I barely slept. I couldn't.
Every time I closed my eyes I saw something different.
Whether it was Willow, Kendall, the Bulls ... my mother.
Each time was something different. Something haunting me.
My Dad was having the same issue too it seemed. I heard him walking around all night. Whether it was the T.V. or the microwave going off. He couldn't sleep either. Sometimes I wonder how we both do it. How do we continue to live like this?
"Hey Nova," I heard from behind me.
I closed my locker and turned around. This time it was Willow. It was Willow in her old black varsity jacket. I remember that jacket.
I smiled at her, but in turn, my heart immediately filled with discomfort, "Hey."
"How's school treating you?" She asked.
"Good. I guess. What about you?"
She shrugged, "Better. I was just dropping by to say hello."
I smirked, "Nice to know you're still checking up on me. Afraid I'll be doing something I'm not supposed too?"
She eyed me, "Maybe. It's too soon to put it past you."
I folded my arms and looked down at her, "What's this I hear about a new girlfriend? Replaced me so soon?"
She blinked a few times and tilted her head, "How do you know about that?"
I chuckled, I guess she didn't see me, "You know things go around pretty fast here."
She almost looked sad. Sad that I found out.
She sighed sadly, "I was going to tell you myself. I wanted to tell you myself."
"How long was that going on for?" I questioned curiously.
"A few months ... she's a really sweet girl."
I nodded, "I'm happy for you Willow, really. I've always wanted you to find happiness."
"Thank you ... I hear you and Tommy have been working out together. He told me."
"Oh, yeah. He's pretty serious about it."
She laughed, "Never thought you guys would end up being friends."
I shrugged, realizing that he is actually my only friend at the moment, "Yeah. Guess I can't be alone forever."
"Take care of him alright? He's actually really sweet," She said softly. "He's a really good friend too."
"I will. Promise."
"I'll be dropping in again on you soon, stranger."
I sighed, preparing myself to walk to my first class, "Guess it's best if I stay that way don't think you think?"
She gave me a puzzled look, "Why would you think that?"
"Because I'm your ex."
She didn't say anything back. I wonder if she told her girlfriend about me. I don't really want to know anything more than I should at this point. I kinda wish no one knew me.
I poked Willow's cheek and gave her a smile. Poking Willow's cheek used to be my thing because her cheeks are super soft and squishy. She used to slap my hand away and tell me to stop. Deep down I knew she liked it.
She frowned at me and I walked away from her. It feels like the first time all over again. I'm the one who ruined us anyway. She deserves better and I hope that girl she's with is better.
We had a sub in Chemistry today. I spent the free time catching up on other homework I have that's due. I met up with Tommy in Ms. Frost's class. He's in better condition than what he was at the beginning of the week.
His hair is up in a ponytail again. I flick his curl as I sit down in my seat beside him.
I turned to him, "Can I ask you something?"
"My penis is about seven inches."
I nudged his head and he laughed, "That wasn't the question?"
"God no," I laughed. "Did you ... know about Willow's new girlfriend?"
He nodded, "I did. If you're wondering why I didn't tell you its because she told me she wanted to do it. That it wasn't right for me to be in between your business."
"Ah ... not sure how to feel about that," I responded. "I'd prefer the bandaid being ripped off instead."
"I did want to give you a heads up ... but ..."
I shook my head, "It's fine Tom. You did the right thing, really. We just had a short talk in the hallway."
"How'd that go?" He asked.
"Um ... good. I guess," I shrugged. "I mean, how good can that talk go, you know?"
Tommy got really quiet and leaned in close, "Um, Joe, I don't mean to interrupt you, but those two kids over there keep staring at us. It's kinda creeping me out."
I felt the hairs on my neck stand up, just because I know exactly who he's talking about. I knew I wasn't just being paranoid. I turn around and they quickly looked away from me. It pissed me off.
If you have something to say then say it. Don't just stare from afar like a creep.
I got up from my seat, "If they won't talk first, I will."
"Nova, Nova stop it's not worth it," I heard Tommy say. "Nova."
I walked to the left side of the room. I leaned on the desk across from to the two dark-haired boys. One looked up at me and slowly turned the other way. The other one just stared at me directly in the eyes like he saw a ghost.
"You guys have an eye problem?" I said in a serious tone.
"No," One of the boys answered. "We just—"
"Dillon shut up."
I eyed them even harder, looking at the one named Dillon, "You just what? Cause to be honest I can fix your eye problem. For free."
"It's nothing. We just thought you were someone we knew."
"Right," I moved in closer to them and whispered, "You do it again and I'll make it a real problem with both your eyes."
"Sorry," Dillon said. "It won't happen again."
"I hope it doesn't for your sake."
I saw through the corner of my eye that Ms. Frost walked in. With that I made my way back to my seat, feeling better, but it still feels off. Everything — everyone is becoming suspicious to me.
The final bell rang. The usual people came flowing in.
Two random kids staring at me for two days in a row. Kendall somehow finding me at school. I refuse to believe these are coincidences.
"What'd you say to them?" Tommy asked quietly.
"To stop staring."
"Did you ask why they were staring in the first place?"
I shook my head, "His friend kept it hush-hush. Said they thought I was someone they knew."
"Good Morning everyone," Ms. Frost said. "Today I have some textbook work for you all to complete by the end of class. Feel free to work with a partner and try to keep the volume down a bit."
Today her hair is up in a ponytail. She's not wearing her usual professional attire. She's wearing casual clothing and wow does she look even younger in jeans and sneakers.
"You think she's single?" Tommy whispered.
I rolled my eyes and shook my head, "Like you would ever have a chance."
He scoffed, "You wouldn't have one either fuck face."
I chuckled at his defensiveness, "Never said I wanted one."
Ms. Frost sat down at her desk, "When I call your name please come to my desk and grab a textbook."
She called everyone one by one. When I got to her desk she told me quietly that she would like to see me during my lunch period. I didn't say anything back, I was trying to figure out what I did to possibly end up seeing her during lunch.
Is it because of yesterday? Did she see more than what she let on? A bunch of possibilities are running through my head. I can only hope that she didn't see much.
Tommy and I moved our desk together and started working. He noticed that my mood dropped and asked me if I was alright.
"Fine ... just thinking," I answered.
"How was the rest of the workout yesterday?"
I sighed and tried to push the racing thoughts out of my head, "Good. I didn't really stay that much longer than you did."
"Joe your leg is bumping my desk," Tommy pointed at the jolting desk with his pencil.
"Shit. Sorry."
I felt my entire body start to heat up. I put my pencil down and placed my head in my hands. I felt the sweat break out onto my skin, causing my body to prickle with the terrible sensation. My anxiety and anger is flaring.
Tommy put his hand on my back, "Nova? You good? Jeez, you're so warm—"
I quickly started to take deep breaths, holding them longer and longer with each exhale. It felt like my body temperature just kept rising without stopping.
I feel the heat in my face now and on top of my head.
This deep breathing isn't working. I can't do this.
I launch from my seat, startling those in close proximity, even Tommy. I push my desk out the way and began taking off my shirt.
"Nova?" I heard Ms. Frost say. "Is everything—"
I push my way through the door and leave in my sports bra. I feel the cold air conditioning meshing with the heat of my skin. I ball my shirt up and squeeze it. I walk to one of the many bathrooms in the school.
"They can put you on pills to help stabilize your moods."
"Have you ever heard of Intermittent Explosive Disorder, Nova?"
"You can't keep living like this."
"You have an actual problem."
"She has a bad behavioral issue and we think it's best to leave her behind a grade."
I kicked the door open to a stall and locked myself in it. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath.
"There are three things that cannot be long hidden," I said out loud. "The sun. The moon. The truth."
I could hear my mother's voice in my head. I felt her hands move to hold mine. She would say with this mantra with me all the time to calm me down and get through to me. She believed in that stuff.
She would tell me to say it out loud whenever things got crazy. Whenever I lost control.
My tears fell from my eyes. I wish she was here.
✸✸✸
The rest of the day I completely avoided everyone and anyone. I had a few texts from Tommy that I replied to. I just told him that I wanted to be left alone and that I wasn't going to do anything stupid.
I was stuck on whether or not to go see Ms. Frost after my meltdown, but I owe her an apology, so I decided to go to her classroom.
I knocked on the door and walked inside. She was typing on her Mac and writing things down. She stopped and looked at me for a few seconds. I put my hands in my pockets and stood there waiting for her to give me directions or something.
The way she looked at me made me feel like I was walking into an interrogation. I've never liked being singled out by teachers or anyone of higher authority.
"You can sit down if you want," She spoke finally. "This won't take long though,"
I took a chair and placed it in front of her desk. I sat down and ran my eyes over everything on the desk, big and small. There was an awkward silence before she got everything settled. She closed her laptop and put her elbows on the desk.
We made eye contact and I just felt a wave of embarrassment and sadness overcome me.
"Are you okay?" She asked gently.
I ignored her question, "I apologize for disrupting class. I didn't mean to cause a scene or put anyone under stress."
Her stare softened which made my heart go numb. She's not upset with me?
"You completely ignored my question."
I shrugged, "I'm fine. I handled it."
"I asked you to come during lunch because I wanted to discuss something with you. I hope this didn't cause you any extra stress."
"A little," I responded. "I've just been trying to stay on track."
"I'm sorry then, I didn't mean to worry you. You haven't done anything wrong."
"Then ... what did you want to talk to me about?" I pushed.
She cleared her throat, "So, I know the school has implemented this new system with the guidance counselors ... it's new for everyone. Administration has also made notes of certain students suffering from mental disorders attending non-special education classes."
I nodded, "Uh-huh ..."
"You're one of the students they gave me a notice about."
The realization hits me. So I was being singled out.
"I know you have I.E.D so your episode today made a lot of sense."
I shook my head and quickly stopped her, "No. No, I don't have anything wrong with me. I wish everyone would stop saying that — those letters — those words."
She just stared at me with sad eyes. I slammed my fist on her desk. She slightly flinched.
"This is bullshit."
"Nova, it's okay," She said calmly.
I quickly stood up from the chair and adjusted my bag, "Thanks for letting me know I'm being singled out. You know I had a feeling, but I wasn't sure. I should've known this stupid fuck—"
She stood up and moved in my path, "Nova. It's not like that."
I balled my fists, "Ms. Frost. Move."
She looked up at me and folded her arms. Willow used to do this a lot. Especially because she knew I would never lay my hands on her or do anything physical to her.
"No," She said.
If I wasn't so upset right now I'd be in shock being this close to her — having all her attention to myself. I doubt I'd be able to talk without stumbling on my words.
"I'm not moving," She finished.
I spoke quietly, "Ms. Frost, please move."
She shook her head and looked so perfect while doing it, "It's okay. You know that right?"
"I'm aware. That's why I'm leaving now."
"You can trust me, Nova. I promise."
"Yeah, I can trust you to report everything I do to administration. What, you're gonna work as their double agent now? Isn't that what you teachers are anyway? Double agents?"
It hurt me to say that to her, but it's true. Most teachers aren't your friend and there are rules that they have to follow to keep their jobs.
"My job isn't to play both sides. If any teacher is signing up to play both sides, they should quit their jobs. I help those in need."
"So I'm in need? I'm not helpless Ms. Frost. I've been carrying my own for a while now."
She shook her head, "You are so stubborn. What am I going to do with you?"
"You don't need to do anything. I'm not your responsibility."
I attempted to walk past her, but she placed her hand on my forearm. Her bare skin against mine. It shockingly made me a lot calmer than what I was a few seconds ago. Her hand is hot against my skin.
"If you need help, I'm here. No, I don't plan on running to administration or anyone unless you do something to put yourself in grave danger. I'm always here in this room if you need someone. I know it isn't easy, Nova, but you're not alone."
"Thank you," Was all I could say to her. Her grace and gentleness remind me a lot of my mother. Maybe that's why she's bringing me such peace right now. Maybe that's why I can't walk away from her.
I don't think I really want too.
She let my forearm go, "Tommy finished the work for both of you. He asked me to allow it this one time, so I did. You need to thank him."
"I will."
She eyed me funny, "I'll see you tomorrow?"
I nodded, feeling a weird tension between us, "Yes," I know she felt it too cause she quickly broke our eye contact and moved back to her desk.
We were awfully close.
She sat down in her chair and sighed, "Try to relax when you get home. Your class agreement is due tomorrow. No homework was assigned today."
"Um ... thanks."
"Also, I accept your apology," She said before I left.
I had a strange feeling in my chest as I left the classroom. I know her eyes were on my back. That entire encounter was ... different. It didn't feel like a teacher talking to me. Someone higher than me with more power. She felt like my equal.
It's only the fourth day of school and I feel like I've failed the year already.
I should really find Tommy and thank him. I feel even worse about earlier knowing he finished my work for me.