"Dammit Lori! You don't just sneak up on people like that." I said, clutching my chest. I was in the locker room changing into my blue scrubs, when I closed the locker door and was face to face with an aggravated looking Lori.
"You look like hell." I know I look like hell, that's what happens when your husband shatters your heart into a million pieces.
"Good Morning to you too." I folded my clothes and placed them inside my locker neatly. Sitting on the bench I slipped on my sneakers as Lori stood beside me leaning on the lockers. I finished getting myself together by tying my hair back into a ponytail. I realized Lori was still leaning against the lockers in silence. When I finally looked up I was met with her staring me down. "Can I help you?"
"You gonna tell me what's going on?" Act stupid.
"Nothing's going on. Just haven't been getting much sleep, that's all." I shrugged standing up and moving passed her to clock in. I swiped my ID badge through the system and hit the green button on the screen to confirm. As I turned Lori was blocking me in.
"What?"
She scoffed, "You're hiding something."
"No I'm not." Liar
She tilted her head and looked at me like I was dumb. "Uhh yes you are," she said with pure confidence.
"Lori, I don't know what to tell youuu—", she started to lean into me, the closer her face got the more I was able to see her features very clearly. Her makeup was done to perfection, she smelled of lavender and her lips were very glossy. I began taking a step back only to have her take another one forward. I tried to reason my way out, "Lori we're going to be late for rounds."
"Not my fault." The fuck you mean?!
"Not your fault?! You are literally the one keeping us from going anywhere." The final step I took landed my back against the shower wall. Lori was standing in front of me with her arms crossed.
"Talk...now."
"Lori I'm not doing this right now."
"When then? Huh? Because you've been avoiding me." She held up her hand before I could retort, stopping whatever lie I was going to come up with. "At first I didn't think anything of it, just thought you were extra stressed and decided to take you to the bar. Then that same night you called Ryan of all people. Ryan, someone you haven't spoken to in, what, two years. Then you go M.I.A all weekend and aren't returning any of my messages. I mean what the hell is going on?" She huffed out a breath after her winded rant.
"Lori I'm fine I—"
She took a step forward into my space with a stern face cutting my sentence short. "Lo juro por Dios! I will turn on the shower and drench your ass if you don't start talking!"
I opened my mouth but paused midway when I knew all that was going to escape were more lies.
"I-I"
"Have it your way then."
"Wait, don't!" In no time at all I felt a cold liquid drench every part of my scalp. I let out a slight squeal and went to move but Lori's hand was on my chest holding me in place.
"Talk!"
"You are such a bitch!" The water was coming down freezing and fast. I felt the parts of myself that were dry slowly becoming soaked. The only logical response to this whole thing was to make her suffer as much as me. I put my arms out and grabbed her waist pulling her in for a hug.
"Martha! AAAAhhh!" She yelled and I felt her arms flailing around. We tousled for a little bit before we tumbled out of the line of the water and onto the shower floor, panting and dripping wet. "Damn it Martha, I just wanted you to talk to me! I know something is wrong, Ryan told me you showed up to his house drunk, not being able to pick up your own daughter. I mean what could possibly make you—"
"Jonathan cheated." The water was still coming down as I stared ahead, unable to look at her. It was silent but I knew she was still processing my words. When I knew nothing else was going to be said I slowly stood up and walked away.
~~~~~~
The floor was squeaking underneath our feet as we walked down the hallway. Stares coming from fellow coworkers and patients were starting to get to me. The fact that I wore minimal make up today was a plus, that meant I didn't have mascara dripping down my face, unlike Lori. The locker room was conveniently out of towels, hence our walk of shame. "I hope you're happy." I was walking down the hallway with Lori next to me.
"This wouldn't have happened if you would have just been honest." I stopped in my tracks and gaped at her.
"Are you fucking kidding me? Do you at least see now why I wasn't really in the mood to talk about it?"
"In my defense, had I known, I would have been a little more... gentle, with how I decided to extract information out of you."
I gave her my 'oh really' face and crossed my arms. "So you're saying your approach wouldn't have been to corner me in the shower and drench me from head to toe making us both late for rounds?"
"Exactly." I rolled my eyes and turned to continue walking.
"Look I'm sorry, but at least try to see it from my perspective. My best friend is being shady, avoiding me and then I find out she's going to a guy she cut out of her life two years ago instead of coming to someone who has been here the whole time. I had no idea things were this bad."
Guilt immediately hit me once I thought about it. She was right, instead of going to her I went to Ryan. I hadn't spoken to him in two years and my drunken stupor led me right to him. I stopped in my tracks, turned around, and opened my mouth to apologize.
"Excuse me." A deep voice came from the side, taking Lori and I's attention away from one another. The man standing there had a head full of dark brown hair that had slight curls to it. He had to have been at least 6'3", a whole freaking foot taller than me. His eyes were a gray silver that were very magnetic, it complimented his caramel skin perfectly.
What is it about men having these amazing eyes?! And why do these look so familiar?
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to interrupt but I'm a bit lost. Someone was supposed to show me to the pediatrics department." He slowed down his sentence as he took in my appearance. "Um, are you okay?"
"Uhh yeah we are. We just had a bit of an incident."
His gaze wandered around me and he furrowed his brows slightly "We?"
"Yea, me and," my voice trailed off when I turned to point Lori out to him and saw no one. I looked back over to him and let out a nervous laugh, "never mind."
"I'm sorry, do I know you?"
"I don't think so." I shook my head even though I knew he looked familiar.
"Well either way, I'm Dr. Reyes." He said, holding out his hand as he gave a slight grin. I reached out and shook his hand. "Nurse Carso."
He paused in the middle of our hand shake, "It wouldn't happen to be Martha would it?" My eyes widened in shock.
"Uh yea?"
"It's me, Mason, from the neighborhood, I was part of Ryan's friend group." He said trying to jog my memory.
"Oh my God! Mason?!" A chuckle slipped from his lips as he saw recognition hit me.
"Yea what's it been like 10 years?"
"Has it really been that long?"
"Well yea, my parents and I moved across the country right before my junior year of high school."
"Ryan did tell me that, though he never told me why."
"I asked him not to say anything to anyone. My grandparents were sick, so we moved out there to take care of them till the end."
My heart ached at the thought, I knew how hard it was to lose someone. Though I couldn't imagine watching till the very end. "Oh I'm so sorry."
"Don't be, it made me realize how much I wanted to help people."
"Hence, the doctor." I gestured toward him and his white coat, "Well, welcome to Westbrook Medical."
"Thanks," He smiled with pride.
"How long have you been back?"
"About two months now, it took some time to readjust to the area after having left it for so long. Though I got to say, not much has changed. Thankfully, I kept in touch with Ryan throughout the years so he kept me updated on everything that was happening. Well, anything that was worth mentioning." Anything worth mentioning? My chest tightened for a moment at the thought of us not talking for two years being worth mentioning material. "I'm surprised Ryan didn't tell you I was starting today." I nodded at him coming to the conclusion of why Ryan wouldn't have let me know.
We just started talking again.
My husband is a cheating bastard
Hence my original worry about Mason knowing something. I couldn't keep the evident uncomfortability and awkwardness out of my tone, "I've been rather preoccupied." All the crap that had happened these last few weeks was flooding back. Mason must have noticed the look on my face, "Hey, you okay?".
"She's fine." Hands appeared on my shoulders and turned out to be Lori with a cleaned face but still damp looking. "We're late for rounds so... "
"Of course." Mason seemed standoffish, "Well it was nice to see you again."
"Same here." I went to leave with Lori until something clicked in my head, "Oh and the pediatrics wing is on the fourth floor. Just take the green elevators down the hall, get off at the second floor, make a left and then take the blue elevators up."
He smiled, "Thanks."
Lori handed me a towel and I began to ring out my hair as we walked away. We were approaching the front desk, I grabbed two of the patient charts and began walking to their respective rooms.
Footsteps followed me and she spoke right before I entered the first room, "Look."
"Don't. Okay?" She nodded back to me, "I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. You are someone I should have told, probably better you than going running to my past. But the last thing I'm going to do is talk about it at work. I can't."
"Okay." Lori spoke with a sympathetic smile.
I nodded and directed her in the direction I was walking, "Let's get to rounds."
~~~~~~
Lori didn't bring up Jonathan again. The day went on as if her best friend's life wasn't crumbling from underneath her feet and I was grateful for it. Whether she knew it or not, Jonathan was always on my mind and talking about him was only going to make it worse. He was on my mind when a couple would come to the desk and ask about a loved one in recovery. Or if a spouse came in wanting to bring flowers to their significant other. It was the simple things that had him on my mind. Wondering if he would do the same. If he would make the same effort.
As I sat at my kitchen table looking at the time and reminiscing about the past, I couldn't help the urge that came over me as I looked at the bottle of scotch in the cabinet. The tapping of my foot was becoming faster the longer I stared at it.
It takes the pain away... and I can't handle the pain.
My better judgement got the best of me and I poured myself a drink. I opened my phone and scrolled through the voice messages and clicked on the ones I had been receiving since the moment he left, the ones I knew that would torture me the most.
I put the phone to my ear, brought the cup to my lips, and closed my eyes as the tears built up once again.
"Martha, baby...I miss you...I'm so sorry....I'm so sorry."