What is orgasm anxiety? Not to be confused with post-sex anxiety, orgasm anxiety is when you're overthinking your orgasm so much that you can't relax and actually enjoy whatever sexual encounter you're currently having. It can happen to people of all genders, and can manifest in different thoughts.
Many women will worry that if they don't get off, they'll disappoint their partner. Then there's the worry that they're not enjoying themselves enough. Or that they're being too loud. Or too quiet. Or they're going to make a funny face when they come.
Men can feel an immense pressure to ejaculate as the 'end' of sex. There's a lingering idea that if a man doesn't orgasm, sex isn't 'complete'.
But then they also have the worry of coming too soon. Or taking too long. Or that their jizz face is weird.
When all those anxious thoughts are racing through your mind, it's pretty impossible to get off... which makes the anxious thoughts worse... which makes it harder... which makes things worse.
If orgasm anxiety – also known as preorgasmia – sounds familiar, you're not alone – a recent study suggests that orgasm anxiety is the top sexual concern among women.
So, how do we deal with it?
Talk About It.
First things first: It's very possible that what you're worrying about isn't felt by your partner, or that they have their own running dialogue whenever you get down. You might be obsessively worrying that they'll be heartbroken if you don't get off, while in reality, they might be entirely understanding.
The best way to make sure you're on the same page is open, honest dialogue. Explain that you're getting in your own head during sex, and describe the thoughts you experience so your partner can understand what's going on. Explain that if you don't orgasm, it's not a failure on their part or on yours, and it doesn't mean that sex was awful, you don't love them, or so on. It's important for them to know that, but also for you to know that they know. Otherwise we can make up what our partner must be thinking and feeling – and we'll always jump to the worst possible option. Especially if you suffer from anxiety disorder and you already constantly overthink everything.
If you feel they can help, explain how. That might be them no longer saying stuff like 'come for me' (a common dirty talk phrase that really ramps up the pressure if you're already anxious), being okay with taking things so slow, or by saying something like 'you can take as long as you need'.
Forget The Idea That You Need to Orgasm
The orgasm imperative is the toxic idea that sex absolutely has to involve an orgasm, from one or both partners. The truth is, you can have gloriously enjoyable sex without orgasm, and it's much better to stop when you fancy rather than thrusting away after you've lost interest just so you can be 'done'.
(The chat you've had with your partner about this will help to manage expectations, but it's important you're not putting pressure on yourself, either.)
Focus on Physical Sensation
When you find your brain running through your orgasm anxiety monologue, focus intensely on the physical sensations of what you're feeling.
Centre your thoughts on how your body feels: Do you feel tingly? Is it nice to be so warm and cosy? Are you really, really enjoying the neck kissing?
Going in on little sensations will take your mind away from anxiety, but will also help to ground you in your body – which is a key approach to dealing with anxiety.
It's not an easy switch, and you will occasionally have to yank yourself from anxious thoughts into sensation-focused ones, but with practice it'll become habit – then you'll just be able to switch off and enjoy physical sensations.
Mindfulness
You don't need to rope in your partner for a pre-sex meditation sesh, but learning techniques of mindfulness and grounding for your life outside of sex can make a huge difference.
Understanding how to feel your body and be in the moment is a powerful tool, and one that you can use whenever you find your mind running off.
Explore on Your Own
Get more comfortable with orgasms and orgasm-free, enjoyable sex, by masturbating.
You'll be able to explore what feels good without the pressure of pleasing another person, free to make whatever noises and faces you like.
You can also learn that masturbation can be enjoyable even without orgasm.
Don't Let Sex Become Goal-Oriented
Viewing sex as a way to 'prove something' isn't healthy for anyone involved. Work on getting rid of the goals around sex and focus on enjoying every moment purely for its physical and emotional sensations.
That means no more trying to last as long as possible because it 'proves' you're good at sex. No more using your partner's orgasm as a basis for whether they really fancy you. No more continuing to bang when both of you are tired because stopping would be 'giving up'.
I personally have serious anxiety about everything- including sex. I've been with my husband for three years, occasionally I orgasm but it takes so long and we both get extremely tired and sore trying sometimes.
Sometimes your body just can't do it. So you can't force it to, you'll only hurt yourself even more.
The best thing to do, is talk it over with your partner. Tell them you can't focus due to anxiety or explain that your body just can't do it every time.
You must be truly comfortable with the person you're with. You have to be completely comfortable with the entire situation.
Some people find it really helpful to have long and sensual foreplay.