Don't date him.
Thanks a lot, Byul.
I gasped. My eyes shot open. I focused on the man in front of me, steadily breathing peacefully. His eyes were closed. He didn't move.
I let out a large breath, closing my eyes and trying to free myself of all the haze and the high; trying to get myself grounded.
Bad dreams. Not as extreme as those nightmares, but bad all the same.
I hated this; waking up at an ungodly hour with flashes and broken memories of something that never really happened, or did it? I've had dreams about Taehyung and Wheein, about Jin, about my family. None of them has ever really happened, hasn't it? But it can, right? It can happen, no matter how small the probability.
Jin shifted in his sleep, throwing an arm around me as he guided himself closer. His breath fanned my neck and the heat of his body was all over me. Any other time I would've pushed him away because, well... I'm not good with these things. But I could barely keep my thoughts straight because of the haze that doesn't exist. Jin seems unreal in my head. He's so close but I could barely register his presence.
Yoongi's words stayed like glue in my head. It's been a few weeks — three to be exact — since that last nightmare. Since the last call. Since "don't date him."
Well, he's got a point. And I swear I'd do it. What kind of girlfriend would I be if I didn't tell him anything about the most important part of my life? It's a dark part, but it's important. I can't run away from it anymore.
It's easier said than done. Throughout these three weeks, I had to endure awkward conversations and constant pressure from none other than myself. I don't know if Jin noticed it, but I think he did. He didn't ask about it though.
Why didn't he ask about it?
This afternoon was another one of those days. He had come to cook for me, again. We'd spend our time together, again. I tried to bring up the conversation, again. I failed, again.
He stirred beside me, and I closed my eyes shut. He can't know I woke up. He can't know I had a bad dream. He'd ask about it. And then I have to answer.
But aren't you trying to tell him?
"I know you're awake," he whispered in my ear. It sent shivers throughout my whole body, and I heard him giggle at my reaction.
I opened my eyes and faced him. His eyes were hooded, half asleep, and he had a stupid smile on his face. His hair was a mess and a faded trail of drool was on his cheek. But even then, he looked amazing.
He must've seen my expresion — whatever it is — because his smile faded and he frowned. "What's wrong?"
Tell him. Tell him. Tell him.
"I —" My throat blocked my voice, and the words are stuck in there. I shook my head.
You're such an idiot.
He brushed my hair, pulling me closer to him. "Bad dreams?"
I nodded. Technically, I wasn't lying. But that's not what bothered me.
His warmth engulfed me and we stayed like that for some time, with me in his arms, and his steady breathing calming me down. It's always like this, isn't it? I have some problems, and he's the one who took care of it. Didn't I want to get close to him because I wanted to help him? Why is he the one helping me now?
Because you're an idiot who can't even see her own problems.
I sighed, quite loudly. He must've felt it. I mean, of course he does. His body is literally in front of me.
"Can I know what it's about?" he asked, barely a whisper. His hand kept brushing my hair. I almost what to ask him how he knows how to do these things, but he's almost engaged. Of course he knew.
"I — it's — it's —" I sighed, desperate. I can't even form coherent words. "Stuff."
Pathetic.
"What kind of stuff?" his voice was still soft, patient. I don't understand how he's so patient.
About you, about my family, about whatever happened after Jaesung's death. Things that don't even exist. Things I shouldn't think about. Things that haunted me for more than 6 years.
"I don't —" I sighed. "I'm sorry."
I hate myself.
Jin pushed himself back, so that he could look at me. He was frowning, his face etched with confusion. "Why are you apologizing?"
"I don't know."
He chuckled, pressing his lips to my forehead. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay."
It's gonna be okay. Everything's going to be okay, right?
I wanted to believe it so bad.
"You know I love you, right?"
"I know," I answered.
"Byul." He stared at me, eyes no longer hooded. It pierced my soul, trying to break the wall I built. But even if he's the strongest man in the world, I don't think he can. I'm too afraid to leave myself open. "Do you trust me?"
If you can't trust him, don't date him.
"Yes."
Liar.
He gave me a small smile, before pressing his lips to mine. His hands circled around me, tracing invisible patterns on my back. And even with clothes on, his fingers burned my skin. I shivered, and it's not from the cold.
I reached up to touch his chest. His heartbeat was quick under my palm. It's nice to know he's equally as nervous as I am. Or is he?
We separated, breathless. I shivered under his gaze. It was burning — almost too hot to look at, but I can't seem to look away. Inside of them, I saw something — something I haven't seen in his eyes. I've picked up hints of it; a flash before he hid it. But I can see it clearly now.
He wants me.
I swallowed, licking my dry lips. His eyes flickered towards it, but it was too quick that if I hadn't been paying attention I would've missed it.
His hand went up to brush away my hair and circled it behind my ear. "Byul..."
I let out a ragged breath. The touch of his fingers sent burns to my skin and I didn't want it to end.
"I love you."
My mouth parted. Was I supposed to reply? What am i supposed to say?
His thumb traced my lips. "May I...?" He swallowed.
I gave him a subtle nod and he kissed me once again.
It was different this time, much less control and much more passion. His lips were sloppy on mine, and his hands couldn't settle for one spot. It traveled everywhere, leaving traces of fire on my skin. The clothes didn't help.
My hands went to his hair, pulling, tugging, doing whatever it wanted. He let out a low groan.
His lips left mine, tracing kisses to the outlines of my jaw. I sighed. His kisses felt like fire, and it left me wanting more.
I love you.
He found a spot on my neck, somewhere under the ear and nipped on the skin. I gasped, clawing his back and pulling on his shirt. I hear another groan, and another bite.
But, do I love him back?
He was on top of me in no time, his wide shoulders framing my smaller one. And I never felt more safe.
Do I love him?
"Jin..." I managed.
He let out something between a growl and a hum.
My heart pounded at my chest, trying to burst out.
Do you love him?
"What is it?" His voice was thick with arousal and low, unlike his usual self.
I do. I do love him.
I breathed. "I love you."
He stopped kissing me and propped himself on both his arms. He stared it me, a look filled with lust and something more.
Love.
He gave me a sloppy smile. "I love you too."
I replied his smile, reaching out to touch his jaw. He's beautiful. There's no other way to define how he looks. He is just simply beautiful.
"Byul," he whispered, breathless, "you know you don't have to force yourself to do this, right? It's okay if you don't want to."
If I don't want to?
I shook my head. "I do."
Do you really?
"Are you sure?"
Don't bother having one if you're not even capable of handling it.
Am I capable?
"Yes."
Liar.
—❦—
kekekekekekek
that's all i'm gonna say. bye kids.
till next wednesday
-w.