During Christmas, my Dad was going to give me money, but I told him to put it toward my college stuff. I wasn't interested in any gifts this year. I only wanted one thing, one person. He can't gift me that. Although, I wish he could. I'm sure he feels the same.
I concluded that I should probably be more careful with what I wish for anyway.
It's been troublesome trying to sleep lately.
I've been having dreams about the fight Kendall and I had. And in the dreams, it usually ends with the knife stuck in my gut. No matter what I do differently it all ends the same. And I've realized that's how I've been feeling for a long time.
It's like I've been stuck in a never-ending cycle. But if there was one good thing coming out of this break, it's that Athena's been having a great time. At least she makes it seem that way.
The slice on my palm healed nicely. I did a good job managing to hide it from my Dad. I didn't bother going to Athena's place a second time for her car. I was almost afraid that Kendall was there waiting for me for a rematch even though I did a number on him.
He couldn't beat me — ever. Not physically, at least.
I made the thoughts disappear. I was getting ready to head to Tommy's aunt's house. His family is hosting a nice New Year's Eve party and I was surprisingly invited.
Tommy informed me that his aunt is practically rich, with a beautiful brand new built one-story house and about two acres of land for the backyard alone.
Of course, I fought against being invited. Holidays don't really matter to me anymore and at the moment I felt there was nothing to celebrate. My father is currently working an all-nighter for the double-overtime money. I don't blame him.
I wore a white button-up long sleeve with black slacks and black dress shoes. I didn't know what to do with my hair, so I just left it alone. I sprayed my cologne on and checked myself out in the bathroom before leaving.
I got to Tommy's house. He looked great and totally different. He was wearing a nice tuxedo that was obviously tailored to his body. His hair was straight and slicked back with gel. I was thoroughly impressed with how well he cleaned up.
We all went to his aunt's house in his parent's SUV. When we got there I was in awe with the number of cars that were in the driveway and even on the lawn. Tommy wasn't fucking lying when he said this woman owned land.
Through the countless meet and greets, fake smiles, small talks, and the kids running around, I was already socially exhausted. Tommy even introduced me to his cousins that were around our age. As much as I tried to ignore it, I was getting weird looks and stares — from everyone that really noticed me, but I didn't care. Tonight I was mentally checked out again.
I was happy for Tommy. Happy that at least someone was enjoying the holidays this year. Happy he had a family and his two parents. He seemed happy too. And I desperately wanted to tell him how jealous I was. How badly I missed my family. I know Tommy only meant well tonight. He was aware that I spent Christmas doing maintenance to my car, covered in grease, dirt, and oil. He wanted me to be surrounded by love tonight. And tonight wasn't about me.
But the truth was, none of these people loved me. None of them knew me and probably won't ever know me. There is no previous connection or a connection at all. No memories. Nothing. So I felt like I didn't belong amidst the laughter and kind gestures. I felt out of place and lost.
While I forced myself to eat the expensive food that I was served, I watched everyone interact with each other. Tommy was enjoying his time with his cousins, all boys, and a few girls for that matter.
Of course, him being adopted meant that he didn't look like the rest of his family at all. Everyone shared some sort of resemblance whether it was their skin tone, hair texture, or facial features. It was nice to see that he was accepted nonetheless. I'm pretty sure everyone knows that he was adopted.
Midnight was falling faster than I thought. My mind drifted back off to Athena. I'm always thinking about her and wondering what she could be doing. Deep down inside I knew she was the only one that could possibly make a night this harsh feel like heaven.
I couldn't beat this grim feeling that the second half of this semester wasn't going to be easy. In fact, that's part of my anxiety lately. Now with Jason somehow squeezing his way back into the picture, this dumb rumor about another affair, and Kendall trying to fucking kill me, it was like the tides were beginning to rise again.
A positive mindset was key, but the key I had was faulty. The key I had wasn't unlocking anything. It didn't fit anywhere and I ran out of doors to try. To think I barely got away from Gallagher's grasp. How am I supposed to manage all this now?
When the countdown of the new year began, I silently slipped out to the overwhelmingly large backyard through two glass sliding doors. I brought a glass of whatever liquor they poured in here. It was dark so I knew it was going to make tipsy pretty fast.
I sat down in the grass. It was clear skies tonight, the moon bright and beautiful. I began to sip my drink. It was absolutely disgusting and something told me it probably wasn't meant to be filled to the brim of the glass.
Fireworks began to pop into the skies. I could hear the loud shouting inside. I took out my phone and texted Athena, "Happy New Year. Don't party too hard tonight."
"Happy New Year. I'll try not too and I can't wait to see you when I come back home."
The text made me tear up. I decided not to fight it tonight. It was all too much for me. The party, the fancy dressing, the talking, the shouting, the family, everyone's over the top cheerfulness.
It reminded me too much of my own family and how well put together we seem to be when my Mom was alive. And how easy we fell apart.
I didn't hate my family. I couldn't hate them. And it's not like I had enough energy to anyway. I had other things to focus on. Other things to worry about.
I couldn't wait to see Athena. I couldn't wait for things to be different. I quickly wiped my tears and my nose when I heard someone open the sliding door behind me.
"Joe?"
I sighed under my breath and put my phone back into my pocket, "Yup?"
Tommy sat down next to me. His blazer on his lap, "You alright?"
I shrugged and took a sip of my drink, "As alright as I'll ever be."
"I'm starting to think maybe this ... wasn't a good idea?"
I looked over at him, "What wasn't a good idea?"
He sighed and shook his head, "Nothing. Forget it. How's Ms. Frost — I mean—"
"It's okay, you probably shouldn't get in the habit of calling her by her first name," I mentioned casually. "She's fine."
He grabbed my drink out of my hand and took a sip of it himself. His face scrunched up as he forced swallowed it, "How'd it start?"
"Um ..." I sighed, my head feeling weird and hollow already. "She was at the same club I was on a Saturday night. I had no idea, obviously. I drank on an empty stomach. Threw up outside the club and she was there. She helped me. Ever since it's kinda been like ... whenever I'm in trouble, she's there. Doesn't matter what it is or she runs into me."
He cleared his throat roughly, the liquor clearly too strong for him, "Maybe it's fate."
"Fate?" I repeated. "I don't think I believe in fate. If fate is real then we have no free will to live how we want. Everything is predestined. And that fucking sucks."
"Maybe not everything in this life is predestined. Maybe certain events are. It's a cool concept. Don't shoot it down asshole."
I smiled, "Sorry. Just not in a great mood right now."
"Figures," He sighed. "By the way, this drink tastes like rotten ass."
I smirked and took my glass back from him, "Like a good friend of mine once said, we drink to forget, not to taste."
"Happy new year to that."
"Yeah, happy new year," I took sip of the liquor then poured a little out on the grass. "Happy new year, Mom."
We sat on the grass for most of the night, looking out and the moon and just talking while everyone was partying inside. Me and Tommy took turns drinking until there was nothing left.
Athena would be home in three more days. The countdown began in my head. I had to prepare myself to lie to her. I didn't want to lie, but I didn't really have a choice.