The strong smell of alcohol hit me the second I stepped foot into the building, that was packed with people. My eyes had to adjust to the lighting, and it took a bit more time than it usually did, due to the flashing lights that illuminated the otherwise dark place every few seconds.
Just as I have predicted, it was really loud inside and I did my best to resist the urge to protect my eardrums by covering my ears. I liked music, it was something that was deeply and closely connected to one of the things I loved most - dancing, but this was way too much. The walls were practically shaking at the volume of the sound waves, that the big speakers placed all around the place produced.
Taking a deep breath to collect myself, I looked around the room in hopes of getting at least a little familiar with the surroundings. It was a little hard to see, due to the dimness that dominated, and only faltered at the streaks of light and lasers, coming from various places around. The number of people there wasn't exactly helpful either, and I could barely move around, let alone see.
Even though there were complications present, I could still make out a few things, the ones that were the most striking. I found out that the building I was currently in, seemed to consist of two floors and one big room where everything was present. In the middle, there was the dance floor and in front of it stood the Dj stand where the Dj equipment was placed, as well as the person operating it as he jumped up and down to the music. The Dj for the night seemed to be enjoying himself a lot, as his hands were thrown up into the air and he screamed for people to jump or dance throughout the song.
To the left, there was a bar where everyone seemed to be purchasing their drinks, along with the bartenders that surely had their hands full, considering the crowd waiting to be served was quite big. I was sure they didn't mind too much though, they must've got huge tips from one night alone. Besides, all of them were quite good looking guys and more than one girl has surely slipped them a number along the night.
The bar was illuminated with neon light strips that changed colors every time the tempo of the song changed. Behind the counter, there was a wall filled with bottles of alcohol and even though there seemed to be endless amounts of it, I was surprised they still had any left, considering everyone here seemed to be drunk out of their minds and still wanting more.
I was hoping Jungkook didn't spot the bar as soon as I did because even though we already got to the sex part of our relationship, that didn't mean I would be comfortable with his drunken behavior. He seemed to be doing well in the department of staying sober though, and I was really hoping this night wouldn't change that, but I knew it would be quite hard for him to resist, since it looked very inviting, even to me.
Deciding not to focus my attention on the one thing I feared the most, I looked to my right where there were a few booths and tables for people to kick back and relax after dancing their hearts out. There weren't exactly a lot of them though and as my eyes wandered the right side of the room further, I spotted around a staircase that led to the second floor.
My eyes shot upwards, following the railings of the stairs and landed on the platform above us that was filled with yet another bar, this one a little less crowded though (probably because most people were too drunk to access their ability to walk the stairs). There were more booths and couches placed around it as well as another dance floor, this one, being smaller than the main one downstairs, with a pole on a platform in the middle of it, for people who decided to throw every and all inhibition away. Thankfully it seemed to be unoccupied and I hoped it would stay for the rest of the night, so some poor soul didn't end up with people drooling all over them and with their dance moves all over social media.
Letting my gaze fall back to the main floor, I spotted a hallway in the right corner of the room, that probably leads to the restrooms. Even though I couldn't see, because I wasn't wearing either my glasses or contacts, I was pretty sure there were several bodies pressed up against the walls right at this moment. Everyone knew the hallway leading to the restrooms, and the restrooms themselves were mostly a makeout zone where lucky guys received a quick blowie or something of that sort.
I was once again left with the question of, why on earth would I ever agree to go to a place like this one. And the same answer from before was provided to me by the presence of the blonde girl standing next to me.
She was eyeing the place, same as I was just moments ago, and I was left wondering why did she ever agree to this. She, just like me, disliked parties. Disliked the loud music, the smell of alcohol lingering everywhere you went, the smell of the cigarettes that reeked throughout the whole place. She disliked masses of people in one closed-off space. She disliked the sweaty bodies that would bump into her whenever she as much as came close to the dance floor. She disliked these things. So why would she go to a place even worse than a house party?
Sure, I could be asked the same question, but I already asked it. The answer was unchanging, Rosie. And even if I was given the chance to leave right now, I wouldn't because she was still here and I wanted to be with her, and mend what has gone wrong. I hoped showing support by my sheer presence would be enough. It might have been stupid thinking, yes. I was well aware, that Rosie would never force me to go anywhere, where I wasn't feeling comfortable. She would never judge me if I declined. But how could I, when this was the first contact I had with the girl, in days.
That was my reasoning. But what could've been hers?
She wouldn't have come to a place like this out of her own will, she wouldn't propose the idea of going to a place such as this one. I've learned that for sure, during the time I've known her. She wasn't the type of person to enjoy these things, so why would she so willingly, with such excitement, go to a place that was so out of her comfort zone. Sure, people should come out of their shell, try something new, but not at the expanse of doing something they truly disliked. Hated even.
I should've known, I sighed inwardly as I followed the hand that was wrapped around Rosie's waist. Of course, she would be the reason.
But it still didn't explain why she would agree to this. I mean, shouldn't she be herself around the person she loved? Was she trying to impress her by going here? Was she maybe, trying to prove something to her or to herself? And most importantly, didn't Sooyoung know? Why would she even ask her to come to such a place? Even on Halloween, we ditched the party, she could've figured. But even then, why wouldn't just Rosie politely decline, and say it wasn't her cup of tea. Shouldn't you be honest with the people you date?
Taking one look at her face, I was positive things haven't changed from the expression she wore. It didn't look happy nor excited as it did moments ago, she seemed to be anxious and distressed just how I thought she might be. As soon as Sooyoung's eyes landed on her though, she wiped the expression she wore just seconds ago off and replaced it with a dazzling smile instead. I didn't like her smile. For the first time since I've known her. This wasn't her, she wasn't being herself and the fake smile she just put on was proof of that. I hated seeing her force something that she wasn't feeling. I was so used to the genuine, innocent smile, filled with nothing more but pure happiness, that I didn't recognize the one she put on now.
She reminded me of my past self, the one I was before we met, the one that put on a mask before leaving my room. The one for the world to see. I wasn't being myself, I was something I wanted others to see, and I hated it. But even though I hated pretending, I did it anyway, because it was easier. What I got in reconciliation though, was a void, emptiness, and I never wanted anyone to feel the way I did. Especially not Rosie.
Her life was hard, I'm sure she had to put on masks of her own, but I knew all masks were lost when we were together, I could see it in her eyes and in her smile. I was happy I could make her trust me enough to show her true self, and laugh without care, without worry.
Sooyoung didn't seem to do that for her. She was different around her like she was trying to impress her all the time. What she failed to understand though, was that she was amazing. She didn't need to pretend to be someone she wasn't just so she would look cool in someone's eyes. Because she was cool, she was the coolest person I knew. But what made her cool was her dorkiness, the way she was different than most people I knew, her kindness and gentleness. If Sooyoung failed to see those in her, if she failed to bring them out, she failed as a partner.
I knew I had no say in the matter of Rosie's personal life, but my suspicion proved to be correct tonight. Sooyoung truly wasn't and never would be enough. She would never be the kind of person Rosie deserved. But all I could do was watch from the sidelines as Sooyoungs head lowered and she whispered something in the blonde's ear, before leading her further into the room.
"Let's get some drinks!"
"Huh?" I looked at Jungkook in confusion. Thanks to the loudness of the music in the room, I haven't heard a single word that came out of the older boy's mouth. I could only tell he spoke to me because of the nudge he gave me, and from seeing his lips move.
He motioned with his head towards the direction the two girls walked to and repeated what he said before, this time leaning closer, so his mouth was close to my ear, "Let's get drinks,"
Nodding my head in affirmative, knowing if I wanted to get through this night as quickly as possible I didn't have any other choice. Jungkooks hand made its way to mine, as he entwined our fingers together, and led me towards the direction of the bar on the left side of the big room.
Making our way through the crowd standing in front of it, I found myself eye to eye with the bartender who was looking at me expectantly. Not really sure what I should say I opened my mouth thinking gin and tonic might be a good choice, but before I could say anything, Sooyoung's voice, that was loud enough to beat the music, reached him as she shouted, "Vodka shots! Two for each!"
The bartender grinned before placing eight shot glasses on the counter and filled them with the clear liquid one by one. My mouth turned in disgust as I lifted one of the glasses up to my face and the strong smell invaded my nose. Trying not to focus on the smell, I downed the shot in one go and coughed a little, as I pulled the empty glass away from my mouth, as the burning sensation filled my throat, spreading like wildfire.
Ignoring the tiny voice of my taste buds protesting against tossing back another shot, I did exactly that and this time it didn't burn as much as it did before. Looking at the others, I saw that they, just like me, finished their shots and Sooyoung placed a bill on the counter before standing up along with Rosie, and walking towards the dance floor.
Jungkook once again grabbed my hand and led me towards the center of the room, where Sooyoung seemed to be headed. Just as we got into the center, thanks to the crowd that to my surprise moved and created a corridor, the song changed.
Everyone cheered at the song choice and started moving their bodies to the beat. I didn't recognize the song, so I was a little phased at first, but Jungkook seemed to recognize it, as his hands found their way to my waist. Either that, or he just didn't care and let the music lead him. I, as a dancer, probably should've been like that too, but seeing as I wasn't particularly feeling like dancing, my dancing sense didn't exactly kick in.
He pulled me closer and guided my body movements with his hand, that was placed on my body. Not that it was really necessary since I was a dancer, but I let him lead anyways since I really was a little out of it. Our bodies were swaying together and as the beat started picking up, one of the hands that were on my waist moved lower, settling itself on my ass, as he brought me even closer.
I felt his body push against mine, as he spun me around and placed his hands back on my waist, as his head buried into my neck. I brought my hands up to his head and pulled him lower by his brown locks, as he kissed my neck lightly. His hands started to roam my body, as we moved our hips in sync, and my backside brushed against his front, as I started grinding myself against him. The song playing gave me a sexual kind of vibe, so it came naturally.
Some time throughout the dance, I closed my eyes and now that I've opened them again, they were met with Rosies, who were intently following every move I made, every brush of my body against the muscular boys. I saw her eyes trail his hands as he spun me around and squeezed my butt cheeks.
As soon as she saw that, she turned her head back to Sooyoung who has been touching all up on her, just as Jungkook was on me, and kissed her passionately, as she tangled her hands in Sooyoungs hair, and ground against her simultaneously. When she turned back around, I dropped down to the floor and pulled myself up painfully slow, dragging my ass up against my boyfriend, my eyes never leaving Rosies.
Jungkooks hands grabbed my hips, as he pushed his front into me, grinding against me, and I, turned back around and grabbed his face between mine, kissing him hungrily. Knowing full well Rosie was watching the exchange, I brought my hands up to his chest as I roamed them up and down his muscles.
I wasn't quite sure why I did that, but the fact I knew Rosie was looking, made me want to do these things, kiss him, be affectionate. Especially when I saw her do the same with Sooyoung. Was she trying to show me how perfect they were for each other? Because if so, I would keep showing her the same with my boyfriend, whose hands were insatiable as he brushed against my breasts and growled into my ear hungrily, "Accompany me to the restroom?"
It wasn't really a question, I could tell by the bulge in his pants I felt every time I brushed against him, but no way in hell was I going to be one of the girls, who did that in a restroom of a club.
As the song ended, his hand grabbed mine and he pressed it against his crotch to let me know just how badly he wanted it, and I had to look away so he wouldn't see the disgust on my face. Shaking my head to let him know it wasn't happening, and silently hoped he wouldn't force it, I looked over in the direction where Rosie was previously dancing, only to see her walking away, alone. Sooyoung must have gone to get drinks and Rosie went to save us a seat.
I jerked my hand out of his grasp and shouted through the music, "Accompany yourself, I'll wait for you in the booth with Rosie!"
Making my way through the crowd, and not looking back, I was delighted not to feel Jungkooks hands on me any further, in an attempt to drag me with him. I followed Rosies' figure, which started walking up the stairs and my eyes inadvertently fell to the swell of her ass, which was swaying from side to side. When I realized what my eyes have been glued to, they shot right up, and even though I wasn't caught, I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks, and I was sure, I was blushing.
Once she reached the top of the stairs and found a vacant booth, she sat down and I slid into the spot next to her, "Hi," I said with a small smile, causing her head to snap towards me.
Apparently, she hasn't noticed me following her, because she looked surprised to see me, "Hey," she greeted, and once she collected herself from the initial shock of seeing me, she smiled, "I thought you were dancing."
It was a simple sentence, but it had a questioning undertone to it, and as she said those words, the tone of her voice changed and sounded a little annoyed. I had no idea for what reason, therefore, I decided to ignore it, and decided to just answer her, even though she wasn't exactly asking.
"Yeah well, Jungkook had to use the restroom," I stated simply.
"I bet," I heard her mutter something under her breath, but I didn't quite catch it, and before I had the chance to ask her to repeat what she had said, she continued, "Having fun?"
What was I supposed to say to that? I wasn't sure if being honest was my best option since I didn't want to ruin the mood between us, so I decided to lie instead, "Yeah,"
"We should totally dance together once we're finished with the drinks Sooyoung is bringing," Rosie said with a smile, a genuine one this time.
"Definitely! I want to go crazy together!" I said and laughed as she did the same.
I missed being near her like this and being able to talk to her freely. Once again, it felt like nothing has ever happened between us, and things were back to how they used to be before I started messing everything up. I was glad Rosie seemed to move past it and was willing to continue our friendship.
"I wanted to say something earlier, but didn't get the chance," she started, "You look so badass in that camo print!"
"Thanks, I tried since this is my first time in a club and all. I wouldn't want to give any horn dogs the impression of not being able to handle myself, so they wouldn't attempt to give me roofies. I'd kick their asses any time," I stated proudly, making Rosie laugh. And when her laughter died down, all that was left was a smile, and I couldn't be happier because finally, it was directed at me. Because finally, I was the one making her smile.
"Kick ass, huh?" she teased, "Last time you and Jisoo played Mario Kart you seemed to get your ass kicked."
"Yeah well, I have to compensate for that, you know. Kicking some real-life butts seems better, and more satisfying may I add, than destroying Jisoo's kart,"
"Is that so? Last time I checked, you were close to tears," she laughed and I feigned offense with a pout.
"What is this? Are you making fun of me, Park?" I asked her and crossed my arms in front of my chest.
"Oh, I would never," she snickered.
"Just you wait. I am challenging you to a race, and let's see who comes up at the top, Chipmunk," I stuck my tongue out at the older girl, who smacked my arm at the use of her nickname.
"I think we're the only two people alive, talking about Mario kart, in the middle of a club," Rosie chuckled.
"Probably," I laughed a little, before connecting our eyes again, "but as long as I get to talk to you, I don't mind.
At that she blushed, I could tell from the way she looked down to her hands with a smile, trying to avoid my gaze so I wouldn't see just how red her cheeks must have been, "Yeah, me too," she mumbled.
I wanted to tell her I missed her, that even though I was here, I was happy because I was here with her. But I couldn't, I didn't want to risk bringing the awkwardness back, and so instead of saying any of those things, I decided to ask about Sooyoung instead.
"So," I drawled, "you and Sooyoung seem to be hitting it off well,"
Why I decided to torture myself, by indulging in a conversation about the black-haired girl, would forever remain a mystery to me. I mean, out of all the things we could talk about, Sooyoung was on the bottom of my list. I was just starting to enjoy the night, but apparently, I had to ruin it for myself.
"Yeah, ever since the cabin, we have grown even closer, and we've spent so much time together ever since we got back, including new years. I am just so happy with how things are between us. She's honestly such a romantic, I feel like I'm in a romance movie whenever we're together." she gushed, "She's so smart and funny, and witty, she's truly amazing. I'm so happy she finally noticed me."
"Uhm, she sounds really great," I commented dryly, my dislike not faltering one bit, and doing the exact opposite actually. Growing at a rapid pace, by every word Rosie uttered.
"She really is. I think she might be the first person I've ever loved, Lis,"
"Have you told her?"
"I want to tell her after today,"
Not saying anything else, I stood up to my feet and started walking away, leaving a confused Rosie behind.
"Jungkook is taking too long, I'm going to check if he's okay. I'll be back," I said emotionlessly and walked down the staircase, not sparing the blonde girl a second glance, and trying to ignore the ache in my heart as I did so.
Here I was, hoping things between us would get better again, while I acted up like this. It was childish. Was I jealous of what they had? Was that why I disliked Sooyoung so much?
I wasn't sure why I got so riled up, so annoyed with what she just said. It made sense she fell for someone she was dating, but fuck, why Sooyoung of all people. She wasn't good enough for her. She didn't make her smile the way I did, she didn't know her the way I did. She didn't see her the way I did. She didn't know who Rosie really was, and she didn't look like she was particularly trying, nor did she get through the defense system Rosie created for herself, the way I did. Sooyoung would never be the one for her. She would never be me.
When I found myself downstairs again, I looked around, trying to catch a glimpse of my boyfriend, but there were too many people to notice just one in particular. Especially in the dimmed lights that the club was divulged in.
Once my feet started to hurt along with my neck, from standing on my tiptoes and stretching my neck for far too long, I gave up on trying to find him among the crowd by sight only. Besides, he was probably still in the restrooms, so I wouldn't be able to see him from here anyway.
Sighing, I started walking towards the right corner of the spacious room, pushing through the sweaty bodies that were all around me. For someone who had a thing for personal space, this was a living nightmare. People invading it left and right. I was starting to get claustrophobic, as I lost sight of where I was going, and got pushed by people all around me. The panic started creeping up on me, as I felt like I had nowhere to go, no way to escape, and my breathing started to get heavier.
Thankfully, the next person who bumped into me pushed me out of the area where most people were dancing in, and I finally felt like I could breathe again. Looking around, there were a lot fewer people surrounding me, and so I had enough room to look around and find out where the hell I was.
By some miracle, the crowd spewed me out right where the hallway to the restroom was, and I cheered silently in victory, that I didn't have to go through that again. Well, I would have to get back, but the next time, with Jungkook playing bodyguard.
Walking through the beads curtain, that served as an entryway to the hallway, I found that I was once again right with my assumptions. The hallway had more bright lighting like the rest of the club, so both fortunately and unfortunately, I could see everything.
Fortunately, because I could see the people pressed against the red-painted walls and I could avoid them easily, without bumping into them. Unfortunately, because I had to see people getting it on, which was a pretty disgusting scene to see. It was practically an orgy up in there.
Before making my way to the end of the hallway, I rolled my eyes for good measure (not that anyone could see since they seemed to be preoccupied with their raging hormones) and started walking. Trying to block out the occasional moans, I walked faster down the hallway that seemed to be never-ending, not wanting to put an end to my suffering.
Once I've finally reached it, I looked to my left and then right, and found that the men's restroom was on the right. Placing my hand against the door, I pushed lightly, not wanting to slam it open. I stopped the movement of the door by not inflicting any more force against it, as I heard a noise that sounded a lot like a moan, come from the small gap I've created.
Deliberating whether I should enter anyway or not, I pushed the door open, thinking that whoever it was, it wasn't Jungkook, and my poor boyfriend was probably trapped in there by some horny idiots. And so when the door opened fully, my suspicion was proved to be correct. Almost correct.
"Mhm fuck," the girl who was sitting down on one of the sinks, moaned lowly. The man's hands have ridden up her skirt and cupped her ass, squeezing her butt cheeks, causing her to moan louder.
She threw her head back, as the guy started kissing and biting down on her neck, while his other hand, made its way up to the black-haired girl's clothed breasts. She moaned again and I saw her push her body into the guy further.
Only then have I noticed, the boy's pants were dropped to his ankles and the rocking movement of his hips, as they slammed into the other girl. On any other circumstance, I would have been out of there in the speed of light, but this time, I didn't budge. I didn't do as much as dare to breathe too loudly. My body has become immobilized, all color draining from my face as I saw Jungkooks hips buck into the other girl.
I've been glued to the spot, watching with horror as he pulled her closer by the hips, and this time she moaned his name, "Jungkook! Fuck yes!"
And when Jungkook brushed locks of hair behind her ear, so he could look at her while he fucked her, it all came together. All the suspicion, distrust. I was right all along. Sooyoung really was a fucking bitch.
Jungkook groaned as his pace increased, and Sooyoung clawed at his clothed back, as her back hit the mirror behind her repeatedly. She started muttering a string of profanities over and over again, until Jungkook's lips crashed against hers, silencing the words coming out of her mouth.
His hand that was previously massaging her breast moved downwards and when Sooyoung moaned even louder than before, I knew he must've gone to the extra length to stimulate the older girl. Her legs wrapped around his waist, in an attempt to pull him closer as her moans started to get louder by each second. She was close.
And even though I've seen way more than I should've, and wanted nothing more than to escape, I still couldn't move a muscle. It was like my feet have grown roots that implanted themselves into the tiles on the floor, not letting me get away, no matter how much I wanted to. I was stuck watching, feeling my heart get ripped in two.
No sound left my mouth, I couldn't do anything other than just watch the scene unveil before me and bear the sight. Bear the voice of the man who used to say he loved me. Bear the voice of another woman calling his name, while his hands cupped her breasts. Bear the burden of knowing that the one who Rosie fell for, was indeed, the person I thought she was. Bear the burden of seeing her break, once I told her because I knew. I had to.
And so when Jungkook finished with a last groan, and pulled out, the roots have been cut, and I ran out of the restrooms.
"Lisa?!" I heard him shout after me, but I didn't care. I ran without a single look back. I ran, bumped into the people that were still pushing their tongues down someone else's throat. I ran, pushing through the crowd of people dancing, not even caring where I would be spewed out next. I just ran. I had to get out of this God-forsaken place.
Once I got out of the crowd of people, I found myself by the bar and muttered a 'fuck' under my breath, because to get to the entrance, I would have to go back. Thankfully though, I spotted four green letters that have been my saving grace. I've spotted the emergency exit. And without thinking, I ran towards it and pushed the handle forward.
I didn't realize the speed I was running in, because as soon as my body collided with the door and I pushed it open, I fell down on the cold pavement. The fall hurt, but not as much as my heart did, from what I've just witnessed.
Crawling towards the brick wall, I rested my back against it and pulled my knees up against my chest, which was still heaving rapidly from both the run and what I've seen moments ago. Tears started stinging in the corners of my eyes, and I didn't even try to hold them back. Instead, I let them fall my cheeks freely.
One tear became two and two became three. And soon, my jeans were stained with the mixture of my tears and the mascara that must've gone running down my cheeks as well. I sobbed uncontrollably, not being able to stop, as my body shook violently because of the cold and the intensity of the sound that wedged itself out of my throat.
My heart hurt as if it got stabbed several times, and it did, by every movement, every moan, every whisper coming from their lips. I wanted to crawl on my skin, just to release the anger that was slowly building up inside me. I wanted to scream, to punch the wall until my knuckles turned bloody.
"Fuck!" I yelled into the night and brought my hands up to my hair, pulling on my locks violently, "fuck fuck fuck fuck. Fucking fuck!"
"Damn it," my voice cracked as one of my fists let go of the hair and feel down next to my body in defeat. My cries have grown quieter, my sobs have died down a little, but the pain in my heart has only grown.
I felt like everything has been taken away from me. The one thing I held onto so desperately, was gone by the snap of a finger. All the sacrifices I've made, and for what? To feel like this? To be left thinking that maybe it was all my fault if only I have done things differently, this wouldn't have happened.
My knuckles have gone white from the tight fist I've had them in, desperately trying to control the urge to punch the ground beneath me, the walls, anything that I could. Ideally, myself. My heart that was crying, feeling so empty, blood gushing out of it as the wounds of the stabs inflicted upon it widened, every time the image of those two flashed in front of my eyes.
How could I be so stupid? Why did I ever believe his words? He, the one who always tore me apart, the one who played with my heart like it was nothing, not caring about the pain he caused. My heart that was once beating for him, has stayed in the restroom by his legs. He has taken it and broke it.
And so if you break a plate and pick up the broken pieces, does it grow back together? Does it heal magically? Not even glue can mend it together to the way it was before. You will forever be able to see the cracks, just how there would be scars on my heart that I so foolishly gave away.
I clawed at my exposed arms in anger, I punched the cold pavement underneath me as I screamed my lungs out. Everyone left. No one was there to stay. I was alone, just like I've always been. I was holding on so tightly, but I failed to notice there was nothing to hold onto anymore.
The once beating organ in my chest was now silent. It cried silently, shed tears of blood as it got drained of all life. The wounds he cut open hurt more than my knuckles that were now stained with the mixture of my blood and tears. And I started sobbing uncontrollably again because the pain was too much to be contained in the small body of a human being. It would never be enough to bear the weight of heartbreak.
Tears continued to stream down my dampened cheeks, as I let my head fall against the wall and I looked up to the sky. For the first time in forever, the smoke wasn't as thick and I could see the stars looking down on me, and I wondered if God was somewhere up there. If the stars were his way of looking down at the miserable souls on earth such as mine. Why did I have to suffer like this? Why did my heart have to get ripped out of my chest by the claws of not being enough?
More and more tears rolled down my cheeks, down my neck, soaking my undershirt. I closed my eyes and the second I did the images that were still so fresh in my mind flashed before me. I remembered everything, every sound, every expression so clearly.
And that's when I realized I wasn't the only one. It wasn't only about me. It was just as about Rosie as it was about me. She was still inside, probably not knowing a thing. She deserved to know and I so selfishly ran out only caring about myself.
So as much as I was hurting, I got up on my two feet, supporting my body with my hand against the wall and started walking. My walk turned faster as I let go of the wall and soon I was running again. Turning the corner, I ignored the complaints of the people waiting in line and made a b line straight for the entrance.
"Now where do you think you're going?" the big muscular man blocked my way with his arms crossed in front of his chest, as he looked down at me.
Without a word, I stuck my arm out with the green-colored wrist band, that I got when I first entered the club. He inspected it for a moment, before nodding and stepping aside, letting me enter the dimly lit place with blasting music once more that night. Oh, how I hated this place. If I could, I would never come in here again, but I had to get Rosie. I had to pull her out of Sooyoung's clutches and tell her the truth about the older girl before she found out the same way I did.
Not caring about anything or anyone, I headed straight for the stairs and prayed she would still be there, sitting in one of the booths. Taking two steps at a time, I found myself on the platform in a matter of seconds and I hastily looked around, trying to spot the blond girl.
When I didn't see her sitting on the spot she was previously occupying, I panicked. I had to find her at all costs and get the hell out of here. Hoping I was right, I walked towards the dance floor and since this one was smaller than the one downstairs, I spotted her easily.
Squeezing my way through the other people dancing, I finally found myself in a close distance to Rosie who was dancing with Sooyoung. The black-haired girl had her hands all over Rosie, as they danced together. The clueless girl had her arms wrapped around Sooyoungs neck, as she ground herself against the older girl and kissed her passionately, and in that moment I wanted to throw up even more than I did before.
Not giving a damn, I walked up to them and forcefully pushed them apart, giving Sooyoung a death glare. And if looks could kill, I was sure she would be dead by now.
"What are you doing?" Rosie asked, clearly annoyed I interrupted her moment with her girlfriend.
"We have to go. Now." I stressed the last word and grabbed the girl's wrist, trying to pull her as far away from Sooyoung as possible.
"What do you mean we have to go?" she asked, her tone wavering slightly as she was clearly in a little more intoxicated state than I previously left her in, and I figured Sooyoung must have made her down more shots of alcohol, "It's fine if you're not having fun, but I am!"
"Yeah, let go, Lisa," Sooyoung growled and wrapped her arm around Rosie's waist, pulling her closer to her body and away from me.
"Rosie! You don't understand, we have to go. Sooyoung-"
"Would you stop!" Rosie shouted suddenly, catching me off guard, "I know you don't like her, but fuck, could you stop trying to get between us!"
"What? I-"
"Oh stop playing innocent Lisa! Joy told me everything about the little stunt you pulled," she pointed an accusing finger at me, and that alone broke my heart even more, as I felt it clench in my chest, "I thought we were friends and here you're trying to seduce my girlfriend, just so you could tell me she cheats on me and break us up!"
"I-I...I didn't-"
"Sure you didn't! God Lisa!" her voice not slurring or wavering this time, and I came to the realization, she must have not been drunk to the point she had no idea what she was doing. And that's exactly why her next words hurt more than anything ever did.
Fuck Jungkook, fuck Sooyoung. I thought that what I saw broke my heart, but it was nothing compared to what Rosie said with such anger and desperation in her voice, I felt like my soul left my body. Like she took the already damaged heart and took a swing at it, piercing her words through it like a knife.
"Why are you trying to ruin my life?! Ever since Sooyoung finally notice me you have done everything in your power to break us apart and show me just how much you hate her? Do you really hate me that much?" she asked, her voice breaking slightly, "Do I not deserve to be happy in your eyes? Why do you have the need to tear my life apart? Is your presence in it not enough to throw me into a whirlwind?!"
"W-what? I didn't!" I yelled, tears already filling my eyes again, "Rosie please listen to me," I begged, my voice cracking as more tears fell down my cheeks, as I looked into her eyes only to see hurt and disappointment.
She believed her, not me.
"Listen to what Lisa?" she asked calmly this time, her voice sounding defeated.
"Let's just go, she's clearly drunk," Sooyoung said and pulled her away from me slightly, with Rosie showing no resistance whatsoever.
"Rosie, please!" I begged and fell down to my knees, as I saw her figure growing distant. And the worst part was, her figure wasn't the only thing that was out of reach.
She was gone. Just like everyone else. She left.
I didn't even have the energy to stand up, as I started sobbing in the middle of the dance floor. If what I was experiencing before was heartbreak, I couldn't put a name to this feeling.
It felt like my heart has been ripped out of my chest, stabbed several times by Rosie's harsh words and thrown away. I started punching the floor beneath me as I wailed. My knuckles that were already hurting and were slightly bruised were now bleeding, but that didn't stop me.
Eventually, when I got worn out, I groggily stood up and walked down the stairs and out of the club, into the brisk night air. I shivered because of the low temperature, but I didn't care. and started walking where my legs took me.
I didn't know this neighborhood too well though and soon I became lost. But I didn't care one bit. I didn't care about anything anymore. My face became stoic even though the tears continued to fall without a stop. The pain in my chest stopped and it felt like there was nothing there to hurt anymore.
My body was just a lifeless corpse that has been surviving on sorrow and grief alone. There was nothing left for me anymore. I couldn't describe this feeling no matter how hard I tried, I just felt so empty and so hurt. The beating organ of my heart was no longer in my chest. It was tied to a rope that I was dragging behind me. It was lifeless. And it still hurt more than anything ever could. More than anything ever did.
It came in waves, one second I thought it was over, only to stop and scream my lungs out, as the ache in my chest became unbearable. It was tearing my whole body up from the inside. It wasn't just my heart anymore, but my mind that was collapsing, my limbs that were too tired to move, because my heart wasn't functioning anymore and stopped pumping blood into my system as it blood out.
There was nothing left of my heart but shards. It was not just my heart that got broken, it was my whole being.
Funny how just a few words can inflict bigger damage than any actions can. She hurt me with words alone more than Jungkook did, more than anyone ever did. Any physical pain was noncomparable to the pain I was currently suffering from. The shards that were left of my heart were stabbing me everywhere and I couldn't take it anymore, as my body came crashing down.
A cry so loud one would think I was being tortured left my throat that was already hurting. And in a sense I was tortured, by the evergrowing pain in my chest, by the memories, by the words directed at me, like blades cutting through my skin, piercing every part of me.
My eyes were welled up with tears and I didn't even bother muffling my shaky breaths with my palms. Didn't bother wailing my heart out into my hands. The pain of my fists as they threw themselves in restless punches against the cold pavement beneath me, was nothing compared to the devastating pain, exploding within, crushing my very soul and demolishing what was possibly left of my defunct heart.
I continued punching the ground, even though it has done nothing to me, other than providing security from not falling straight to the depths of hell, even though it felt like I did. I continued hitting the ground, because the squeezing and contorting of my fingers to will myself not to crumble, was no longer enough.
And when my phone lit up on the ground, where it must've fallen, and the picture of me and the three girls including Rosie popped up, the shards broke too.
I reached for it and stared at the picture that inflicted so much pain and threw it with a loud cry, smashing it against a wall of the building next to me. And I knew I wouldn't care, how could I, when that phone alone held pictures, memories, that I wanted to forget. When I knew, that once I opened my phone, the first thing that would pop out would be Rosie's picture in my gallery, that I stared at every night because I couldn't fall asleep without her.
Just like my heart, the phone exploded into tiny fragments, and I rested my forehead against the cold pavement. My whole body was shaking. If the pavement was any softer, my fingers would dig into it as I hopelessly tried to hold on to whatever I could.
That's when it dawned on me. My previous thoughts of Rosie being my soulmate and completing me were entirely wrong.
Rosie didn't complete me. No, she inspired me to be the best version of myself I could be, she made my demons disappear by showing me there was always something positive in the world, she showed me there was always light in the darkness. In spite of everything, she chose to be love, in the world of hate, and she inspired me to be that too, by her kindness and soft words.
This realization alone made me clutch at my heart and scream out an inhuman sound of absolute misery. The ultimate form of sadness.
She inspired me to be happy. But how could I be happy, how could I make out the light in the darkness, when I lost the thing that mattered to me the most?
When I lost Rosie.