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An OC and above art by TheGoldenGoatFluff
This OC and review contain themes of mental health issues and substance misuse. Mentions of torture as well as relationship abuse. If you're uncomfortable with the above, I suggest overlooking this review.
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I hope you don't mind, I've edited your form a bit! I've re-arranged some sections to make it easier for how I review. I've also looked at all the links provided and have spliced documents and information together so I've got everything relevant in one place.
-Isaac-
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**-World-**
Original type world created by my friend and I. It contains medieval elements like kingdoms, knights, peasants, that sort of thing. However, it also contains fantasy elements like monsters and magic while also having modern elements like phones, computers, and television. Technically the technology of this world is powered by magic but works similarly to real world items albeit more effectively. This world is called 'Kioan' which means 'World of Green' in a long since dead language. However, the name kind of stuck and Kioan is this world's name.
**-Aura Scale (Still in progress!)-**
Auras are a big deal in this world. They demonstrate how powerfully gifted in magic someone is. Normally, you can't see the aura but there are spells to make them visible to people. They can take shape but this is extremely rare and only really happen in royalty or shapeshifters.
[ I understand why a powerful shapeshifter may be able to give shape to their aura but why are shapes also reserved for royalty, albeit rarely? Did something occur in the past for this to happen? This is something to think about when you and your friend are worldbuilding and thinking about the history of Kioan.]
-For example: Black is extremely weak while White is extremely powerful
In Donovan's case, his aura is red thanks to his unique ability. It is a strength-based ability and red represents power and strength.
[ Interesting idea with the aura, although I find myself a little confused on how they function. Do white and black auras still, have an effect on people with a specialized magic type? Let's say Donovan's aura is like a poppy red and his friend, I don't know Mark's aura is also red but more of Tuscan red, would the difference in shade show that Donovan is more powerful than Mark? Or does a person have two auras a specialised one as well as a grayscale one? Are people with a darker aura as less of a person? Is there discrimination between colours or shades of auras?]
**-Starting information-**
Name: Donovan Harvey Wickhelm
Nickname(s): Donny(Lunar calls him this), Don(Generally anyone calls him this), Don-Von(Felix calls him this)
Opinions on Nicknames(A reviewer gave me this idea):
-Donny: "Lunar gave me that one. It's adorable when he calls me that, I must admit."
-Don: "Sometimes when people are talking to Dawn I get confused but other than that I don't have an opinion."
-Don-Von: "...Heh...Felix..."
[ Props to the reviewer that gave you that idea, it's an inventive way of giving how he feels on each name. You are repeating yourself, however, so I'd remove the first sentence dedicated to his nicknames and who gave them to him and just keep the second lot with his opinions of said names. You aren't going to be losing any information since Donovan states who gave him each name as he speaks about them.]
Birth Name: Anthony Martin Bear Claw
Age: 26
Date of Birth: October 12, 2041
Sign: Libra (This isn't really too important. I added it for fun plus Donovan fits the bill)
Alignment(I don't play much DND but figured this would be fun to add): Chaotic Good
Alive/Dead?: Alive
Sex: Male
Gender: Male
Race: Human
Sexuality: Gay
Voice(I know it would technically be his singing voice but I haven't found anything that feels like his voice other than this song):
[ I have no trust in these links working after I format the review so for those interested, the link leads to 'The Sound Of Silence' by Disturbed. Now I'm not great at describing voices but when I think of David Draiman's voice I think distorted and deep-sounding.]
Accent: He sounds a bit Scottish and Australian. He doesn't usually pronounce the 'g' of 'ing' words. He also says 'ya' instead of 'you'.
[ I'm assuming Donovan comes from a yet to be named country/region of Kioan which is some combination of our Scotland and Australia. Think about any unique dialect words his country/region uses... I predict again it'll be some mixture of Scots and Aussie dialects. Perhaps there are some words that are different for him than they are for other people because of where he's from. I'll use Scots as an example, from my experience most Scots tend to say 'cannae' rather than 'can't' and the obvious one of 'aye' for 'yes'. Just something else to consider with his character and worldbuilding.]
Song that represents him(Not too important but still fun):
[ Again, no trust for these links, the song is 'This is Home' by Cavetown... however, he's still going to get his own song from me at the end whether he likes it or not.]
**-Physical Description-**
Height: 6'2
Weight: 210 lbs
Body shape: Muscular (That's where a lot of his weight comes from)
[ Yep, makes sense.]
Eye shape: No eyes...so.
[ Well, golf ball-sized empty sockets aren't really your traditional eye shape, are they?]
Eye color: No eyes...so
Hair type: Thick, straight hair
Hair style(Middle of story (After he was tortured for those two years)): Long, matted, complete mess
Hair style(Current/Later on in story (After he met Lunar)): Man-bun with side-shaved style
Hair color: Red-Brown
Facial Hair: He has a bit of stubble
Skin color: Olive tan
Scars: Scars around his sockets(three around his right side socket and one just left of his left side socket), brand on his back of a wolf's head with a star on it, and other miscellaneous scars (caused by whips, knives, and other fun stuff that involves fighting or torture).
Beauty/Handsomeness 1-10 scale: 8
[ His appearance reminds me a lot of Kanan Jarrus from Star Wars Rebels I think it was. You could consider his features just as his nose shape, face shape and so on.]
**-Clothing Description-**
Shirt: Loose gray sweater
Over shirt/coat: None
Pants: Blue jeans
Belt: None
Socks: Black low-ride socks
Shoes: Black boots
Jewelry: None
Weapons: Two Twin Ebony bladed daggers
Armor: None
Other: Red bandana around his empty sockets and a red scarf that covers his neck.
[ I wouldn't mention things he doesn't wear, it just puts useless words into his profile. For example, rather than saying he doesn't wear a belt or a coat, just don't mention it. I highly doubt anyone is going to question why he doesn't wear a belt if you get me.]
**-Personality Description-**
Defining quality: Leader
Positive qualities: Heart of gold, determined, kind, protective, caring, flirty (if he's close to someone), leader type
Negative qualities: Stubborn, a bit too quick to forgive, evasive, insecure, paranoid at times, reckless, self-destructive, self-indulgent
Paragraph Form(I added this as people said they couldn't get a good feel for his personality):
Donovan, the lost prince! As any unaware royalty should be, he is a natural leader with a determined mind and caring heart. Though, he still has his flaws. He can be rather self indulgent in his habits and is laced in his vicious cycle of alcohol thanks to self-pity. Although paranoid at times, he's still willing to bring in anyone to his marry band of misfits. He has a very warm and welcoming personality but internally struggles with his own demons.
[ I'm biased to the paragraph method of writing personalities because that's how I write personalities. I greatly prefer paragraphs for a number of reasons, but I can definitely work with a list. Now back onto Donovan, he seems like a reliable, charismatic, selfless young chap. I've got no issues with the content of his personality, nothing leaps out as being a problem and I can see some nice links between his traits. For example, his protectiveness can make him reckless, putting himself in danger to keep those he loves safe. As well as his heart of gold making him naive.]
Habits/Quirks: Taps his foot more frequently if he gets nervous, drinks alcohol (vodka in a water bottle if people are around) when he gets overwhelmed, can't sleep unless if he has lied awake and listened to make sure there are no footsteps for a good long time, freezes up when someone touches his scars, grips his hands into fists hard when under stress (he has short nails to prevent himself from making wounds)
[ Can others not smell the alcohol on him after he's drunk it?]
Hobbies: Exercise(Keeps him in shape for mercenary work and he can do it on the road), camping(He actually enjoys camping! Mostly because he can feel the morning sun on his scars), story-telling(He May not be able to write but boy does he love a good story!)
Mental state/issues: Alcoholism, PTSD
[ Is he attempting to improve any of his issues? Does he feel guilty about drinking? What kind of a drunk is he... you know, just for my own curiosity.]
People's usual first impression: A mercenary that is more laidback than the average mercenary. He's usually warm and welcoming but always seems a bit tipsy-like
[ Alcoholism ain't pretty, overuse of alcohol can have physical effects such as the obvious one, frequently stinking of alcohol as well as dry skin, appearing older than you actually are, flushed appearance and so on. Have a think about the physical effects of drinking alcohol as much as Donovan does. How are his teeth?]
**-Physical capability 1-10 scale-**
Physical Strength: 10
Physical Defense: 7
Physical Speed: 6
Dexterity: 6
**-Intelligence 1-10 scale-**
General Intelligence: 5
Literacy: 3
Street Smarts: 10
Wisdom: 4
**-Social Skills 1-10 scale-**
Friendliness: 7
Cooperation: 8
Negotiation Skills: 7
Charisma: 8
**-Magical capability 1-10 scale-**
Magical Strength: 3 (counting Bear Claw Reign, 10)
Magical Defense: 3
Magical Speed: 7 (counting Bear Claw Reign, 9)
Magical knowledge: 3
[ Does and if so how does his stats differ while under the effects of alcohol?]
Magic Use:
-Minor Teleportation: Teleports things a short distance away though can keep thrown item's momentum
Shadow 'Sight': When he taps his foot he can see what's around him but only the shadows of everything and that item has to be touching the ground (Think Toph from Avatar if you will).
[ I'm not sure if you mean Donovan can see shadows, as in a dark form cast onto a surface due to the light, or if you mean he can see the silhouette of something touching the ground. The latter makes more sense to me because I can't for the life of me figure out how he'd feel the movement of shadows. Other than that, it's a pretty standard way of a blind character seeing. What are some of the weaknesses or setbacks to this ability? Perhaps without his shoes or socks, his 'sight' is enhanced significantly because he's got nothing interrupting the vibrations on the ground. Other than that, think about exploring the downsides to this way of seeing.]
-Summon Item: He has the ability to tap into a plane of reality and uses it to store things and can summon any item he has placed in there. He himself can not teleport there, however. He also can't teleport large items in there.
[ Yep, your standard dimensional storage. Decent setbacks.]
Unique Ability (It is unique as only those of Bear Claw lineage possess the ability. However, Donovan is unaware of his ability at this point in his story. I plan on this ability being uncovered when Donovan first faces Edward right before he finds out that he's the true heir): Bear Claw Rein (A unique ability that makes Donovan's aura visible and surround his body to make him appear like a bear. This ability gives him incredible strength, speed, and power but also makes him go into a blind rage due to his past traumatic events. Once he gets control of it, it can prove to be a vital ability. While not the most powerful ability ever, it adds onto his already existing strength and allows him better movement despite the pain of movement he experiences at times).
[ Does the Bear Claw Reign cause him to go into a blind rage or his past trauma? That makes sense that he'll be able to better deal with pain, anger can distract you from pain. I'd argue that by stating his magical strength and speed are a 10 and 9 with the Bear Claw Reign, that you are making this ability seem like the most powerful ability. Perhaps alter his stats? But then again it's rare I get characters with stats so I'm not the best consultant on his matter.]
Main magic type: 'Sight'/Shadow Sight(When he taps his foot he's able to see the shadows of everything for a moment)(More info in the magic section)
Unique magic ability: Bear Claw Rein (More info in the magic section)
[ Just my opinion, it's just unnecessary to repeat the above to points as we already know this from his 'magic use 'section directly above these points.]
Aura: Bright red that takes the shape of fire forming into the head of a bear
Main weapon: Two twin ebony bladed daggers
[ We already are aware of his weapon from his 'clothing description'.]
**-Attributes-**
Weakness: Alcoholism, blind, hurts to move sometimes, limited education
Strength: Trained soldier, street-smart
Talents: Skilled fighter, telling a good story, camping, survival knowledge, memorizing people's voices.
[ Why does it hurt to move? When someone like Donovan is blind, I like to see the blindness as a strength-weakness attribute. People are likely to underestimate his fighting ability that will likely catch others off guard when Donovan suddenly stabs a dagger in them. It also forces him to rely on his other senses more, as you hinted at making him better with recognising and memorising voices. Perhaps he learns to reckon when someone is lying. But then all fine here.]
Fears: Loss of control, failure, loosing those he loves, causing the death of someone he cares about.
[ Yeh, pretty standard. ]
Likes: Listening to a good story, cuddling Lunar, talking to people, guitars (he enjoys any acoustic instrument but especially enjoys guitars. He wishes he could learn to play one), the warmth of alcohol, a nice warm bath(it feels nice on his scars)
Dislikes: Anyone touching his scars (it can send him into a flashback. Even if that weren't the case, it feels weird and uncomfortable to him. The only person he's okay with touching them is Lunar. Noelle too (though on very rare occasion)). He also dislikes large crowds(PTSD), sudden sounds (PTSD), the sound of footsteps at night(PTSD), small rooms (reminds him too much of the cell he was in for those two years), sudden movement, and fights between those he cares about.
[ He seems to have pretty good interpersonal skills, with those I would have imagined he'd be able to stop the argument from turning into a fight making that a rare occurance.]
How his blindness effects him(I wanted to add this as there were a few people who reviewed Donovan that said they wanted to know how his blindness affects him on a day-to-day basis): Donovan's lack of sight effects him greatly. Despite him having Shadow 'Sight' he still struggles especially with depth perception when using it. He's learned to cope with it but it's still bothersome. He also cannot read. He already wasn't very literate due to his very limited education but due to his blindness and not knowing how to read brail, he has to rely on other people. When cooking Donovan tends to slightly burn his food as he relies on smell to know when something is done cooking. At this point he's learned to enjoy the taste of burnt food. Donovan also uses daggers despite having used a great sword back when he was a Bear Claw soldier. This is because great swords are longer weapons and Donovan relies greatly on being up close and personal due to relying on touch and feel. It's much easier to do this with daggers than a great sword.
[ Yeh, that's fine.]
**-Relationships-**
-Blood Family(He was handed off to adoptive parents when he was too young to remember them): Eric Bear Claw (Father), Vera Bear Claw (Mother)
-Adoptive Family: Adam Wickhelm (Dad), Farkus Wickhelm (Dad), Felix Wickhelm (Brother)
-Feelings on his family:
Adam: "Dad taught me that loyalty was the most important thing. I've learned to take it in moderation now, but still appreciate his lessons. I hope he's doin' well and that he's still alive."
Farkus: "Pop was the one to teach me how to fight and fend for myself. Without him, I doubt I'd be alive. He wasn't soft but he loved Felix and I in his own way. I hope he's still doin' well. I have no idea if he's still alive."
Felix: "My older brother, Felix. Two years older in fact. I miss him a lot. Varian, Felix, and I used to get into all sorts of trouble. I regret havin' a fallin' out with Felix when I became Edward's right hand man and general. Now that we're startin' a war, I hope to find him."
[ My musical sense is tingling.]
Friend(s): Varian Brothum(Old friend from Bear Claw. They used to cause all sorts of mischief with each other), Noelle Whispers(Previous client and currently his closest friend), Johnathan Harrel(Fellow mercenary. They met on the job and worked well as a team), Dawn Blairshair(Twin sister of Lunar. The twins look almost exactly alike aside from hair style and eye color. First day Donovan met her, Dawn tried to convince Donovan that she was Lunar. Donovan didn't fall for it as he pays more attention to mannerisms and voices since he can't see)
-Feelings on his friend(s):
Varian: "He was a good friend. I have no idea if he's still alive though."
Noelle: "My closest friend and a reoccurring client. I lowered my prices for her as she's done more than enough for me."
Johnathan Harrel: "Ah, John. He's a funny guy. I don't see him too often but when I do, man, we have a blast!"
Dawn: "Dawn's alright. I'm not too terribly close to her but she's gonna be my sister-in-law one day I hope. She's a bit of an air-head but she's got a good heart."
Lover(s): Lunar Blairshair (Was his current client but at this point he dropped the fee. These two knew each other for about two months and quickly fell in love)
-Feelings on lover(s)
Lunar: "I am the luckiest man in the world, I swear. Fate must exist for me to end up with such a great guy. With his smarts and my strength, I think we make the perfect team. I worry about him at times as he sometimes doesn't eat at times and sometimes gets snappy. We're workin' on it together. We've already have made good progress."
Ex-Lover(s): Keith Mitchell(It was a toxic relationship on both of their ends)
-Feelings on Ex-Lover(s)
Keith: "Keith. I have a sour taste in my mouth with him. I was no saint during our relationship but Gods above, that man has makes it impossible to visit Raven's Nook without relivin' the fights."
[ Does any of the problems or similar issues that Donovan and Keith had, arise with his relationship with Lunar? Does his past of being in a toxic relationship and being the cause for half the toxicity affect his relationship with Lunar?]
Enemie(s): King Edward Bear Claw (Not related to Donovan by blood)
-Feelings on enemie(s)
Edward: "I can't believe I used to be loyal to this arrogant prick. I was his right hand man but he mostly brushed me aside. Now? I look back and realize how disgusting he was. He's hurt Lunar and took kids. He's dead meat."
[ Does he have any struggles with trying to keep his heart in check? Does he have to remind himself that Edward can't be trusted or forgiven after all he did? Other than that, I quite like this way of going about explaining relationships and opinions of others. I might have to give it a go myself some time.]
**-Backstory (It's a bit long but I tried to summarize. Let me know if I need to take something out)-**
Born to the King and Queen of The Bear Claw Kingdom (Eric and Vera Bear Claw), Donovan's true name was Anthony Bear Claw. However, a coup was arranged by a man named Bruno Terry Hymond (Second in command and general of Vera. Was a highly charismatic man. Hell, he managed to convince the population at large that he was the true heir and that Eric and Vera were false rulers). Eric and Vera were killed but not before Donovan was handed to the soldiers in the barracks (children tended to be dropped off to the soldiers which is where they got most of their army). From there, Anthony Bear Claw was renamed Donovan Wickhelm and was raised by Adam and Farkus Wickhelm along side his brother Felix Wickhelm.
Donovan grew up to be extremely loyal to King Bruno Bear Claw and later Bruno's son, Edward Bear Claw. Despite his brother's protest, Donovan became a general and second hand man to Edward. (Felix protested as Edward proved to be an arrogant king that was willing to kill, manipulate, and even torture to get whatever he wanted).However, one day on patrol, Donovan's patrol was attacked by a group of The Winter Wolf Kingdom. Donovan's patrol was slaughtered and he was taken hostage.
For two years he was tortured for information. However, his loyalty proved to be stronger than they expected. That loyalty only broke when he lost both of his eyes and was branded with the Winter Wolf's symbol. He revealed all he could after that. Once Donovan did, security was lessened and he was able to escape. He wandered for days until he collapsed in a town called Raven's Nook that was located out the outskirts of the Winter Wolf Kingdom and later was rehabilitated there. In that town was where he learned magic. Once he was able to be independent with his new found magic, Donovan took up the trade of mercenary work.
Once on his own, he developed a habit of alcohol in order to cope with the horrendous trauma he went through. A few months later he returned to Raven's Nook just to visit and met a man named Keith Mitchell. Donovan kept returning to the town to see him and well, they fell in love. However, that relationship quickly ended on a sour note due to Donovan's addiction, his mercenary work keeping him away, and Keith's way of 'stopping' Donovan by physically harming him. Fights, arguments, and Donovan nearly dying from withdrawal made Donovan get out of that relationship. He hasn't returned to Raven's Nook since.
Years later, he is hired by Lunar Blairshair to protect a water elemental named Rivule from a group that's been harassing him. From that, they became fast friends and even lovers. However, that job he was hired for unearthed his past as the group turned out to be soldiers from The Bear Claw Kingdom. One of those soldiers recognized Donovan and reported to Edward. King Edward, furious that a previous soldier would betray him, sent two soldiers to cause Donovan Hell. They attacked the school that Lunar worked at while Donovan was present, kidnapping two kids and causing Lunar to loose his job. Donovan tried to get the school board to let Lunar keep his job but failed. Donovan promised that he would get those kids back in exchange that Lunar got his job back. That promise then turned into something bigger; He Promised To End Edward's Reign Of Ternary By Starting A War. He just needs to get enough people together. Thus, Donovan and Lunar will set out on their quest.
[ Hmm... I see that the school board doesn't have its priorities right. Jokes aside, I don't see any major issues with the story, I just hope there was a significant amount of time for him to come to terms with his blindness.]
**-Plot I have in mind-**
This will be an urban fantasy adventure story. Basically Donovan and Lunar will go around and gather an army. While they are doing that they will be fighting off Edward's plots against them and save many innocent lives. The first time they actually face off against The Bear Claw Kingdom I plan on them failing. Lunar and Donovan would have slipped into the city while their army attacked. However, they would be jumped. Lunar would get hurt and that would be when Donovan accidentally uncovers his unique ability. Quickly, though, he would be killed by Edward via being impaled by a spear. Lunar would also uncover his unique ability but I won't go into depth with that as that is for a different character profile.
Anyways, a group of elves and monsters would save the army as well as Donovan's body and Lunar himself. Donovan would be revived by his brother Felix but at the cost that Felix gives up his own life. This would be Donovan and Lunar's breaking point and for a while they would give up on their quest. Donovan would learn from the elves and monsters that he is the true heir. Despite their pleas, Donovan would refuse to finish what he started. This part is a bit fuzzy, but I plan on an event happening that reignites Donovan and Lunar's will to finish what they started.
With the help of the monsters and elves as well as the army they acquired beforehand, they would win the second go round. Donovan would be the one to do the killing blow to Edward. The final part of the book would end off with Donovan and Lunar walking onto the balcony. They would lift up the crown together as the crowd cheered on.
[ Sounds promising.]
»»———— Overview ————««
You've got no major issues with Donovan, nothing that breaks his character as far as I could see. There are a few sections which have repeated information which just makes Donovan needlessly longer, but that's more of a formatting/visual issue rather than a content issue. While I don't see many issues with Donovan there are a few things that I think you could think a little more about. His appearance, for example, is fine. However, perhaps you could consider what his facial features are like, but then again, you've drawn him so in a way you have considered such. You could also consider the effect his use of alcohol has on his appearance, if he seems like he's always a touch tipsy, he's got to have at least had some effect on his physical appearance.
Donovan's personality is fine and holds some nice links between his positive and negative traits, as I've mentioned before got no real issues with his content. He seems to paint him as quite empathic, perhaps overly so, maybe feeling others' pain and worries a little too much. If you fancied you could have a little look into that possibility. I don't feel like it would cause too many problems with what you've already got and might even help to strengthen all the links you've got. I feel that there is a slight lack of explanation. Why is he so determined? Why is he so caring? Why is he so Stubborn? Why and when is he evasive? And so on. Of course, just consider these things. I'm not expecting you to go and write a new personality for him. If you prefer to list personalities, you stick to that, those explanations can be explored in his story. I'd also maybe consider what type of leader he is, I imagine he'd been seen as a mediocre leader on his own, I don't think people would take him too seriously with him being seemingly so passionate that he potentially puts himself in danger and with him, of course, being a bit squiffy most the time. I think his real leadership skills and respect as a leader would come when he's paired with Lunar, I think Lunar would act as the voice of reason from Donovan perhaps keeping his more reckless actions and heart and such in check long enough for him to actually lead effectively. I'm just guessing that's what he's like anyway, I don't know what Lunar is like, but if the man can control a class of kids I'm sure he'll be able to keep Donovan in check.
With his magical ability, have a think about setbacks for them. Perhaps if there's too much movement his shadow sight becomes overwhelmed to the point where he can't 'see', similar to when someone who can see is surrounded by too much light/darkness, their vision is gonna get overwhelmed with so much light/darkness they can't make out what's what till their eyes adjust. Perhaps something like that could be implemented into Donovan as a setback to his shadow sight, man can't cope with earthquakes or tap dancers. But all jokes aside I think you definitely need to prioritise giving him some setbacks.
On a whole, the content of Donovan has no issues I can see, just need to give the man some setbacks for his abilities as well as exploring how his stats and potentially personality differ when he's under the effect of alcohol which seems to occur quite a lot for Donovan. But yeh, Donovan's decent! Well done.
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[These are just my thoughts and suggestions, you by no means have to do or take note of any of these.]
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'And I still don't know how I even survive. Hard times. Hard times. And I gotta get to rock bottom.'
- Paramore, Hard Times.
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Thank you to TheGoldenGoatFluff for submitting Mr Wickhelm, it's been a pleasure reviewing him!
If you have any questions or queries about this review or require any help with this or any future OC just drop me a message, I'd be happy to help any way I can.
-=- ISAAC -=-