I walked all the way home. It took me about an hour or so to get there, but it was peaceful. It was just one of those afternoons where everyone is in their own head, quiet, and traffic isn't terrible. I got home to my Dad leaving to work. He didn't really bother to ask where I was at for the night. He just hugged me and kissed me on my head. Then he was out the door in a flash.
It hurts me deeply that he's finding excuses to not be in this house because I do the same sometimes. Sometimes I can't be alone here. Sometimes I can't I stand to lay down in my bed knowing that someone I love is laying in a casket.
I get to my room and look around. Everything is the way I left it. Clean, organized and a little boring. I take my jeans off and the hoodie that Athena gave me. Now I'm just in my boxers and sports bra.
I sit down on my bed and rest my feet for a little. The first week of school is over and so much has already happened. It feels like it's never going to end. There's no backing out this time. I can't be a third-year senior. I want to graduate and leave this place.
Start fresh. Start new. A new place with new things. New opportunities. New everything. A place where no one knows me. Where my past won't get to me. So I can heal properly and not in the same place that has broken me time and time again.
I feel the tears starting to brew. My face gets hot. I bury my head in my hands and cry because that's all I can do. In therapy, I learned how to cry more often and without holding back. Without feeling ashamed or weak.
I cried until my head started hurting. I showered and brushed my teeth, prepping myself to get the last of my homework done for school tomorrow.
I managed to get better sleep this time around. Probably due to the hangover I was carrying earlier in the day along with that thorough crying session.
I put on a white long sleeve shirt and jeans for school the next morning. I tied my hair up in a very low maintenance bun and left it alone.
I parked my car in my usual spot. From a distance between other cars, I could see a familiar head full of curly hair surrounded by a group of several guys and girls.
At first, I didn't think anything of it when I realized it was Tommy. It seemed to be a harmless link-up of people. It's a little strange though, considering he doesn't actually hang out with anyone anymore. At least, that's what he says.
I grabbed my messenger bag out of my car and locked the doors. I turned my back ready to walk, but then I heard something that sounded like someone bumping into a car — hard.
I snapped around to see Tommy being held against a car.
"Hey!" I shouted quickly making my way through the odd spaces of cars.
Everyone turned to look at me, slowly backing away. Tommy didn't even flinch. The guy holding him let him go.
I stepped to the mystery guy with short, but shaggy looking black hair.
I spoke first, "It's too early for this shit don't you think?"
"Mind your business. This has nothing to do with you," He said.
I looked over at Tommy. He didn't even look at me. He was looking down at the ground.
"You're pushing my friend up against a car. It's my business."
"Yeah? Well, your friend here owes me money. If he paid me in the first place this wouldn't be happening."
I got closer to him, almost whispering to his face, "Guess you'll just have to forget about the money cause you won't be getting it."
He sneered, "And who the fuck are you? If you're not gonna pay me get the fuck out of my face. Are you even a guy or girl?"
I shoved him, hard. He fell onto his ass. Before he could even get up I leaned over to yank him closer to me by his shirt, "If I catch you fucking with him again, money isn't the only thing you'll be losing."
I let him go with another hard push back. He didn't even bother to move. I looked at everyone's faces in the now shocked and speechless group of teenage leeches.
"Anyone else have a problem they'd like to solve?" I paused. No one said anything to me. "Didn't think so."
"Josh get up ... hurry," A girl said, practically leaving the guy on the ground as she began to follow the group.
Everyone started to make their way out of the small space. The boy named Josh got up slowly and walked away behind them. He didn't even say a single word nor did he look back at me. I waited till' they were all at a safe distance to turn my attention to Tommy.
"Are you alright?" I asked quietly. He looks extremely sad and embarrassed.
He shook his head. He couldn't look me in the eye for some reason.
"Tommy," I repeated. "Are you okay? Did he hurt you?"
"No, no he didn't hurt me," He scoffed. "Not yet."
I shook my head, "Not yet? No, he's not gonna do anything to you at all."
He kept shaking his head. I know that panicked look and movement all too well. He's freaking out about something.
"Tommy," I grabbed him by the shoulders to stop him from moving. "What money do you owe him? What happened?"
There were tears in his eyes, "You're gonna kill me."
He started to scare me, "Tommy. What the hell did you do?"
"I ... I betted on a fight," He paused. "A fight at the Circle this weekend. I lost."
I let him go, trying to make sense of his words. I took a step back, "You what?! Why are you even over there?!"
"I thought I could win some easy cash. I don't know—"
"You can't be this dense! You just can't! You don't get how dangerous fucking with people's money is?" I squeezed my own head to prevent myself from squeezing his, "Especially when you don't have any money!"
He didn't say anything. He sighed, his breath shaking.
I shook my head, "Now you have to watch your fucking back, Gibson. You're fucking with the wrong people here. You better hope he just drops it. How much was it for?"
"Two hundred on my end," He answered. "Four hundred pot."
"I'm sorry," He mumbled. "I should've never went over there."
I don't show him that I'm now worried. I have so many questions I want to ask him. I probably should ask him especially because he's around me all the time. Any trouble he's in will directly come around to me too.
"No, you shouldn't have. Is Gunnar still running the Bulls?" I asked.
He nodded to my relief, "Yeah, he's still in charge."
If anything serious were to happen I can at least talk to Gunnar about it and it get it settled one way or another.
"How many new people?" I asked.
"Enough for word to accidentally get out ... but I don't know. It wasn't a crowded night if that's what you're asking."
"Never is," I said quietly. "Let's go inside."
Tommy followed behind me into the school. We didn't even stop at his locker like we usually do. I felt my flight or fight instinct kicking in, but I know it's because of what just happened. My adrenaline is still kinda kicking up.
There's no threat here Nova. Nothing you can't handle.
We stopped at my locker instead.
"You alright?" I asked.
He leaned into a locker, "Yeah. I guess. How was your weekend?"
"Boring," I lied, thinking about what happened over the weekend. "Very, very boring."
"Can't say the same," He replied under his breath. "I don't have a good feeling about the Circle, Joe."
I shook my head, "So then why'd you go, you idiot."
He folded his arms, "Fuck off, alright? I get it."
I spoke quietly, "And a secret fight club isn't all good, to begin with. No one should have a good feeling about it."
"So then ... why were you in it?"
"Had shit to take care of," I answered. "It was just ... different back then."
"Why'd you leave?"
"Because I was fighting out of blind anger of my dying Mom. Not because I had any more real problems to settle."
He took a few seconds to respond, "Shit ... how could you tell the difference between settling problems and blinding rage?"
"Started picking fights on purpose," I shrugged. "Started fighting in school when I shouldn't have. People started becoming scared of me. They still are I guess."
"So you left? Just like that?"
"Gunnar knew what was going on. He's the only one that really knows anything. That's all that matters."
The first warning bell rang, ending our conversation. Now we go our separate ways for our first class.
I bumped his shoulder with my fist, "Don't do anything else that's morbidly stupid, alright? Best thing to do when dealing with these situations is to lay low."
"Yeah. Thanks, by the way," He said. "I'm not sure what was gonna happen if you didn't step in."
Safe to say I didn't know what was going to happen myself.
"Me either. See you in Ms. Frost's class," I said while walking away.
I got through Chemistry with ease, like usual. I was looking forward to Athena's class today for some reason. Maybe because I spent a drunken night at her house and I'm anxious to see if this is going to change anything between us.
I walked into Athena's classroom. She was sitting there on her Mac. I was one of the first people to walk in. She has her hair in a neat bun today and wow does it look so much better than mine.
"Morning," I said softly, approaching her desk.
She looked up at me and smiled, "Good morning. You look like you're in better shape. Nice bun."
"Yeah, something like that," I said in a quick breath. "Thanks."
She eyed me, tilting her head to the side, "Are you okay? You look a little unnerved."
I chuckled and shook my head, "That obvious?"
She smirked, "If you could see yourself right now, yes, it's very obvious. Something happen?"
"I'm fine. I just ..." A few kids had walked in, making me lose my train of thought.
I lowered my voice, "I just have some stuff I'm dealing with."
"I hope everything is well."
I leaned in closer over the desk, "Hey um ... is it okay if I come in later?"
"Of course," She answered. "I'll be here."
I smiled, getting a little too happy for my own good, "Thanks."
I got settled in my seat. It didn't take long for Tommy and other students to come waltzing in. He still looks a little shaken up by the encounter this morning. This should teach him a lesson about sticking his nose in places where it doesn't belong.
"Feeling better?" I asked him.
He shrugged, opening his new notebook, "I guess."
I left him alone after that and took out some loose-leaf paper. Class eventually started and our usual schedule followed through.
Athena Frost took attendance and told us about our future first test that's coming around soon. She has on some black jeans and heels again. Her greyish-blue shirt is tighter on her more than normal and my eyes can't help but trace the outline of her chest.
She started her lecture, dimming the lights a tiny bit. I scanned every inch of her body. Cam's voice plays in my head about having sex, bringing sex back into my life. He's completely right. I've been sexually starved for a while now.
When my mother died, my sex drive disappeared. I haven't been turned on by any girl in a while or horny at all for that matter. In therapy, we didn't even graze over my non-existent sex drive because we were focused on my grieving.
Plus, what's the point of talking about something so obvious?
"Nova, why are there three branches of government?" Athena asked me suddenly.
I quickly snapped out of my daze, "Uh ... C-Can you repeat that?"
She stared at me, her facial expression like stone, "Why are there three branches of government?"
"Oh. Um, separation of powers," I answered.
She hummed in a satisfied tone, "And for what reason?"
"To ... make sure that our rights are being protected?"
"Good," She said. She moved onto another student. "Which other reason is she missing?"
"Close call, Joe," Tommy whispered.
"Tell me about it," I whispered back.
✸✸✸
Lunch finally came around. I finished the food I packed for myself which meant it was time to go see Athena.
I strolled the semi-empty halls all the way to her classroom. I knocked on the door and walked in. Instead of being at her desk, she was wiping the other desks down.
"You are the first teacher I've ever seen, do that," I said watching her.
She smiled while leaning over a desk, "I'm sure I'm not the only one."
The way the sunlight peeking through the blinds hit her made me stare at her just a little harder. The warm glow on her was truly a sight to see.
She continued, "Students never think about how much germs they get just by sitting in a classroom. I at least want to maintain the dirt in here."
"You're right," I replied. I continued to watch her awkwardly, not really knowing where to sit since she's wiping everything down.
"How did you get home by the way?" She asked.
I held the strap of my bag closer to me, "I walked."
"And how far do you live?"
"Uh, took me about an hour to walk home."
She looked up at me in shock, "Nova. Why didn't you tell me it was far? I could've paid for a ride back home."
I waved it off, "It's fine. I run longer than an hour and cover more ground. It was actually refreshing. How was the rest of your day?"
She sighed and went back to wiping, "It was boring and filled with work and lesson planning."
"Fun. Hey, do you want your grey hoodie back?"
She chuckled a bit, "No, it's fine. I have others. So what were you trying to tell me earlier?," I almost completely forgot about that. Leave it to Athena to remember.
I moved further into the room, "Uh, well I kinda forgot, sorry."
She stood up straight and looked over at me, "Well you can answer me this at least. How come you're starting to spend your lunchtime here? I know how tedious it can be to spend most of your day in these classrooms."
"Oh, um," I paused. "I don't really sit with anyone for lunch."
"How come?"
I shrugged, "Too crowded. Too loud. Just rather be to myself ... I guess."
"Ah, I understand. I guess it's the same with me and the teacher's lounge."
"Athena," I started. "Can I ask you something? Can you answer me honestly?"
She blinked, not saying a word. I took it as a green light to ask.
"The school ... I mean, what exactly did they tell you about me? What's on my file? Did you see it?"
"They just informed me about your disorder," She answered. "Along with a few other students. I don't think they're allowed to show us your entire record unless necessary."
"I don't have a disorder," I said sternly.
She stepped around a row of desks. We're now probably five feet apart.
"But you do. And that's okay," She replied. "I'm not judging you for it. I never will."
I shook my head, "I'm not an angry impulsive monster. Or a ticking time bomb."
"Having a disorder doesn't make you a monster, Nova. If I had a disorder, would you consider me one?"
We held eye contact. For some reason, I felt like crumbling at her feet. I'm tired of being stong. The weight is just too much to bear. When is someone going to be strong for me?
She stepped closer to me. Her head arched upward a little to accommodate our height difference.
"I feel like one," I admitted. "And everyone keeps treating me like one. I'm tired of it. I'm not all anger. I promise I'm not some stupid brute."
Her hands lifted, then dropped again. I'm not sure what she was trying to do until she hugged me. Slowly and carefully, as if she was thinking really hard about it. At first, I didn't know what to do. She's embracing me while I expected her to just tell me something wise and full of wisdom.
The warmth of her body spreads across mine. Her head rests by arm. I slowly return the hug, completely confused and ... comforted.
What is happening?
She spoke quietly, "You're not what people see you as."
I didn't know whether to say thank you or to let go of her. The hug lasted for a few seconds and then she pulled away. I found my body begging for her to come back. It seems we were both rendered speechless or maybe she was just waiting for me to respond.
I mustered a weak, "Thank you."
"I'm sorry if that was too much ... maybe I shouldn't—"
I cut her off with with a less awkward hug this time. She bumped against my chest a little, but returned it with just as much energy. I'm the bigger one, but I feel so small in her arms. She's holding me more than I'm holding her. I felt my eyes get watery, but I fought off the tears.
She must've known, because she grabbed the back of my neck and brought my face down into her shoulder. I inhaled through my nose, getting her scent tangled up in my sinuses.
I held on to her like she was the last thing I knew in my life and cried in her arms.