Mangata (Swedish); the glimmering, road-like reflection the moon creates on water.
C H A P T E R F O U R T Y - N I N E
"What.....what did you just say?" I asked, seating myself on the couch, unable to drive away the seemingly eternal perplexion that raided my mind.
"You're the only person who can bear with me, the only one who knows how to diffuse the most difficult of situations, the only one who not only attempts but is able to see through the fucked up person that I am and I couldn't ask for a better girl for myself, I am not even sure someone like that exists," he said, chuckling to himself while I tried to recover from the shock. "I'm in love with you, Sydney."
His confession echoed in my mind over and over again, muddling all my thought processes. "That's the first time you've called me Sydney," I muttered, barely being audible.
"That's always a better response to hear than a thank you when you confess your love," he said, stifling a laugh, raking his hand through his messy hair. "I'm sure that's not true. How can I never have called you by your name before?" he answered, technically.
"No, you've never called me Sydney before this," I replied, still very dumbfounded.
"Well, then, hats off to your exceptional observation skills, but I was kind of hoping you'd pay attention to the principal part of my confession," he raised his eyebrows at me.
"You love me? We've been dating for what? Three or four months? How the hell can you love me? No, you don't."
He looked taken aback by my response and gave me a tight smile. "I don't consider time an adequate quality to determine my feelings. And to love me or not, that's your choice, but you can't declare what I feel for you as false. They are my feelings, and I hardly have any control over them, so you're no one to prove them wrong. I would never have told you something so intense if I didn't mean it. It's so disappointing of you to say something like that," he replied, looking at me vanquished.
"Noah, I--"
The opening of the door didn't let me finish my sentence, although I doubt it would make any difference with how upset he was. I hated this. It was his birthday, he was supposed to be the happiest today, and I had managed to screw up this day for him as well.
Jay ran to his best friend the moment he opened the door and pulled him in a hug. "Happy Birthday, my man," he wished, and the smile on Noah's face immediately returned at Jay's little gesture. I could tell it wasn't as real as before, but nevertheless, it was quite persuasive.
"The whole team and everyone else is waiting for you downstairs, come on, let's go," Jay said, pulling the both of us out of the apartment.
I was more disappointed in myself that he was. How could I be so inconsiderate towards his feelings? I was so wrapped up in being confused and scared of intense emotions that I not only was a bad sender of them, but I had become a shit receiver as well. It surprised me how much confidence he displayed while confessing like he was proud of his ability to love me. On the other hand, it frightened me. Noah enjoyed being in touch with his feelings; he handled the intensity of them very well while I was a complete idiot in that department.
The moment we stepped out of his building, I heard his whole team howling. The rays of sun embraced the skin on Noah's face, making his eyes a shade lighter than they really were. A beautiful smile spread on his face as everyone came along to wish him. He genuinely looked so happy; my heart couldn't stop itself from fluttering. I couldn't help myself, so I snapped a few pictures of him on my phone.
"Hey," Noah came up to me after a while.
"Hey," I mimicked his greeting.
"We need to talk, but they all have something planned out," he said, pointing at his team. "I can't say no to them, so I should be back in an hour or so, yeah?" he informed me.
"Yeah, you can't even think about saying no; all of them seem very excited; just make sure to get yourself back in one piece," I joked, trying to weigh out the tension, but it didn't prove to be much effective.
Noah chuckled faintly. "Take care of yourself as well," he whispered, placing a soft yet brisk kiss on my temple.
The very next moment, the boys came and pulled Noah away. "You had him all to yourself in LA, Syd, we're taking him away now," Tyler teased, high-fiving his teammate, Alex.
I laughed at all of them and was in awe of how fun and deep their friendship really was. I decided to talk to Scar about this because she was the only source of help since Ally had gone to visit her parents.
"Scar, can I please talk to you in the cafe?" I requested, and she smiled wide at me, telling me it was something I didn't need to ask her.
"So, how was LA? Tell me everything!" she clapped her hands excitedly as we sat down, and I swallowed a lump in my throat.
"LA was hectic, we didn't have time to breathe, but the concert was so good, it made up for everything," I summarized my one day trip in a sentence, desperately wanting to get to the topic I actually wanted to talk to her about. "I need to talk to you about something else, though. Noah told me he loves me."
I was expecting her to yell out of shock, but to my surprise, nothing as such happened. "Finally? He did? Oh my god, I'm so glad," she said, hugging me.
"Wait a minute, what do you mean by finally? You knew?"
"Yeah, Noah told me. And of course, Jordan also knows because neither of them can hide anything from each other. Anyway, even if he didn't tell me, it's actually pretty obvious on his face, one can figure that out without any efforts," she said, addressing the matter very casually.
"But why aren't you more excited? Shouldn't you be over the moon that he finally told you?" her smile faltered by looking at the expression on my face. "You didn't say it back, did you?"
"No," I whispered.
"Why didn't you? Do you not love him?"
"No, it's not like--"
She didn't let me finish as usual. "If you love him, why wouldn't you say it back?"
"Would you let me finish? I don't want to say those words to him when I don't fully mean them. It's not that I don't love him, but I don't think I'm completely in love with him either; maybe I'm somewhere in the middle. Oh god, am I even making any sense at all?" I tried to explain whatever I was feeling.
"No, you don't. You either love someone, or you don't; there's no in the middle," Tiffany said, from behind us. She walked and took a seat on our table. "Noah's a great guy, then what's the problem?"
"You don't think I don't know that? And only if it were that simple," I sighed. I didn't mind that Tiffany included herself in this conversation, but I would rather not have her here. I wasn't even surprised that she knew what was going on, if Noah told Scarlett and Jordan, I'm pretty sure he couldn't resist telling Tiffany.
"While that's your opinion, I don't believe that to be true. I don't think it's as simple as loving someone or not. I think there are a thousand feelings involved from this end of the spectrum to the other and I kind of get what you're talking about, Syd, I'm sorry for speaking without hearing you out as well," Scar respectfully disagreed with Tiffany, and I have never been more exhilarated.
"Look, I just came here to tell you that he really loves you, and like I said before, he doesn't find something like this every day, so don't break his heart, Lewis," she said, her tone being extremely bitchy like I upset Noah on purpose.
"I know you don't want him to get hurt, but I'm not intentionally doing this to him, Tiffany. I'm well aware that he doesn't find anything like this, and I do not either, so I wouldn't dare to try and hurt him on purpose," I retorted, not being able to tolerate that tone of hers.
"I don't wanna place any blame on you or accuse you of hurting him because I know you wouldn't, but I just came to tell you to keep in mind that he's not as strong as he acts out to be," she said, calmly this time. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you."
"I know, I'm sorry as well," I apologized back. She left soon after that because of a call she got, telling us she had an urgent matter to attend. So she came here just to warn me and tell me that? She surprises me more and more every day.
"Wow, she wasn't in a good mood," Scar said. "Anyway, what was Noah's reaction?"
"Do you even need to ask? He was obviously upset, Scar. I'm such a bitch, aren't I? I literally upset him on his birthday. What if he breaks up with me?"
Scar looked at me like I had grown two additional heads. "Syd, you're getting ahead of yourself. I don't think he's going to do something that irrational."
Matt walked into the cafe right that second and came over to say hi as soon as he saw us. "Hi Scar, Hi Perth, how was LA?" he wiggled his eyebrows at me.
"LA was awesome. Hey Matt, can I ask you something?" I went ahead as he nodded. "How would you feel if you admitted your love for someone, and they didn't say it back?" Scar rolled her eyes at me because of how stupid I was being.
"Wow, just thinking about that hurts," he said jokingly. "I mean, I would be pretty upset, I don't think I would want to talk to them for some time," he stretched his lip to one side. "Why? Is everything okay?"
"Yeah, everything is alright. Don't worry, Matt," Scar answered for me.
"You sure?" he asked for confirmation, and Scarlett reassured him. "Alright, Will's waiting for me outside so I gotta go, see you both later," Matt said, running to collect his order and then out of the cafe towards his boyfriend.
"Did you hear what he said, Scarlett? And Noah told me 'we need to talk' after he comes back," I said, fear taking over practicality in my mind.
"Okay, Matt and Noah are two completely different people, Syd. Don't relate his response to what Noah would do, and when Noah said you both need to talk, I think he meant to clear this whole thing out. I'm assuming he told you that he loves you after you reached his apartment and seeing how soon after Jordan came to call him, the two of you barely got a few minutes to talk about it. You need to calm down," she explained.
Today, both of our roles were switched. It was usually me speaking sense to her, and in this situation, I was unable to think clearly at all. Everything seemed so confusing; I seemed incapable of thinking about what I should do next. I reckoned the best option I had was to wait for him at his apartment, so I did just that.
I was prancing around in Noah's living room, dreading the moment he would walk through the door. The anticipation of what was going to come next was eating me up. A few minutes after, the door opened, and Noah walked in. He removed the weird hat that he was wearing as soon as he saw me and chuckled embarrassingly. Jay wasn't with him, so I had assumed that Scarlett had called him over to our dorm, so Noah and I could talk over here.
"Hey, we need to talk," Noah muttered, walking towards me.
"No," the response was out of my mouth like a knee-jerk reaction.
"What? We really do need to talk about before," he said, lingering his gaze at me.
"No, you can't break up with me."
"I was going to--wait, what? Who said I was going to break up with you?"
"No one, but you said you love me, and not only did I not say it back, but I was so disrespectful towards your feelings," I reasoned weakly.
"Sydney, I just told you that I am crazily in love with you. Tell me, in which world would it make sense for me to break up with you? It would prove more harmful for me to lose you than the other way around," he asserted, so peacefully.
Now that he put it this way, it did make sense. This was ridiculous. This boy had so much control over me that he could engage me in a lifelong search of sanity, and with a few words, he could make me see reason in a minute.
"I just upset you so much earlier that I thought," I stopped mid-sentence, feeling stupid.
"You're an idiot," he chuckled, enclosing me in a hug as he ran his hand up and down my back as a gesture to soothe me. "I told you this before as well, Syd, it's your choice whether to love me or not, the existence of my love does not depend on whether you reciprocate it or not. Even if you don't love me, I'm still going to love you just as much, nothing is going to change that," I just held him closer as he spoke. "I was upset because you told me I didn't love you. That's not fair to me; you can't decide what I feel. But, I realized how anxious you get when intense feelings are involved, so I reckoned you didn't mean it and I should've been more gentle with my reaction too."
He continued when I didn't answer. "I told you all of those things because I was tired of keeping it in. I was tired of just thinking them when I look at you, I wanted you to know exactly how I feel, how much power you hold over my prudence, how you drive me crazy with your constant blabbering yet I wouldn't be able to survive a few hours without you," he admitted, and I chuckled along with the tears.
Then, I kissed him. I crashed my lips with his soft ones and overruled my tongue in a minute, delving his into my mouth and kissing me into oblivion. It was a full-on, open-mouthed kiss and a very sexual one, and I fucking loved it. Noah's kisses were so addicting; it was absolutely insane. His hands caressed my cheek as we finally broke apart, our bodies desperately needing oxygen.
"Holy shit, I love you," he rasped.
I tried to smile, not being able to hold back all the sobs that wanted to rush out of my eyes. "I wanna say it back, Noah, I really do, trust me. I just don't wanna be unfair to you, and I wanna say it when I mean it 100%," I tried to explain myself as he shook his head and wiped my tears.
"I know, baby, I know. And I respect you for that. I would rather face the truth then greet myself with the short-term happiness of lies," he agreed with me. "Besides, you know, how long are you going to be able to resist? I'm Noah Parker; you're bound to fall in love with me. It's not like we're running out of time anyway cause I'm not letting you go, ever. And judging by the expression on your face, you're going to surprise both yourself and me by how fast you'll fall for me, I'm sure you're halfway there," he winked at me, kissing my nose cheekily.
Oh my god, this boy was absolutely perfect.
"Not even denying, because you know I'm right," he said when I didn't fret to respond and just smiled in his embrace.
"So, how was your 20th birthday?" I asked, changing the topic.
"Well, let's see. I got to spend the day with the people I love being around," he said, referring to his team. "I attended an Arctic Monkeys concert, I got my guitar and poster signed by them, I finally told the love of my life how much I love her, and with that, I completed my bucket list, so, all in all, I would say it went pretty good and that according to my ten-year-old self, I'm now successfully king of the world," he answered.
I didn't know about the world, but he had definitely managed to crown himself as my king.
"Your level of optimism is inspiring," I commented, looking at him keenly.
"I can't be pessimistic when it comes to you, I just can't," he replied, shrugging lightly.
Noah was about to kiss me when my phone rang. It was from Chris. "Yeah, this guy will never stop cockblocking me, I give up," he raised his hands in defense. I was going to decline. "No, go ahead, talk to him. I'm gonna take a shower and get changed."
I picked up the call as Noah disappeared into his room. "Hey," my brother greeted.
"Hi, what's up?" I repeated his greeting.
"Just checking in, did he like the gift? What was his reaction?" he asked, in reference to the guitar and the poster.
"He loved it, and he also told me he loves me," I said because I wasn't in the habit of keeping secrets from Chris.
"That's amazing, Syd. Did you tell him as well?" he counter questioned and caught me off guard.
I explained everything that took place to him, and I could see him nodding his head on the other side of the line.
"It seems to me that you're just holding back. Maybe you're not halfway there, maybe you're full way there, but you're just scared to admit it to yourself because you freak out with strong feelings," Chris described, leaving me intrigued.
"What are you trying to say?" I chuckled faintly, eagerly awaiting his reply. And when he replied, he left me pondering over it.
He answered after humming to himself for a bit. "Well, you can talk about the guy for hours, you almost cried because you were so upset when I told you I might not get the tickets, you cried from joy when I told you I could get the guitar and poster signed, you spent your savings on the tickets and the whole time in the concert, you were turning to look at him every two seconds when the Arctic Monkeys were playing in front of you, I'm not very experienced in this field but Sydney, if that's not love, then what is?"
Author's Note:
So, I know that Syd's response might've seemed a lil vague and stupid to y'all, but that's just how I want my character to be. Love isn't easy, and there are a hell lot of complicated feelings involved in there. (Wow, I sound like a 40-year-old woman when in reality I am totally inexperienced)
Alright, fam, don't forget to comment down below how you liked this chapter, and please don't hold yourself back on voting; it would mean the world to me!
I'm out, see you at the next one!
Keep loving Noah cause he loves y'all way too much, F x