I walked the halls without my trusty curly-headed pain in my ass by my side. Tommy's not here today so I have to truck it through the school day by myself. It's not really a big deal to me since Tommy is really the only person I talk to anyway.
I don't mind being alone and not having some sort of friend group. In college, I'll make up for that. I don't plan on being to myself in college unless I have to be.
I see Athena from a distance, in black jeans and a white button-up shirt. Her hair is up in a ponytail. Seeing her right now fills my heart with joy. I've missed her over the weekend. Since we didn't even get to talk Saturday morning I've been looking forward to seeing her today.
I have her spare house key in my pocket, tied with a super-thin purple string. I fixed my clothes as I got closer, hoping to look presentable.
Athena's eyes searched around in the opposite direction. She settled in folding her arms and dragging her eyes around my way. It didn't take her long to spot me. I could feel my heart smiling under her stare.
Her eyes flickered across me. I almost looked down at myself to make sure there wasn't anything weird going on with my wardrobe, but when I saw her eyes come back to mine, it made me question what she was doing.
Did she just check me out?
Before I reached Athena, Willow cut directly into my path and tore my attention away.
"Nova, hey," She greeted. "I wanted to ask you something."
I faked a smile, really wanting to just go inside the classroom, "Oh, um, sure. Go ahead."
She spoke softly, almost so soft I could've sworn I didn't hear her for a moment, "There's a party this upcoming Friday night. I ... wanted to know if you'd like to come with me? As friends."
"Party? Whose party?"
"One of my friends — it's a house party. I'd like if you came too."
"Um ..." I could feel Athena's eyes on me. She can definitely hear us too. "I mean, I guess? I don't really care for partying at the moment ... so ..."
Willow frowned, "We haven't hung out in forever. The only person you've been hanging out with is Tommy. Bring him too if you want."
I sighed, giving up, "Yeah — sure. I'll go. Let me know specifics or whatever."
"Yay! Okay, I'll text you then!"
She gently touched my arm before leaving.
That actually exhausted my patience.
Athena spoke, teasing me, "A party Ms. Jolie? You're on the popular side it seems."
I scoffed, "I'm really not. I mean I'm not trying to be."
She smirked, "Yeah, I can tell. You're not one for much social interaction."
"You know me now?"
She laughed, "I have eyes you know."
"Ah ..." I got closer to the doorway. "You watch me."
She hummed, "If not me then who else?"
I smirked because she's right. Ever since school started she's been the one helping me get out of sticky situations.
She spoke quietly, "You can drop it off during lunch."
I nodded, realizing she was talking about her spare key that I've kept safe all weekend.
I made it to my seat and looked over at Tommy's empty one. I actually miss him and his snarky comments, but I won't ever admit that to him.
Class started. Athena was walking around, lecturing. My eyes followed her when they could. My heart was fluttering in my chest whenever her eyes landed on me and I noticed that happened often.
I wonder if she realizes how many lines we've crossed. Very illegal, bold lines. She and I have little to no boundaries at this point. It doesn't scare me much on my end, but that's because I can't really get in trouble for this — she can.
But why did we get this far? When I think about it, it's all pretty wrong. Spending the night at my teacher's house. Constantly seeking her out because I want her attention. Fantasizing about her from time to time ... what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm treating her as if she's some kind of friend. Maybe this is where my mistake lies. At the end of the day, I don't want to put Athena's job in jeopardy even though she is her own person and she can take responsibility on her part too.
She can easily tell me that there needs to be a tremendous amount of space between us and that sharing personal information with each other is forbidden, but do I really want that?
Do I really want Athena to shut me out and place me back in the category of just another student she has to pass?
I can't lie to myself any longer and say that I don't have feelings for this woman. Lately, I've been pushing it to the back of my head and ignoring these growing feelings, but I don't think I can any longer. I can't afford to think the wrong things and make the wrong move.
I don't even know why I feel the way I do about her.
Does she even like women? None of it would matter. None of it does. We can't be anything more than this.
All of these thoughts started to affect my mood. It almost feels pointless to even think about this stuff. Why am I worried about how I feel toward someone I can't even have? Someone who definitely doesn't feel the same.
There wasn't much I could do in class besides take notes and attempt to pay attention to the lecture. I tried to avoid any further eye contact with Athena afterward. I didn't even want to sit in my seat anymore.
When class ended I didn't waste any time leaving. It hurt me — not saying bye to her or even giving her the slightest bit of my attention. I know she was probably confused. I wanted to get away from my growing frustration and confusion. It's not like I can do that for long either. I have to give her back her key during lunch.
And when lunch came around, my emotions were more or less in check.
I knocked on her door and walked in. She didn't even bother to look in my direction. She was typing on her Mac. I got her spare key ready, playing with it in my pocket.
She closed her Mac as I stopped at the desk. She leaned back in her chair and looked up at me. I pulled the key out of my pocket and placed it in the middle of the desk. She didn't look down at the key or take it immediately for that matter.
We just stared at each other.
"Is there something on my face?" I asked curiously.
"No. I'm just trying to figure out what's wrong," She responded plaintively. "But I think I'd rather have you tell me when you're ready."
"Why would something be wrong?"
She finally looked down at the key and took it, "I don't know if anyone's ever told you, but it's very obvious when you're upset."
"I'm not upset," I argued.
She hummed, something I notice she does a lot, "Is everything okay?"
I shrugged, "Yeah. I guess."
"Are you excited about that party Friday night?"
I almost forgot I even said yes to that.
"Uh, no, to be honest," I sighed.
"Then why'd you say yes?"
"Because ... I don't know. To get her out of my face I guess."
"I did that a lot during college. Said yes to a lot of things I didn't really want to do. Learning how to say no is powerful."
"You gonna tell me I should learn how to say no?"
She folded her arms and pursed her lips, "If the shoe fits."
I scoffed and took a spare chair. I placed it in front of her desk and sat down. I took my bag off and placed it on the ground.
"Tell me what's on your mind," She said invtingly.
I shrugged, feeling the words I want to say swim around in my chest and stomach. I want to say exactly what's on my mind, but I'm scared. And I don't know why I'm scared. Maybe it's best not to bring any of it up if I feel that way.
"You first."
"I guess all of this. My current job ... and how I'm totally taking major risks. Jason. Moving away from family,"
"You moved away from your family?"
"Yeah, I did. I miss them — sometimes. We weren't really on the best of terms ... but ..." She drifted off.
"I get that. My family is just ghosts to me at this point. Just my Dad and I."
"And your Mom?"
"Dead," I said under my breath.
"Oh ... I'm so sorry. I didn't—"
I quickly cut her off, "It's fine, really. I spent a year in therapy for it."
"Wow ... I imagine that was extremely hard. Rest in peace to—"
"Nova Jolie," I finished. "The original."
She raised her eyebrow, "You're named after her?"
I smiled a little, "Yeah. It was my Dad's idea. I think she was too sedated to care at that point."
She giggled, "That's actually so precious."
"Yeah ... things definitely change after a death like that. Changed a lot of things."
She leaned forward, playing with the key in her hands, "I don't want to imagine. Grief can really do a number on you."
"Do you ever — have you ever. Have you ever started feeling things for someone you shouldn't have?" I asked, changing the topic.
Her eyes snapped to me, "You mean, liking someone I shouldn't?"
"Yeah. Like ... your boss or something. Best friend's boyfriend or ex — stuff like that."
She chewed on her bottom lip for a few seconds before answering, "Yes and no."
"What do you do in a situation like that?"
"Well," She sighed. "I guess it depends who the person is. The situation. What's at stake? Is there a possibility of it ending up really bad or awkward? Do you have anything to lose?"
"Okay, but what would you do."
"Probably nothing."
"That's helpful," I replied sarcastically.
She chuckled. I smiled a bit. Maybe she doesn't want to answer my question because she knows it pertains to her or maybe she just doesn't want to steer me in the wrong direction.
Maybe.
"Where'd you go Saturday morning?" I asked, remembering how she fell asleep on my lap.
"Oh, I had an appointment that I completely forgot about. I didn't want to wake you. You looked peaceful curled up on the couch," She teased. "You're also a super heavy sleeper."
I rolled my eyes, "I mean — I was tired. All that adrenaline and anxiety took me out. I don't even remember falling asleep for that matter. Your couch is amazing."
"Thanks for not losing my key," She smiled. "I was skeptical about leaving it for you."
I arched my eyebrow, "What could I possibly do with a key to your house?"
"It's not you having the key that I'm worried about. It's the possibility of you losing it. I'd much rather give you a key than Jason, though."
What a backhanded compliment.
"Oh yeah, because that counts for something," I rolled my eyes.
She sensed my bitterness rather quickly. I mean, it wasn't exactly the nicest thing to say. Comparing someone to your ex? Turn off.
She sighed, "I actually wanted to discuss something with you. Something I should've brought up a while ago."
I perked up, listening as hard as my ears can.
"It's ... not right that we're ... I don't even know how to say this," She sighed.
My heart was pounding so hard in my chest.
She started speaking again, "I'm your teacher. I have to stay your teacher for your sake and my sake. I know our circumstances have been a little different, but there are just things that aren't right."
I felt my stomach drop. Even though I've been thinking about this for a while, I guess I didn't expect it to actually happen. It seemed like Athena was never going to bring this up. It just hurts hearing it from her more than me thinking about it.
I could feel my facial expression changing. I couldn't stop my lips from turning into a thin line.
"Do you understand?" She asked softly.
My throat felt dry and I didn't want to answer her. I forced myself to, "Yeah."
She looked down at the key in her hands, "This is my fault. I should know better than to put you in danger — to put myself in danger."
Silence fell between us. She honestly doesn't have to say anything else. I'm not even sure I could take anything else she has to say.
A knock on her door made us both snap our heads to the sound.
"Athena! It's ... Jason. I don't know if you're in there ... but if you are, can we talk?"
Me and Athena looked at each other with wide eyes. She quickly got up out of her seat and I followed her, not knowing what to do. My heartache quickly turned into panic.
Athena quickly dragged me to the back of the room. The problem with this room is that there are no hiding spots, really. Our only hope is the left side of the room's small inward wall.
I pressed myself up against the wall and made myself as flat as I could against it. I could easily peek out a little and see Athena adjusting herself and walking to the door. Luckily the door is on this left side too, this way he can't see me at all.
Unless he somehow ends up in the middle of the room and turns in my general direction.
This is terrible. I've already met Jason and I've met him as Athena's "friend". If he were to see me here with her he's going to figure out that I'm actually just her student. And there's no telling what he'll do with that information.
I heard Athena open the door.
"Jason — you can't keep popping up while I'm at my job. I'm working," Athena said sternly. "I could get in trouble for this."
"I know, I know. I was in the area, alright? I just wanted to talk," He said. "I wasn't gonna talk to you in front of your friend Friday night."
"So you thought coming to my workplace again, was a good idea?"
"You don't pick up your phone, Athena. You don't reply to my texts either. What am I supposed to do?"
"I don't know, leave me alone? I'm busy. I have students to look after and teach. Lessons to plan. Bills to pay. I can't deal with you or this."
"That girl — that's your new thing? Is that why you refuse to give me another chance?" He said. "Who is that anyway?"
"What? No, Jason. She's not my new thing. Even if she was, it's none of your damn business who I'm seeing."
He scoffed, "I'm just asking cause I know you like girls and all. You can tell me if there's someone else."
She likes ... girls?
Athena's voice took on a completely different tone in a matter of seconds.
"There's no one else Jason. I'm gonna tell you this for the last time. Do not show up here ever again. If you show up especially without telling me I will have you arrested the moment you even think about stepping foot near this school."
"Athena—"
"Get out."
Silence again. I didn't hear anyone move so he's definitely still standing there.
"I won't say it again, Jason."
"So that's it?"
"You've had several chances to save our relationship. It's too late."
The bell ending lunch rang. It seems he finally gave up and left afterward. I heard the door slam. I moved from the wall and let out a deep breath I didn't even know I was holding.
When I got closer to Athena, she didn't look happy at all. In fact, this may be the first time I've ever seen her with such a grim expression. She looks angry but hurt. She barely looked at me.
She folded her arms, "Sorry about that."
"It's okay — how were you supposed to know he was gonna show up here?"
"Yeah," She quickly brushed the topic off. "I just need to get back to work."
"Right," I mumbled. "Um, I'm gonna head to my next class then ..."
She didn't say anything else to me. She just walked back to her desk and started fixing things — which I assume is for her next upcoming class.
We didn't even get to finish our conversation.
I quickly left not being able to stand that tension. My heartache quickly comes back, reminding me of the reality of all of this. She was basically trying to tell me that all of this shit we got involved in together has to end.
I walk the now crowded halls with my guard up, searching around, making sure I don't see Jason anywhere. I'm not sure where he could've gone so fast, but if I was getting rejected like that I would probably run out of here as fast as I could too.
I sigh sadly. I can't help but feel like this is my fault. If I wasn't always in trouble with something Athena wouldn't be in this position right now. If I didn't start developing weird ideas about her this wouldn't hurt.
I find myself feeling happier about coming to school just to have our time together. Just to see her. Now, what do I look forward to?
God, what is wrong with me?
I guess this is the final nail in the coffin. This is what needs to happen. This way it's no longer dangerous for both of us. I don't even think I'd be able to live with myself if Athena were to get in trouble and lose her job.