We spent some time making love before Gerard and I released. Gerard is now laying on the bed, most likely asleep from the exertion. I get off the bed and head for a shower. I wait for the water to heat up before I step inside. The warm water glides across my skin. I close my eyes and lean my head into the stream. I run my hands through my hair a couple of times before massaging shampoo into it. I continue to wash myself, ridding myself of the anger I had yesterday. It's funny how just hot water and soap can make me feel like a different person completely.
I step out of the shower and I begin to dry off. I wrap the towel around my waist before heading into the bedroom. I get dressed and I look over at Gerard who's still laying there. I decide to leave him be, I'll go get my stuff and let him sleep. I know my mom will be there and I know she's going to be pleading for me not to leave. It's going to be hell but I have to get it done.
I pull on a coat and my gloves and I quietly leave. I breathe in the cool air as I make my way to my mom's house. I watch the cars pass by and all the people going in and coming out of the beer store as I leave the sketchy neighborhood area for a different neighborhood with a different type of sketchy. The walk home is familiar but the butterflies in my stomach from anxiety of going home aren't. I see my house, the peeling paint, the dead grass lawn and the fading black door. I must've stood outside my house a million times but never has it felt so unlike home. I don't live here anymore and I can feel it in the pit of my stomach as I make my way to the door. I knock on it and wait. It's weird having to knock on the door of a house you once called home. It's a decent looking place, almost looks like it could be owned by a happy family. I guess you could say that for most of the homes in this town. A lot of the kids here come from broken homes and it hangs in the air, haunting us all. Affairs, abuse and addiction float through the streets here, tearing people apart and destroying the things they love most.
The door opens and my mom stands aside, letting me in. I breathe in the smell of cranberries and cigarettes as I walk upstairs to my room. I take a look around. What do I need? What can I leave? I pick up my CDs placing them in a bag on my bed. My mom already started packing it up for me, a couple of piles of clothes are folded on my bed, my dressers are empty. The rose that Gerard had brought me has wilted but remains on my bedside table. I pick up the bag off my bed and start stuffing as much as I can into it. I never thought about having to get it to Gerard's I'll have to carry it all back while walking. I get all I feel like I need packed up and I look at my old room. I close the door behind me. When I walk down the stairs, my mom is at the bottom with her arms crossed.
"What?" I ask, trying to push past her.
"I don't see why you have to leave," she replies, her voice soft.
"I'm 18 and I can do what I want. I don't need to explain myself to you and I no longer need your approval," I try to stay calm but my voice shakes with anger. My mom slaps me, the sound echoing through the room and the pain taking a few seconds to set in.
"You are my baby! I don't want you to leave!" She screams, her voice cracking as tears start pouring down her face. I move away from, getting closer to the door.
"I'll tell the school about your extra curricular affairs if you leave," she says. She's really blackmailing me, wow. I drop my bags on the floor.
"What is wrong with the parents in this town? Breaking their family apart, ruining their lives and their kids lives without even thinking about it. It feels like a fucking ghost town here during holidays because everybody fucking gets away because it's such a fucking hard place to be when your family's a mess," I whisper. I turn and face my mom.
"I'll stay but you have to fucking realize that I'm only staying to protect Gerard. I'm not staying for you." I walk over to the couch and sit down. I swing my legs up and pull out my pack of cigarettes. I start smoking in the house and my mom pulls it from my mouth.
"If you're going to disrespect me anyway, you can get the fuck out. I don't want to deal with more of your bullshit. I won't tell the school about Gerard on two conditions, you call me once a week and visit every holiday without Gerard," she bargains. I take my cigarette back and place it between my teeth.
"Deal." I pick up my bags and walk outside. I start walking back to Gerard's as the sun starts to get covered by clouds. It's either going to start raining or snowing and I'm still almost twenty minutes away from the apartment. Fuck. I start to jog but give up because I can't fucking breathe and run at the same time.
Snow starts falling from the sky and I'm thankful it's not rain, it would've made it a lot harder. I finally get to Gerard's apartment building and I make my way upstairs. I open the door, seeing as it's not locked. I see Gerard pacing and shouting at someone. The rage in his voice makes my blood run cold and my heart stop. He shouts something and hangs up. He throws his phone to the ground and squats down, holding his head in his hands. He screams and starts crying. I walk over to him and start rubbing his back.
"What's wrong?" I ask, letting him know I'm here, in case he hadn't yet noticed.
"My dad called... It wasn't good... Mikey didn't go to their thanksgiving... And they... Wanted to know where he was... Then he just called me a bad person... I don't wanna talk about it..." He says, taking deep breaths and sniffling between words.
I start rubbing down his arm and his thigh. He stands up and I stand up with him. He grabs my face in his hands and kisses me. He lifts my shirt over my head and drops it to the floor. I wipe the tears out of his eyes and wrap my legs around his waist, he moves his hand under my thighs to hold me up. He walks me to his room and lays me on the bed. His hand moves between my thighs and starts rubbing my skin. His hand runs over the growing bulge in my pants, teasing me. I moan at his touch. I touch his chin, tilting his head up. He clicks his tongue.
"You shouldn't have done that," he whispers, biting his lower lip and getting off of me. I sit up as he opens his closet, pulling out a roll of knives.
I know what he's going to do and it feels like the first time, the excitement and build up, the fear that installs itself in my mind. He pulls out a blindfold and ties it behind my head, pushing me bak onto the bed forcefully. My pants are tugged off of me and my boxers are taken off immediately after. Cold metal touches my skin, just above the ankle. The blade is pushed into my skin as it traces up my leg, sending shivers to course through my body. My hair stands on edge as the knife moves closer to my crotch, my body tensing up. I screw my eyes shut and bite my lip. I'm at my most vulnerable right now, unable to see what's going on, having to rely on my sense of feeling.
I feel his hand grip my other thigh as the blade moves up, gently stroking my hard on as it moves to my waist. I feel warm breath on my neck before I feel his lips just below my ear.
"You'll be a good boy, right? Or am I gonna have to whip you too? Or I could spank you, or tease you," he whispers in my ear, tracing the tip of the knife around my nipple. It moves up even higher before it's pressed into my neck just enough to cause my heart to skip a beat and my breath to catch in my throat. I feel him climb over my, straddling my waist, his thighs pressed into my sides. The knife disappears from my skin and I hear it clang against the floor. I feel Gerard moving above me, probably taking his shirt off or something. I feel his lips on my neck, his tongue tracing circles on the skin. He begins to doing intervals of sucking and biting and licking my skin, moving to different places on my neck and chest and below my ear. He moves down, lowering himself between my legs, biting at my hipbones. I hear a zipper and denim dropping to the floor. His fingers touch my thigh, gripping it tightly before I feel him push into me. I tilt my head back and let my mouth fall open, a moan growing at the back of my throat and escaping my lips as he pulls out slightly and slams back in.
"Faster," I plead but he doesn't listen. He continues moving in and out of me at a slow pace, teasing me and torturing me. I bite my lip and grab a fistful of sheets in each hand, groaning in agony.
"G-Gerard... Please," I moan, arching my back and running a hand from my cheek down my chest, wanting desperately to touch Gerard but knowing I would get punished if I did and this is bad enough, the slow movements, barely stroking me. A fire begins to grow in the pit of my stomach, somewhere between wanting more and wanting to touch myself. That's probably off limits too, he's trying to wind me up or he wouldn't be doing this. I start to squirm, moving my legs around and running my hands over my skin and tugging my hair, pleading for him to stop teasing me. I hear a quiet shaky breath come from Gerard's lips before I feel him push in deeper, as he speeds up. I groan loudly, finally getting what I wanted. I tighten my legs around his waist and I feel his body heat radiating from him as he gets closer to me. His lips meet mine, giving me a kiss before falling open, a soft moan tumbling from them. I lift my hand and touch his cheek, holding his face close to mine as our tongues, greeting each other hungrily. He tilts his head up and out of the way as he groans, my lips trailing down his chin until he's out of reach. My hand falls to his shoulder and my fingertips press into his skin. I feel a line of drool fall onto my skin as Gerard lowers his head into my shoulder, his face cradled against my skin. I feel him screw his eyes closed and hold his breath for a second before letting out a loud groan and coming. His movements are jerky as he releases. I feel him panting into my shoulder, the sound echoing in my ear. Seconds later, after feeling Gerard's sweat slicked skin press against mine, I come. My heart is pounding out of my chest as Gerard undoes my blindfold, and gets out and off of me, laying by my side. Gerard's skin is sticking to mine and I can hear his heavy breathing over mine.
"Could I maybe paint you right now? I want to capture you in this moment," Gerard says.
"But I'm sweaty and a mess," I reply. He turns towards me, propping himself up and moving a strand of hair off my face.
"But right now you look so... Amazing," he marvels over me.
"Fine," I laugh, shaking my head from side to side. He gets off the bed and pulls on a pair of boxers. He jogs out of the room.
"Are you coming?" He calls from the living room. I pull on my pants and leave the room.
"Sit there," he says, pointing to the table.
"Like on it?" I ask, needing clarification.
"Yes." I walk over to the table and sit myself on top of it. I cross my legs and look at my feet.
"Perfect," he mumbles. He pulls out an easel and a canvas and a plateau with paint. I look down at my feet, kicking my feet around.
"Stop moving," Gerard instructs.
"I can't help it," I reply.
"Why not?" He asks.
"I feel like you're noticing all my shitty flaws." He sets down his paintbrush.
"Look here, Iero, I'm not gonna lie and say you have no flaws but have you seen all the fucking amazing things you have to offer? Your eyes could melt hearts and your smile could cure fucking cancer, your voice could command an army and people would have a war just on who could get to hold you in their arms at night and kiss your skin, and I know that you have that little scar near your eyebrow, I don't see it as a flaw though, I see it as a trait," he says, moving closer to me, he grabs my face and tilts it towards him, forcing me to look up at him. I swear to god his eyes twinkled as his lips curved into a smile as he pulled away. I look down, feeling awkward and he goes back to his painting. I try to stay still but I start fidgeting some more.
"Be still," he laughs. I try my best to stay still while he continues painting and after a couple of hours, he announces that he's done. I stand up and walk towards his painting. I check it out and my jaw drops in amazement.
"Wow," I whisper. "That's amazing."
"Thanks," he smiles. I tilt his head towards me and I kiss him.
"Now lets let that dry a little and watch a movie or something," he offers. I nod. We move over towards the couch and he wraps his arm around as we sit. He puts on a random movie and we begin to watch it. I only pay a little attention to it as my mind runs over everything that has happened in the past couple of months, thinking about what I've done, who I've done, why I've done what I've done. My head begins to pound as thoughts pass through my mind.
"I never got the chance to say what I was thankful for yesterday and I wanted to let you know that I'm thankful for you," Gerard speaks up, his voice cracking as he says the last half of the sentence.
"I'm thankful for you too."
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