Sam
Hayley sat down cross-legged on my bed with huddled shoulders, letting her gaze travel through the room. Oh shit. Probably should've cleaned up. I had no idea how I'd done it, but in the short time I'd been home I managed to scatter about a dozen socks, create three piles of shirts and pants, and litter the floor with candy wrappers. I bent down to pick up an empty ginger cookie packaging, carefully placing it on my desk. "Err, I'm going to recycle that," I said, flashing her an uncertain smile.
She laughed, one of those giggly laughs, making her toes wiggle in the penguin-socks. "You know, you used to like, hate me for telling you to sort your trash."
"But I still did it," I said. "And have you seen the solar panels on the roof? That was my idea."
She smiled slyly, tilting her head. "You want a medal for that? There's a lot more to do before you've earned that, Sam. You know what I did today? I finished building a compost heap."
"Well, I drive an electric car!"
"I rarely drive."
"I planted a tree!"
"I planted ten trees."
"Yeah, well, I'm a vegetarian!"
That made her break out into full-blown laughter, the whole of her shaking as she let herself fall back on my mattress. What was so funny? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I was dead serious. This was a matter of life and extinction, and she should know that, with her majoring in Environmental Studies.
She turned her head to me. Her hair was spread out around her, and her shirt had ridden up, revealing a part of her belly. "Oh, I forgot that you could be so adorable," she said.
Adorable? I was adorable? Who did she think she was, calling me something you used for puppies? I opened my mouth — but closed it again immediately. Maybe being adorable wasn't that bad. I mean, she loved puppies, right? So, yeah, maybe it wasn't that bad, not coming from this cute girl that was lying in my bed at night, in those funny penguin socks.
No, no, no! Do not get distracted by hot chicks in your bed. Focus on the mission! That was the most important. I couldn't forget, and I couldn't let myself get sidetracked. If I'd try anything with Hayley, I'd surely mess up. And she thought I was a knucklehead anyway, so there was no point. Besides, she might not even like guys. "Yeah, right, okay," I said, hoping my face wasn't as red as it felt like it was. "Let's evaluate what we saw."
For some reason, she rolled her eyes at that. "Are you a college professor or something?" she said, sitting up again. Her hair was slightly static, and she started combing through it. "It was pretty straightforward, right? They were flirty, then she cried and ruined it."
Okay, that was pretty much it, yes. Thank god she didn't go into more detail. It still felt icky, seeing them like that. I'd wanted to barge in and break up their little meeting more times than I could count. If Hayley hadn't been there, I probably would have. "Yeah, so, next time, what do we do to stop her from bawling like a baby?"
"Err, what about telling your jackass brother not to bring up her dead dad again?"
Fair point. I still couldn't believe he did that. You'd expect that from me, not from him. "Yeah, but it's not like we can do anything about that, right?"
She let out a deep sigh and held up her hair, like she was tired of her head carrying the weight, then dropped it again. A pity, since she had nice shoulders. Wait, what could be nice about shoulders? They were just humps of meat with bones in them. "Actually," she said, "I think we can't do anything at all. I mean, unless you want to go to them and yell 'kiss already', I really think there's zero options. It's out of our hands. Your brother has to do this on his own."
"But then it'll be a disaster!"
Hayley nodded. "Yeah, that's likely. But don't forget it's June he's dealing with. She really doesn't like bullshit."
That was true too. Still, being forced to watch on the sidelines while Nathan screwed up the only chance to fix all this was nerve-wracking. I groaned, sitting down beside her, trying not to picture June leaving again, Hayley going back to college, and my brother back to being a boring-ass dude. Why couldn't they just give in already?
"Ouch!" Hayley'd elbowed me in the ribs, totally unnecessary. I rubbed my painful skin, glaring down at her. "What was that for? Do you always have to hurt me?"
She rolled her eyes. "That didn't hurt." Then, her face grew serious, and she eyed me like she was trying to determine if I was plastic or aluminum. "Why are you so suddenly okay with this, though? I mean, I remember when you were like, accusing Nathan of incest."
I stiffened. Yeah, not my best moment. Although from my point of view, my reaction had been entirely logical. "I'm not okay with this," I said, "but I'm also not not okay with this."
"What?"
"It's like... have you ever rediscovered a game you used to like? Like when you haven't played RuneScape in ages, and then you come across it again, and you're like: 'man, these were good times'?"
"Can't say I have, actually."
"Just work with me for a second. I don't know, make it an old dress you find in the back of your closet."
"Because girls only care about clothes?"
Really? Did she have to go there? She probably wouldn't believe me, but that hurt, more than I'd ever admit. "Don't be like that. It was just an example. I'm not my father. I know girls are actual people, you know."
There was a tiny smile, and she bumped her fist in my side, softly this time. "I know you're not your father. Sorry. Go on with your... whatever it was."
I couldn't help but stare at her. She apologized for something. To me. That was a first. Maybe she didn't think I was a useless dipshit after all? The possibility lifted me up, and suddenly, what I was trying to say didn't seem as dense anymore. "Yeah, right. So, a week or so ago, when I returned home from college, I realized something. Nathan, he had this huge smile on his face. It felt weird but in a good way — and then it was just like playing an old game. I hadn't realized it was missing until I saw it again. The smile, I mean. What kind of brother would I be if I'd keep him from the thing that makes him that happy?"
Hayley didn't say anything. For a tiny moment, I was scared she would laugh at me, that I didn't make any sense — I didn't even know if I was making any sense. Maybe that was why June was the writer, and I wasn't. I did feel things, though how could I put those to words?
Then, Hayley's lips started to tremble.
Oh no. Please, no.
They curled downwards, and she sniffed, once, twice.
Oh, shit shit shit. What did I do?
Now tears were leaving her eyes, one by one, and before I could even grasp what was happening, she dove into me, crashing her head into my chest, where she continued to cry, gasping for breaths in between.
Okay. That was unexpected. I placed my hand on her back, patting it awkwardly. "Err, are you okay?"
"Yeah," I heard her wheezy voice saying below me. "I just missed this. Missed you."
Oh.
My heart felt hot, and my skin did too, and there was a tingle in my toes. "Err, yeah. Missed — missed you too."
Ha. Look at that. Maybe there was a writer in me, after all.
I paced back and forth in my room, kicking dirty socks aside everywhere I went. Two days. Two days until I had to go back to college.
Two days left to fix this.
Maybe today would be it. Maybe, at Albert's retirement party, June would be looking all pretty and dressed up, and he would have the courage to do whatever he needed to do. He'd said so, after all, yesterday, when he came home, breathing fast, his hair sticking up. It'd been kind of scary, to be honest. "I'm not going to mess this up again," he'd said to me, without so much as a hello, and I wondered if he was even aware it was me he was talking to.
"Err, okay, bro. You alright?"
He shook his head. He was holding his jacket in both hands, really tight, like he thought someone was going to steal it. Still, there was something impressive about seeing him like this, with his shoulders straight. When had he ever seemed this determined? He sped up the stairs, then stopped so abruptly he almost fell, turning around to face me. "Sam," he said, walking a few steps down. "You need to know something. I told June — I told her I love her."
What the hell? All that planning and fear that he'd never have the guts, and then he just did it, without Hayley and me even knowing? I gaped at him — maybe I was still asleep because this was too big of a 180 to be real. "You did what?"
"I told June I love her. Because I do."
"Yeah, I kind of know that."
He opened his mouth — and closed it, frowning instead. "You do?"
I scratched the back of my head, trying to avoid his gaze. It'd never been this hard to look at him. These weren't the sort of conversations we had, him and me, being all serious, and I didn't know what to do. "Well, it's kind of obvious. And I did find you and her together once, remember?" I jerked my head back in the direction of the carpet. No way I was going to say 'kissing' out loud.
He was quiet. Maybe he was as embarrassed as I was — two years had gone by without bringing that up, and now, I still wasn't ready for it. "Yeah," he said then. "You were pretty mad."
"Yeah, and I had a pretty good reason to be mad."
He nodded slowly. "Maybe you did."
Another silence filled up the hallway, heavy with things that should be said out loud. I wasn't sure how to, so I just went for it: "Also... also because you left, you know. For London." It felt entitled and childish now, and I guess it probably was.
"Yeah, I don't know why I did that. Sorry."
"Nah, it's me that's sorry. You're not my dad, you know. You didn't have to do all that stuff for me."
He looked away too, inspecting a tiny hole in the wall where someone had chipped off a bit of paint. It was like one of those movie moments in which two people fell into each other's arms and started crying, and I hoped to god he would never go that far. "Maybe not. But I wanted to."
A grin took over my face, though I quickly hid it. No need to make this any more awkward than it already was. "Well, thanks, I guess."
"Are you still mad?"
"About what?"
"June. That I love her."
It took all my strength to not cringe at those words — I might not be not okay with it, it was going to take a long time to get used to it. I shrugged, keeping my face straight. "As long as I don't have to go two years without seeing her again, I guess I'm fine with it."
"Good. Not that you had any say in it anyway."
He smiled, and I grinned back at him. Look at him being all tough. "So, what did she say?"
"She's pissed off. Need to give her proof."
For some reason, I snickered. That was such a June-thing to ask for. Some guy tells you he loves you, and you demand proof. "So, what are you going to do?"
"Prove it, of course."
And seeing him run up those stairs, I'd found myself thinking that, hell, the whole lawyer thing suited him after all.
But I hadn't heard from him since, and Hayley texted me saying June wasn't talking about the love-confession at all — why did that girl have to be so stubborn? Hayley was sure June loved Nathan, and she knew these things. So why get angry? Usually, June wasn't this senseless, and this really wasn't a good moment to throw logic out of the window.
What kind of proof did she want?
An airplane banner in the sky that said JUNE I LOVE YOU? Come on, she wasn't that cheesy, right?
Couldn't they just give in and be happy and give me some peace?
At that moment, the doorbell rang.
Yes! My heartbeat started racing, and I jumped up, sprinting down the landing. That must be Hayley with good news — Nathan had finally convinced June, and she was going to move in here... Just wait...
I rushed down the stairs, so fast I was almost flying, thinking about how I would hug Hayley to death, because I'd missed her, and I would never have to again... I yanked the front door open, and there, before me —
were my parents.
What the hell?
Mom was clad in a long, beige coat, her spoofed up lips a bright red, in her hands a revolting leather handbag. Next to her stood dad, his stomach grown exponentially since I last saw him — it must've been years since he'd seen his own dick while peeing. He was balding; the little hair that was left was white and flimsy. If I wouldn't have known them, I'd have thought he was on his third marriage with a much younger wife.
Sadly, I did know them. All too well.
"Sammy boy! Oh, how big you are... Come here, sweetie." Before I could say anything, she'd attacked me, squishing me like a soap bottle. New perfume, again.
Dad patted my shoulder. "Hello, son," he said, nodding behind me. "Nice ride your brother's got. Things are going well, hey?"
Yeah, a Lexus in the driveway. That was clearly the only thing you needed for things to go well. My life is awesome — I drive a Lexus. Like Nathan cared about that. It was just a part of the job for him, and not the part he liked.
"Err, what are you doing here?" I asked.
How messed up was that. Asking your parents what they were doing there. I bet none of my friends had ever been in this situation.
Mom lifted her arms and smiled widely. "What do you think? We're here for the party of course. We heard Nathan's getting a promotion, and they're saying he's finally marrying Charlotte. What kind of parents would want to miss out on that?"
Parents.
That she had the nerve to call herself a parent. After all this time, how long had it been, a year maybe, they showed up again, only because they thought their oldest son was climbing the social ranks. They hadn't even visited me at college, had only sent me an email and some money, and here they were, who knows why, forcing themselves back into our lives like they were some kind of animal that migrated to the north for the better part of the year.
No.
I was done with them.
I didn't need the additional stress of having these vultures lurking around me for the rest of the day — and Nathan definitely didn't as well.
"I think you should leave."
The second I said it, a huge weight fell from my shoulders, apparently landing on my mom's toes, who suddenly sucked in her cheeks, all fake warmth gone from her fake face.
"Excuse me?" she said, her voice high.
"You heard what I said. Leave."
Mom exchanged a bewildered look with dad. He stuck his chin in the air, clearing his throat. "Boy, that is no way to talk to your mother—"
Oh, hell no. I wasn't going to let him lecture me. He had zero power over me. He'd given that up a long time ago. "Shut up." He did, like I'd punched him on the nose. I wasn't taller than him, but now it felt like I was, towering far above him. "I want both of you to go away, and I don't really need to see you again."
"But...—"
"Nathan doesn't want to see you either. And for your information, no, he won't be promoted today, and there's not going to be any marrying either — at least not to Charlotte."
Even through them being offended, I could see their disappointment, just as ugly as that expensive bag mom was carrying. Until then, it'd been great, finally putting them in their place — but what did it matter? They didn't care what I thought of them. They only cared what others thought about them.
"He might be marrying June, though," I said, and I didn't know why — I just knew the shock on their faces gave me an adrenaline kick. "You remember her? My friend from school?"
Mom's eyes were wider than I thought they could be, with all that botox. "The special needs girl?"
I gritted my teeth, wanting to kick that revolting handbag of her so bad. "That's not how I'd describe her, but yeah, the special needs girl. Congrats. Seems like unlike the both of you, your son has got some brains in his head."
Again, they glanced at each other, obviously thinking the opposite was true. Shit, they must've been the most superficial people on the planet. Were they even our real parents?
"So, you can go now," I said, pointing to the street. "Go. There's nothing left for you here. I didn't get into an Ivy League school. I like a girl who only wears secondhand clothing. Nathan's in love with a disabled girl. There's nothing for you two to boast about. Nothing."
Mom swallowed, straightening her back. "Sam, I won't tolerate you speaking to me like that. I am still your mother, and —"
I didn't know where it came from. It was this monster, feeding off my distress for nineteen years now, and now, it clawed itself a way out, roaring to celebrate its escape: "YOU ARE NOT MY MOTHER!"
She threw a look over her shoulder, checking to see if anyone heard that. He just stood there, mouth agape, like he was only watching television.
I was trying to catch my breath — shit, that felt good. Awesome. I should've done that earlier, years ago. "You know what a mother does? Not come by once a year! Brandon's mother texts him almost every day to wish him goodnight. Chí's dad randomly takes him to movies. His mom buys him clothes. Ezra's parents video chat with him once a week. And June's dad? The only way he'd ever leave his daughter was if he died, and he did. You aren't parents. You've never done anything to deserve that title."
No response. What could they say after this? They must've realized it was the truth, and why would they go against it? Like I'd told them, there was nothing left for them here.
"Go away!" I said again, and I could've lifted a car in that moment. "You have no right to be in my life or in Nathan's, for that matter. You fucked us up, and you never should've had kids!"
I had a whole lot still to yell if necessary, ages of cooped up anger, ready to be unleashed, to chase them out of the street, out of town, out of state, but there was no need. She shook her head, muttering something about being ungrateful, then linked her arm through his. Without another word, they turned around, him slowly shuffling forwards, her stumbling on her high heels. I could hear them mumbling to each other.
Neither looked back.
And I watched them disappear, becoming smaller and smaller, further and further away from me. Good job, Sam. I was never going to see them again, and shit, I couldn't imagine anything better than that.
I had my own family, after all. A real one.