Sleep deprivation wasn't something I never experienced, but it's been such a long time that I forgot what I should do when it happens. I yawned the whole day. There wasn't a single ten minutes that I didn't yawn. To make things worse, I can't concentrate on anything.
Jin and I returned at about three in the morning, and I couldn't exactly sleep for about a half hour after that. It was nearly four when I took my rest and two hours after that my alarm went off.
And speaking of last night...
The whole experience was still fresh in my memory, regardless of how hard I try to erase it from my brain. The night sky, the look on his eyes, his smile, and his lips. I could still hear the sound of the river, and feel his hands around my waist.
"Byul?"
I jerked my head up, blinking away the memories. Hanna was leaning over my cubicle, a frown on her face.
"Are you okay?" She asked.
"I'm absolutely fine, Hanna. What is it?"
Hanna pointed to my computer, seeing the single paragraph I've written. "You've been doing nothing for the past thirty minutes."
I sighed, giving myself a mental slap on the face. I should be writing the transcript, but like Hanna said, I haven't been doing anything for the past... wait, thirty minutes? Have I been daydreaming that long?
"Byul?"
I sharply inhaled, taken aback by her voice. "Yeah?" I turned my head towards her, not even bothering to hide my surprise. "And before you ask me if I'm okay, I am. I'm just a little sleepy — a lot sleepy, actually. But, nevermind."
She took another glance at my computer, but quickly focused her attention to me. "Seulgi invited me and Chaeyoung and a few others to eat right after work hours. You wanna come?"
"Where did she...?"
"That cheap barbeque just around the corner of the street," she answered. "And if you're worried about getting wasted, Seulgi promised she won't force any of us to drink."
I slowly nodded. "Alright."
Hanna gave me a reassuring smile, stealing another glance at my computer and left. Putting on my earphones, I tried to concentrate on my job. It was harder said than done, as every ten minutes my mind would go elsewhere, but after two whole hours I finally finished it.
Six o'clock came faster than expected, considering how slow I was working. Seulgi came to get me while talking about some guy her young friend is close with, or in her words, helping me pack my stuff.
"I mean, she's still twenty. That's far too young to have any boyfriend."
I slung my bag over my shoulder, walking out of the office with Seulgi beside me. "She's not even dating and you're like this."
She stared at me in disbelief. "I'm worried, okay? Just like I'm worried of you and that boy we talked about at the bar. How are you guys, by the way?"
"We're —" The image of Jin's smile flashed through my mind. "We're fine. Great, actually."
Seulgi gave me a side smirk, getting into the elevator just after I did. The doors closed, and we traveled down. "You're not spilling the details."
"And I'm not about to."
The elevator doors opened with a ding, and we stepped out. Seulgi was still smirking at me as we travelled to the lobby. Out of all the annoying things she did, her smirk is perhaps the only thing I wish to delete from the world. It's beyond annoying. And at this moment, it's awfully irritating.
We waited for Hanna's car, looking into the distance in search of any vehicles. It's ironic how Hanna is the only one who has a car, and she's younger than us.
A familiar black car appeared in the distance, turning its wheels to our direction. I squinted my eyes, trying to spot the plate number. It looks just like the car I sat on last night.
Seulgi frowned. "Is that her?"
I shook my head. "I don't think so."
She sighed, shifting her weight from one feet to another, taking her attention away from the car, into something just opposite of it. But the car stopped right in front of us, and Seulgi had to focus her attention back.
"Good afternoon, ladies."
And he couldn't tell me beforehand.
Seulgi's eyes shot up at the sight of Kim Seokjin. She had to shake her head to bring back her conscience back to the world, and I rolled my eyes.
"If I may borrow your friend this afternoon, Ms...?" Jin raised his eyebrows at her.
I place both hands on my hips. "No, you can't borrow me. I'm having dinner with Seulgi —"
"Yes, yes you can." She pushed me towards his car, smirking as she walked away from me, giggling. "Have fun, Byul!"
I turned to Jin, a frown on my face. "You can't just steal me away like that."
"I just did." He nodded to the seat beside him. "Hop in."
—❦—
I opened the door of my apartment, smelling the familiar scent of the place I call home. Jin followed closely, carrying a lunchbox in his hand. I mentaly cursed myself for not tidying the place. It looks like a sinking ship.
Jin took out his lunchbox, putting it on the kitchen table. I washed myself, clearing all the load from the busy and unproductive work hours. Today might be the day I do the most minimal work in the history of my career. All that thanks to the guy that brought me food. If it wasn't for the food I'd never let him inside. He occupies too much of my brain, it's getting unhealthy.
But as much as I like to deny whatever it is I felt for him, the sight of his figure in my apartment brought a smile to my lips, one I didn't even realize — at least not before my thoughts fell back to the ground and I notice my stupid face.
"What are you making?" I leaned over my kitchen counter, watching him expertly stir the fried rice.
Yes, I know what he's doing but a little chit chat wouldn't hurt.
"Kimchi fried rice. I'm re-heating it." He took a brief look at me, giving me a small smile and turned back to cooking. "Because you like kimchi so much."
"Just because I like it doesn't mean it's the only thing I eat."
"Well, it looks like it because everytime we go out together you'll order some kimchi." Jin turned off the stove, and placed the hot fried rice on a plate. He handed it to me. "Here you go," he says as he placed a small kiss on my cheek.
I stood there frozen, holding my plate with one hand, staring at the empty space that was once Jin. Shaking my head, I tried to release myself from the shock, and awkwardly walked into my desk to eat. Jin was laughing silently, but even if he wasn't making any noise, I could hear it in my head.
I swallowed a spoonful of the fried rice, ignoring Jin's echoing laugh in my head. He took out his phone, focusing his attention on that instead of me.
The minutes passed by as I ate, and we stayed oddly silent. It wasn't the kind of silence that's awkward, more like a silence we both appreciate. Like an agreement to keep the noise to a minimal, just so that we can enjoy the time we have together.
I leaned back on my chair as I chewed on the last spoon of fried rice, happy with the taste. Jin really knows how to cook. Maybe I should try cooking...
Nah. I'll just take takeaways. Besides, what's the point of having a friend who can cook?
Friend. Are we really friends? Or are we something else? All this time I've labeled Jin as a friend, nothing more. But the... the thing we did last night proved that we're not just friends, we're more than that. Or was it just me?
"Byul?"
I whipped my head around, finding Jin sitting on my bed, looking into the window outside. "What is it?" The way he said my name sent a flutter to my chest, spreading to the ends of my body. It's a weird feeling, one I'm not familiar with, but I like it.
He turned to me. "I just..." He sighed. "Never mind."
I pursed my lips, debating whether I should press him further or not. Choosing the latter, I stood up and dropped my plate to the sink. When I turn around, I'm faced with a tall figure.
I gasped, taking a step back.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you." Jin scratched the back of his neck, eyes wandering everywhere but me.
"Okay." I nodded, staring at the ground. We were closer than necessary, and as much as I wanted to pull away, I'm frozen in my spot.
Jin sighed, his breath reaching my face, making me look up. My eyes met his. The intensity of his gaze made my heartbeat quicken, and I struggle to control my breathing. He brushed a stray hair behind my ear, and his hand stayed there.
He leaned down. "Can I...?"
"Yeah."
His lips met mine, sure and passionate, almost desperate. I closed my eyes and put my arms around his shoulders, savoring as much of him as possible. His other hand made its way to my waist, pulling me closer to him until there was nothing between us.
His lips moved expertly, like he's been doing it for years, but then again, he has. He's been doing it with his ex-girlfriend for over five years, and it shows in the way he bit my lip teasingly, at how his tongue danced over my bottom lip and how his hand traced tiny circles, burning my skin beneath the thin layer of fabric.
I gasped, pushing him away to try and catch my breath. My thoughts were jumbled all over, and my vision hazed.
Haze.
Before I could control anything my mind went back to the nightmare, and it woke me from the temporary dream.
I wriggled free from his arms, remembering my worries as I distance myself from him.
"What's wrong?" Jin asked, his breath still ragged.
"Nothing, just..." I took a large breath, controlling my breathless self. "Quick question. Are we, you know... A relationship?"
"If you want to?" He blinked, taking a step forward, closing our proximity once more. "Do you want to?"
I breathed out a smile. "Yeah."
—❦—
I stood on a bridge. The cold air pierced my skin like tiny needles. I shivered, bringing both hands to protect my arms from the sharp chill of the invisible blades. The fog blurred my vision. I struggled to look what's ahead of me.
Jin leaned at the edge of the bridge, staring into the river below us. I followed him, looking down into the darkness. The water wasn't black, it was red. Deep red, flowing endlessly into the abyss ahead of us.
Jin turned towards me. He was paler than usual, and his eyebags were too black to be normal. "Are you cold?"
I gave him a nod, and he proceeded to take off his coat, putting it around me. But even under all that fabric, the cold still pains me.
I brushed my fingers against the metal surface of the bridge. A sharp pain coursed through my fingers. I turned my hand around and found blood flowing down to the palm of my hand.
"Oh, you're hurt." Jin took my hand in his and brushed away the blood with a towel. But it didn't stop. My blood flowed endlessly from my finger, turning the pure white fabric into a shade of crimson. It soaked the towel, and blood dripped from it.
I breathed in a sharp intake of breath, and regretted it soon after. The air felt like small sharp dust. It scars my throat with every inhale. I bent down, coughing out as much as I could.
"Byul? Are you okay?" Jin's voice sounded close, far too close, as if he's inside my head.
"I can't breathe," I managed to say. I looked up, expecting Jin right beside me, but he wasn't. He was standing in the distance, and he wasn't even looking at me.
He's looking down. He's standing over the edge.
"Jin!" I called, walking over to him.
His lips turned up into a small smile, and a single tear of blood traveled down from his eye. He leaned over, closing his eyes.
I ran, but I couldn't get any closer to him. The bridge was extending with my every step, not letting me reach him. The air pierced my throat, but I ignored it. I can cough out blood for all I care, but I wouldn't let anything happen to him.
"Jin!" I called again, louder this time.
He took a large breath, and stretched both his arms wide. He let his body weight bring him down.
I screamed, reaching for him. I looked down. There he was, looking at the sky, covered in red liquid. His face was pale, much paler to be human.
A loud splashing took my attention, and I jerked my head to the right. Yongsun was waving her arms around, shouting for my help. Not far from her was Hoseok and Yoongi, yelling my name.
My eyes scanned the river, and everywhere, I see bodies. Bodies of people I know. Bodies of people I care for. Bodies of my friends, for everyone I ever loved.
"Byul! Help us!"
Their screams echoed in my skull, and I had to pull away. I crouched down, not wanting to look into the river of corpses below. But their voices stayed, and it grew louder and louder.
"Byul!"
—❦—
i shall entertain your eyes with this very long chapter.
what do you think of a dystopian story? i had this idea and i really wanna write it, tho i'm not sure if it'll be a mmm fanfic or bts or whichever group, or if it'll be a fanfic at all.
anyway, thank you so much for your support, glad that philophobia can entertain your quarantine days. don't forget to comment your thoughts!
till next wednesday
-w.