Harry Styles
Six pairs of eyes, a dreary room, and a lit fire. Everyone was silent, but not one persons mind was quiet.
It's been 3 hours since Niall lodged the bullet through Erica's windpipe; ending everything once and for all. Since then, Amelia had a breakdown, Niall had a breakdown, Audrey woke up and had a breakdown, and now everything was just—silent.
We were all staring at the fireplace with utter silence.
Everything in the past 3 hours has been a blur, I don't remember much. There's certain key point that come to my mind but I know I'm missing a lot.
I'm remember two hours ago Audrey came back from her unconscious state with a headache and a question of where Louis was. When Amelia bravely fumbled out the words of he won't be coming back, she broke down.
She screamed, cried, pulled her hair and prayed that it wasn't true. Her body was curled on the cold hardwood floor in sobs while Amelia tried to do anything she could to help her at such a helpless time. Amelia would have her arms wrapped around her body that was curled on the floor, nothing but screams of Audrey's denial filling the room. Niall and I stood there on the sideline like statues, broken hearts hearing her cry out for our parted friend and someone she loved.
I remember seeing Amelia's forehead resting on Audrey's curled back, tears coasting from her eyes and her empathetic heart. I remember turning my head to my left to see Niall standing there staring at the floor while a single tear rolled down his worn cheek from the loss of his best friend. I remember having Briar in my arms this entire time, but she was silent. Maybe it was wrong of me to let her witness all this, but she just watched as Audrey fell apart from the loss of her own love. The emotion made Briar sad, but she didn't cry.
I remember an hour ago, Audrey hit pure silence of denial but Amelia had her own private breakdown in the other room. I remember noticing her absence for too long, striking concern within me. But when I went into the bedroom, I saw her sitting on the floor with her knees to her chest and the phone to her ear. She was crying in silence to herself, sitting near the window as dusk was approaching. The cellphone was aligned with her ear, stumbled words coming from her lips to her father on the other end.
I remember watching secretly as she told the devastating news to her father who just lost his wife to a battle she wasn't apart of. I remember hearing her say she was sorry over and over again like this was any of her doing. I remember hearing the pain in her voice telling her dad they just had each other now.
And worst of all, I remember hearing her tell him through the phone that she wish it was her over Mary.
When she got off the phone, she broke down in silent cries of hope no one heard her through these parapet walls. She didn't know I was watching while she fell back on her side in sobs of her passed mother. Her body curled on the harsh floor while her face scrunched up in devastation. I remember vividly seeing the tears shooting to the floor to create a puddle next to her head, open palms pressed to the flooring. This position was the same position I was in when my sister died and I went back to the dingy motel alone.
I remember coming into the room right when I saw Amelia do this, running right up to her on the floor and wrapping my arms around her shaking body. I remember lifting and pulling her into my lap sideways, holding her in anyway I could as she sobbed. I remember her tears staining my t-shirt, the density of the room as she white knocked my fabric. I remember my hand hurting so fucking bad, but nothing compared to how my heart felt for this broken woman I loved.
I remember embracing her silently for forty five minutes, whispering words of sympathy in her ear as she cried in return.
I remember crying with her but holding it back as much as I could to be strong for her, I remember how much I wanted to change the past.
And now here we were, all staring numb at the fireplace in a half circle on the floor. Nothing but the sounds of occasional sharp breaths and swallows being heard over the crackling of firewood burning away.
I held Briar in my lap, her eyes on the fire in her wild world. Amelia to my left, Audrey curled into her shoulder while Amelia's cheekbone leaning on the top of her head. Audrey was shivering while Amelia's eyes looked dead if emotion. Niall was next to Audrey, his knees popped and his hands resting on top of them. Scars littered his skin that he had no rush to fix, the fire glow making these marks on him more visual.
When there was a noise at the front door, we all turned our heads in startle. Niall was already almost on his feet as the door opened but in came Liam.
We all relaxed as Liam entered timidly, except for Audrey who has never met him. She still had a look of fear in her eyes before Amelia got her attention.
"It's okay." Amelia immediately whispered to her. "He's our friend it's okay." She repressed, which relaxed her.
Liam slowly came in and shut the door behind him, his eyes looking to the fireplace that was the only source of light in this dark house. When we made eye contact, he gave me a subtle nod.
"It's over." He murmured from across the room. "Salvations gone, and the only Malignant members left are you two."
The room was in utter silence as he spoke, nothing but the sounds of the crackling fire again. It was over, we were free. I was going to get to spend the rest of my life a free man and get to finally give my family the safe life they deserve.
But happiness wasn't in the syllabus today, celebration wasn't on anyone's mind. Happiness felt like a price, and I was never going to get it without the sacrifice of others.
We lost two people; a best friend, and a mother.
Both people that were so brave and it hurts me to know I couldn't stop either of them from passing. They both deserved so much more in life and maybe if I died first, they would still live.
"Thank you Liam." I murmured, haven't even giving it the slightest thought of how he was here and not recovering like he should be.
It hurts me to see him here, weapons strapped to him. Without him I would be dead and Amelia too. So the amount of gratitude I have for him is unmeasurable but the fact he went back to the life he tried so hard to recover from really made me upset. He was living his new life to patch up the old one that fucked up his mentality so bad. He looked so healthy and normal when I saw him at rehab, and now he was standing in my house with guns and other weaponry attached to his belt.
"Liam, can I talk to you for a second?" I whisper, my voice choppy and scratchy.
He nods from the other end of the room, causing me to get up and hand Briar off to Niall.
"Can't you just hold her for a second?" I murmur as he nodded.
With his help I place her in his lap, using my good hand. I stand up and nod for Liam to follow me into the kitchen that was secluded enough for privacy. We get in there and I lean my back against the island, him standing in front of me. There was a small glow from the stove light on, illuminating our faces just the slightest bit.
"They really fucked your hand up.." Liam said as I kept my hand down. It was in pain constantly but there was nothing I could really do about it beside not use it.
"Yeah..erm... they broke all my fingers and my hand." I look down at how it's becoming awful shades of purple green bruises. It's non functional, I can't even take the rings off of it because my fingers swelled around them. I haven't even begin to think if there was permanent nerve damage or not.
"Fuck.." He said while staring at my hand.
"It's fine, once I get to a hospital it will heal. But I'm more concerned about you." I state.
"What about me?" He was lost.
"Are you gonna heal?" I clarify.
He went silent for a second, leaning back against the opposing counter top. His eyes met the ground, hands holding the counter edge behind him.
"I'm fine Harry, you don't need to worry about me after everything else that's happened." He states while looking at his feet. "You need to worry about you family."
"Liam you're my family too."
He looks back up at me, meeting eyes again.
"I'm okay, I couldn't let you all die." He whispers.
"You don't understand how much I owe you for what you did. But now I'm scared this ruined all your progress. How did you even find out about the war?" I asked.
"Not even rehab could keep news like that a secret. I knew that's why you told me two months ago to at least stay there for two months. I found out the details, left in the night. I couldn't let you guys all die when I was a reason of this gang too— that I helped create it. I knew it was the last fight, and if I was gonna die with you all then that was what I needed to do. And now it's over, and I had the closure I needed." He explains while rubbing the back of his neck, even in the dark I could see his blue veins up his arms.
"Are you going back?" I ask.
"Yeah, I am. I don't think I'm done recovering just yet. But with this experience it gave me closure knowing not one Salvation member would walk the earth again and everyone was free. It's good knowing no one will have to go through torture because of them." He explained calmly.
"I'm glad you think of it that way. I just don't want this to set you back." I murmur.
"It won't, I didn't do much besides blow up that crowd." He shrugs.
"That's a lot."
"Seems like it, but not compared to what they did to me." He says with a world of complications in his eyes.
Silence filled the room again, because I didn't know what to say and I'm sure he didn't either. Nothing will ever cover up the guilt I had for what Liam's been through when I thought he was dead. It was the pure definition of leaving a man behind. And because I didn't help him, he was permanently scarred of emotional trauma.
"I'm sorry Liam." I feel like I don't say it enough.
He gives me a simple half smirk, shaking his head.
"Don't be, I'm okay. Everything is done and now we never have to look back." He turns it around so I don't feel bad.
"This is our second chance at life." I whisper, realizing it hasn't hit me yet.
"I know, you better make the fucking most of it Styles. You're a lucky man for what you have out there." He directs his meaning to the living room that had Amelia and Briar in it.
"What about you?"
"What about me?" He repeats from earlier.
"You got a pretty good team out there too, and in here." I say, hoping he understands what I meant.
He smiles lightly, running his hand back through his messy hair.
"I do, don't I?"
I nodded and smiled as much as I could through these dark times.
Before I said anything else, he leaned forward and hugged me. I didn't get to process what was happening until his arms were wrapped around me tight.
But I wrapped my arms around him too, and I shut my eyes.
It was an unspoken embrace, something neither of us needed to explain and decipher. I was grateful he was okay, I just wish we all were. He's gonna recover fully and go on to do better things, good things. Liam deserves so much from what he's been through, I'm happy he had his closure.
"Louis' gone." He whispers into the hug, just making me pinch my eyes shut harder.
I nodded, a miserable nod.
"I know." I whispered back, my lungs going stiff.
I pulled away and opened my eyes again, feeling my sinuses getting thick but I had to fight it. I've cried so much today, so fucking much. I needed to get myself together but my mind was in scrambles of everything that has happened and I was a mix of raw emotion and numbness.
He dropped his head down and shook it, the thoughts of Louis making me sick to my stomach.
"Go sit with everyone in the living room, Niall probably wants to see you." I whispered, clearing my throat.
"Okay, I'll see you out there." He nodded, making me nod back.
He walks out of the kitchen as I stayed still in my spot leaned against the counter. The room was dark and silent, my shattered hand aching in a pain I couldn't fix. I gazed out the window to the dusk street, my chest feeling heavy and my eyes becoming pricked with tears.
"No more of this nice sappy stuff, we have guys to go kill." Louis takes his hands out of his pocket and runs his hand back into his hair, getting amped up.
The vision of Louis flashed in my mind, it was so fresh. Less then twelve hours ago I was standing with him and Niall right before the war began. I remember the expression on his face, the way his hair sat, the paleness in his cheeks.
I looked at the closed back door that led to the dark backyard. Like many times before I was drawn to the darkness and walked my way quietly to it. My good hand grabbed the cold door handle and turned it open, immediately feeling the night breeze.
Holding my breath, I stepped outside and silently closed the door behind me in hope no one from the living room would hear my exit. I looked out at the dark backyard, seeing nothing but the half moon high in the sky.
The air was cold and somber, parallel to the disfiguration I felt in my aching blood and thumping heart. I walked in my bare feet onto the stifled green grass, a certain heavy sickness deep within my stomach I couldn't rid. I dragged further from the house until I reached the centre of the lawn, my weak legs not taking anymore until I fell to my scraped knees.
"If you want Briar back, you need to get clean." Louis added in a murmur, both of them sitting cross legged in front of me on the kitchen floor.
I looked up at the moon bright in the black sky, my eyes getting sharp in wetness from the corners.
It wasn't until my face became uncontrollably tense and my lip quivered that I let it all go. Staring at the moon that was now blurry, my mind was only on Louis.
I pinched my eyes shut when I couldn't take keeping them open anymore, trying not to make a single noise to bother the nature of the night. My lips parted but I wasn't audible, I wasn't even breathing for that matter. My lungs were aching for air I couldn't filter and my skin couldn't even think to iron out the ripples of my tense emotion.
"It doesn't matter Louis! The bottom line is she's dead now!"
"And I'm sorry okay!" He blurts out in a shout, making both of us go silent. It just seems like something he wouldn't ever say, nothing I've ever heard him say at least. "I'm sorry for killing Amelia alright? Even if it wasn't actually her."
I fell forward so my forehead met the cold grass, balled up on my knees and holding my stomach in desperation of this pain going away. My mind shuffled through moments with Louis I never thought were so special until he was gone. Knowing I'll never get to relive these moments with him or make new ones were hurting me in a place I haven't felt in a long time.
Right as I'm about to expect the end, I see the man in front of me get tackled to the ground from the side. He collapses to the ground by one of my gang members with brown hair.
I look down for a moment to see that it was Louis who tackled the guys. He looks up at me for a split second and shouts.
"Go!" He yells while holding the leader down.
Louis was cold, tough, and the most stubborn guy I've ever met besides myself. But, he had so much to live for and was growing into a person he never knew he could be.
I am disappointed with life that he didn't get to see himself all the way through.
"Why are you in the crib?" I immediately asks in confusion.
"Okay what about 'thanks Louis for watching my baby?'" Louis says with attitude, standing up and swinging his leg over the side, awkwardly hopping out still half asleep.
"Thank you for watching her, but why the hell are you in her crib?" I restate.
"She wouldn't go to sleep unless I was holding her god damnit. I think your baby is broken or something because literally any time I'd step away she'd cry, but every time I held her she passed right out!"
"Why didn't you just sleep in a bed with her Lou? Instead of squeezing yourself into her crib."
He scratches the back of his neck, "I was afraid she'd roll off it or something."
I grabbed a fist full of the grass next to me and ripped it from the ground beneath me. Tears were blanketed by face at this point and I started to hyperventilate to myself. I sat back up and covered my mouth with the back of my hand, shaking and crying like it would never stop.
My brain couldn't decipher that he was really gone, that this all happened because of me.
"Harry never killed your bloody girlfriend. He let her go." Louis states strongly, not looking nervous at all. "When she ran, I put the bullet through her head. He didn't kill her, if anything he did the opposite."
"Don't listen to him." I shake my head.
I looked at Louis who stood there strongly, not a viable ounce of regret or fear on his face. He looked at me for a second and nodded, almost in a gesture that he has my back.
I started pulling my hair with my one hand, crying as quietly as I could in the pitch black. My heart was thrashing and I couldn't stomach the thought of what I witnessed today with Louis and how it was all my fault.
I was suppose to die today, that bullet was for me until Louis stepped up and took the fall for something he didn't need to. All he's ever done was sacrifice himself for us.
The boy that was suppose to live forever, died today in such a cruel way. That was suppose to be me, that bullet was meant to kill me. He would've survived if he never got such an unfair start, Louis always survives.
I looked back up at the sky through my swollen vision and parted lips. My airways all felt plugged except for hyperventilation that wasn't even letting me retain the air I was so rapidly choking down my windpipe. My throat was hurting in thick pressure, tight and hitched.
"I'm so sorry Lou–Louis." I said painfully into the sky, staring at the moon.
I shook my head; "I'll never b–be able to tell you how sorry I am."
I dropped my head into my hand and kept shaking it, sharp staggered breaths stabbing my throat and filling my body with pain. None of this felt real, it felt like a twisted dream and I was in hell. My emotions were unleashed into a path with no end, every aspect of my body in pain but it will never amount to the pain I deserve.
I couldn't think straight, breathe, do anything besides cry over the thought that I'll never see Louis again.
"It should've been me god dammit!" I shouted into the infected air, my voice barely audible.
I suddenly left a presence that I didn't even notice came out here until they were on their knees in front of me, grabbing my face to look at them.
"Harry!" I was faced to face with Niall's blue eyes who cut me off from my spiralling breakdown. "This isn't your fault! Listen to me." He held my face firmly, sitting on his knees as the moonlight was the only thing making him seen in the dark.
"That bullet should've been for me Niall!" I shouted in cries, not caring to hold back in front of anyone anymore.
"Kyle killed him because he killed his girlfriend!" It is not you fault." He shouted so I could hear him over my breakdown.
"Kyle always thought I killed her! Kyle was suppose to kill me if Louis didn't sacrifice himself."
"But that's what Louis does Harry! He sacrifices himself to protect the people he cares about without ever admitting it! That's who he always was and the fact that he's dead is not your fault." Niall shouted over my hyperventilations.
"I should've jumped in f–front of the bullet." I shook my head.
"We both know it happened too fast for you to even breathe Harry. I know you would've taken that bullet if you had a chance but it was too fucking quick. You can't blame yourself, it's no ones fault except Kyle who pulled the trigger. He is our best friend and he never deserved such an unfair fight but you can't go on with the rest of your life thinking there was something you could've done." Niall, who was keeping himself together, tried his hardest to get me to see things in a different light.
"He was in love, he was g–going to have a child. He was going to be more then Malignant ever was, he was going to be a good m–man." I sobbed like a baby but nothing was holding me back now in such a vulnerable situation.
"Louis is a good man, but this was fate, a cruel fate but his fate. He died being strong and fearless, you know that's all he would've wanted for himself. He was the all the courage and bravery this gang was made of and when Malignant died he did with it. He's onto greater things, a new life and no matter what you think you could've done you couldn't stop this from happening." Niall still held my face with no intentions to let go, he spoke in such a strong tone that I envied he had. I was suppose to be strong, but I was so far from it right now.
His eyes were rimmed red but he kept himself together well, or maybe it was just dark I couldn't actually see what his true emotions was.
"I need you to understand what I'm saying Harry, please." He repeated sternly. "It's important you understand me."
I stared at him in silent, holding my breath. Time felt like it was moving so slow as we sat here in the middle of the backyard lawn in solid darkness.
I slowly nodded, trying to control my breathing.
"It's not your fault." He repeats, staring so strongly into my eyes to the point I couldn't look away if I even wanted too.
"He deserved so much more." I whispered in my chopped voice, shaking my head now.
He moved his hands back from my face and brought them to his lap, a certain look of pain in his eyes too. Silence filled between the two of us in the quiet space, grass stains on our knees mixed with the debris of war.
His lips formed to a line, eyes glazed of tears he held back.
"Louis simply deserved the world, but not this one."
//
amen
I hope everyone understands Niall last statement wasn't him saying Louis doesn't deserve to live, it's that he deserves a world better then the destruction of this one.
I'm so sorry I know it's been a few weeks, you won't wait that long for the next. There's been a lot of planning and such for the end mixed with everything else so patience please! love you sooo much. Also a reminder that when the last chapter comes, you'll know cause I'll tell you.