I stared at the building I call home; its blackened walls, the moss and the dirt sticking into its surface. Crowebs had creeped into its small gaps and as I face it, I can hardly recognize my own home.
It wasn't supposed to be worn down or dirty or unused. My family still lived there. Why does it look like they're all gone?
I stepped in, hearing the door creaking and smelling the thick dust. Everything was grey. Crowebs decorated its edges and the ceilings. I traced my hand over the back of the sofa, looking at my palm soon after. It was pitch black.
The sofa's cushion was in pieces. It looked like it was ripped by claws. On its gaps were worn out leather collars. The collars of my dogs.
Insects made their nests in every possible surface; the table, the small gap behind cupboards, under the sofa, the cracks in the walls. Something crawled under my skin, and I shuddered. They're everywhere.
The haze came back.
I called out for someone, for anyone. All I got in return was an echo. And then silence. Too silent.
I searched the room. The haze kept on blurring my vision. I squinted, trying to be free of the haze.
I reached the backyard. It was the same shade of gray and eeriness. The grass had turned gray. The tree my family took care of was dead and black, dry to its bone. Three figures lay in the middle of all the grayness.
They're my dogs.
But instead of their usual lively selves they lay motionless on the ground. The grass pierced their skin, and I could see a different color; red. The color of blood.
Their fur had turned grey, no longer bright chocolate. The white seems to be dirty and they looked less like dogs. They look like little monsters.
"Byul?"
The voice echoed in my head and all over the room. I turned to see my little sister. She was pale, and rather hollow. Her face was colorless and her lips blue. Rash and dirt covered her skin. Her eyes look dead.
She was smiling.
"Yeosol?" my voice came out weaker than I wanted. I'm not even sure it reached her.
Her smile grew wider. The hairs on the back of my neck stood. I took a step back. "Why are you here?"
Her voice was steady, silky, beautiful. Too beautiful to be alive. If it weren't for how she looks, I would've thought she really was. But other than her beautiful voice, she looks like a walking zombie.
Why am I here?
"I came to visit."
The air stilled. She took a step forward. "Now? Why now?"
"I —"
"Why now? Why not last week? Last month? Why now?" The silkiness and beauty in her voice faded. Anger and hatred replaced it. It echoed throughout the whole room and inside my head, banging my skull as if trying to break out. "Why did you visit just now when you could've done that before? Why did you leave?"
Leave? When did I leave them?
She laughed, a sound so unlike my sister it paralyzed me. I couldn't move. "It's your boyfriend isn't it? Feels good to have one, right?"
Boyfriend? What boyfriend —
Jin.
Or was it Jaesung?
She scoffed. "Are you even capable." It seemed like she wanted to mumble, but her voice became deep, it sounded like a growl. She looked at me, her eyes piercing mine. "You can't even keep the last one. He died because of you, didn't he?"
Died because of me.
No, that's not true. That's not true. It can't be true. I didn't mean to. No no no no —
"Thanks to you, I can't date. Seulgi had to take her masters degree and kept her relationship a secret. Because of you we're all paranoid."
Thanks a lot, Byul.
—❦—
I sat up. My breathing was ragged and uneven. Sweat poured down the sides of my face. The image of Yeosol's face stayed on my mind. I blinked it away. But the darkness — the greyness was etched on to my brain, to my skin, to every cell moving inside my body. It wasn't just the dream.
I heard the beeping of the phone. It was then that I realized I had called someone.
My hand was holding my phone in my ear, the other one was clutching the sheets tightly — too tight. I know I'm scared and unstable, but was it really necessary to make the call?
Before I could turn it off I heard a click, and the line was connected.
"What are you doing?" I heard a female in the background, far from the phone. I frowned. She didn't sound so happy. But if I were her, I wouldn't either.
Maybe this is a bad idea.
"Byul? What's wrong?"
Some rustling and some more of the female's complaints. I pursed my lips. I shouldn't have called.
"Byul?" I heard a door closing, and all the complaints stopped. "Are you there?"
I sighed, still breathless from my nightmare. The female's voice might have woken me up from my shock, but it didn't help with the aftermath. "Yeah. Who was that?"
"Uh..." I heard him click his tongue. "No one important."
"Are you having another one —"
"Byul, that's not important right now. Why did you call?"
"I, uh..." I pursed my lips, unable to answer. Maybe it was the seriousness in his voice. He had always been a serious person, not someone who would play around and tease me — or anyone, when it's unnecessary. But the way he asked just now was different. It was the tone he used when I was sick.
I sighed. "I had a nightmare."
He hummed. "What about?"
"About... stuff." Yeosol, my dogs, and stuff I don't understand about. I figured if I did tell him everything, it would be a waste of his precious time. I can't even understand anything and he's in the middle of something important.
I waited for a question, or any kind of response, but he didn't. He stayed silent. It was unnerving.
"Yoongi, say something."
"How frequent is it?" I couldn't decipher his tone. It was flat, emotionless, as if he's holding back whatever he's feeling right now.
"Not much?" It wasn't supposed to be a question. It was supposed to be a strong, definite answer. But I know I've done something I shouldn't have. And that's hiding things — something I'm rather fond of doing recently.
"You didn't tell anyone?" He said it through gritted teeth and tense jaws. He's angry. But at who? At me, or at him?
I sighed, staring at my fingers in guilt — though he's not even capable of seeing me. "I told Jin the first time it happened."
"Then why are you calling me?" He's angry at me.
I knew it. I shouldn't have called.
"Byul, what am I to you?" he asked, calmer this time. But what should have been relief turned into fear. Something's going to happen. Yoongi isn't someone who could change moods so easily. And not when he's angry.
"You're..." I hesitated. The logical answer would be a friend, but are we really friends? Are we acquaintances? Co-workers? No, we couldn't be co-workers. We're not even in the same company.
"Byul," He called, much louder this time, "what am I to you?"
"You —" He's demanding an answer. But I can't. I don't know the answer.
"Byul!"
"A friend! You're a friend." I blurted. I wasn't sure of it, but it should be correct, right?"
"Correct." He breathed out. "And who's your boyfriend?"
I swallowed. "Seokjin."
"Then why are you calling me?" I heard another sigh. "Did you even tell him anything?"
I did. Of course I did. I told him a lot of things, but I got the feeling Yoongi was talking about one specific subject.
What happened after Jaesung's death.
"I don't think so," he continued. "Look, I don't care if you want a relationship. I don't care who you want to date, or what kind of person he is. Heck, I don't care if he's a guy or a girl or what ever fucking gender he is." He heaved a deep sigh. "But don't bother having one if you're not even capable of handling it."
I scoffed and rolled my eyes. "Why are you giving this advice again? You can't even have a proper relationship —"
"At least I don't deny it." His voice was stern, not giving me a chance to argue. "I'm serious, Byul. Don't call me. He's your boyfriend, tell him. But, more importantly, trust him."
My breathing had returned to normal and I'm no longer restless. The image of Yeosol was still etched on my mind, but it didn't bother me anymore. The grayness and the eerie feeling of death left my body, and I'm back in my room. Fully grounded, fully aware, fully awake.
"If you can't trust him, then don't date him."
—❦—
sorry for the inactiveness during the past week. projects and classes piled up and i didn't manage to write. BUT. i planed on releasing an extra chapter some time around. i'm working on in right now, so you can expect later this day or tomorrow (idk if it's already tomorrow in your timezone but it about 12 at noon right now so tomorrow here is about 12 hours or more.)
anyway, thank you for all your support. i am blessed. don't forget to comment on your thoughts. and if you find any mistakes, don't be afraid to tell me.
till next wednesday
-w.