⚛⚛⚛
I've died once, now I get to live a new life.
A life of newness, a life of compromise, a life...which is mine, but I don't feel like it is. This life feels like a lie. I'm the most clueless in my life, everyone else around me knows me, has lived with me. But now, they don't understand the new me.
It is hard for them, as much as it is for me.
Adjustments.
They'll have to make it, they'll have to live with me.
Everything around me feels so bizarre. It's like I'm someone else. A part of me has lived with each one of the people around me, a version of me in their mind is now a mixture of my personality.
This night is something else. The last three months have been the same for me, new and weird. But tonight, is something different, or am I different?
Has this night always been the same?
So peaceful, surrounded by darkness, waiting for the morning light of sunshine. There is so much about the darkness that we cannot ignore. It tempts you in its beauty, even with all the glorifying details of a haunt. Darkness can widen your thoughts. It can make you believe to be someone else, just for that moment. In the darkness, you can act the way you want to, no one able to see, what you look like.
What do I look like?
After my bones fractured and a scar right on my forehead, am I still the same girl, they claim me to be?
Who am I?
Do I know me?
Can I be someone else in this darkness, for what I was before?
Who was I in the past?
Has this hour of my life always been this way?
What was supposed to be my daily routine? All that I was, all that I build myself into in the past four years, was gone...I WAS GONE.
Now I'm stuck with this reality that doesn't even look like mine. It's like being trapped inside someone else's body, yet with a memory of my fourteenth year.
The last thing I remembered when I woke up was arguing with Aurora because she wouldn't let me go for a night stay at Jamie's house. Dad was out of town, Landon really didn't care about being around us at that hour while for Aurora, she was enjoying giving me a hard time being the superior in the house, having the authority to boss around me. But she couldn't do that. She anyway was going to spend the night with her new boyfriend, the stupid guy from Leicester. Why would he even leave England and get transferred here to this town? Every time I saw him for the past three days, which is he was practically always around Aurora, my brain would go nuts. This guy was odd, he even smelled like a cat died in his arms. I was sure, he didn't feel any kind of affection for her. He was with her only, for one thing, his own pleasure.
I warned her about his intentions many times, but she told me don't worry Lyssa, he is harmless. I rolled my eyes and walked out.
Then, I woke up four years later, on a bed - IV's attached to my hand. It took me more than five minutes to finally adjust to the light that came from the window. It was like waking up after a long night of sleep on concrete because my back hurt like hell. I could feel the sound of a heart monitor, with every rise and fall on my beat. Everything for a second was a blur. My head ached, a pain in my heart that went down on my hand, I could feel my whole body burning.
That was when I realized, something was wrong with me, I was on the hospital bed, I was the patient.
Fast forward to three months later, here I am, in my room, still wondering what happened with me that night, which led me on the hospital bed, with the doctor declaring that I had my bones of the arm and leg fractured, my ribs were broken and I had stitches on my forehead. Now here I am, my fractured arm and leg healed, the stitches on the forehead were taken off, but there is still a scar, as fresh as it was that day when I woke up on the hospital bed. My ribs still hurt me, but apart from that, I'm doing fine, physically.
But what do we do with the mental and emotional trauma that follows with the physical pain? How do we heal from that kind of pain? The doctors said, my heart was perfectly fine, but I could feel pain in my chest, every other day.
Closing my journal, I tried to take some rest. It is useless to even open the journal, I am unable to write a single word. Nothing came out of my head or my heart. I feel empty, just like any other night from the last three months. So why is this night different?
Tomorrow is going to be a fresh start in my new life. I'm going back to school after the accident. It's the first time, I'll officially be around people, unknown to me, strangers in my life. From tomorrow, everything changes, because I'll have to cope up with this new life, a new me.
***
Motivated.
Enthusiast.
Positive.
Landon asked me to stay motivated, be positive and enthusiastic about my first day back to school. Motivated and Positive, do these words ever match with school?
I'm a hundred per cent sure, I never liked going to school. Aurora on the other hand was crazy about going to school. She was the only girl in the whole world, who was so motivated to go to school, only because she got to be with her crazy ass friends. Why would she not love school? She practically held the title of being the queen of the school, only because she was superior. Everybody loved her back in school. She was worshipped for being the beautiful soul with an angelic face. Yes, she was that girl, everyone was in love with.
"Landon?" I called my brother. He turned his gaze at me as he helped me walk downstairs. He knew I could walk on my own, now that I'm all right, but he took extra precautions.
You're still weak, Lyssa. He says.
"Did I ever qualify to be on the throne of Aurora?" I asked. I feel him tense up on the mention of her name. I don't understand, it's like everyone in the house has practically forgotten her. Every time I mention her name, they go numb.
"What throne?" He asked, his hand still on my arm, supporting me to the dining table. "The throne of goddess of kindness," I stated. "She claimed to be the goddess, everyone worshipped back in school. Did I ever live up to the expectations? Do people see me like her?"
"You're different, Ally. You don't need to be at Aura's throne to be like her. Sure she was a goddess in school, but you are a human. You don't need to be a goddess. Everything is perfectly fine at being normal. You define normal in a beautiful way and that is special about you."
He never fails to surprise me with his words of wisdom. He could be the new Osho, literally.
I rolled my eyes. "You're saying this because you love me. I'm sure I was a definition of disaster." I laughed. It feels good to laugh, to hear your own voice when you've practically been mute for days.
He smiled at me. "So you're back to communicating with other people?" He asked. "What happened to the promise of never speaking again?"
"What promise?" I gave him an eye and drank my Orange Juice. "I never made that promise."
"You hardly say anything. We go days without hearing your voice." His low voice made me feel bad. It made me feel bad, after everything he has been through because of me, after everything that put him and dad in trouble.
"I'm trying to adjust to this newness of life." I stated in my defence.
He planted a kiss on my temple. "You're going to enjoy your time at school today."
"Yeah, like I did in the past." I rolled my eyes and laughed. We finished our breakfast and Karen, my home nurse helped me get up from the chair. Why do they act like I'm some fragile piece of art? I'm perfectly fine at walking by myself. I'm sure she has more interesting work than taking care of a four...umm, seventeen-year-old girl.
"How many days till you leave me?" I asked her. "Do you really want to get rid of me?" She asked as we walked out of the house.
"I like you, Karen, I really do. But I'm tired of seeing you every day. You're the first person I see when I wake up in the morning and the last person who greets me good night." I rolled my eyes. "It won't be long when I'll finally realize my feelings for you, Karen. I swear I'll ask you out on a date soon."
She let out a laugh.
"I don't date my patients, Ally." She winked at me. I snorted. "I'm an exception. You know I'm the hottest patient you've ever had."
"Yeah definitely, the most complicated."
I huffed at her comment.
She helped me climb the car on the passenger seat, and waved us a bye. Landon was driving me to school on my first day back. It was hard to get back in the car, I was terrified for first six weeks. Car Rides scared me. But I knew I had to get rid of the uneasiness. I cannot forever carry the fear of my car rides. It took Landon and dad make all the efforts to get me back on car. I don't remember exactly how everything happened, but every time I was around any car or get to sit in one, I'd go nuts, I'd be terrified.
I finally gave up one day. Neil was hospitalized and I had to see him. I asked Landon to drive me there. First, he gave me a look like I stood there with a gun ready to kill him, but he sighed and the first thing he did was take me in his arms and rub my back carefully. He was proud of me to even make a small effort, but this effort was a big success for me. It felt good to see a smile on his lips, that was because of me. Lately, I've only brought them tension and sorrow. I can't blame myself too, I didn't ask for this condition of mine, helpless and vulnerable.
They never allow me to drive though and honestly saying I've no intention on getting back to drive. I don't even think if I know how to drive a car, I guess I don't remember how to operate a car.
He turned on the radio, as he stated that the drive to school is a twenty minutes ride. Put Your Bags Down played in one of the stations.
Woah, what a way to start off the day. I don't remember the lyrics but I know the song.
"On this so-called ride, when things get heavy just put your bags down."
Landon sang along with the singer. Landon has a beautiful voice. Every night I ask him to sing a song that used to be my favourite back in the days. I would drift myself to sleep by his beautiful voice. Wherever he sang to me, I never really needed pills to fall asleep.
His eyes were on me as he sang the line. If you hear a question you don't know then let it go unanswered.
Question, my whole life is a big question right now. How can I let it go unanswered when I need answers to all of my questions. I want to know, I'm in desperate need to understand whatever is happening around me.
"You're a jerk." I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms against my chest. He let out a chuckle. "You don't swear in front of your older brother. Where are your manners?"
"Shoved up in my ass." I snorted. I was already pissed at him for dragging me to school. I wanted to stay at home, shut myself in my room, watch some stupid rom-com when I know a hundred per cent that I must have watched it many times. But every time, I re-watch, it feels like I'm watching the scenes for the first time.
I would love to avoid any interaction with the outer world and the human beings because I know they'd watch me like I'm some alien. I've got that look, a lot lately. Everyone in town practically go awweeee poor girl on me. I don't need that, I don't want their sympathetic eyes making it any worse for me.
He took a turn and we entered a property. He pulled up into a spot on the far side of the parking lot and stepping out of the car, he walked to my door to open it and help me out of the car. I looked up at the building, a huge one with so many windows on it. The building was fully covered with white paint, the same that they had on the hospital.
Ugh.
So this place as well is hell for me.
"This is your school." He stated, standing right next to me. Eastwood High School. More like a one-way ticket to hell. I remember, Aurora was in the same school. Yes, she was here. I and dad used to drop her here.
"Are you all right?" He asked once he saw me looking at the building with narrow eyes. I feel like the new kid, I don't know anybody, or maybe I do, but I don't remember.
"You leave me here, all alone with those strangers and ask me, am I all right?" I asked. "Do I look all right to you?" I tried not to lose my calm. I wanted to stay at home.
"You're not a stranger to them." He stated. "Well duh, but they are, to me." I scoffed. Whatever these people know about me, I know nothing about myself. I don't know anybody here.
"You have Jamie and Neil." He tried to cheer me up.
"Oh, I'll thank them for their supporting role."
"Stop being a bore, Ally." He laughed at me. He fucking laughed on my face.
"That's my best act up for the day."
"Let me walk you inside." He stated.
"I don't need help. I can walk through the gates of hell, all by myself." I've never been a fan of school, but I know I was a big-time nerd. I loved reading, everything and anything. Aurora would let me read her books, I loved the idea of homeschooling and wanted that for myself. But dad didn't agree. He wanted me to meet the new world. He thought I had made up my world with my family, but that was not enough to survive. I had to go to school, just like my siblings.
He ignored my comment and walked with me, towards the building. So, he is already ignoring my sarcasm. Well great.
On our way to the door, I already had fifty - ohh now fifty-one eyes on me. I cannot read any expression, they all are basically robots on their face. I feel exposed, I don't know why but their stares made me uncomfortable.
Landon gave them all an eye and they walked away, without further eye contact with me.
"Woah, what was that?" I asked. He gave me a confused look. "Your one stare and they all walked away. Have you cast some spell on them?"
"People won't bother you, I promise." He stated in a low voice. I nodded, my eyes glued on the ground as we walked. I felt nervous, terrible, scared of the thought that this new start will be hard for me. I'm going to start it all over again when these people have practically moved on in their lives. They are ahead of me in everything and I start it over again.
It feels like a burden to be left out in the world of fast-moving humans. Everyone is busy in their schedules that they don't stop for a moment and worry about their own lives. How can I expect them to stop for me and be there for me? They are moving fast, while I'm still learning back how to walk. I will fail while trying to cope up with their speed. I'll tremble and fall, I'll hurt myself and yet no one will bother to stop and ask if I'm okay.
"Hey, you okay?" I heard him ask. I guess I'm wrong. Landon did stop, he paused his life to walk back the already taken route, to be there for me. Dad did the same. They stopped moving ahead and instead took their steps back to take me along with them.
I nodded, trying to cheer up about the whole situation. But the ugly truth is, I won't have Landon and Dad forever with me. They were always around, back at home. But here, things will be different. They can't be with me, in school.
From here, everything I do, I'll have to be on my own. These people like I said, they don't know the new me and it might take time to adjust to this environment. I've been a slow learner lately and I don't blame myself for my situation. Nothing is in my hand, other than just starting over again.
I was lost in time and now I've to cope up with the present. It'll be hard, I know. But I have Landon and Dad by my side, I have Aurora with me, but most importantly, I still have me, to be there for myself. I'm going to help myself with the new learning in life and I'm going to be there, to hold me.
⚛⚛⚛
- Hi there.
I hope you guys enjoyed the first chapter. Some of you must have figured out what is wrong with Alyssa and yeah...soon it will be revealed.
Please keep reading and leave a vote, if you enjoyed the chapter. ❤