"In Which Reality is a Catchy Beer Song"
(Pt. 3)
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September 13
11:45 AM? (Seriously, I gave up for now)
Dining Terrace, Belle Mont Prep
Complete and utter silence. This, right here, is a perfect face-palm moment.
"Is it just me that thinks it's a work of genius?" comments Jhett the Intellectual, breaking the silence.
"Not really, more like a copyright infringement,"* I mumble through my straw.
"A history about dicks? Count me in!" Tamieke coincides, and they high-five.
"Is that even allowed?" Kiana gently inquires, breaking down their little party.
Tamieke shares a look with Joule.
Joule sighs, "She has a good point."
Tamieke grins knowingly at him, "Bitch, I know you want it, too."
Joule rolls his eyes and smirks.
"So, Sushi. You were saying something?" Tia gets back to the point.
Sushi's eyes widen, "Oh! I just got held up in some media arts club activities, so I didn't get to attend Japanese Studies. Speaking of which, I heard there was a quiz and a seatwork in Microeconomics class. Did you take them, Tams?"
Tamieke shrugs. "Didn't have to. Coach got the entire team excused for practice."
"Same," Jhett nods in agreement, but "the pool water stuck in my ears was worth it!"
"Me, neither," I add.
Tia shoots me a narrow-eyed look, "What do you mean 'neither'? You're not on the team – or in any team, for that matter."
"Nope" — I say, popping my lips — "but that doesn't mean I have to attend the class."
Here it comes, in 3... 2... 1.
"Ave, you promised"—
"Just kidding, mamita.* Geez, cálmate, por favor. * I did attend —I just slept through it," I hold back a yawn, remembering the sheer drudgery of being in class.
"Why were you sleeping? You don't sleep. You're wired like a horse," Tia says, unconvinced.
"I had a rough night," I mumble, fiddling with my straw.
"Ooh," Tamieke and the 'mos resound.
"Not like that, you dirty-minded freaks. Seriously, all you slutbags think about is sex," I grumble through my brookies, stuffing myself with its chocolatey goodness.
Tamieke tosses me a knowing look. "Henny, can you blame us? We're teenagers with raging hormones, what do you expect?"
I digress with a shrug. I had to give him that. Besides, I wasn't exactly high up on moral grounds to judge.
"Fine," — I roll my eyes at the expectant expressions surrounding me, waiting for me to state my reasons — "I got held up on some club-thing."
"Speaking of clubs, since today's Friday..." Jhett wags his brows, jiggling his shoulders and leaving the rest of us to fill in the gaps.
My shoulders flinch. Fuck, today is FRIDAY?!
I zone off, barely catching on to a few words from Jhett like 'new', 'opened', and 'town'.
Joule's jaw slackens. "I can't believe it! Like an actual club here in Averill?! You didn't tell us your families were taken over by extraterrestrial life forms!"
Like any other town, ours also has its own council that functions as a legislative body. It's mostly made up of the town's founding families' heads and largest estate owners. Four families, in particular, hold most of the decision-making power. They are the Bryers, the Jerricks, the Richards... and the Darrells.
Emile laughs like a hyena as if the very notion was the silliest thing he's ever heard this morning. "Joule, please. In the Bryer family, money talks louder."
Jhett nods in agreement, rubbing two of his fingers with his thumb. Well, that explains where the Orson family stands as well.
Kian holds her phone over the table, the screen showing an IG post of what looked like the perforated steel interior of a hip nightclub.
BANG! BANG! Tamieke strikes the table with a ketchup bottle like it was a gavel, calling our attention. "Children, you better have your fake IDs, because I do declare, after Drag Race, we are going out tonight!"
The 'mos share a look and suddenly break into a song-and-dance number around the table:
"We're here, we're queer,
We also like beer.
We're here, we're queer
Give us some free beer."
"Hold up, queens" — Tia interrupts, clapping her hands — "you do know we're having Tequila, right?"
"No duh, but it's just so catchy," Jhett reasons, still swaying his hips like the rest of the 'mos.
Even Kiana was mouthing off to the chant, snapping her fingers in the air.
"Keke," Tia groans.
Kiana shrugs, "It kinda is."
Meanwhile, the 'mos continue their singing, inviting every eye to our table — and by that, I meant everyone.
"Shush, you Mistresses of Conspicuous Misdeeds" — I butt in, and by some miracle they did — "save that shit for Pride Month.* I don't need somebody tattling to my aunts."
"Oh-kay!" — Tamieke raises his hands — "First of all, hakuna your tatas.* Literally. I can see a glimpse of your white privilege* from over here," he moves his hand across his chest.
I tug my shirt higher.
"Better. Second, we don't have Pride Month here. The town council made sure of that. Third" — he faces Tia this time — "Tea, we are having tequilas along with an assortment of other drinks, but it's just too catchy to pass up. If you can make up a good rhyme for gays and tequila, feel free to share."
"Lastly, Rebel, henny"* — he turns back to me — "you're being paranoid right now. Your aunts don't know nothing while you're here."
Tia snorts. "Tell that to sweet Blithely. Her mum and Ave's aunts always share an afternoon tea. I'm sure they'll appreciate any dirty sordid news from that toshy* little snitch."
"Thank you" — I nod — "have I ever mentioned how I love your version of swearing?"
Tia blows me a kiss.
"Lighten up, Tia. Last I've heard, Blithely and her twin won't be back from the Hamptons* until next week," Joule remarks as a matter-of-factly.
"That doesn't stop her floozies from spreading the word," Tia sniffs.
"Fine," Jhett is first to relent, quick to stop, what might possibly be, a heated debate. "But, only if Ave here actually joins us."
"I dunno, I have some stuff to work on," I say, considering it is Friday.
"Uh-huh-m" — Tamieke grunts — "you make it sound like you tied the knot with the club through a blood compact or sump'n. Honey child, you better not be joining no cult," he wags his finger in warning.
I roll my eyes. "It's not a cult, ma. I'm-doing-it-for-extra-credits."
"Oh, I'm sorry" — Tamieke cleans his ear and leans towards me, cupping his ear — "I thought you said you were doing it for extra credits."
"I was."
"Since when did the words 'you' and 'extra credits' belong in the same sentence?"
"Just now. And, I also have a job," I point out.
"Right, the 'job' with the bears"* — Jhett nods, air-quoting with his fingers — "come on, Rebel. It's been ages since you've been out."
"Make that close to never now," Joule adds.
Emile eagerly bobs his head, jiggling his butt in front of us. "Yeah, give that booty a chance to shake her thing again!"
The other mo's join in, twerking one by one then pointing at me. Tia claps her hands to the beat, while Kiana is content in filming them.
"C'mon, Ave. Shake that booty again!"
"Guys, I can't " — that dampens their dance. I continue — "but, I promise next time, I'll go."
Sounds of disbelief and protests soon follow.
"Oh-kay, bitches. Just chill" — Tamieke calls their attention then turns to me — "you better, chile. Or else, we're kidnapping you anyways, and you're gonna be footing a giant-ass bill of booze enough to host a Mardis Gras* on a Fat Tuesday.* And, trust me" — he narrows his eyes in emphasis — "you don't want drunk-ass ratchet* gays sneaking into your house and giving your frigid aunts a heart attack."
I snort. "Ha! Like I wouldn't pay front-row seats for that! But, I believe the word you were trying to say was 'abducting', not kidnapping."
"Says the actual half-German here" — I stick my tongue at him —" I just wanted to clarify some specific details I can tell the Five-O's* once they put me on the court."
"Ooh, chile, look at you throwing some low-key shade.* Like I don't need no other reason to be in jail for being black," he cackles until it eventually subsides into an ironic sigh.
"Half-black" — Joule silently sips his soda — "not that I am disregarding your maternal African-American heritage, just pointing out your genealogy."
"Phylicia from Pennsylvania, Philadelphia says otherwise," Tamieke points out.
Joule shrugs in agreement.
Nobody says no to Phylicia a.k.a. Tamieke's mom — or disagrees with her. I mean, come on, where else did our big lovable 'mo get his lovable sass?
"Hold that thought"— Emile glances at his Rolex and squeals. He excitedly taps on the table and turns to Jhett — "come on, Tildy. We gotta go before we're late, late, late!"
Unless Emile was a vampire, the 'mo* moved fast for a human. One moment he was sitting, and the next, he was standing a few feet away from our table.
"Since when have you ever been so eager for class?" Tia asks suspiciously.
"Since we have Human Geography," Emile sing-songs.
We all stare at them disbelievingly. No class could ever get these two so aroused.
"The main teacher has been sick since the first day so today's the official first day with the sub," Jhett explains.
Emile swoops in. "Pecs, abs, dicks, and boo-tays!!! The whole body-mapping experience — if you know what I mean," he winks in his brand of homosexual laughter.
"Should we tell them what human geography really means?"Kiana whispers as we watch both 'mos sashay away to what they think to be an R-rated class for the male anatomy.
"We could" — I say thoughtfully and glance at Tia — "being good friends and all..."
"But times like these, you have to give them tough love," she finishes for me.
"Something tells me we might be seeing another Expectation vs. Reality post after this," Tamieke groans, pocketing his phone.
We glare at him.
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QUIZ TIME: What was the most embarrassing thing your friends ever did in public?
Mine is probably them living since most of the time something embarrassing always comes up (not that I don't love them for it! I do love them - please don't kill me^^)
What about you?
Write down your experience below in the comment section - and maybe what you thought of this chappie?
P. S. Scroll further down below for a short sneak-peek of my next chapter: "In Which Reality is an Unwanted Call to Adventure".
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*[F/N]*
Copyright Infringement — refers to the title of Emile's play which has the same name as Titus Andromedon's (a fictional character from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt ) self-written screenplay.
Mamita — a Spanish endearment friends and families use to address a female friend or family member with love and affection.
Cálmate, por favor — a Spanish phrase meaning "calm down please."
Pride Month — a month dedicated to celebrating LGBTQ+ communities all around the world. It is manually held in June to honor the 1969 Stonewall riots.
Hakuna your tatas — slang for "calm your tits."
White privilege — (in Tamieke's context) refers to Ave's white boobs and boob privilege in general.
Henny — a drag queen slang meaning "honey".
Toshy — British slang for "rubbish or trash."
Hamptons — The Hamptons is a group of towns, villages, and hamlets concentrated on the eastern end of Long Island in New York state. The seaside region is notably associated with celebrity sightings.
Bears — a gay slang used to describe a husky, large man with a lot of body hair.
Mardi Gras /Fat Tuesday — refers to events of the Carnival celebration, beginning on or after the Christian feasts of the Epiphany (Three Kings Day) and culminating on the day before Ash Wednesday.
Ratchet — a slang meaning "to act in a dysfunctional or out-of-pocket manner; unruly."
Five-O's —a slang for police.
Shade — acting in a casual or disrespectful manner towards someone/dissing a friend
'Mo — Short for homosexual. Mainly used by the gay community when referring to each other. Rarely used as a homophobic insult.
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SNEAK PEEK
"Hey, hey you have a decent butt. We can still work with that. What if you jiggle your butt while you expose the scent of your womb in heat?"
SNAP! Tia cracks her knuckles.
Emile sighs. "Or just eat a horse's heart or something, anything that you women do to have straight men go putty in your hands."
"Huh. How about a 'no'?"
"On second thought"— he turns to me with a saccharine smile — "A-a-a-ve-y, my drop-dead gorgeous felon"—
I hold my hand up. "Nuh-uh, don't look at me. I already handled Crankston for you. I have reached my maximum quota of one for helping people. You're on your own this time."
"Tea-a-a-a-a," Emile whines helplessly.
"No," she says with a finality in her tone.
Emile pouts until his eyes spot something behind us that returns the gleam in his eyes. "Well, in that case, I'm sorry for doing this in advance!"
"Just what are you up to?" Tia asks, her round eyes thinning in suspicion.
"Remember, you love me!" he says, when out of nowhere, he pushes Tia into the ongoing student traffic.
Tia lets out a surprised yelp, both her arms flailing out.
We all send Tia alarming looks. Scattering around and moving forward, we all try to grab her.
And just like that, time curiously slows down and silence drops in for the second time.
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Copyright © 2017 Lei André