MY STORY
I didn't skip gym. I participated in a game of badminton, although I had to admit I hadn't tried at all. I would swing and not even come close to hitting the birdie. What was the use in trying, I had already failed this class.
In English, English Coach wanted us to write an in class essay on a life changing moment. Maybe it happened to us, maybe it didn't, but he wanted to know this life changing moment, whoever it affected directly, how it affected us.
I looked down at the paper then back at English Coach. He was studying some papers on his desk. I didn't have anything to write, nothing to let out, because I was just empty. A pen with no ink can't write words. So I scribbled a sentence down on the paper and handed it to him. He looked at the sentence then back at me with confusion.
I repeated the same sentence on the paper, my words echoed empty around me.
Me: "This would be a better story if I were dead."
Because I was the one that should have died, not Ainsley.
English Coach: "What do you mean?"
Me: "If I were dead, there'd be a better story on your desk. But I'm not the one who's dead, so it's not my story. So I can't tell it."
I turned and walked away from his desk, not waiting to be dismissed.
English Coach: "Hold up, Freya. Who's dead?"
Me: ". . ."
I shrugged. It was like asking who's alive. The answer changes constantly and quickly.
I walked away not giving a second glance back to the very confused English teacher. He wasn't going to get a well detailed story on a life changing moment. I went to a funeral, but it wasn't mine, so he wouldn't know.
Maybe if I had explained the story someone would understand. Maybe Ainsley's mother would know why her daughter committed suicide. Maybe Andy would understand why he won't see his big sister again. But it wasn't my story, I wasn't the one who died. So I'm not going to feel guilty, at least not completely.
I know I could have changed the out come. If I had helped Ainsley she might still be alive. But I hadn't made her overdose and I hadn't forced her to go to that party. She had done their things, so I wasn't going to feel completely guilty. If anything Kayla had forced her to go to that party, not me.