Author: Shraelyn
Reviewer: __Carrots__
Chapters Reviewed: Six
o First Impression:
Blurb wise:
The first line of your blurb is really good. I am invested from the that line itself. So good job.
But the next part of the blurb I believe is very what word do I use... jumpy?
You start by telling how a 100 years old betrayal affects the Steel family.But in the next sentence you talk about Owen's death and then the Haven and then Owen's death again.
Yes, yes. I know that the betrayal, Owen's death and Crystal appearing at The Haven and Owen's death again are connected events. But the way you have written the events out is not chronological. And it does, it really does put off the reader.
Now, the third paragraph starts with a "But", you might not sense it, but that "But" shows hesitance to us readers.
The whole first line actually. "But she never agreed to go to the Land Of Ruined Hopes." It's really not working. That land is called The Land Of Ruined Hopes because it ruins hopes and expectations. Above that, and primarily Crystal needs Owen back, when she agreed to that necessity, she agreed to everything. Every challenge, every danger, every monster and every land that ruin hopes, she agreed to all of it. So this line just shows unwillingness.
There is a grammatical error in the fourth paragraph of your blurb.
"And from there her journey in the Land Of Ruined Hopes..."
Should be changed to
"And from there, her journey to the Land Of Ruined Hopes begins."
And here, in the fourth paragraph, I really appreciate how you have used the terminologies of the species. I don't know what they are so immediate in the book, so I'm going to refer to them as species. I really like how you used Rampage and Tatvas. It makes us feel that everything in the book is factual. Even though fictional; factual.
(Side note: Notice how I used the semi colon here)
Shravani, what is a world of darkness, joy and buried secrets?
Ding!
It's our world.
So unless you were inspired by the The Land Of Ruined Hopes from dear Earth, then perhaps go for a different descriptive phrase?
Because that line is a bit evasive, I know you can do a better job at enhancing the description of the land your book revolves around.
And don't. Don't do it. Don't add Crystal's feelings for somebody and equal it to a hot mess.
Owen's life, every person's vengeance, all those things that happened eighty years ago, add it all with Crystal's crush and it's a hot mess.
No Shravani, no.
And the last line.
You can do better. I know your aim was to depict the seriousness and the monumnetalism of Crystal defeating Wind. That it's all or nothing.
Here, I'll give you a tip.
Never, never use "buts" in your blurb ever.
But. But. But, it's confusing. Why the but? Crystal has to do it, so why the but?
A but in writing is like a parent degrading their own child.
(Talk to self:
Wow, Zainab. When did you become this wise?)
Perhaps go for "When".
"When Crystal finally stands against Wind, representing not just her, not just her brother, not just her disparity, but the complete Haven, Crystal will finally have to unleash who she truly is.
This Battle with the Wind, cannot be lost."
You see what I did there? I showed why winning was so important, I didn't add a but and yet showed that there is a but. That there are consequences.
Cover wise:
Amazing cover. I love the design, I love the font, I love the theme. I absolutely love how its' a dark sky with stars and tints of pink flowers.
Random fact: Do you know pink flowers are symbolized for happiness and and often innocence and grace?
From my point of view, I love the adversity your cover provides.
Title wise:
The title to your book is how we remember your book, so if you want a memorable story you need a memorable name. And that is what your story name is, it's memorable.
The Land Ruined Hopes, man! That's one place I know I don't want to visit! ;)
o Storyline/ Plot:
The plot is strong and it holds an interesting element of mystery and fantasy. It's not cliche. Seriously , not one thing that I read in the six chapters of your book was cliche. Totally, your plot holds potential to be developed into an amazing novel.
The story-line is consistent throughout the six chapters, there's no deviation from that main focus, the conflict and the inciting incident.
But you already know this. You know how good your plot is so I don't have to tell you that. :)
o Character Development
Character development has proved to be your strength.
Whether it be with Dominic or Ben or the wife Evaline in the prologue.
Or whether it be with Crystal and Owen and their parents.
Or whether it be with Hunter and Peter and Samantha.
You lady, are the epitome of efficient character development.
Even with the few chapters that I have read, I can justify the characters and the reason as to why they do what they do. And this happens when the readers understand the characters, and when do the readers understand your characters? When you are good at Character development.
You are good at character development.
o Grammatical Errors and Typos:
Yes, there are a few typos and you can clear those out when you get to your editing task. Although, I wanted to mention that most wattpaders (including me) don't believe in the hassle of three story drafts and then finally getting into the editing businesses as the last step of book writing. And so we just go ahead and publish our first drafts editing our work by and by as we continue publishing each chapters.
That's one policy I think all Wattpad authors have in common, we write one chapter starting to end and then go back up to edit that whole chapter before publishing. The typos I found in your book wouldn't be easy to miss if the editing policy was to be followed. So yes, strengthen your editing policy.
Grammar was good. The parts which were grammatically incorrect , I have highlighted through the inline comments. Again, I don't think you have a problem with grammar, every body mixes their tenses up when they are in an excited state of writing. The problem, I think is the editing. You need to strengthen your editing.
o Writing Style:
Girl, do I even need to comment on your writing style?
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Alright, because this is a review, I need to. :D
But there is not much to say really. Every writer have their own customized style of writing and no author can judge another author's writing style.
From a reader's point of view though, girl I love your writing style!
It is the sort of writing that interest readers. Obviously you have done your research in mystery theme writing and have done a good job at it.
One thing that I'd like to mention here and which I know that you knew would make its way up here is the way how you leave almost everything for the readers to decode themselves.
Almost a lot of things that I should have known from reading the books, I was told by you through the comment section. Shravani, don't leave everything on the "later". Readers are merciless, if they don't understand what they are reading now, they will not wait for your later. They will stop.
And from an author's point of view, I don't blame readers.
Be a bit more explanatory, don't expect the readers to know what you mean instead accept that story telling is all about cooking , cooking in which the final product ( your chapters after your proofread and edit) should be such that the devourers don't question what you put in it.
I know what you're thinking. That your work is a piece of mystery and fantasy and that such genres always have a vibe of rawness around them. Not till this extent.
Have you read The Hunger Games trilogy, or the Divergent trilogy or The Maze Runner trilogy, or The Percy Jackson series or The Heroes Of Olympus series? I bet you have read some of them, I have too.
So you see, I do have experience in decoding rawness that these genres associate themselves with.
Lets take The Maze Runner Trilogy for instance, Thomas has no idea what is going on but through the whole book us readers always had the upper hand in having information. Give us that information.
You can always refer to books that fall in your dystopian/ mystery/fantasy genre to clear how the rawness element is inculcated.
___________
So that's it. That's my review.
If there are any further questions and suggestions please comment.
If you think that some parts of the review didn't stand up to your expectations, and also that you couldn't relate to the review and that you found it elusive, please let me know.
Zainab.
♡