the bell rings, excusing us from our current class and into the next.
I head to Gerard's class at during my free period, expecting to see him in there but instead there's a woman with dark brown hair leaning over his desk, going over some papers. I turn around and head to the courtyard. I find a quiet spot under a tree whose leaves have abandoned it months ago. I sit in the snow, my back propped against the cold bark. The snow crunches as my body descends onto it. I pull out my phone and dial Gerard's number. It rings a few times but when the answering machine picks up, I put it away. He might just be doing something for the exams, he does have to create them after all. I haven't even started studying for exams, I really don't care. There isn't a bone in my body that says "let's study". I try Gerard's phone again but this time I leave a message telling him to call me back as soon as possible and I wait for his call. I pull out my wallet to see if there's anything at all inside but I knew already there wouldn't be. I really need a fucking job. I look up at the grey-ish white sky and watch the snowflakes drift through the air before falling to the ground. I'm an impatient person and after waiting what felt like an eternity but was only actually a minute, I stand up and call Gerard again, half knowing he wouldn't pick up. I head to the main office and wait for the secretary to come talk to me. I see her in the other room talking on the phone with a wide grin that tells me it isn't somebody relevant to her job but rather a friend to occupy her boredom. She finally sees me and hangs up the phone.
"Hello dear, what do you need?" She asks, leaning over the wraparound desk that was just about a foot shorter than me.
"Where can I find Ge- I mean, Mr. Way?" I request.
"Oh, he left after first period. He's taking the day off. He looked awful sick when he told me. What did you need? I could take a message and relay it to him later if you want," she offers but by the time she's done talking, I'm already out of the office and on my way home.
I race as fast as I can to make sure Gerard's alright. I get there, not really sure what to expect but there was a bad feeling in my gut. I climb the stairs as fast as I can with butterflies in my stomach. As I push the door open, my heart sinks as I see Gerard sitting on the couch with a bottle of cheap wine in his hands. He doesn't notice me at first but eventually, he looks up and sees me. He drops the bottle and his eyes shoot open as wide as I've ever seen them.
"It's not what it looks like," he tries but I already know exactly what it is. I sit down on the couch beside him and wrap my arm around him, pulling him into me.
"I can't expect you to understand. I didn't mean to relapse. God, I hate that word. I had a bad morning and I left at lunch. I needed the taste... God, I needed it. I needed it so bad. I'm sorry," he apologizes, his eyes red with tears. I rub his back as his body shakes a little.
"I knew you'd have some fuck ups. You can't just get clean without slip ups. There will be some bumps in the road but eventually you'll learn how to handle everything and though the road won't be smooth, it won't phase you anymore. I have faith in you," I say, trying to sound hopeful and sincere. He turns and hugs me, burying his face in my chest. I wrap my arms around him in reply and let him sob into my shirt.
"Save me from my self destruction. Save me from the addiction and my demons. I'm not strong enough to do it on my own," he cries, sitting up straight and wiping his tears away. I kiss his forehead and run my fingers through his hair.
"I'll never let them take the light behind your eyes."
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