THE HOTTEST BURN
•••
Bethany carried over a basket of onion rings and a fresh bottle of coke for Steven as he sat with Kelso at The Hub.
Fez rushed out of the bathroom and took his empty seat speaking with excitement, "You guys won't believe what I just heard in the ladies' bathroom."
After setting the order on the table, Bethany leaned her hand on the back of Steven's chair and rested her other hand on her hip,
"Fez, what were you doing in the ladies' bathroom?" She asked,
"Oh, spying, eating lunch, you know." Fez shrugged.
The blonde shook her head, "How many times do I have to tell you to stop doing that?"
"Tell us what you heard." Kelso pressured.
"I heard two girls say they did not want to go to college as virgins." Fez explained,
"Yeah," Kelso nodded, "I caught that wave last year."
"So I'm thinking if horny virgins are dying for sex then a-hunting horny virgins I will go." Fez smirked at his plan.
"By the way, Fez, it's not pronounced vir-gin, it's pronounced ver-geen." Hyde falsely corrected.
"I thought it was virgin?" Fez grew confused.
Baby shook her head, "Nope." She said popping the p, "Hyde's right. It's ver-geen."
"Now I will not sound stupid in front of the beautiful ver-geens." Fez smiled graciously.
The bell rang on the door signalling a customer walking in. Kelso straightened up and his eyes widened while he pointed to the beautiful brunette that walked over to the jukebox.
"That's her...that's the girl I made it with at the Molly Hatchet concert." Kelso informed the group.
"That's Brooke." Baby said as she looked over her shoulder,
"Man, no one sleeps with that Brooke." Hyde got up from his seat and forced Kelso to move over in the booth,
"When we were sophomores and she was a senior, she turned down her science teacher and he drove a Corvette." Hyde informed them as he stared at the brunette.
"Maybe she turned him down because he was acting like a sexual predator?" Baby raised her brow annoyed by Hyde's glorification.
Hyde continued on, "It's weird, it seems like she's moving too fast. It's probably because all my memories of her are in super jiggle sexy slo-mo."
Baby turned her head around and glared at her husband, picking up a fry from Kelso's basket and tossed it at him.
"Thanks." Hyde picked up the fry and put it in his mouth not realizing Baby's irritation.
"Well, all I know is, that's her, and I did it with her and I'll prove it." Kelso got up from the booth and puffed up his chest as he approached her.
"Hey, Brooke. I know this is kinda awkward but could you tell my friends over there,"
Kelso spoke, pointing back to the boys at the table waving while Baby waved her hand in front of her neck to convey that she was not apart of the conversation, "About you and me at the Molly Hatchet concert?"
"Do I know you?" The girl in the pantsuit asked unsure about what Michael was referring to.
Baby walked up and placed a hand on Michael's shoulder, "I'm sorry to interrupt but um...burn!" The blonde laughed as she walked back behind the counter to observe and take orders.
"It's me, Michael from the concert. I've been looking for you for weeks and I think you were so blissed out, and that does happen, that you gave me the wrong phone number. But the good news is, I wasn't a dream."
"I'm sorry but I don't know what you're talking about." Brooke smiled apologetically before walking past him towards the door.
"Michael Kelso! Let's do it in the men's room, it's more romantic." He said as he followed after her, "No, wait! I kicked that kid out of the handicapped stall so we could have more room!"
✽ ✾ ✽
"What is Brooke's deal, man? Most girls lie about doing it with me when they haven't." Kelso continued on as he walked downstairs into the basement.
Hyde sat in his usual spot while Jackie and Bethany sat on the couch and Fez stood beside the stereo.
"This...the...everything is backwards." He said with exasperation.
"Yeah, this is just like Freaky Friday. But unlike that charming little film, your story has no basis of fact." Baby teased as she munched on cheez-its.
"It does too. Except it's just the girl is avoiding me. I mean, how do you get a girl to come to you when you repulse her?" Michael took a seat in the lawn chair.
"Man, I wish Forman were here. He'd be the perfect one to ask." Hyde laughed, "So, how do you know Brooke anyway? Did you two jump outta a cake or something?"
"No, moron. When she was a senior we worked on the school paper together and we also did debate club." Baby stuck out her tongue.
"I think you know Brooke cause there's a secret club in this town made up of all the hot girls. It's the secret hot girls club." Kelso thought aloud.
"There's no secret hot girls club." Jackie shook her head, "Believe me, I'd know."
"Right." Baby rolled her eyes, "Well, I'm gonna go. I've got to get to my secret hot girls meeting." She said as she got up from the couch and gasped, cupping a hand over her mouth, "Oops!"
✽ ✾ ✽
Up in her room, Bethany was putting away her folded laundry and humming along to the Grateful Dead record that was spinning on her record player.
Hyde knocked his knuckles on her open door before stepping in, "Hey."
"Hi." She said as she placed her folded jeans in her dresser drawer.
"How was your hot girls meeting?" He stuffed his hands in his pockets.
Refusing to turn around she spoke shortly, "Terrific."
Hyde sighed, "Baby, what's wrong?"
"Nothing," she sighed turning around to face him,
He walked forward and removed his hands from his jeans and grabbed her hips, "It's obviously not nothing."
She scrunched up her nose, "Well, aren't you sharp?"
Hyde stepped back and ran a hand through his hair, "What did I do?"
She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes, "You were practically drooling over Brooke!"
"So?" Hyde shrugged,
"Do you think she's hot?"
"You're setting me up."
"Just answer the question."
"Yeah, I think she's hot."
Bethany crossed her arms over her chest preparing to lay into him before Kelso barged into the room and opened the desk drawer to retrieve Baby's black book filled with phone numbers.
"Kelso!" She shouted lunging over and grabbing the book from his grasp, "What do you think you're doing?"
"I'm looking for Brooke's phone number. I mean, why won't she admit we did it?"
"Kelso, I'm gonna give you a classic Eric Forman analogy: there are racehorses and there are donkeys, and you are a great donkey. You are, like, top donkey. But she's a racehorse and she don't want no donkey." Steven said.
"She might." Kelso said sheepishly, "Look, we had a great time together and not just because of the sex part, but because we had a really great time. Baby, please help me find her."
Baby sighed, "Okay, I'll give you a hint about where she works. It's in a quiet building, you could try to check her out on a date, but she's probably booked for the future."
"She's a travel agent?" Michael guessed.
"She translated her love of books into a career." Steven further explained based off of Beth's hint.
"She's a translator." Michael said in ah-ha.
Baby pursed her lips, "Ella trabaja en la biblioteca, Kelso."
"She's the translator, Baby not me. You know, enough with these brain teasers." He rushed over to her drawer and grabbed a handful of her panties, "You tell me where Brooke works, and I'll return your underpants to safety." He said as he fought her off.
"Kelso, aren't you a little old to be stealing girls undies?" Hyde raised his brow.
"A collector never stops collecting, Hyde."
"The library! She works in the fricking library." Baby huffed trying to reach for her underwear, "Will you put my underwear back you perv."
"I lied!" Kelso said before running down the stairs with Baby chasing after him.
✽ ✾ ✽
Mr. and Mrs. Hyde sat watching TV with Mr. and Mrs. Forman though one couple wasn't speaking,
Beth sat in the middle of Hyde and her mother with her arms folded over her chest,
"Wow, those male actors are gorgeous," she raved, "I think Robert Redford is so hot. Ugh, and so manly."
"He's extremely handsome." Hyde nodded in agreement.
"You know who I think is sexy?" Kitty joined in causing her daughter to scrunch up her face, "James Caan in The Godfather. Now, if he made me an offer, I sure couldn't refuse."
Kitty looked over at her husband, "Yowza!" She giggled to herself.
Bethany nodded, "Yeah he's pretty cute. Actors are hot but rockstars are smokin. Like Mick Jagger? I'd give him some satisfaction."
The girls giggled together and earned glared from each of their husbands,
"Bethany a young girl your age shouldn't be talking like that." Her father said in distaste.
"Daddy you act like we didn't just put on a shotgun wedding a couple of weeks ago." Beth rolled her eyes.
Grumbling Red turned back to his newspaper and Hyde turned his head to look at Beth,
"Look, Beth I know what you're doing. I said Brooke was hot, and now you're totally insecure."
"You know who else I like? That little guy Columbo. I just wanna give him a bath." Mrs. Forman laughed.
"Insecure? Oh, I am not insecure. I could have any guy in Point Place."
"Alright, you go out and get him. And when you come running back after he finds out you're pregnant and married to me, I'll be right downstairs mooching off your parents."
With a huff the blonde stormed out of the room, the kitchen door flapping to a close.
"You've never been in a relationship have you, son?" Red looked at Hyde.
"What, when she asked if Brooke was hot, should I have lied and said, no?" Hyde spoke in annoyance.
"Being honest and screwing yourself is clearly the better plan." Red replied with sarcasm.
"Sweetie, white lies help relationships." Mrs. Forman explained, "Like, Kitty, even though your pot roast was overdone, I still loved it." She turned her head and glared at her husband.
Mr. Forman dropped the paper to his lap and tilted his head back closing his eyes for a brief moment, "Oh, for the love of God, I did love it. You're a pot roast genius, okay?" He lifted his head, tired of speaking like a broken record, "It was like eating gold."
"So, you're saying lying is good?" Hyde clarified.
"Exactly. Now go do the right thing and lie to the woman you love." Kitty smiled.
"Red, this is crazy, right?" His nose scrunched as he looked to his father-in-law.
"Yeah, they're all nuts." He mumbled as he read the paper once again, "Except you, sweetheart."
✽ ✾ ✽
Baby sat at the kitchen table with her mother, sharing cups of tea and eating fresh brownies.
"What is wrong with, Steven? Why can't he just say that Brooke's not hot?"
"Because he doesn't know how to lie. He's an orphan. He never had a mother to teach him how." Kitty explained to her youngest.
Beth groaned leaning her chin on her palm, "Why did I have to choose a strong, opinionated man? Why couldn't I have just picked a push-over. You know, Sam never would have told me that another girl was hot. He would've just lied and told me I was hotter."
"Now, now, Bethany. Do I think that he should have just lied and told you that other girl wasn't pretty? Yes. But you have to pick your battles."
"But I wanna be right all the time. At least when it comes to stuff like this." She said biting into her brownie.
"And you will be." Her mother reassured, "After a few years they just...they give up."
Kitty turned her head as Red walked in the door,
"Okay, watch." She said gaining her daughters attention as they watched Red crack open a beer from the fridge.
"Red, could you go to the drug store and get me a Ladies Home Journal?" Kitty politely asked, her daughter spun around in her chair sipping on her mug of tea.
"But I just..." he pointed to his opened can, "It's all frosty. Ah, crap." He set down the can and walked out of the sliding door.
Beth turned around and clinked her mug against her mothers smiling as they did so.
✽ ✾ ✽
In the evening the teens gathered in the basement, Hyde and Baby at opposite ends.
Baby sat in the lawn chair with her feet propped up as she read The Lord of the Flies.
"I can't believe Brooke. I mean, standing there at the library, totally resisting me." Kelso said in astonishment.
"I can't believe we have a library." Hyde said dumbfounded causing Beth to roll her eyes.
"I know, what is it, like invisible?" Jackie filed her nails.
"No, no, you know that parking lot where we drink beer in?" Kelso began to explain, Hyde nodded, "Okay, well you know that wall that we lean up against? That's the library!"
"Oh!" Hyde nodded.
"Well, then guess who has peed on the library." Fez smiled, pointing a finger at himself.
Kelso got up from the couch, "For the first time in my life, I hope there's not a secret hot girls club. Cause I bet Brooke said awful things about me at their last meeting."
"She did." Beth mumbled as she flipped her page.
"Really? What all did she say?" Kelso quickly dropped to his knees and leaned into Baby.
Pushing her palm against his forehead to push him back she told him once again, "Michael, there is no secret hot girls club."
"Of course the president won't admit it." Kelso scoffed as he got up from the floor.
"You think I'd be the president?" Beth sat up with a growing grin before coughing slightly, "I mean, psh't. Whatever." Sinking back into her chair.
"All I know is Brooke and I had a romantic night together at the concert. Why is she pretending like it didn't happen?" Kelso asked after he grabbed a popsicle from the freezer and removed the packaging.
"Maybe she's embarrassed?" Jackie said,
"She's used to dating really brainy guys." Beth told him.
"Yeah, not guys who set their own pants on fire." Hyde reminisced.
"On a dare." Kelso reminded, "And I won a dollar."
"Kelso, if you want Brooke to like you why don't you go to the library and show her you can be smart." Beth suggested.
Kelso groaned taking his seat back on the couch, "I hate the library. The only good thing about is that you can check out Playboys. I mean, they have every issue since it started."
"Every issue?" Fez's face lit up, "Um, if you all will excuse me, I suddenly have a very busy afternoon ahead of me." The foreigner said as he got up and ran out of the basement.
"Man, he's got to have a very calloused hand." Baby shook her head.
✽ ✾ ✽
Hyde sat next to Kitty on the living room couch as she read the Ladies Home Journal and he ate a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream.
Baby stepped in through the kitchen, coming up from the basement after finishing her book and doing some thinking.
"Okay, Steven I've figured out a way to end this situation where everybody wins—"
Before she could finish her thought her mother hummed in a sing-song tune, "Pick your battles."
Baby cleared her throat and straightened her shoulders, "I don't care if you think she's hot, because that is how you really feel. I appreciate the honesty but I'd rather you not be so honest about these things in the future."
"Thank you." He said eating a spoonful of ice cream.
Baby shared a look with her mother before looking back at Hyde trying to conceal the smirk on her face,
"Hey, Steven. Could you go to the drug store and get me a Rolling Stones magazine?" She pouted out her bottom lip and batted her eyes.
"But I just...it's gonna melt." He looked up from his bowl of ice cream and over at his pouting wife,
"Crap!" He said as he put the bowl on the coffee table and got up from the couch and exited through the front door.
With a widening smile on her face, Bethany plopped down on the couch next to her Mom and grabbed the bowl of ice cream.
"I love that trick." She grinned once the door had shut, licking the minty treat off of the spoon.
✽ ✾ ✽
Late in the evening after Bethany had read through her magazine and had made amends with Hyde, the couple snuggled up together on the couch as Fez walked around,
"Well, my plan to have sex with ver-geens failed. So I've widened my search from ver-geens to everyone."
"Basically, you're back to where you started this morning." Jackie said from Hyde's seat.
"Not really, I had some pie. I've done less in a day." Fez said contently.
"Well, Baby it turns out Brooke doesn't like intelligent men." Kelso spoke angrily at the blonde on the couch once he joined the group in the basement.
"Kelso, you didn't have sex with her, man just let it go." Hyde said, fed up with the topic.
The basement door swung open causing the teens to turn around in confusion.
Bethany looked around the room and did a head count before looking to see Brooke.
"Michael, I need to talk to you." Brooke spoke quietly.
"Yeah, about what?"
Brooke glanced over at the onlookers before confessing, "About our night together at the Molly Hatchet concert."
A smile grew on Kelso's face, "Excuse me." He said to the brunette before turning around.
"Burn!" He pointed at Fez, walking around the couch to Bethany and Hyde, "Burn!" And lastly pointing at Jackie before running up the basement steps upstairs, "Burn!"
From the basement they could hear the Kelso boy shout burn twice, assumingely at Bethany's parents before rushing back downstairs from the door Brooke came in from.
"Burn." He said once he stopped in his tracks, "We totally did it!"
He then turned around to face Brooke so she could continue speaking.
"Michael, I just found out I'm pregnant."
Everyone's jaws dropped open and they remained silent.
"I never touched her!" Kelso announced as he took a much needed seat in the lawn chair.
"Now that's a burn." Bethany laughed.