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A Star Wars OC by Grendel45
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Fandom: Star Wars
Full Name: Etrius (No last name)
Nickname: Flesh Junker (Tribal Rodians on Raxus Prime named him that)
[ What's he think of this name?]
Sexuality: Aesexual
Species: Mutated Human (grew up on Raxus Prime, so he can survive in Toxic Environments)
[ Who were his parents/creators? Has he faced any prejudice for not being purely human/near-human? What does he think of such?]
Gender: Male
Age: 24(died)
Appearance: dirty caucasian skin, riddled with burns and scabs. A very compact and small build, around five and a half feet. Wears patchwork armor fashioned from the junk and the skin of Rodians.
[ Think about his weight, facial features, eye colour as well as hair colour and style if he has hair I imagine he looks like a short unmasked Deadpool from such a description.]
Personality: Very savage, but not cruel. He is pragmatic and doesn't trust anybody. He is racists towards Rodians because they were all he knew.
[ Why doesn't he trust anybody? I reckon I can give it a good guess but I don't want to assume, readers shouldn't have to guess why a character is whatever way. I don't see how only knowing one thing would make you racists towards that one thing. Think about why he's racist towards Rodians? In what ways is his racist? Is he trying to change this?]
He can speak basic, but it's broken and often annoys those who try to communicate with him.
[ Does it bother him that he can't communicate as effectively as others?]
He is wary, but friendly towards humans unless they prove a threat. He is neutral towards other races. He prefers isolation, and often uses gruesome signs, be it effigys, or his own bodily fluids to mark territory. It's also used as a warning sign to keep others away.
[ You'll need to add more to his personality as it's on the vague. Why does he prefer to be isolated? Why is he wary? Why is his friendly to humans?]
Strengths: Agile(near jedi level), can't get poisoned, and his body can resist blaster bolts and can even be grazed by lightsabers. Excellent tracker, and can use crude weapons and blasters. Is able to set traps. Can also pilot Rodian cruisers on Raxus Prime. Can fend off and decimate small armies and camps on Raxus Prime.
Weaknesses: Even though he can resist lightsabers, he can still be killed easily by them. The Jedi or Sith using it just has to put a tiny bit more effort into killing him. He is susceptible to Jedi Mind tricks, and the force in general. Straight up duels isn't his strong suit. If put in an environment unlike Raxus Prime, he would most likely die in a week. Is easily susceptible to ambushes. Since he is the one doing the ambushing usually.
Skills: Hacker, Trapmaster, Naturally Proficient in crude weapons and blasters, adaptable but will most likely die on another planet unless someone teaches him, and multi man killer.
[ Where and why did he develop such skills. Saying he developed them to survive is fine, something is better than nothing.]
Ultimate: Imperial Records suggest that Starkiller defeated and murdered him on Raxus Prime. On his way to Kazadan Paratus. Though it is unconfirmed.
[ Aka. He's still kicking around. Why was he on his way to Kazadan Paratus? What was his childhood like? Anything eventful happen in his life before allegedly getting killed by Starkiller. Does he have any connections to anyone? Any friends? Enemies? Co-worker junkers? A volleyball with a face on it that be calls friend? Anything?]
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Etrius is rather vague, I think he could do with his, appearance, personality, relationships and backstory having a look at. Think about what he thinks of his nickname, about being a mutated human rather than a 'pure' one [I guess] and if he gets any shit for being mutated. For his personality have a think about his weight, facials features, eye colour, hair colour and so on. His personality is somewhat contradictory, he's meant to be savage yet still appears to be somewhat civilised in the remainder of his personality. He's savage yet not cruel which seems unlikely as those two words are often one and the same. Have a think about why he doesn't trust anyone and why he's racist towards Rodians? 'They were all he knew' isn't a great reason, however, being racist towards them because he thought all Rodians were bounty hunters like all the ones he had met previously, seems to me to be a more fulfilling reason. Does his struggle with language annoy him as well as others? Why is he friendly towards humans and neutral to other species. His personality just needs another, there's nothing I can find that makes me relate to Etrius, therefore, I'm struggling to care about his personality. In my opinion, the most interesting thing about him, him being feral, is taken away by him seemingly being civilised and not actually savage.
On the plus side, his strengths, weaknesses and skills are sound, you could talk about how, when and why he learned which skill but that's just something extra if you fancied. The backstory could do with some work, think about what his life was like growing up and such. All in all, he just needs a little work but is by no means a 'bad character'.
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[These are just my thoughts and suggestions, you by no means have to do or take note of any of these.]
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'Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-lam). Whoa, Black Betty (Bam-ba-lam).'
- Ram Jam, Black Betty.
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Thank you to Grendel45 for submitting Etrius, it's been a pleasure reviewing him!
If you have any questions or queries about this review or require any help with this or any future OC just drop me a message, I'd be happy to help any way I can.
-=- ISAAC -=-