My mind is heavy but my body is floating. I feel lifeless but my bones are full of powder. I can't differentiate between my dreams and reality, they've been moulded into one giant blur photograph.
I've been like this for two or three days. I refuse to leave my room.
The first day I woke up I cried, I don't know what came over me to take those pills in such a big amount. Luckily they were expired, and Xanax doesn't have any side effect.
I could've been in a coma or even death if it weren't for it.
I don't know who or even why we had them in the house but somehow I didn't seem to care.
Mom knocked and shouted but I drowned myself in music.
Lexi banged the door so hard I thought it would break but it didn't.
I told her I'm okay I need some time. She said okay.
I laid on the bed for the whole day. My phone switched off.
Just me my thoughts and alcohol.
The second day I laid on the bed whole day contemplating whether to leave it or not.
Mom asked me to come out and I denied. I haven't heard from her since then.
Lexi came up to check on me a few times, I told her the same thing as yesterday.
I still can't believe she pulled something like that on me.
And dad? Well, I haven't heard from him since that night.
I don't even expect him to be here.
And Ryan? My phone is switched off for the last two days and even he didn't seem to care. Not that I mind. I don't want any company.
With everyone gone I've been going to the kitchen to eat. Only Doris knows about it. The first day I went to take some food, she didn't ask me what was wrong, just hugged me, and I stood there, my hands at my sides, body stiff as a statue. I didn't know how to react.
Today is day three, everybody is out at Lexi's shitty show. My birthday's tomorrow, I'll be turning eighteen, practically an adult with a messy life. It seems like a huge responsibility, I haven't figured out my life, and with me not getting into any college, it's 10x harder.
Oh if they aren't the problems I tried to avoid by sleeping.
Honestly, I might just sleep, at least I'm not being a disappointment during that specific part of the day.
I glance at the clock, twenty-three minutes to twelve. Well, might just sleep and lay here for the rest of the day or week or month.
Happy birthday to me.
***
"Alyssa!!" There's a loud banging at my door.
Ugh.
I open my left eye, the clock gaining my attention, for fucks sake it's just eleven in the morning.
"Fuck off Lexi," I shout hiding my face in the sheets.
Go away, please. I whisper more to myself than her before breaking down.
***
I open my eyes, my stomach rumbles, signalling I'm hungry. It's six in the evening, shit, how?? I don't know how I slept for so long, but then lately all I've done is sleep.
I gently stand up, my mouth dry and stains from the tears of last night covering my face. My mind is fuzzy, the alcohol bottles litter at my feet, I push them away, a book falls on the floor, skidding a few feet before landing on my feet. I pick it up gently, a light chuckle leaves my mouth when I realise it's the same book I took from the library.
I gently place it on the bookshelf before walking inside to take a shower. I don't remember the last time I showered, sniffing my body I gag when a foul smell meets my nostrils. Time passes by as I take my sweet time trying to brush off the last few days.
All I've been doing these days is think and I've come to the conclusion I can't do anything to change it. Whatever happened, it happened. I need to try again and leave this stupid town when spring comes. It's still hard for me, knowing that I didn't get the chance to do it now but I can't waste more time thinking about what could've happened instead of trying to make it happen.
I'm in a better mood today. Maybe I'll go out and do something. I turn the shower off, wrapping the towel around my body I leave. My phone sits in the corner of the room, plugging it for charging I take out my favourite pair of sweats. As I look in the mirror, I love how my blue hair looks. The black colour of my clothes complements it.
I make an effort to get ready this time. Maybe I'll get some ice cream, even talk to Ryan and chase, maybe even Lexi. Ten minutes later I'm looking good, my hair down my shoulder with light makeup on my face. I feel light. My mind doesn't hurt.
I switch on my phone, it immediately starts buzzing again and again. I look at the date and curse.
Fuck.
How can I forget?
It's my eighteenth birthday.
Stupid Alyssa.
But what gains most of my attention are the fifty-seven missed calls and twenty-six messages from Ryan.
What the fuck?
What happened?
Then it happens.
Lexi shouting "Alyssa! Open the goddamn door or I'll break it. It's really important."
"Please." Her voice breaking at the last word.
I sprint off to the door opening it, what is going on?
She immediately pulls me into a hug, sobbing her eyes out.
"Lexi, are you okay?" I ask gulping down the bile forming in my throat.
"It's," she shakes her head "It's,"
"It's?" I move my hands up and down her hair.
"It's Ryan's." She sobs. My body freezes. What? Ryan? What happened to him?
The phone calls and messages come to my mind.
Fuck what happened to him?
"What about him?" I ask, my voice cracking.
I send a silent prayer it's not something I think it is.
"His dad." She says her shoulders shaking so bad as if I'm in an earthquake.
"What about him?" I ask, at least nothing happened to Ryan.
"He died." She says the last word and falls apart into my arms. My breath hitches.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Ryan's dad?
His dad?
I take in a deep breath.
My hands are shaking. The floor sways beneath my feet. I can't find my voice. My eyes burn, a vision so blur. The guilty feeling swims in my stomach.
When I don't speak for a while Lexi pulls away looking at me. Her ocean-blue eyes full of red storms look into mine but all I see are the ones I've been looking at for the last few weeks. Eyes like the black hole, pulling me towards them, swallowing me in the darkness.
"Al." She softly says but I put my hand up in the air
"I need time," I say like every time before shutting the door at her face.
Things happen so fast.
My phone is in my hand. The next moment it's against the wall, making a big crashing sound as it falls onto the floor sliding from the wall.
Books are in my hand. The next moment they're on the floor.
There is a loud banging on the door. The next moment I can't differentiate between it and my screams.
Why?
Why?
Why?
The alcohol bottle is in my hand. The next moment my throat is burning with all the liquid.
I slide onto the floor, a burning sensation in my back because of the wall.
I tug at my hair, Why? How? Why? How? Why didn't he tell me? Did they know? Or did it happened out of nowhere?
I dig my nails in my thighs as I sit there on the floor staring at the wall on the opposite side.
My minds not stable. Hell, it hasn't been for a few days now.
It feels like a pull. A small tug making me lose all my sanity. That was all needed. A pull to make me reach my limit. This is it. This is the last shred. I'm going insane, I've been going since the day I met Ryan in front of that darn library and the only person who I could count on is the reason why.
I take a swig from the bottle beside me.
Happy fucking eighteen birthday Alyssa Green.