Knock knock knock.
I listened as the sound of my hand tapping against a vaguely familiar door echoed through the house on the other side. I noticed that the sun was beginning to dip below the horizon and that people were moving frantically through the streets.
Many eyes glanced towards me, but I paid little attention to them. At least, I tried not to pay too much attention to them.
Before long, the door in front of me swung open and revealed a little girl. Her eyes were puffy and her face was dusted with red. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that she was kissed by the sun itself.
"Marcel?" the girl coughed, "what are you doing here?"
"Well, I noticed you weren't at training today and I know you don't like being home alone when your father is out of the country so I thought I'd drop by!" I blushed as (Y/n) gave me a curious look. Rather, when she looked at the bag I held curiously.
"If you only came to drop by, why on earth did you bring that?"
I felt my feet shifting beneath me though it didn't really feel like I was the one doing the shifting.
"My... mom!" I lied, "yes! My mom told me to bring some food over."
"It'll be curfew in just a few hours, you know." the girl warned, "you really shouldn't be here longer than you need to. Otherwise you might be taken to solitary confinement!"
"I don't think you have the right to be worrying about me right now!" I argued, "besides, I'm sure my parents will understand why I stayed over when I tell them that you had a horrible fever."
"I don't have a fever!" the girl blushed, though it wasn't very noticeable on her already flushed cheeks, "It's just a small cough."
I gave the girl a doubtful look. If there was ever something about the young girl that stayed consistent, it was her inability to lie. It was almost funny to see how obviously sick she was and still try to deny the possibility of a fever.
"You know, I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for help." I smiled, brushing stray hair from the girl's face, "and I'd be more than willing to do so."
The girl's skin burned against my own, but I didn't mind. I liked to believe that when you loved someone, you would do anything for them. Even if what you were asked to do was give your life for theirs.
Fate and destiny; two words that shared similar meanings but that I hated in equal amounts. Both fate and destiny implied certain outcomes for the future that had little to no room for change. Just the idea that you can only do so much to affect how life will play out just wasn't something I liked humoring.
I liked to believe that I had control over the things that I did, and that by doing at least that much I could change the events of the future.
This wasn't always how I'd looked at those two words though; fate and destiny.
When I was just a young girl, I'd believed that fate was the reason that I had been chosen to be something more than an orphan. I believed that fate had been kind to me, but I quickly found out that destiny wasn't as kind.
I believe that destiny was the reason why I was imprisoned in an eternal nightmare. Punished for crimes I'd never commited and forced to suffer for an eternity.
It shouldn't have been my burden to bear and yet, it was.
I was the one who had chosen to take the fall, so I was the one destined to roam the earth as nothing more than a stupid, mindless Titan.
One could say it was destiny, others might think it was fate. I believed that it was my own stupid decisions that lead me to being imprisioned on that stupid island rather than blaming it on something as stupid as fate or destiny.
So when I had the chance to live again, I took it without a second thought.
I wanted to believe that it was my decisions that led me to join the 104th Cadet Corps. I wanted to believe that it was my decision to meet everyone I had!
But when I made that decision; that agreement to help her and to put my life on the line! I felt helpless in the same way as when fate had me dangling on a string.
I already know that it's stupid to look back and want to change things, so I don't. I put everything into today so that if tomorrow didn't arrive, I wouldn't be disappointed with the life that I'd lived up till that point.
I used to think that the scariest thing in the world was falling asleep and never waking up. I mean, the thought of dying was scary enough, but living in an inescapable nightmare was easily worse. I guess that's why waking up from nightmares has become something of a regular occurrence for me.
My entire body was burning yet at the same time it felt numb. My bedsheets were damp with sweat and though I could barely recall what I'd dreamt about, I didn't care to try.
While most nights I'm unable to recall my dreams, it's even more rare that I'm able to recall a nightmare. Maybe it was because I knew that they were nothing more than figments of my imagination, but after escaping a waking nightmare you tend to become detached from the dreams you have each night.
Though I'd usually fall right back asleep on nights like these, tonight I found myself rather awake.
Bright blue eyes flashed in my mind. While I initially thought of Christa, I knew for a fact that the little blondie didn't have eyes that blue. In fact, I was fairly certain that eyes that blue were almost impossible to come by.
So then why was the next person to come to mind (Y/n)?
I was almost one hundred percent sure that (Y/n) did not have as bright blue eyes as the ones I'd seen, but at the same time it made sense.
"Ymir?" a certain (h/c) harried girl voiced, "what are you doing here?"
The room was rather dark, and I wasn't sure how I'd made my way over to where I was, but it seemed that I had made my way over to (Y/n)'s assigned bed. It was almost funny how in this room of perhaps a dozen cadets, I had walked over to just the person I was thinking about.
It wasn't immediate, but I noticed that (Y/n)'s hair clung to her face, as did her clothes. If I didn't know any better, I would've thought the girl had just taken a shower. (Y/n) also had her hand wrapped tightly around the locket around her neck and her face looked rather pale. I chalked it up to the moonlight which streamed into the room and her strange habits.
"I... I need you to do something for me." I lied, "I need you to keep an eye on Christa tomorrow."
"Is this going to be a regular thing for you?" asked (Y/n), "because at this point it almost feels like you're trying to get Chrsta and I to become a couple or something."
Though I didn't particularly care for the dark, I thanked it this one time as it masked the blush I was sure had made its way onto my face. I couldn't exactly tell her that I just happened to walk up to her bed in the middle of the night for no reason, but I never would have expected her to say something like that!
"Well, it's either that or we switch positions in the commander's long-range formation or whatever." I huffed.
In a moment where I'd come to expect the (h/c) harried girl to laugh, she instead went quiet.
(Y/n), usually such a naive and carefree girl, was becoming less and less the person I knew and more like... nevermind.
"You really care about Christa..." (Y/n) murmured, "why?"
For once, I was at a loss for words.
Why did I care for Christa so much? Was it because I saw myself in her? Because I pitied someone who only lived to please others and would even disregard their life to do so? Or maybe... just maybe... I was jealous of what he had with her and knowing that she would never feel the same about me, I decided to feel that way about someone else.
"You know, I don't think there's anything wrong with asking for help." I stated, not realizing that I was brushing stray hair from the girl's face, "so I'm doing just that; I'm asking for help."
I left before I had a chance to see (Y/n)'s reaction. In fact, the only thing that was on my mind as I walked away from the girl was how her skin had burned against my own and how I didn't mind it.
---
(Y/n) P.O.V.
I'm not sure if there's ever been a time where I've really liked plans. Sure, they kept things organized and gave people a good sense of what was to be done, but in a world as crazy and unpredictable as the one I lived in, following plans to a tee wasn't always easy.
As much as I was sure that Commander Erwin had carefully thought through his Long-range Scouting Formation, and I was fairly sure he thought it through quite well, it felt too specific.
Too meticulous.
Too easy to break down and fall apart.
While Commander Erwin was someone easily trusted by his allies, he was quite a formidable enemy. Though I respected him for being able to use what little technology they had developed to create a strategy for long distance travel, I disliked Erwin himself.
Perhaps it was because Erwin reminded me of a certain Miracle Boy back home. I mean, I'd felt it the day we first met and even now as he stood ahead of the Survey Corps.
His presence was daunting to say the least.
"Assume Long-range Scouting Formation!"
Just as ordered, the Survey Corps split into the commander's meticulously created formation. The start of the expedition that would likely be my first and last mission as a Scout.
My stomach turned uncomfortably as I approached a small lot of buildings. Despite the fact that there were no visible Titans ahead, I couldn't shake the feeling of being watched. In hindsight I probably should have realised sooner that I was in danger, but I hadn't.
Instead, only the words of a certain shifty brunette echoed in my mind.
She wanted me to keep an eye on Christa. Again.
'I suppose she wants the person she loves to be safe. Feels like a lot more than you ever wanted.'
A certain voice sprouted from the back of my mind, taunting and teasing like a school bully. I told myself that they were lying and that what they said didn't affect me, but it did.
Was I really that inadequate? Was I really that... weak?
I glanced over my shoulder to gauge if I could see Christa from where I was or not, only to turn around and come face to face with a Titan.
Spitfire howled beneath me as I pulled her reins to the side. The two of us had managed to dodge the Titan's hand, but only just. The spare horse I had been traveling with wasn't as lucky and was flung into the air without a second thought.
Silently thanking whatever luck I'd managed to come by, I jumped off of my horse and latched onto one of the nearby buildings.
The Titan watched me with wide eyes, a sinister grin on its face as it stared up at me in excitement. Even despite the creature's expression, I couldn't help but pity the poor thing as it did its best to chase after me.
I wondered for a moment who this Titan might have been.
Were they a criminal? An innocent judged unfairly and sent to live in an eternal prison? Did they have a family? Would they be missed? Would I be missed?
I shook my head. Now wasn't the time to be thinking such things!
Despite the Titan being only seven or eight meters, it moved rather slowly. Without giving myself any more time to ponder, I maneuvered around the Titan and sliced its nape.
'What a poor creature. It almost looks as pitiful as you do.'
A voice I had once considered kind and warm became cold and cruel. It poked fun at me and reminded me of all my shortcomings as I stared down at the corpse in front of me.
I couldn't let myself become emotional; not at a time like this.
Just as I went to whistle for my horse, my shoulder was softly prodded at by a certain snout.
"She nearly got away," a rather cute voice chimed, "I barely managed to grab onto her reins as she ran past!"
"Thank you, Christa," I smiled, Spitfire continuing to poke at me impatiently. Suppressing the urge to laugh at the horse's rather clingy tendencies, I ran my fingers through Spitfire's mane before climbing back onto her saddle. "We should probably get back into position as soon as possible."
Christa nodded, though I noticed she looked rather hesitant to push forward.
"Is something wrong?" I inquired, "if you're nervous about the journey, I wouldn't mind traveling with you from here on out."
"Are you sure?" asked Christa, "I don't want to be a burden or anything!"
I shook my head, "I mean, you already helped me out a bunch by keeping Spitfire from running too far off. Besides, I doubt I'd be able to find the right position at this point, but we shouldn't fall behind."
The petite blonde pondered for just a moment longer before nodding her head.
As the two of us continued forward, I noticed that Christa continually glanced at me. It wasn't the type of glance that I considered creepy or anything. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that Christa looked nervous.
Perhaps it was the fear of going on her first expedition, but it always felt like there was something on Christa's mind.
I'm not sure if I've ever known Christa very well. Sure, while there's been the off time or so I've had more intimate conversations with the girl, the majority of the conversations we had never really amounted to much.
Christa had always been a rather quiet girl. She kept her opinions and thoughts to herself, though I noticed she always told others to do as they pleased. To do what made them happy.
I've never considered myself an expert, and I was certain others would agree with that, but I've always thought that Christa looked rather... lonely. That despite the fact that nine out of ten cadets from the 104th Cadet Corps knew of the girl, there was barely anyone who knew her well.
No one except for Ymir, I suppose.
While I didn't like to pry into others' lives, I've always been acutely aware of the fact that Ymir and Christa were close.
Perhaps it was because I always saw the two of them together or perhaps it was because Ymir had always expressed a rather explicit care for Christa's wellbeing, but it was one of the things about Christa I knew for certain. At least, it was something I had concluded through Ymir's own actions.
While I felt much closer with the shifty brunette than Christa, I was fairly certain that the amount of conversations I'd shared with either girl was about the same.
The difference... it almost felt... inexplicable. Almost like we'd lived another life together.
It only made me wonder more about what kind of person Ymir, and by extension, Christa, was.
"How do you-"
"Are you-"
Christa blushed as the two of us interrupted each other.
"Feel free to ask first," I smiled.
"Well I- umm... I mean, that Titan came out of nowhere!" Christa blushed as she turned away, "I was really impressed with the way you fought; and if it's alright to ask... how do you do it?"
"Do what?"
"How do you stay so calm?" Christa turned to look at me and I felt my head tilting at Christa's question. "Every time I see a Titan I just... I get so scared that I can't even move! It's pathetic, really. Even after working so hard and ranking among the top ten, I haven't even killed a single Titan."
For a moment I could have sworn that the person I was talking to wasn't the quiet and shy Christa I'd met at the 104th Cadet Corps, but someone else. Who that person was, I didn't know. Then again, it was a moment so short I almost thought I had imagined it.
Almost, but not quite.
"No one said that killing Titans would be easy. I mean, they're living creatures just as much as we are, so it's understandable that you'd be scared. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with being scared. It's only when that fear keeps you from completing what you set out to do that it becomes an issue."
"And that helps you stay calm?"
"I suppose it does."
Just as silence began to creep its way between Christa and I, a rather startled horse begins charging towards us.
It takes a lot for me to call the horse over and get it to follow behind me, but it wasn't quite as hard as it could've been. For that I was grateful, but a horse running away this scared didn't leave much room for interpretation.
Especially not the black flare that flew into the sky moments after retrieving the stray steed.
"Someone must be in trouble!" worried Christa, "we should help them... right?"
I nodded, "it's on the way. I don't see any harm in swinging by."
I was almost certain that at least one of the people we would run into would be someone we knew, but I wasn't quite expecting it to be Reiner, Armin and Jean.
The three of them looked shaken up; and Armin had definitely taken a beating of some kind.
"Hey!" Christa greeted the boys, "hurry up and get on! I think the right flank is in trouble..."
"Yeah... we know." Reiner replied, climbing onto his horse rather eagerly, "I'm so glad that the two of you went out of your way to check out our flare, but weren't the two of you in different rows?
Christa nodded, "yeah, but (Y/n) and I ran into some issues along the way and decided it would probably be better if we traveled together."
"Besides! The two of us had Jeans' horse. As much as I would've loved to take Buchwald with us, this was definitely the better option." I glanced over my shoulder and grinned at Jean, "she has your eyes, Jean."
Jean rolled his eyes, "in any case, we've got to get back to our stations. The order to withdraw will probably be given anytime now. Besides, she went in the opposite direction of the commander's squad in the front for some reason..."
"S-she?" Christa repeated, though it seemed her question went unnoticed. Instead, everyone's attention was drawn towards dozens of green flares coming from ahead of us.
"Green flares?" Jean wondered out loud, "then that means there was no order to pull out?"
Reiner shook his head nervously, "all soldiers supposedly have the right to decide whether continuing the mission is impossible, but don't tell me the commander's squad hasn't seen the flares!"
"At this point, I don't think whether or not the commander knows about the situation matters." I stated, firing a green flare into the air, "I believe that our best course of action right now would be to follow orders without any questions."
---
My shoulders felt heavy as I leaned my back against a tree. I almost wanted to close my eyes and pretend that I wasn't standing several meters above the ground with Titans eagerly pulling at the bark beneath me, but I couldn't.
I told myself that it was just the day's stress building up inside of me, but I didn't quite think that was the case. There was something else; something besides the cruel voices and paranoid thoughts which rang in my ears. Something about this expedition in general just felt... off.
There was nothing to be afraid of, right?
Absolutely nothing!
Not a single thing.
And yet, the feeling of fear continued to stir at the back of my mind.
"(Y/n)... is something bothering you?" Reiner wondered, "ever since the commander told us to stand guard at the edge of the forest all you've done is stare out into the distance."
I turned to meet the gaze of the hazel eyed boy.
While I wouldn't particularly say that the look on Reiner's face worried me, I'd also be lying if I said I wasn't worried at all.
He... wasn't really acting like his usual self.
It wasn't something I'd noticed right away, but over time I'd realised that Reiner had been acting differently. Not just different in the sense of how someone might change as they get older, but different where he didn't really feel like... himself.
Was it rude of me to think something like that? I mean, it definitely wasn't fair of me to judge Reiner so quickly, but I'd been feeling this way about him for a while now.
"I'm okay for the time being." I lied.
Still, there was something different. Something about how he talked and acted really reminded me of... nevermind.
I knew for certain it wasn't fair of me to compare the two of them. Not right now, anyways.
I wasn't there for them when it counted. I was the last person of the four of us to get to judge the others!
Even so, I couldn't stop the strange feeling in my chest as I looked over to Reiner once more. His gaze softened just enough for me to realise he'd seen through my lie.
Another thing he would've done if he was here right now.
"Well you don't really look okay." Reiner lamented, "are you sure there's nothing wrong? You know, you can trust me with anything."
"Trust you? I don't even know what it means to trust anyone anymore. I think at some point I might've but... but right now I'm not really sure..." I trailed off.
Reiner leaned in, forcing my eyes to meet with his. "Not sure of what?" Asked Reiner with a look of concern on his face. I wasn't too sure if that concern had been genuine or not but I couldn't focus on his words when his eyes were saying something else. I had always known Reiner's eyes to be hazel but right now they suddenly seemed so much colder. Like gold that had yet to be smelted. The green in his eyes suddenly weren't reminiscent of fresh grass but rather poison as it seeped into its victims.
I suddenly felt stuck in place. As if a snake had wrapped its body around me and was slowly tightening its grip. Ready to go in for the kill. I wasn't sure when this fear had started to seep in but I just knew that it was suddenly taking its hold. Suddenly I couldn't tell if Reiner's gaze was a kind or predatory one.
"I..." I couldn't seem to form any words, the saliva in my mouth suddenly going dry. Reiner had placed a hand on my shoulder, something that he might've done to reassure me but it only caused me to stiffen. Was he trying to warn me? Why was his grip suddenly so strong? Had I stepped over a line I shouldn't have?
Why was I so scared?
"It's alright." Reiner's voice was soft for such a big guy, "I think I understand what you mean. It's hard to know what people you can and can't trust. Especially in a situation like this. Heck, I barely even trust myself. I'm so scared to make a mistake, especially when I know the lives of my comrades are on the line."
"What are you talking about, Reiner?" I asked.
"Aren't we both talking about trusting our feelings?" Reiner curled his head curiously, "I mean, personally, I try not to let my feelings affect the way I act too much! But sometimes I just need an outlet. So I'm saying you can trust me with your feelings-!"
BOOM!
Everything happened so fast.
Cannons fired deep within the heart of the forest. Every soldier was on high alert while the Titans below seemed rather unaffected, and then I saw her.
Amber eyes peered up at me curiously. There was only one person I knew who had eyes of that colour, but they were someone I thought I'd never see again; and this definitely wasn't the way I wanted to.
The room was vaguely familiar though nothing was all that detailed. I couldn't tell if the walls were plain or decorated with wallpaper; not that it mattered though. The dresser with the three photos on top were too dark to see but familiar.
I sat on a seat, though my legs didn't reach the floor and the chair beneath me wobbled as I struggled to look over the table.
An older girl sat opposite me hunched over what I assumed to be sheets of paper. She scribbled frantically, with the ferocity and intensity of one who was running from titans, as if her life depended on it. Strands of the girl's hair fell into her face though were ignored as she continued scribbling.
The girl's presence was a warm one despite her apparent troubles.
"Mawie! I wanna play." I turned to either side to see who had spoken those words but quickly realised that it was me who had spoken. My voice was higher pitched than it currently was and my pronunciation was a clear indicator of my young age.
Marie stopped, sparing me a slight glance as she replied, "why don't you go outside and play with Mr. Elliot's daughter?"
'Where am I?' I wanted to ask, but the words didn't come out. Instead a pout pulled at my lips as I exclaimed a bold, "but I wanna play with you!" It was becoming more and more blaring that I wouldn't be able to control anything right now.
The older girl sighed, placing her pencil firmly onto the table; it was the type of thing someone did when they were irritated.
She let out a sigh of annoyance, "I have to finish my work before Papa returns home."
"But you're not doing it wight now."
"Well there's this little bug who seems insistent on annoying me." her voice clearly indicated that she was annoyed but her eyes held a glimmer of amusement. Young me clearly hadn't caught on to that glimmer in her eyes as a feeling of sadness overwhelmed my chest. I had taken it like a scolding.
As children we weren't often scolded and when we were they weren't harsh. The harshest scoldings hadn't been from any familiar figure but rather the instructors that slapped our wrist when we were out of place. Despite there being no visual difference between us, they looked at us as if we were dirty animals. Their gazes were predatory and left me scared.
I now wonder if they were just as scared as I had been.
Like children when they reach out to touch a small class pet, their small little hands tremble as they hold the life of another. While the children are scared of getting bitten the animals are scared of the inevitable fate. Them, like small school children, scared of the animal that might bite them; and us, like the animals scared of the life they didn't understand that they hold. So unaware of the power that they hold. I wonder now if I'm the animal or the child?
Small animals had never been a luxury that my family would afford. While my father ranked highly in the military, animals had never been something that my parents wanted to inconvenience themselves with.
There were many things that I knew I would've enjoyed when I was younger but didn't get the chance because of our circumstances.
Toys, for one, were a prime example of things that we didn't get lots of. Perhaps a teddy bear on a birthday or a handful of blocks but nothing extravagant.
I recall a beautiful wooden red train that I saw in the window of a store I knew my parents would never enter. It's carvings were interciate and beautiful. Golden paint coloured the sides with what I knew to be letters, despite not being able to read. Dark black lines detailed the wheels and wood shaved down and painted made the coal of the engine. Lots of time and effort had gone into the toy I knew I would never be able to have.
My sister was quick to notice my fixation on the toy but I quickly turned away.
Even as a child I knew not to burden my parents with something as simple as a want. I didn't want them to even think that I wanted that toy.
My sister was always quick to notice how I felt. She was always very aware of my feelings and actions, especially right now as she stared at the sheets of paper in front of her.
She was quick to spot my dejected look after her comment. Thinking back now, I knew it to have all in good fun but back then it had shattered my world. As children we never mean to be a nuisance, we just don't know better.
"What if I play with you after I finish my work?" Asked Marie, an apologetic smile on her face.
"But you're always sleepy after school work."
Marie opened her mouth to say something but her words were suddenly inaudible to me. I could see her lips moving but it fell on deaf ears. The lighting of the room was suddenly getting dimmer and it seemed as if I was getting pulled further and further away from her!
I knew that right now might not have been the best moments of my life but something told me that I didn't want to go back to where I was before!
The familiar walls of my childhood home had disappeared, returning back to what they were before. Nothing but a memory.
The not-so-subtle rumbling beneath my body was probably the reason I woke up so quickly. I could only assume that I, as well as the entirety of the Scouts, were headed back to the safety of Wall Rose.
"(Y/n)," a familiar voice echoed, the black haired girl sparing only a moment to glance at me. "You're awake."
I moved to sit up in the carriage and looked around. Horses traveled on either side of me, but that wasn't the reason why I felt my heart suddenly drop.
To my side, just behind Mikasa, I noticed that Eren was lying down. He looked exhausted and a little roughed up but was otherwise okay. What might have brought me comfort before now made me anxious.
What was going on?
What happened to Annie?
"Mikasa..." I wondered out loud, "what happened back in the forest?"
Mikasa looked hesitant to elaborate, most likely wanting to focus her attention on the brown haired boy beside me. She looked nearly twice as exhausted as I felt.
"The Female Titan managed to defeat Eren in a fight and nearly escaped the forest with him, but thanks to Captain Levi we were able to take Eren back." Mikasa turned towards me. I couldn't tell if the look in her eyes was annoyance or concern as she continued. "I overheard one of the veteran soldiers informing Captain Levi that you were burning up with a fever. It wasn't very wise of you to come out on this expedition if you weren't feeling your best."
It wasn't for very long, but I think the look in Mikasa's eyes softened.
I've always wondered what made the gears inside of Mikasa's brain turn. While many would go to say that it was her care for Eren that pushed her forward, and for the most part it was true, I've always felt as though there was more. Not to say that Mikasa didn't care for Eren, of course! In fact, being able to express your love for someone... it was something I- nevermind.
I guess what I really meant was that I never expected Mikasa to be vulnerable in front of anyone aside from Armin or Eren.
Perhaps it was human nature that made Mikasa seek out company at a moment like this or perhaps it was because I was a familiar face, but there was just something slightly different in the way Mikasa spoke.
It wasn't quite as caring or as soft as when she talked about Eren, but there was a sort of way she spoke that was different from how she usually talked; one that I hadn't particularly heard her use before but made a warm sort of feeling sprout in my chest.
I ignored the feeling completely. Not particularly because I wanted to but because I knew I had no other choice.
"I guess I just wanted to be a soldier... even if just for a few hours."
---
Edited: (14/08/2021)