I woke up super late this morning. I shot out of my bed and threw on the grey hoodie that Athena gave me. It was the only thing I could put on fast enough besides a sports bra, a tank top and some jeans.
I can't even remember when I went to sleep last night. I haven't overslept like this in ages — at least to the point where I couldn't even hear my apocalyptic sounding alarm.
I completely missed first period. It didn't bother me too much just because I get to start out my day sitting in Athena's class first. I'm not even sure why I get excited to be in this class. Is it just cause I get to see Athena? That thought doesn't even sound right.
I yawned while walking with Tommy to class.
"Are we still working out today?" Tommy asked. "We don't have too ya' know. We can reschedule for tomorrow."
I rubbed an eye, "I'll be fine. I've worked out in even worse conditions than this."
"Suit yourself, macho man. Where'd you get the hoodie? It's nice."
"Uh ... it's a friends," I lied. "Kinda couldn't find anything else this morning. I was in too much of a rush."
We started walking down the hall to Athena's class, except this time around she was standing at her door, marking and greeting students who walked in.
Well, this is new.
"I guess she's doing attendance early today," Tommy said. "I hope my future wife is as hot and ethereal as her."
She's wearing a black shirt and jeans with heels again. Her hair is down and pulled behind her ears. She was looking at her clipboard until she looked up. Her honey brown eyes landed on me.
I shot her a small smile. I could see she wanted to laugh, probably because I'm wearing her hoodie. Instead, she shook her head and looked back down at her clipboard, marking it with a pen.
I could see her lips curving upwards.
Weirdly enough, I felt butterflies in my stomach.
"Did you see that? She smiled at me," Tommy said quietly. "Wow."
I smirked at his delusion, "She's so into you. You should ask for her number after class."
He shoulder checked me, "Fuck you, Joe. A guy can dream."
I laughed to myself, letting him get in front of me right before reaching Athena.
She looked at him, "Good morning, Tommy."
"Morning Ms. Frost," He said as he walked into class.
She then brought her attention to me, "Good morning, Nova. That's a nice hoodie."
I chuckled, "Yeah, thanks. I uh — missed first period. Overslept. Didn't have anything else to throw on."
She shook her head, "I'm not judging. Are you ... feeling better?"
"Um, yeah. I think. I wanted to apologize for yesterday, by the way. I didn't mean for that to happen."
"You say sorry too much."
I shrugged, "Sorry."
She hummed and I felt just a bit awkward standing there with not much else to say. I left her at the doorway and made my way to my seat next to Tommy who seemed to be waiting eagerly for me.
That reminds me that I have to tell him about staying away from the Circle unless he wants his ass kicked.
"What was all that about?" He asked leaning over to me.
"What? You mean Ms. Frost?"
He scoffed, "Uh, yeah dick head. Who else?"
"Ms. Frost has my file," I said. It's not exactly a lie, but it's not the entire truth, but it's enough to get him off my ass.
He looked a little surprised when I said that. He was the one who told me about the school cracking down on counselor meetings and stuff. I guess no one really expected them to go this far though.
"Yeah. Those shit heads really did it," I confirmed. "I can say it again if you like."
"Fuck Joe ... that's a little much don't you think?"
"Considering my circumstances I don't have a choice, but to let it be."
"True ... does she have my file?"
"I don't know," I answered. "Unless you have a record of an apparent mental illness I don't know about. Or a violent pattern."
"Good point," He said.
"Another thing. You're not allowed to go back to the Circle. You go back — I can't help you then," I warned.
He nodded, not saying another word. I guess he got the message loud and clear.
Class started after the final bell. Everyone got ready to take more notes. I had my stuff in front of me, slowly zoning out into my thoughts.
Athena's voice became clear to my ears again as my eyes followed her every movement. I don't think I've ever been captured by someone so much before. She's not like the other teachers here in school. She's different, her aura is different.
There's a part of me that still isn't sure if I should trust her fully or not. I have to remember that her position is important to her. I mean, it would be important to me too. I'm sure if she had to choose between me or her job, she'll choose her job.
Class finished an hour and thirty minutes later. Tommy and I packed our things and got ready to go.
"Can I ask you something?" Tommy said while slinging his bookbag around his back.
"Sure," I answered, curious.
"So it's true you have like ... an anger disorder?"
I took a deep breath, "Yeah. It's true. I guess."
"Ah ... well, that makes sense now. You know—"
"Losing my mother made it worse for a while," I cut him off. "I spent years rejecting it because I didn't believe I had a problem, but ... I guess I have a problem. One I've had since I was a kid."
"Accepting any illness or disorder can't be easy. So I commend you for getting yourself out of denial," He smiled. "Good job, Joe."
I smiled, "Thanks."
"See you at the gym later?"
I put my messenger over my shoulder, "Absolutely."
He didn't wait up for me. I waited until a few more students left the classroom to get Athena alone before leaving, but she got her keys and got up from her desk herself.
"Oh, you heading out?" I asked.
"Yeah, I forgot my new planner in my car," She sighed. "That and my phone charger."
"Oh, okay. I'll see you ..."
"Are you coming by for lunch?" She asked.
I shrugged, "Maybe."
We walked out of the classroom. She locked the door behind her and said goodbye. It hurt to watch her walk away. I found myself wanting to just sit in front of her like I usually do.
My mood began to dampen as I walked to my next class.
Maybe I should stop being around her so much. There are boundaries that are in place between us even if it may not seem like it. She has work to get done and so do I.
Lunchtime came around and I barely wanted to eat, but I forced myself too. I found myself wandering around the school, not having much to do. Tommy and I have separate lunch periods so I can't even hang out with him.
I passed by Athena's classroom door and saw something from the corner of my eye through the window that made me backtrack.
It was Athena and a man with short dark hair who was a few inches taller than her. He's clearly not a teacher here because he had a bouquet of flowers in his hand. From what I could see Athena didn't look impressed. She actually had her arms folded and her body language said it all.
I stare for a little longer feeling like a creep, but also feeling shitty.
Athena had looked my way through the window. I quickly moved and went down the hall in another direction. As soon as I got around the corner I heard a door open, which was most likely hers.
Is this man her boyfriend? An ex trying to get her back? Maybe he is a teacher, but word about a new teacher gets around fast here. I feel my stomach turn. That made me really uncomfortable and a little ... bothered? Jealous? Of what? She's just Athena Frost, a high school government teacher.
I continue walking down the hall. My mind is now racing with more questions and assumptions.
✸✸✸
I dropped the dumbbells on the ground and immediately started warming up my lower body with squats. I felt Tommy's eyes on me and it was making me more agitated.
After the twentieth squat, I looked up at him and put my arms up, "What? What is it? Why aren't you working out?"
"Joe you haven't stopped since you got in here. You alright?" He said walking around me.
I sighed heavily and watched him, "I'm fine. I just want to get a good work out in."
"Alright then ..." He said as he began stretching his legs.
I was here before Tommy, already working on my shoulders and back. Today is an everything day. The only thing about days like this is that everything is sore afterward, but today I could care less. I need to blow off some steam and fast.
I continued to work out, ignoring Tommy's occasional stares. I felt the burn in my body. My sweat had pretty much stained my clothes. I tied my hair up and drank an entire bottle of water I bought from the vending machine in mere seconds.
I watched as Tommy started with sit-ups. My mind went back to what I saw earlier. It started making me more upset. I wiped myself with my towel, getting most of my sweat.
I realized Tommy's hand was waving in my face, "Nova. Earth to Nova."
I slapped it away, "What?"
He shook his head, "What the hell is up with you right now? You've been all ... moody and shit. What happened today?"
What is wrong with me? Why am I letting Athena get to me? She hasn't even done anything wrong to me. She does ... everything right.
I stared at the calluses on my hands, "Nothing happened. It's just ... one of those days ... I guess."
"Maybe you should take it easy then," He suggested. "Before you hurt something."
I stood up, getting eye level with him, "I'm not new to working out Tommy. I'm fine, alright?"
I walked around him, leaving the gym to go buy another bottle of water from the vending machine. I made it there, hearing someone's footsteps nearby.
When I looked, it was the devil herself. My heart sank into my stomach and I quickly looked away hoping she didn't notice me.
I tried to keep my head down and angle my body away from her. The tapping of her heels got closer and closer. I quickly typed in the code for water on the keypad of the machine.
"Nova?"
I slightly jumped and quickly shot around, "Ms. Frost? What're you ... still doing here?"
She narrowed her eyes on me, "My job is never done I guess. You tried to stop by today?"
"What? No," I answered quickly.
"So you weren't at my door today?"
"I mean, yes, but I saw that you were busy, so I left."
I heard the water slam to the bottom of the vending machine. In those quick seconds, she capitalized on my answer. I quickly realized there was no getting out of this one.
"Good thing I ran into you then. Is everything alright?"
"Everything is fine. Don't worry about it."
Tense silence. She tilted her head and stared at me harder.
"Something's wrong," She stated. "If you don't want to tell me that's fine. Sorry I couldn't get to you today."
I shrugged, "It's whatever."
"Right ... I'm gonna be in the room. Enjoy the rest of your workout." She walked away from me.
I sighed in frustration and grabbed the water bottle from inside the vending machine. I opened it with force and chugged half of it.
Goddammit.
After finishing the new water bottle, I went to Athena's classroom. Her door was cracked open a little. I looked to see if anyone was around. It was clear, so I walked inside.
She looked up from her Mac and looked over at me, "I thought you said everything was fine."
"Everything is fine," I said sternly. I walked to a desk in front of her's and leaned against it. "What? You knew I'd come?"
She shrugged, "Maybe."
"You teachers know everything, huh?"
She smiled, teasing me, "You need to learn how to take a joke."
I folded my arms, "Jokes are funny and that was not."
"Why are you so tense all the time?" She asked leaning back in her chair.
I arched my eyebrow, "I'm not always tense. That's not true."
"Right, right," She got up from her chair and walked in front of her desk. She leaned on it, mimicking me. "How's your workout?"
I noticed her eyes scanned my body quickly, making me feel shy.
I tried to normalize myself under her stare, but I couldn't, "It's fine. Just blowing off steam and staying fit. Everything okay with you?"
"Everything is fine — for the most part."
"So ... who was that guy earlier? He looked familiar," I lied. I really just want an answer.
"Familiar?" She repeated suspiciously.
"Yeah, I mean, he looks like an old teacher of mine."
"Well, he's not a teacher," She sighed. "He's ... someone that was close to me."
I nodded, feeling my stomach turn again, "Right. Well, I hope everything is okay."
"Can I ask you something?"
"Depends," I replied.
"That's a scar on your eyebrow, right?"
I touched my scar subconsciously, "Yeah. I don't purposely cut my eyebrow hair, if that's what you're wondering."
"I couldn't tell. It's such a clean scar."
"Yeah ... It is," I agreed awkwardly. "It could've been a lot worse."
I felt the tension between us again. For some reason, I wanted to close the gap between us.
I wanna know what she's really thinking. Why does she keep entertaining me? It's killing me.
"I should go," I stated randomly, breaking the heavy silence. It was just too much for me.
She spoke softly, "Nova, everything is okay, really. There's no threat here. Relax ..."
I stared at her, then becoming aware of my really heavy breathing. How did ... she know? Maybe it's just really obvious with me breathing like I'm ready to croak.
"I-I'm So—"
"Don't apologize," She put her finger up. "I think I'm sick of hearing those words from you."
I almost said sorry again right after that. I had to swallow it and take a deep breath.
"Do you suffer from anxiety?" She asked.
"And paranoia? Yes." I answered.
She eyes me curiously, "How come? The paranoia part."
I thought about all the things that happened to me over time. I think about how my Mom just got sick out of nowhere and died, reminding me how easy it is for life to flip upside down. Honestly, who wouldn't be paranoid after that?
"Athena, you don't have to be my therapist," I paused. "Like, it's not your job, you know? Don't stress yourself out about my ... issues or whatever."
"I'm taking that as a really weird compliment. I guess I'm just trying to understand you better so I can be more ... educated about the situation. This is my first time having students and technically I'm supposed to look out for you guys in whatever way I can."
For some reason, her words bothered me. It sounds like she's saying she's keeping a close eye on me because she knows about my ... disorder. I don't even feel comfortable thinking that word.
I shook my head, "So you can be educated? Just say you're afraid of me flipping out."
"Nova, that's not what I was trying to say."
"Sure sounds like it. You're not genuinely interested you're just nervous like everyone else around here."
She stepped to me, "Nova, I'm not scared of you."
Here we are. Close again. Too close. I can almost feel the fabric of her clothes touching my bare skin.
"I'm just trying to help," She added. "It's sorta in engrained in my nature."
"You're too curious," I mumbled.
She rolled her beautiful eyes, "I should drop your letter grade every time you tell me that."
I called her bluff, "Maybe you should."
We held eye contact. I felt my body shiver. This is ... turning me on a bit. She cleared her throat and backed away from me. She must've felt that thick gravitational pull too. I swear I was choking on it that entire time.
"I'm paranoid because I don't trust a lot of things," I said randomly, trying to bring her attention back to me. "Nothing is steady. People are unpredictable. Life is ... unpredictable."
She sighed, sitting herself on top of her desk and crossing her legs, "I understand that completely. Being a senior doesn't really help either, huh?"
"Yeah, exactly. I've just, uh — gone through a lot in a short amount of time. I keep my guard up."
"It's okay to let it down though. Sometimes."
"Well, I mean I try that — with you."
She nodded, "I know. I commend you for that, really. Even though you're still suspicious about me. It's cute."
"Cute?" I repeated, feeling insecure.
She smirked, "It's cute that you're trying even though you still don't trust me. It's not like I saved your ass Saturday night and made you breakfast."
A small laugh came out of me, "Yeah, but you didn't take me out on a date first, so ... not sure if it counts."
She hummed and suddenly I felt better. There was a twinkle in her eye.
"She reveals her standards," She teased a little. "I wonder what she'll reveal next."
I rolled my eyes. I quickly remembered that I left Tommy in the gym all by himself. I should probably head back before he goes off and tries to look for me. I even left my phone in my gym bag.
"Um, I have to go," I said quickly. "I may or may not have ditched my gym partner ... by accident."
"Oh, I'm sorry. I assumed you were working out alone," She said shooing me off. "Go, go back. I have to sort out work anyway."
"Um, bye," I said awkwardly. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
She smiled, "9:30 AM sharp."'
"9:30 AM sharp!" I yelled as I quickly ran out of the classroom.
My heart is pounding in my chest and not because I just bursted out into a sprint. Every time I talk to Athena a new emotion surfaces within me and I don't know how to feel about it. It's scaring me and making me a little uncomfortable because her and I aren't on the same playing field.
It's been a long time since a girl has made me feel that way. Even worse because I can't tell anybody about it. It's too risky and this is a secret I'd rather keep to myself anyway.
Maybe I should lay off of seeking her out so much.
I can't fuck up my last shot at graduating.