Title: Resist
Author: 420_feelings
Status: Ongoing
Focus: Everything
Title and Cover (4/5)
“Resist" is a great word that represents your story perfectly. Being able to represent a story in one word always impresses me, especially when it works as well as this one does. It represents both main characters' story arcs in different ways – making your title have layered meanings. Excellent.
I like the black and white. The chess game and woman is an interesting visual that illustrates the underlining theme of your story beautifully. I think you could give the title font a black outline so it doesn't bleed into the white parts of the background. Also the subtitle is a bit small and difficult to read.
Description (5/5)
This is a unique description. With two separate voices communicating their own short summary of what is to come – from their own personal perspectives. This was a cool way to hook your reader in whilst setting up the structure of the whole book. Of two separate point of views writing parallel to each other. Great work!
Grammar (1/5)
I noticed quite a few grammatical errors throughout. I commented on some as I read. However, I also wanted to mention a few here so I can explain some corrections in more detail.
In the prologue you repeated the word “face" quite a few times. Five times altogether (four times in a three sentence long paragraph). This reads a bit repetitive. I think it would benefit your prologue if you took out a few.
I noticed that you missed out some punctuation here and there, especially commas. Sentences without the right punctuation lack rhythm and can hinder the flow for your reader. I would suggest reading through each chapter aloud and where you would naturally take a breath or a slight pause insert a comma or other appropriate punctuation.
Example: “They too after about five minutes move to the forest.”
Edit: “They too, after about five minutes, move to the forest.”
I added two commas within this example. Sectioning out that middle part is the correct thing to do here, for it is extra information – if it was taken straight out, the sentence would still make sense.
“Cold with furious.” Should be “Cold with fury.” – furious is an adjective you need a noun for this sentence to work.
“Touch her and I'll cut your dick before feeding it to you.” – this sentence is a bit confusing to read. I think it would make more sense if you wrote – “Touch her and I'll cut your dick off and feed it to you.”
And the last point I wanted to mention in this section is that you tend to miss out small words in sentences. One in particular “the". I noticed a number of times that these words are just skipped, making your writing sound a bit choppy and unpolished.
Writing Style (3/5)
The prologue is short and snappy. I loved how you kicked things off with some intense action. You paced this quick prologue quite nicely, expressing the urgency incredibly well. I could feel how out of breath and stressed Carina was in such a small amount of words. Great skill shown there.
Swapping the point of view works so well within this story! What a great idea. It really plays on the theme that you suggest with the chess game picture on your cover. It’s as if both of your main characters are taking turns in a game of strategy. Very clever structure work there!
Your use of imagery is beautifully subtle and slots into your story with ease. I really liked how you described Carina's eyes and how the darkness came over her at the end of chapter one. Poetic and vividly written. Just be careful to be sure that when you write down imagery that you take care with the execution. The smallest error can distract your reader and the power of your imagery can get lost.
For example: “Never before I have ever seen eyes that held beauty as well as danger all at once.”
Because of clumsy word order and inclusion of phrases that express the same thing , this sentence, (however having great potential, what a gorgeous idea to express her feelings towards this man) is a bit confusing to read. There are two possible edits you could make here:
1. “Never before have I seen eyes that held beauty as well as danger.”
2. “Never have I ever seen eyes that held beauty and danger all at once.”
Your descriptions are incredibly realistic and immersive. You show a brilliant balance of emotion and physical reactions within more mature scenes. Nothing comes across as too crass, in my opinion, just hard core realism. Hats off to you there.
I liked your use of dreams, flashbacks and visions to explain characters' various decisions and mental processes. These sections, however, were inconsistently set apart from your main narrative. Sometimes you use italics sometimes you don't. I think to save confusion you should write these sections all the same way. The writing framing these parts, however, do effectively explain the context of them, so I always knew what was happening – if it was a dream, a day dream or something that really happened in the past.
Characterisation (5/5)
Like a chess game we have the white team – Carina and the black team – Antonio.
Carina is even the first to share her point of view! I love that this theme is carried through.
Both of your main characters are very complex individuals with their own personality traits, opinions and backgrounds. You gradually build them up as you write, giving your reader a realistic look into how two conflicting individuals clash and get drawn together. I found Carina and Antonio's almost deranged relationship so intriguing to read and the sexual tension between them is incredibly expressed through great subtlety. You use a good balance of restriction and longing that gave there contrasting feelings authenticity
It was very clever how you showed the opposing character traits of your two narrators. Carina wears her heart on her sleeve, she's honest and doesn't hold back. She's also quite calculated at times. I appreciate that, you didn't just write her as a damsel in distress. She is a woman who knows her own mind! Antonio is very reserved when it comes to emotions. He keeps his cards to his chest and comes across as quite intimidating at times. You also include brief moments where he seems almost out of his depth with Carina. (I loved the scene where she sleeps on him. His reactions were priceless).
Luca is a firecracker. I love his interactions with his brother. They're fun and bring a comic relief to the book. You show their close family bond through harmless jabs and witty quips. Then when you show how his temper can flare later, with his interaction with Carina, it threw me off guard and made your story much more interesting. The voice of reason within Antonio's life, I can see him getting very frustrated as the story goes on. I also love how shameless this character is!
Plot (5/5)
I loved the plot. It has a great pace and takes the reader on an exciting journey through the effects of power struggles and lust.
You start things off by not giving your reader too much information about your two main characters. It’s as if I was made to look into a small window of their lives only for them to crash together in a violent, unexpected way. A very exciting way to start.
Each chapter then built up the picture of how their two very different personalities interacted whilst acting on their own designed game plans. I loved that they were like-minded in regards to what that “plan" should be. A recipe of disaster, I have no doubt!
You set up mysteries within their backstories. Especially with Antonio. Bringing up questions that must be answered! A great way to draw in your reader even more. Brilliant work there!
The back and forth of power is intriguing to read. Pulling from sexual temptation, to intimidation and power struggle, to emotional manipulation. The subtle changes within each of Carina and Antonio's interactions are well communicated.
Luca's introduction was a fun scene to read.
The flashbacks, dreams and visions that you included are well written and are perfectly placed to move the plot along. Carina's inner conflict with her role in her own family and her so-called “freedom” with Antonio her captor. Where in her life is she truly free? It’s a hard call. So intriguing. A fascinating commentary on exaggerated female troubles.
Overall (23/30)
A super intense story of hatred and lust. You handled the mature themes of this story really well. You also kept an intriguing story that only gets more and more interesting as you read on. I love that nothing was out of place or over done. You showed a great talent within writing in this genre. Just a few grammar mistakes here and there. Once edited, this story would be a winner!
Thank you for asking me to review this incredible story. I hope you found my feedback helpful.