"A lot of therapy has happened, and a lot of understanding and growth. Sometimes you have to go through all this shit to get your grips on life and figure out what the next boundaries in your love life are going to be. You have to go through the mud in order to find that peaceful place. In the long run, it was necessary for me to have more of a teammate." Katy Perry about her relationship with Russell Brand.
-
Ever since that night she had that horrible fight with Perrie, Jade has been finding it incredibly difficult to sleep. Once again, she is lying in her bed, and replays that scene in her mind. Regardless of anything else, she wants Perrie to be happy, and she doesn't think true happiness can last without health and safety. However, Jade reminds herself that not once did Perrie ask for her help. She wanted a partner, someone who is brave enough to face the struggles of life with her, not a saviour. While Jade cares about Perrie's well being, after a week of not talking to Perrie at all, she accepts that it is not her role to fix Perrie's life. Even though that feels wrong and lazy, she is willing to do try to get used to that, if that means she's going to have Perrie with her. Just like a routine, she reaches for her phone and starts typing out an over emotional text to Perrie, then deletes it and tries rewording it, and then just types in an impersonal question about how she's doing, and almost hits send, but she doesn't.
Instead, she puts her phone down, and tries to close her eyes, but anxiety creeps in again. She checks her phone one more time, makes sure her alarm is set for tomorrow, then puts it back on the nightstand. Like every night, this is when she tries her hardest to fall asleep, but every noise makes her heart race in her chest and everything has a negative affect on her. The sound of cars driving down the street, people chattering, these are all keeping her alert. Jade is absolutely sure she is imagining it when it sounds like the elevator in the building opens at her floor. It's quiet, so every little movement can be heard, and since she doesn't remember inviting anyone to her house, this is getting a bit scary. She picks her phone back up and turns on the flashlight when a very quiet knock on the door is heard, so gentle it's almost unnoticeable. She always double checks if the door is locked before she goes to bed, so she doesn't grab anything but her phone when she makes her way there. She looks through the peephole with tired eyes, and is shocked to see Perrie awkwardly standing there.
A wave of emotions washes over Jade, and it's almost impossible twisting the key in order to unlock the door. She missed Perrie like crazy and genuinely didn't know if Perrie wanted to speak to her again, so seeing her is a huge relief. At the same time, though, everything about this situation is alarming. Why would Perrie show up at her door like that, in the middle of the night? It must be bad, Jade knows it. She unlocks the door and can't help the honest smile on her face as she sees Perrie standing right in front of her, and is extremely relieved when Perrie pulls her into a hug. It's like for one moment, she can forget about all her fears and worries, and about the terrifying questions that the future holds. For as long as Perrie holds her, she is in her arms and nothing more.
"I'm sorry about what I said that night. I just want what's best for you, but I trust you in making this kind of decisions on your own," Jade whispers into Perrie's ear as they continue holding onto each other. She doesn't really want to apologize, but there is nothing she wants more than to make things with Perrie right again. They have always found each other's touch immensely comforting, and it is exactly what they both need. It's a private moment between the two of them. Not only because Alex is waiting outside in the car, and there is no one there who physically watches them. This moment is private because it is real and honest in the way that they could not explain to anyone else. It's like everything they have been through, the highs and the lows, the flirting and the fighting, every piece of history they have is condensed into right this minute.
"Don't say that," Perrie says when she finally pulls away in order to look into Jade's eyes. "You were right. It's an issue. And I'm sorry for how I reacted. I came by to make sure you and I are okay before I leave."
"You're leaving?" Jade asks, and she is completely aware of the fact no matter how much she wants to, she is incapable of hiding the panic in her voice. Perrie and her might have this unstable, on and off, unclear relationship, but Perrie still means so much to her. Jade doesn't want to live in a world where Perrie isn't right next to her.
"For rehab," Perrie replies with half a smile. "I will be back though, I promise. I just need to drop some some old habits, you know," she continues, and soon enough, Jade and her are both excited and satisfied. Jade knows that regardless of how things are going to turn out between Perrie and her, she had made a real positive impact on Perrie's life, and nothing compares to this feeling of fulfillment.
"Do you have time to come in?" Jade asks. She is so proud of Perrie for taking that step, but at the same time, not ready to let her go just yet.
"Of course, I'll just let Alex know it will be a little longer because he's waiting outside in the car," Perrie tells Jade. She pulls out her phone and texts Alex, then follows Jade into her house. It's not the first time Perrie has been here, but the cozy apartment is still just as charming. She loves watching Jade move in the space, seeing how comfortable she is in it. Perrie is slightly jealous, in the best way possible, of how natural it is for Jade to be at her own home and not need anyone's attention in order to validate every action she makes. She makes them both tea, and gently hands Perrie a cup. For a moment, she awkwardly waits, not sure whether to sit right next to Perrie or on the sofa opposite of her. As much as she has missed Perrie, their last encounter wasn't something Jade can forget just like that. However, Perrie eases the tension by silently telling Jade to come sit next to her, and Jade does so.
"So," Jade begins, not fully knowing where she wants to take this. "I'm really proud of you, you know?"
"Thank you," Perrie answers in a shy tone. For now, she wants to let Jade speak, because she can tell that Jade has something to say.
"Can I come visit you while you're there?" Jade requests, and tightens her grip on the cup in an attempt to relieve some stress.
"Do you want to?" Perrie's eyes light up, and Jade is deeply touched. Her heart breaks at the thought of Perrie not feeling like Jade would like to see her.
"Of course I do," Jade assures her, and Perrie promises to have her mom text Jade all the details about where she will be staying and when will visits be allowed. "And Pez?"
"Yeah?" Perrie replies, and by seeing how nervous Jade seems, she figures that Jade is about to talk about the one thing she has been hesitant about, whatever it is.
"I know you said you will be back, and I trust you, I really do. But everything has been so unstable and I just need to know that no matter what happens, we have each other. And it might not be such a big deal to you as it is for me, and I understand that, but I hope you get where I'm coming from." Jade is rambling at this point, unconsciously trying to avoid the words she wants to say. Perrie can read her body language, and she puts down the mug she is holding and places her hand on Jade's hand instead. She squeezes it for a moment as a way of assuring Jade that it's okay and encouraging her to keep talking. This touch, and how Perrie's blue eyes look so fondly and patiently at Jade make Jade feel safe, and like no matter what she says, Perrie is going to embrace that. It is exactly what she needs in order to get the words out. "Would you like to be my girlfriend?"
"Yes," Perrie is quick to reply with a shining smile. She leans in and kisses Jade's lips, and just like that, everything is finally beginning to fall into place. A few moments later, Perrie remembers that the reason she had came here in the first place was to say goodbye, and actually has to leave. She tells Jade that, and they both walk towards the front door. Perrie can easily seal the meeting with a loving kiss on Jade's lips, but she doesn't want to. She wishes she could stay, but since that is not possible, all she asks for is bit more time with Jade. When she is with her, every moment is too dear to let go of.
"I want to go there, but I also like, really really don't want to leave right now," she tells Jade, who completely understands how she is feeling.
"I know. But how about you come over and stay for a couple of nights when this is all over? And we'll just spend time together, because I missed you a lot and I'm going to miss you even more now," Jade proposes. She knows how important it is for Perrie to feel like she is something more than a void, rich celebrity, and a few days in Jade's average apartment must sound charming to her.
"I have something to look forward to, then," Perrie tells Jade and kisses her lips one more time. "I have to go now, but we'll talk soon, I know we will. I love you," she says. Jade took a lot of big steps tonight so she doesn't put any pressure on herself to say anything back. Instead, she pulls Perrie into a hug, and whispers in her ear about how proud she is of her, then promises to see her as soon as she can. Too soon, and with a bittersweet taste, Perrie is gone.