"He was helping a group of children escape the orphanage that was being bombed."
"The kids had made it safely onto the refuge truck, but they took him before he could get on."
"His arm was merely hanging off by the nerves."
"Miraculously, they were all intact."
Sydney, Australia
Steve was finishing rubbing tanning lotion down your back when your gaze drifts over to Bucky and Ashlyn. Ashlyn was folding her towel and grabbing her sunglasses off the concrete ground of the pooling deck when you see Bucky unbuttoning his white dress shirt, revealing smooth skin.
You do a double-take as you take the lotion bottle from Steve. You realize this is the first time you've seen him without a shirt. He hadn't gone swimming in Montauk, so naturally, as a woman, you were a bit caught off guard by the manscape.
He was somewhat tan, his nipples significantly darker than the rest of his body, and it was obvious he worked out. He had subtle abs and toned arms that you never noticed before because they were always hidden under Henleys and plain shirts.
But that wasn't why you couldn't look away.
It was the rugged scars that started on his arm, just below his left shoulder.
They were deep, careless, spastic, and looked painful. You noticed him look down at it himself for a brief second as if wondering if he should put his shirt back on or not. He was self-conscious.
He quickly decided against it and sat down on the chair and grabbed his own sunscreen out of his backpack that sat on the floor between his feet.
You note another scar just below his armpit, it was deep and ran across towards the front of his chest but faded out just to the left of his nipple. As he sat back up, he involuntarily made eye contact with you, noticing your gaze on his scars. You were staring and he caught you. His eyes were emotionless as he stilled for a moment.
You felt the heat rise in your cheeks and you quickly looked away, ashamed.
You could feel his gaze still on you as you pretended to turn around to thank Steve for his help.
The moment passes and Bucky ends up laying on the chair for a bit, taking in a quick tan and some vitamin D while the other girls were on the poolside sipping their cocktails and giggling. You could hear the laughter through the air and the splashing of water.
You laid next to Steve who was also taking in some of the sun's rays. You didn't want to admit it out loud, but the truth was that you didn't want to admit that you were waiting for Bucky to leave so you could ask Steve the question that had been swirling in your head.
It takes about 45 minutes for that to finally happen. Ashlyn jumps out of the water and grabs onto his hand trying to drag Bucky in. She manages to pull him from his nap on the chair and to the pool.
You wait until he's out of ears length and with that you snap your head up from where it was resting on your crossed arms to look over at Steve. Before you can even get a word in he's already talking. His eyes are closed tight, a small damp white towel draped lightly over them, and his mouth is in a straight line.
"He got it in the war." He mumbles into the air. It was obvious that he was over relaxed and swaying in and out of a doze.
You gape at him, "What? How'd you-"
His eye remains closed and his feet are crossed at the ankles, his arms behind his head. He looked gorgeous as he laid tanning in the hot Aussie sun, taking all the glorious sunlight that the skies had to offer him.
"You were staring so hard, it was practically inappropriate." He says casually.
What? There's no way. You were trying so hard not to make it obvious. You feel your face turn a crimson shade once more.
"What? No, I wasn't." Your tone doesn't even convince yourself. Crap.
He smirks when your voice falters for a second, losing all confidence.
He pokes an eye at you, "Kidding. But everyone always wonders when they see it, I just figured that's where you were going."
You feel less embarrassed for a second, realizing by Steve's words that you weren't the only one who has stared and asked. In that second, you kind of felt bad for Bucky. Really, you hadn't meant to stare, but they just looked so painful. Who did that him? Did they always ask Steve since he was his best friend? Or did they usually ask Bucky?
You felt inappropriate asking Bucky himself. It just felt so personal like a violation of privacy.
"So...what happened?" You asked hesitantly. Did you want to know?
"I'm sure he can tell you the details himself. But basically, it's from when he was in Afghanistan."
You head bows down in shame.
Of course it is.
You should've known, how could you forget? You don't know why you didn't put two and two together. You knew he had been deployed years ago and you knew about how he had been lost in the desert and it took months to find him. But you distinctly remember them saying that he was fine and nothing bad happened to him- if anything, he was a huge hero for surviving without a scratch.
So you were very confused by it all.
You don't ask Steve any further questions and instead decided to ask Nat the next time you saw her.
Bucky sat at the edge of the pool with his back turned to you, his legs swaying in the cool chlorine water. After arguing with Ashlyn about not wanting to go in, she eventually gave up with a pout and let him be. He just wasn't in the mood to go swimming right now, he had a lot going on in his head.
It wasn't that he thought Ashlyn didn't love your parents. Of course she did. But you did have a point. There were a couple of things that you had said during your fight that kept him on edge. Did Ashlyn really not remember it was their anniversary? Did she really abandon you emotionally during your entire high school Career? What didn't he know?
That bag he saw in Ashlyn's office, his mother used to own one similar. He was just a little boy when he went with her to go get her own in London. It was a five thousand dollar bag at the time. Why did Ashlyn have one? He knew Ashlyn wasn't the kind of girl to care about stuff like that. Even if it was his father that bought one for her, that would be extremely out of line, it wasn't even near her pay rate.
He knew he was overthinking it, but he kept thinking about that damn bag.
But there was an even bigger thing that stood out to him that he just couldn't shake. He kept thinking it as he watched Ashlyn, Nat, and Wanda sip on their rum buckets and laughing out loud in the deeper end. Ashlyn threw her head back, a big smile on her face, her boobs bouncing as she chuckled.
Bucky smiled.
She was damn gorgeous and there wasn't a moment where he didn't want to suck on them- his smile falters - except for right then and there.
You had known who he was, you made that confession when you said you knew what happened to his mother. And yet somehow Ashlyn didn't know?
As if Ashlyn knew Bucky was thinking about her, she turned her head to face Bucky and she gave him a big smile. Bucky gave her a slight one back and a small wave. He didn't know how he would go about this. If he should ask her directly. But maybe he shouldn't even dwell on it, to begin with, Ashlyn wouldn't lie, she was perfect- an angel.
Instead, he could ask you.
He involuntarily rubs his left arm, his eyebrows shuffling together.
You had been staring at his scars. His ugly defying scars. He should be used it by now, its been years, but he wasn't.
You left the pool with Steve arm in arm (in a platonic way of course), laughing your asses off as you took funny selfies. You both had come to term with the current state of your relationship and you were both contents with whatever it was. He was a great friend, he always read you like a book, and he always knew the right things to say.
After the pool, you all went out to the yacht that would leave the Sidney bay at sunset.
The gust of the ocean felt amazing against your freshly burnt skin, the tase of curly fries still fresh on your tongue.
The girls were taking extra posed pictures to post on their Instagram while you sat with Steve, laid back with your feet up taking in the sway of the boat.
This love is like fire and ice
This love is like rain and blue skies
This love is like sun on the rise
the song played in the background.
You had looked up and seen Bucky holding Ashlyn from behind as they both stared into the Australian sunset. He wasn't shirtless anymore and instead now wore a white t-shirt.
Steve sat next to you and elbowed you playfully. You looked down and saw him offering you a burger slider which you gladly took with a big smile.
But you couldn't help but let your gaze drift up once more towards the happy couple, you smile sliding off your face. There was more to the picture than what everyone could see, you knew it the moment you saw his arm.
You felt pity and still not knowing what had happened to him bothered you.
You shook your head, trying to distract yourself with something else. You looked over at Steve with a smile, "You guys do this every year?"
"Actually, at least three times a year. For the end of summer, New years, and then right after July fourth."
You rolled your eyes with a chuckle, "Jeez, ya'll are extra."
Steve laughed as you both looked around the boat as it sped up even faster against the tide. The Sydney sun felt amazing on your skin. The laughter of your new friends, mixed with the smell of Chanel perfume with sea salt, barbecue, and maybe a shot of whiskey, left you with a feeling of content and enjoyment.
It was amazing.
This life was amazing.
"Admit it, you love it."
You bit your lip at how true his statement was. You couldn't believe you were enjoying this.
It was almost the like sound of the music went up in that moment and you got instant goosebumps upon your arm.
You saw your sister reach her hand out for you to stand up. You looked up at her with bright eyes and then you looked over at Bucky who was smiling and gesturing with his head for you to take her hand.
"I can't dance, Ashlyn! I need at least some alcohol first." Everyone chuckled and you saw Nat hand you a glass of something pink. You raised a brow at her.
"Take it, Y/N!"
Screw it.
You don't know what it was, all you knew was that it was delicious and the rest of the night was the most fun you had in years.
You didn't want it to end, but unfortunately, it had to at some time.
It was eleven pm and everyone else had already gone to bed except for you and Nat. Both of your hairs were pulled to the side from your late showers after scrubbing the chlorine and ocean water out of it.
You still couldn't believe you jumped off the side of the boat. You had never done that before.
Nat was giving you a smirk.
"You glowed in the Australian sun today, Y/N. You both get along well."
You smiled at Nat's words as you stared at her across the island.
You couldn't complain. You were getting used to this life - it was fun. It was crazy how much you were beginning to love your new friends, and you couldn't wait to be back New Years.
Your face falls as you remember what had happened earlier at the pool when you had seen Bucky take off his shirt. You look down and clear your throat.
"Nat I need to ask you something."
She gives you a questioning look.
"What's up?"
You weren't sure how to ask it, but then you realized that there just wasn't an easy way to ask it. You had to just ask it.
"At the pool today I noticed Bucky's arm, and I know it's probably something really personal and private but they look," You looked up to see her eyes lost in a trance as if you touched a really touchy subject. Shit.
"Like something really bad happened to him."
Nat looked around the permitters and then cleared her own throat.
"He doesn't really like to talk about it. Trust me if it's something he wants to tell you, he will himself when he is ready."
You understood that you did, but you couldn't help but overthink it all. Which is why you can't even stop the next phrase from leaving your mouth before it does.
"What happened in Afghanistan? He didn't just get lost did he?"
Nat gave you a hard look, it was almost angry and furious.
"Like I said, Y/N," her tone was stern, "he has to be the one to tell you."
You didn't mean to poke a nerve. You tried to justify yourself as much as possible.
"I just feel bad. Obviously, he was very hurt."
Nat got up from her stool, "Look I'm gonna get to bed. As I said, he will tell you. That's not my place."
You nodded shortly, "Okay. Thanks, Nat."
You didn't mean to make Nat upset. You sit there with your own thoughts for a few minutes taking in the conditions of which your life sat in this very moment.
You still couldn't believe any of it.
You smiled to yourself. In that instant, your phone dinged on the counter. You unlocked it to see a text from Steve.
Goodnight buddy
You bit your bottom lip as your smiled widened.
You see something in your peripheral vision and you almost jump up in surprise before you notice it's Bucky turning the corner from the hallway into the living area. He doesn't look so amused as he walks right past you and to the cupboard next to the fridge.
"Oh, hey. I didn't know you were up." You say nervously over the sound of cardboard and plastic shuffling. It was obvious he was trying to be obnoxious with his movements, nobody is that loud when messing through cardboard. Your eyes don't leave the corner in which he was just standing moments ago. You were screwed, did he hear you?
You look to your left to see him digging his arm into the box of Frosted Flakes. He glared at you.
He shrugs, his face still giving you a not amused look, "Been here for a while actually. Couldn't sleep. But didn't wanna interrupt, ya know, your little girl chat."
He wasn't sure why he was so upset. It wasn't just that he hated when people talked about him behind his back, but he especially didn't like it when it was out of pity. But especially you. He had no idea why you wanted to act as you cared. Or maybe it was because he didn't know how to react to someone caring that wasn't his long-time friends or family. Even Ashlyn, when she had seen them, she didn't pry too much. And he liked that.
It didn't bring back good memories if anything it was disrespectful.
He shoved another fist of dry cereal into his mouth as the realization hits your face. He had heard your conversation with Nat, it was so obvious.
You looked down, embarrassed.
"Bucky-"
He shrugged once more. It was clear he was trying to not look like it bothered him, but it was obvious it did.
He munched on his cereal loudly, still glaring at you.
"It's okay to be curious. It's just why?" He spats once more, "It's just, it's not really your business, ya know?" One more shrug.
You were momentarily caught off guard by his cold demeanor.
You cleared your throat and looked away from him, trying to hide your hurt expression
"I didn't mean to offend you, Bucky." Really, you hadn't. "I thought we were friends."
You get up from your seat and it's obvious that he thought you were about to walk out of that kitchen and not mention it ever again. That was his intention, but that's not what you do.
You walk up to him until you're standing right in front of him. He looks down at you, curious and taken aback by your brave action.
You narrowed your brows up at him, nothing but hard determination on your face. You didn't like when people put words in your mouth and you weren't going to now.
You saw right through his tough stance. You saw him visibly gulp at your stance, you didn't even blink.
"They looked painful." Your voice is serious and filled with emotion.
Your words and the way you said them, and the look you gave him while you said it, made him gulp once more.
"Yeah," he voice comes out in a broken whisper, "Yeah they were."
You look at his covered arm, "I understand that you don't want to tell me yet, I do," then you look back at his face, "But I hope that one day that opinion changes."
You wait there, searching his eyes for any answer, but they're blank. Just when you thought he was a friend you could easily read, you were proven wrong. You let out a long sigh and turn around to walk away from him.
You don't expect the hand that catches your arm before you walk away.
You looked down surprised by his move. You were so sure he wasn't going to say much else.
"Why are you so curious about me, Y/N?" His voice is broken and you noticed the tint of surprise and empathy in them. You wonder this, did no one ever show interest in his well being before?
The answer was simple.
"You're my friend, Bucky. I shouldn't be any different than all your other friends. I came to freakin Australian with you guys, and I'm the only one that knows nothing."
"It's not that I don't trust you. I don't like talking about it."
His heart fell as he watched disappointment make your shoulders slump.
"Y/N," His voice is a sad whisper and it makes you swallow hard, "You don't want to know, Y/N."
Your breathing picked up and your teeth clenched.
"I do."
And so he does. He tells you everything. He tells you about how he was captured and what they did to him while he was taken. Apparently, his only scars weren't just on his shoulder, but in other parts of his body too. He gives you excruciating details that make you shiver.
"It was a miracle they were able to salvage it," He blinks away the heat in his eyes as he plays with the cereal box in his hands, "When they found me it was hanging off by the nerves and some muscle. Took years of physical therapy to go back to somewhat some normality."
"If you want to read more they're all in a file locked in the tower, blocked by two guards. My parents didn't want the public to know. Something about ruining the Barnes image." He answers your question when he notices you frown. Your heart falls slightly at this statement. He sets the frosted flakes box between his legs, you were both now sitting across from each other on the kitchen floor, "Almost as if I was pathetic or something.
"Fuck," He throws his head back against the cabinet in disbelief, "I was their own child, ya know?"
You look sadly at him as he runs at hand through his hair. It was obvious why he didn't like talking about this.
"But you're not pathetic." You say simply.
He scoffs.
"I might not be pathetic, but I'm also certainly not a hero."
"Bucky, you survived months of pure human torture and look at where you are now." You gestured around you.
Bucky looks at you for a second in amazement. After all that and you still thought he wasn't pathetic? He looks at your hands fidgeting in your lap and for once in his life he decides to maybe accept that he could be a hero of some sort. He looks down at his own hands now and nods.
An overwhelming amount of terrible and sad emotions fill his heart. You notice as he takes a deep breath, soft tears on his water line.
"Bucky?"
You don't expect it to come out so softly, but it does.
His eyes snap to you and the look in them surprises you. It's filled with heartbreak and sorrow.
"You wanna know what I was doing before I was caught?" There are tears in his voice when he asks you angrily. But you knew he wasn't angry with you, he was angry at the situation, he was angry at whatever it was he was about to tell you.
"I was helping a group of Israeli children onto a school bus to escape the orphanage that was being bombed."
He shakes his head as he looks up at the ceiling, those events playing in the eyes of his mind.
His answer leaves you numb and with another feeling, you can't quite pinpoint. This man in front of you, he was nothing you thought he was. He had a heart of gold. You're speechless. Your heart hammers away inside of you as the many emotions flicker over his face.
He laughs painfully, "And you know what? Even though I laid there dying, bleeding out from all parts of my body, feeling the pain that no man should ever feel, I was happy," Wait, what? "I was happy because I was able to save everyone one of those little kids. I'm glad it was me and not them."
You feel the tips of your fingers tingle and your palms sweating. You wanted to snatch them off your lap and give him a hug. How could someone be so selfless, so unselfish?
This boy that sat in front of you - the one you thought was conceited, spoiled, and privileged- he was anything but.