James Potter and Lily Evans' relationship had been going strong for over a month, and all of Lyra's selfish hopes and dreams of them only being a rebound fling faded more and more for every day.
She just wanted to cry. And she did cry. A lot. But only when nobody could see her. Because, as far as anybody knew, Lyra hadn't ever loved James and that was just the way she needed it to be.
Not wanted. She wanted to be with him all day, every day. But she had made a choice to protect him. She couldn't just give up because she was hurt. She loved him so much more than she wanted to be with him. If her pain was needed for his safety, she could live through pain for decades.
Late march had approached, meaning the 27th. The day that James turned eighteen. Lyra had a feeling there was going to be a huge party in the Gryffindor common room that night, not that she'd be invited anymore.
The worst part was that it was a reminder of how much time had passed. Lyra had broken up with James in early January. She hadn't held him, kissed him or told him she loved him for almost three months.
That meant there was less and less of a chance of him realizing she had lied and for him to choose to fight for her. Part of her wanted him to. The other part couldn't bare the thought of him being tortured and killed because of her selfishness.
No, she needed to be selfless for once in her life. This was her opportunity and she had taken it gladly.
Lyra was sure her wistful stares were quite obvious on March 27th, her gaze always straying towards the Gryffindor table at lunch. Some people tried to start conversations with her, but she never really gave them much incentive to continue, so they left her alone.
Watching James meant watching Lily, and the way they were practically snogging each other's faces off in celebration of his eighteenth. They weren't usually so public with their affection, which made everything much harder for the Slytherin girl that day.
James was a popular boy, too. Head Boy and Quidditch Captain for the house team. Whenever his lips weren't attached to Lily's, he was getting hugs and congratulations from most of the school, some of whom Lyra didn't recognize.
A lot of people had also decided to get him gifts, some that surprised him. He never minded though. He also got several ones delivered to his table and new owls seemed to fly towards him every five minutes.
He got equally excited every time. Like a little kid. Lyra couldn't help but think he was adorable, though she internally cursed herself for thinking so. Her gaze turned sad as she realized he would never share that happiness with her again.
She tried to hide it, because if anybody would see her mourn their relationship then they would know it was real. These past few months, she had tried so hard to rebuild things the way they were. But she was sure Remus caught her looking their way, to which she briskly turned her head away.
Near the end of the meal, it didn't seem like he could get any more presents. The table and the surrounding area were all swamped, to which James, Lily and the other boys laughed cheerfully.
But then an unfamiliar owl flew through the air, approaching him once again. Lyra's eyes widened when she recognized the shape of the parcel it carried. She knew it because she had been the one to order it after he had done such a great job with her birthday.
James looked especially glad to see the gift, though he didn't realize who it was from. But he could recognize the shape of a broomstick from miles away. It quickly became the present he was most excited to unwrap.
With a closer look, unwrapping it, he could see that it had been the new Cleansweep Six he had been talking about wanting. His parents had denied giving it to him, as he had gotten a new broom the Christmas before his seventeenth.
He frowned as he saw a card, wondering who could have given him the gift. He wondered if his father had gotten him a secret present behind his mother's back. He wouldn't have put it past him.
Lyra quickly turned her head away, forcing herself into one of Lucinda's conversations. But she could feel his eyes burning holes in her head. She refused to look back, terrified of how he was looking, how he felt. She couldn't know because then she would feel her heart break even more, no matter what.
▹▹▹
Lyra was by herself for the first time since January, and it wasn't by choice. She just need to find the answer to a question she hadn't understood in Arithmancy, and none of her Slytherin friends took the class. Hanging around them would only be a distraction, so she sat herself on a bench in the courtyard.
Especially as she just needed to get her thoughts together. She had basically just revealed to James that she had loved him with that gift, especially with the gift note included. She hoped he would think what she wrote was part of the lie.
She buried her face in her textbook, hoping nobody would see who she was and try to talk to her. She wasn't ever going to be that lucky when Remus Lupin walked outside and instantly caught sight of her, and quickly started walking towards her.
"Oh, it's you. Didn't recognize you not surrounded by Slytherins," he said, smiling sarcastically at her. She barely glanced up at him, not knowing what she'd say. "It's rare to find you alone these days."
"I don't like feeling alone knowing everything that's going on outside of school walls," she answered carefully. "I even heard rumors that Dumbledore's considering cancelling Hogsmeade trips."
Remus furrowed his eyebrows as he hadn't heard that rumor. He supposed that Professor Slughorn had given some secret information to his favorite Slytherins. "What? Why would he want to do that?"
"Supposedly, some known Death Eaters were spotted there," Lyra shrugged slightly, still not looking at him, refusing to eye contact in fear that he would take it as an invitation to keep the conversation going. "Makes us feel a little less safe."
"Wow," the young werewolf breathed, his eyes wide in surprise. "I can't even imagined Hogwarts without Hogsmeade anymore. I can barely remember what it was like in first and second year when we couldn't go."
"Yeah," Lyra nodded slightly. She hoped that was it, that he would take the hint that she couldn't talk to him. She really wanted to, but she also knew it would only make it so much harder to stay away.
Remus hesitated, but carefully sat down on the bench next to her. He would have asked permission, but he was scared he wouldn't get a yes. "What was that about at lunch? The present to James?"
"I, uh, ordered it before we broke up. I forgot about it so I didn't cancel it," the blonde eighteen-year-old answered him. It wasn't even a lie, because she had always found it a bit hard to lie to Remus.
He raised a disbelieving eyebrow. "If you want to act like you never loved him then you could have avoided sending him a note saying You're the love of my life and I don't want to imagine the world without you."
Lyra closed her eyes. She tried desperately not to cry, no matter how much her body begged for her to release some tears. Crying in front of her the boy that had been her best friend would doom her plans forever. "I tried to love him."
"You did love him. We both know it," he retorted. He looked at her sympathetically, reading her like an open book. He could see the sadness and he had seen it for a long time. "And I see how much it kills you to see him with Lily. Don't even try to deny it."
When she didn't answer, he sighed and looked at her sadly. "I miss you. It couldn't have been easy for you to ignore us and abandon us like you did. Because you were my best friend and I know you felt the same way about me."
"You don't know anything," the blonde responded quietly. She wished she could have spoken more harshly, to make him believe she was angry. But she couldn't pretend like that, not with Remus.
The sandy-haired boy scoffed. He didn't understand how she could say that, not after everything had had been through and everything they had talked about throughout the last two and a half years since they became friends. "I know you better you than you think."
She finally turned to look at him, frowning deeply. She was sure he could see through her. "Things would be so much easier for both of us if you can just pretend like we were never friends."
"I can't. Because you're always going to be my friend and I'm worried about you, Lyra," he said sincerely. "Sirius thinks something happened this Christmas. I can't help but agree with him. James doesn't believe it though. I don't know what you said to make him believe you, but-"
Lyra forced herself to sound meaner, though still not enough for him to even flinch as she cut him off before he could say more. "I told him the truth. And nothing happened this Christmas, I just made up my mind."
"It came out of nowhere. Literally nowhere. We were all happy and now none of us are. How long do you think you'll be able to keep this up?" he asked, seeing how torn she was behind her cold facade.
"I'm fine, Remus," she tried to assure him. Well, the keyword being tried. The way he could see she was lying, she could see he didn't believe. "You don't have to worry about me. I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be."
Before Remus could say something, Peter Pettigrew ran towards them, panting. It was quite obvious that he hadn't done much endurance training lately, looking red and sweaty. "Oi, Moony! Prongs is looking for you. Some prefect business or something."
It took a few seconds before Peter noticed who Remus was talking to. Once he did, he smiled nervously before greeting her. He'd been scared to even mention her name around the Gryffindor common room and now she was right in front of him. "Oh, hi, Lyra. Good to see you."
Lyra smiled slightly at him. She hadn't talked to him in ages, but that wasn't surprising. They had only been friends because they shared love for the other boys, so she knew he would be the easiest to leave behind. It was still sad, though. "Hi, Peter."
Remus clearly didn't want to leave her behind, but if James needed him he'd have to go. He looked at her a final time, smiling comfortingly. "Lyra. It's never too late to change your life around. There's no point of no return with us."
These words meant the word to hear. But she knew she couldn't accept any offer of them taking her back with open arms. Bellatrix's threats still rang through her head and she couldn't ever let them get hurt because of her. "You should go."
"Right," Remus nodded, obviously disappointed at her response. But he knew it wouldn't be that easy. He just hoped she'd come around someday, and someday soon. He turned to Peter and smiled at him, throwing his arm around his shoulder. "Come on, Wormtail. Let's go."
Lyra watched as they walked away, her brows furrowed. Sometimes she forgot why she was doing all this, but then she remembered the pain. Usually after a night of sleep, having nightmares for hours, not even able to scream herself awake.
She refused to ever let them feel that pain. She had hated feeling it herself, and she would hate herself if she could ever see them like that. Sirius had already felt the torture curse and it was one of the worst moments of her life, which was a hard feat to accomplish.
James, Remus and Peter shouldn't ever feel it and she didn't want Sirius to have to feel it again. She didn't want to feel it again herself, either. Thankfully, she would always have those nightmares to remind her so she wouldn't do something foolish and forget.
▹▹▹
Lyra clutched her textbook to her chest, trying to seem as small as possible, as she walked through the halls, trying to find her way to the Slytherin common room without anybody noticing her.
But she found herself immediately looking to James, who happened to be walking through the hallway himself. He was also strangely on his own, but he hadn't seemed to notice her yet and she hoped he wouldn't.
"Lyra!" a voice called out from not too far away. She winced at this, knowing that the hall was pretty empty and it wouldn't be hard for her ex-boyfriend to see her. If he was anything like her, he wouldn't be able to keep from looking.
James's head quickly turned her way, seeing her there. He frowned deeply, his mind having been spinning ever since lunch, wondering what was going on with her. But he was still convinced that what she had said had been the truth, because she wouldn't have said such horrible things if she didn't mean it.
Lyra held his gaze for a few seconds before forcing herself to look away. She wouldn't be able to give him a harsh look or a mean glare. She had been pretending for so long, she was getting tired.
"Lyra? Did you hear me?" the person asked from behind her. She was suddenly reminded of why James had looked her way and turned to look at Regulus, looking unimpressed as always. "Have you gone deaf or something?"
"No, sorry. Hi, Regulus," she greeted. She could faintly hear Remus finding James but she could feel both of them still looking at her. She kept her gaze as far away from them as possible. "What is it?"
Regulus glanced around to make sure that nobody could overhear their conversation. He looked at James and Remus suspiciously, but seemed to let it go, thinking they were harmless at the moment. "I got a letter."
"Congratulations," she answered dryly.
The dark-haired sixteen-year old rolled his eyes, sending her the mean Black family look that she had never been able to master. At least not as well as he could. "Not just any letter, idiot. It's from Rabastan."
Lyra quickly brightened up at the mention of her old friend, who she hadn't seen in months, only a few months away from a year. "Really? Finally? Don't let Lucinda hear that, though. I don't want her to feel bad again, unless he answered her, too."
Regulus cracked a small smile, and he suddenly looked a little less like any other Black and more like her little cousin she loved. "I wouldn't count on it. Anybody with eyes could see that he thinks she can be a bit annoying."
"But that's part of her charm," the blonde smiled sweetly. "What did he say then? Interesting stories about the torturing of muggles or killing of muggleborns? Has he cursed any half-breeds lately?"
He looked at her blankly. "Bitterness really doesn't suit you."
"It's all I have left," she retorted, smiling sarcastically. She then decided that they should probably get back on track, she was interested in what Rabastan would send a letter to say. "You didn't answer. What did he say?"
"He's asking me to meet him during Easter Break," he revealed. "He also mentioned you. Rodolphus has gone home, he's taking a break from the field, I think. But they've still been corresponding."
The blonde girl froze up for a moment. Rodolphus and Rabastan didn't have the most loving of relationships, mostly bonding over their hatred for muggles and blood traitors. And their love for the Death Eaters, where Rodolphus's wife had been trying to recruit her. "Why would they talk about me?"
"Don't worry. It's not any Death Eater business or anything. I don't think so, at least," said Regulus. "He just said that I need to make sure you home for Easter because Bellatrix has some things for you to discuss. Not sure what, but he promised it wasn't dangerous."
Lyra tensed even more at the mention of her sister's name, flashes of lying on the floor and crying out in pain, bleeding on her carpet, flashed before her eyes. "Just because he promised doesn't mean I believe it."
"You know you can trust Rabastan. He's one of the biggest reasons you don't have the Dark Mark on your arm right now. He made sure you're safe throughout your last year here," the younger of the two Blacks reminded her.
She still wasn't sure. Maybe she was just paranoid that even those she trusted could betray her. Her sisters had, and Lyra had betrayed her best friends and the man she loved, even if it was for selfless reasons. "I guess."
"Just... do it," Regulus said, looking at her sternly. He didn't know why he had always been so eager to please Rabastan, but it had been like that for years. "I'll meet him and I don't want to leave him disappointed."
She nodded hesitantly. She wasn't very keen on going back and seeing her family, especially not her eldest sister. But she had already done a lot for both Regulus and Rabastan, and she wasn't going to stop now. "Tell him that I miss him, will you? And to stay safe."
The dark-haired boy sighed in relief, as if he hadn't thought he'd be able to convince her so easily. But, then again, a lot of the fire and fight within her seemed to have faded after she went home for Christmas. "I will."
Lyra smiled at him reassuringly, but she couldn't help but worry. What the hell was going to happen during Easter?