I was awake extra early for school. I showered, made myself a decent breakfast and even had time to just lounge around for a few minutes before leaving, but I know why I'm awake and moving faster than the world. My anxiety has double since last night.
Making out with Athena is the highlight of these past two years of hell I've gone through, but I knew with kissing her would come negative effects. I'm scared and nervous for several reasons. And I think I'm more scared of her and how she's going to treat me from here on out.
I don't want it to be awkward between us. Nor do I want it to be uncomfortable or forced. Now that the impossible has happened, what happens next?
As I got closer to the classroom, my heart started beating faster. I was half-listening to Tommy, completely tuning him out at one point. He was making my anxiety spike even more.
We walked into the classroom to see Athena wasn't here yet. My heart returned to its normal rhythm.
I sat in my seat, still hearing Tommy rambling about God knows what. I was close to telling him to shut the hell up until Athena walked in. I watched as she placed her computer bag down on her desk. She's back in her professional clothing, preparing her stuff.
I took a deep breath, getting a grip.
There's no reason to worry so hard.
When the final bell rang, everyone was already in their seats. Athena took her place in front of the room. Her eyes jumped around and I noticed she didn't even look at me. It made me sink in my seat.
She spoke loudly, "Good morning everyone. I apologize about missing class yesterday, I was running late. We're going to continue where we left off on Monday."
I sighed softly to myself, trying not to make it seem like I'm actually annoyed she didn't give me any sort of attention.
Stop acting like a baby Nova. We're in school.
She started her lecture and I watched her. She's a completely different person when teaching. Yesterday she was Athena. Today she's Ms. Frost. It's weird how I get to see that side of her that's supposed to be personal. No one else does. No one is aware that it exists. Most of us don't think teachers have a real-life or personality outside of school.
Never in my life did I ever imagine myself liking a teacher, let alone making out with them. I can't imagine how Athena actually feels. She's probably embarrassed and disgusted with herself. Putting myself in her shoes, she probably feels perverted.
It's not like I'm a child though ...
My thoughts were making me sad and extremely uncomfortable. There's nothing I wanted to do more than hide. I know Athena stole glances at me whenever I wasn't looking. At this point, I couldn't bring my eyes to watch her and listen to her lecture. My anxiety was starting to really take over.
My palms were getting clammy and I felt my shirt starting to stick to my body. I took a few deep breaths trying to put myself at ease. The last time I had an anxiety attack was ages ago. When I was younger I couldn't tell the difference between me getting angry and me having an anxiety attack.
Now it's more defined and definitely more annoying.
I shuffled in my seat trying not to make too much noise. Athena and I made eye contact as she was speaking. Her facial expression twisted into something different. I couldn't read the emotion. I was honestly too busy trying to ground myself.
She continued to talk and slowly started to walk down the column of desks. She stopped next to me and gently placed her hand on my shoulder. I almost grabbed it, but quickly remembered we're in class. I could feel several eyes on me. Including Tommy's.
She bent down toward my ear and whispered, "Take the bathroom pass and take a walk."
I nodded. She moved her hand and kept walking. I didn't want to get up just because I'm dreading the unwanted attention I'm going to get when leaving the class even though I'm sure I already have some of that. I guess she noticed that I was on the verge of losing it.
I got up as silent as I could and walked over to her desk to grab an orange pass from the stack that was already sitting there. I quickly left and took a short stroll around.
I tried to limit myself. It'd be rude to come back into class when it's almost over. I didn't want to miss too much even though Tommy would've surely had my back.
"I need you to come by during lunch," Athena said quietly.
I was standing at her desk while people were rushing out of class. I managed to sit through the rest of the hour, but it was a little painful.
"Okay," I responded. "Sorry for—"
"It's okay," She cut me off. "I could see your face twisting and turning. I knew something was up."
How embarrassing.
"It was that bad?" I asked.
"I can clearly tell the difference from you being normal to ... not normal. Have a good rest of your classes, Ms. Jolie."
I quickly caught onto what she was doing, though it feels so weird and sounds weird too. She never treats me like a student. I don't think she's ever really treated me like one from the beginning.
I cleared my throat, feeling slightly exposed, "Uh, thanks. See you."
I went through the rest of my classes just waiting for lunch. When it did come around, I couldn't really eat. Honestly, I didn't want to waste any time.
I took a deep breath before knocking on Athena's door. When I knocked she didn't miss a beat. She opened the door, brushing her hair behind her ear and brought her eyes to me.
"What a surprise," I said. "You were already up?"
She smiled, "I was throwing some papers away. Come in."
I walked inside. Her smile surprised me a little. Am I the only one feeling a sense of dread? Anxiety? How is she managing to smile right now?
I heard her approaching me from behind. She came into my view when she leaned up against the side of her desk. I cleared my throat and forced my sweaty clammy hands into my pockets.
I was in no mood to sit down. I brought up last night's scary event at the library.
"You okay? About the ... attempted robbery?"
She replied, "Oh, um ... yeah. It ... flew out of mind actually."
Same. How could anyone think about that when something else much more important happened.
"Well ... are you okay?" She asked.
"Honestly? I ... I've been very anxious. Since last night," I answered. "But it's not cause — um ... It's not cause of you, or anything."
She sighed deeply, "Nova, I want to apologize to you. And I mean really apologize. I seriously crossed a major line last night and ... I shouldn't even have this job anymore."
Her voice shook with each word. I know she's being genuine, but it hurts me. How do I tell her that line being crossed was the best thing to happen to me in a long time.
I shook my head, "Don't say that."
"It's true. Nova I kissed you. I don't even think it's a good idea for you to be in my class anymore."
My heart dropped into my stomach and I took my hands out of my pockets, "What? Athena, it's not that bad. Please don't switch me out."
"It's not that bad?" She repeated. "Do you hear yourself?"
"I liked it. I like you," I admitted. "I ... I don't care that you kissed me. I mean I do, but I don't. In fact, I want to kiss you again."
Her eyes were wide. Mine are ready to pop out of my skull. I can't believe I just said that out loud. She may just switch me out of her class for sure now.
My word vomit wouldn't stop. I guess that's a sign of keeping too much to myself.
"I know this is wrong. All of it is, but I guess I don't care as much as I should. That kiss made me really happy, but it also made me really scared and confused? I guess I just wanna know what's going through your head ... please."
She shifted uncomfortably, "Nova ..."
"Why did you kiss me?" I asked, desperate for an answer. "Just give me that much."
She sighed, obviously frustrated, "Because ... I don't even know. Something came over me."
I started to get frustrated with her clearly going around the bush, "Do you like me?"
"Nova—"
"The least you can do is be honest with me."
She shook her head, "Being honest will make this worse."
"You should've thought about that before you kissed me," I said sharply. "Your plan was to just not explain yourself?"
She scoffed, "It wasn't my plan. None of this was my plan. I'm glad you think I have a grand scheme here,"
I got closer to her, "Your plan was just to apologize then? Great plan."
"Being sarcastic isn't going to help this situation."
I narrowed my eyes on her, "You're making it too easy to be."
She sighed, dropping her head into her hand. I think I deserve the truth and nothing less. It's not like I made the first move and owe her an explanation.
She picked her head up, but her eyes snapped to the door. I looked back, trying to see what happened or what she saw. I looked back at her.
"What happened?" I asked quietly.
She looked super suspicious, her eyes were still on the door, "Nothing ... thought someone was looking through the window of the door ... but I guess not."
"Well, it's not like we're doing anything out of the ordinary."
"Hmm ... yeah ... anyways ..."
"Anyways, do you like me?" I repeated.
I'm not going to stop asking until she answers me.
She rolled her eyes, "Yes, Nova. I ... like you more than I should and that isn't good. And it's not because you're a bad person or anything like that. It's because I can literally get thrown in jail for this. This is a direct abuse of power. You're my student!"
I ignored everything she said, focusing on her confession, "Wait ... so you do actually like me? Wow ... plot twist."
"Did you not hear me just now?"
"Yeah, I heard! You like me. I mean, I'm not even that special ... you sure you aren't lying?"
She slapped my arm, "Not that. And stop talking about yourself like that. You're great and need to stop thinking less of yourself."
There was a silence that fell between us. It was slightly uncomfortable for probably the first time ever. We both just admitted some scary things ... but I don't know. At least I won't have to lie to myself anymore.
I broke the silence first, "What do we do?"
She shrugged, "Nothing ... nothing is better than doing anything in this situation."
"I ... don't want to do just nothing," I mumbled.
She folded her arms, "We don't really have a choice. If you want to stay in my class ... you have to respect that."
The cursed ultimatum.
"I'm not the one who made the first move. Practice what you preach," I smirked.
She rolled her eyes and went to sit down on her chair, "Remarks like that doesn't make me feel better about keeping you in my class."
I sighed then, feeling sad, "Fine, I'll ... respect it. Thank you for being honest with me."
"Thank you for not ratting me out," She responded. "Or blackmailing me."
"Why would I do that?" I questioned, a little offended. "I'm not some creepy asshole."
She shrugged, "I don't know. People are ... jerks sometimes. Not saying I wouldn't deserve it though ..."
I glared at her, "Do me a favor and hold me to higher standards already."
She looked caught off guard by what I said. I mean, it's true. I have no reason to blackmail or be some sort of threat to anyone's life. Why would she even say that?
She apologized, "I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean it like that."
I suddenly felt annoyed by her super low expectations. I should be happy that Athena likes me, but now that I put it into perspective, I'm not all that happy. If anything, I'm more frustrated than ever. I can't act on this new knowledge and neither can she. This is the weirdest stalemate ever and it sucks.
"It's fine. I'm gonna go. I have ... stuff to do," I said, excusing myself. I quickly turned my back on her and started to walk away.
"Nova, wait—"
"It's fine," I quickly grabbed the door, opening it enough for me to get through.
Athena Frost admitted to liking me. I don't think I really believe her. I find myself running around in circles in my head. It's clear that she's trying to cut off the personal relationship between us. I can't do anything about it.
If I want to remain in her class, then it has to be this way.
I'm not sure what I was expecting today. I try and make myself feel better with the simple thought of it could've been much worse. She could've switched me out of the class this morning and not said anything.
I knew indulging in my emotions would probably make things take a bitter turn, but I also didn't think it would ever get this far.
Kissing Athena was a mere dream two months ago. Now it's a reality. One I don't know how to handle.