THREE
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Light rushed into the room, rousing me from my sleep. I groaned, pulling the blankets over my head. I was not ready to wake up yet. However, it appeared my mother had different ideas. No sooner than I had pulled the covers over my head was she jerking it back. Exposed to the blinding light I slowly cracked my eyes open. It would be impossible to get back to sleep now. My eyes crept up, meeting hers. “What?” I croaked out. She was giving me the most peculiar look. I almost felt uncomfortable.
“I made breakfast.”
“You made breakfast?”
She sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. She looked frustrated. No doubt from her and dad’s argument last night. The day after was always hell. But the flat look she gave me had nothing to do with dad. The surprise was evident in my tone and it annoyed her. She never cooked and the fact that she did today wasn’t necessarily a good thing. “Yes, I said that already, didn’t I? Now get up. I don’t want it getting cold.” She finished speaking, spinning on her heel and leaving me alone in my room.
I sighed, pulling myself up off the bed. I drug myself over to my closet, shuffling through my clothes. I threw on a clingy cotton dress and combed my fingers through my hair, hoping to calm it a bit before heading downstairs. Satisfied, I cut out of my room, hurrying downstairs. I found mom perched at the kitchen counter, her back facing me. I didn’t have to see her face to know she was tense—I could see it in her shoulders. I pushed on, propping myself on a stool. Without saying so much as a word mom pushed my plate over to me. I looked down at the plate, taking in the food. There was a reason my mother didn’t cook a lot. She was a terrible cook.
“Mm, looks good,” I said drily.
“I didn’t have to make you anything.”
I shut my mouth, sensing that her patience was thin. I hadn’t grasped until this moment just how thin. She was still steaming over her argument with dad last night. Thinking this, I glanced around. “Where is dad?” I asked hesitantly. I flicked my eyes over to her, trying to gauge her reaction. I hoped that I hadn’t asked the wrong question. The only sign that she had heard me was the slight stiffening of her spine. She laced her hands together around her coffee, not looking at me. I quickly looked away, picking up my fork.
“He’s gone,” she said softly.
That got my attention.
I set my fork down again, turning ever so slightly to look at her. “What do you mean gone? Is he working on the case today? It’s Saturday,” I said as if this should explain everything. The reality was that it didn’t matter. Dad worked all the time no matter what day it was. It was rare that we saw him at all. But something about the way she had said it made me think that his absence had nothing to do with work. If I was honest with myself I knew that from the second she said he was gone. I just didn’t want to face it. Lies were easier to swallow.
“He left, Spencer.”
I sighed, pushing away from the kitchen island. I was angry now. This was the same crap as always. They would fight and he would leave. We both knew where he went but we never talked about it, or at least she doesn’t talk about it. I never shied away from it. And although I knew I should keep my mouth shut I couldn’t. When I got mad I just ran off—not thinking about what I was saying. “He went to her, didn’t he?” I demanded as I spun around. I braced myself on the counter. “And you just let him. Why don’t you say something? Why do you let him treat you like that? He makes you look like a fool!”
I didn’t see it coming. She had been so quiet that it had lulled me into a false sense of safety, but now her stormy eyes were fastened on me. Her chest was heaving up and down. “You don’t know, Spencer. You don’t know! You want to act self-righteous to me but you have never lived my life,” she hissed at me. She was standing now, leaning against the counter on the opposite side. We had gone from discussing to facing off with each other. And these face offs never ended well. “He wouldn’t be gone if you had behaved at dinner, but no! You just had to smart off to Don. You always think you know better.”
I laughed. “So it’s my fault?”
She slammed her hand down on the counter. Maybe someone else would have jumped but I stayed still, not even flinching. I had become immune to this sort of thing. Rage was second nature now. I had seen it enough to no longer fear it. “It is your fault! None of this would have happened if you’d just shut the hell up,” she screamed. You’d think that mom and I would be closer as much as dad left us alone together. You’d think we’d bond in times like this but we never did. She always clung to dad and shoved me away. I was never what she wanted. I was just a disappointment—a wash out with a drug habit. “If it had been Pierce—”
“He would have shut up?” I asked.
“He would have done what was asked of him.”
I laughed bitterly. This was what it always came down to. I was here and Pierce wasn’t. I should have died. I shoved a hand through my hair. “Digging up the dead, are we?” I questioned in a flat tone. There was no emotion there. “Meant to be seen and not heard, right? I think it’s funny how you pride yourself on the fear you instill in your children. Pierce was better because he was scared of you. Think about that.” Before she could say anything else I spun around, leaving the kitchen.
▪ ▪ ▪ ▪
“Are you serious?” Jasmine asked.
I nodded. “I’m serious.”
She scoffed. “That’s just stupid.”
Jasmine and I were lounging by the pool. I had a pool at my house but I had opted to use the public pool today. I hadn’t wanted to be home, especially with mom sulking around the house. So I had teamed up with Jasmine and hit the pool. I glanced over at her, peering over the top of my sunglasses. “You’re right—it is stupid, but that doesn’t stop it from being true,” I told her. We had never seen eye to eye on views of the world. Where I was a realist Jasmine liked to be an optimistic. “Pierce would have done better. I always was the disappointment.”
Jasmine sighed, flipping her hair over her shoulder. She had a disgusted look on her face—almost outraged. It was so rare to see Jasmine angry but this was a topic that always did it. “You’re forgetting that I knew Pierce, Spence. He was just like you! The only one that didn’t know your brother was your parents,” she insisted as she relaxed back into her seat. She was slowly starting to calm down now. “That’s how I know they’re wrong because they are basing their disappointment over you on a lie. I mean seriously—how can you believe that?”
“It doesn’t matter if they knew him.”
“That is the most important thing!”
“Are we done?” I asked, bringing an end to the conversation. I was done discussing this. I hadn’t wanted to in the first place but when I had met up with Jasmine she had caught onto my mood. Where everyone usually tended to stay clear of me in a mood Jasmine never had. She wanted to face whatever was bothering me head on. She was the only one who would put up with this. She was a good person, a good friend and I didn't deserve such a pure friendship.
“Spencer, you can’t—”
“Ladies,” a voice cut in.
Jasmine never got to finish her sentence because a shadow fell over us. I turned my head, looking up at the shadow. I almost frowned but I schooled my expression, hiding my displeasure. I was good at keeping my real feelings hidden. “Is there something you want, Brad?” I asked him. I knew there was only one reason he had come over here and he would be disappointed. He opened his mouth but I cut him off like he had done to Jasmine. “Brynn isn’t here. Sorry to disappoint.” I saw a frown pull at his lips at my words. I had been right.
“Too bad. But there was something else.”
“And what would that be?”
He flashed us his classic dazzling smile but it did nothing for me. I had never found Brad all that charming. Everyone had carried on over Brad since we had been in grade school and I had never got what the big deal was. Sure I guess he was attractive but he was so aggrivating. He grated on my nerves. “I’m throwing a party tonight and I thought you all might want to come. Be sure to pass on the invitation to Brynn,” he told us with a wink. I nearly gagged. He thought he was so damn great. I would most certainly not pass it on to Brynn.
After Brad had departed Jasmine turned to me. She looked at me over her sunglasses. “Are you planning on going? I know you don’t like him but, I mean, he throws great parties! I just think it would be fun,” she said a little nervously. I almost rolled my eyes. She wanted me to go with her. “And at least it would be something to do. But whatever! Are you going to tell Brynn or not?” I pulled my eyes away from the people splashing in the pool, turning my attention back to Jasmine. I ran a hand through my hair, thinking.
“Sure,” I answered vaguely.
“You realize that isn’t an answer.”
I glanced over at her, peering over my sunglasses at her a smile stretching over my lips as I did. Jasmine stared at me with a small frown on her face. “I realize, it’s just more fun this way,” I told her. Jasmine made a face at me before turned away. I pushed my sunglasses back up again, sinking back into the chair as I let the sun fall over my shoulders.
▪ ▪ ▪ ▪
I stepped through the threshold of the party, instantly assaulted by the smell of alcohol and sweat. I wrinkled up my nose, pushing through the crowd. I never much liked parties. They were crowded, loud, and often smelt. The only reason I came to them was because of two things: it got me out of the house and there was alcohol. There was also always something extra floating around. I felt an hand at my elbow. “Spencer,” Jasmine’s voice said. I glanced around to find her giving me a worried look. I quickly shook her off.
“Don’t you worry yourself.”
“But I do, Spencer.”
“Is that Brynn?” I asked.
I quickly slipped out of Jasmine’s grasp, jutting off towards the den. I knew that I had lost her in the crowd. It would be a while before she would be able to track me down. I shoved a hand through my long blonde hair as I moved through the bodies, making my way down the hall. Eventually, I emerged and pushed through the door. I was instantly greeted by a smoky smell. My eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, seeing a couple men sprawled on the couches. One saw me, waving me over. “What do you have?” I asked him as I sat down.
The guy threw a couple of bags out on the table. I raised an eyebrow at him, questioningly but I didn’t say anything. It was best to stay quiet when doing these things. I didn’t much like the guy anyway. He handed me a blunt. I took it gladly, taking a long drag. I inhaled it, letting it sit. The taste was perfect and I slowly felt myself relaxing after a couple more hits. This was as close to heaven as I’d ever get. “Great stuff, right?” the guy asked me with a slow smile spreading across his face. His eyes were heavy lidded.
“Unbelievable,” I drawled.
I peeled myself off the couch a few minutes later after finishing the blunt. I pushed my way back through the crowd trying to get to the keg. I was ridiculously thirsty. I found it not too much longer later. I also found Jasmine. “Where did you go?” she demanded at me with her hands on her hips. I spun around from where my hands were poised above the keg. Jasmine marched across the kitchen at me looking positively steaming. For someone so little she had an awful amount of rage. She poked me in the chest. “I have been looking everywhere for you! You didn’t go to the den—” she sniffed me, rearing back when she did. “You did!”
I pushed her hand away as she went to poke me again. I had had quite enough of that. I glared at her, trying my best to focus on anything that was going around. “Don’t poke, Jas. It’s rude,” I told her condescendingly. I watched as Jasmine’s brows pulled together in anger. “And I didn’t do anything that you didn’t already know I was going to do. Beside, it’s a party. Why not have fun?” I quickly filled up my cup. I tipped it back, draining the entire thing. Normally, beer tasted terrible to me but I just didn’t care at the moment. I filled my cup up again as Jasmine started talking. She sounded quieter, not as fueled as she had been earlier. I noticed this tone immediately. She used it when she was feeling sorry for me.
“Spence, you don’t have to—”
I spun around, towering over her. I normally couldn’t care less but what she was saying—I hated it. I didn’t want it. I didn’t want any of it. “I don’t have to what? I don’t have to do drugs? You have no idea what I have to do,” I said angrily. Jasmine took a step back, staring up at me shocked. She took my outburst better than most though because to her this was not new. She had seen this more than anyone. “And you can keep your pity. I don’t need it. I don’t want it.” I drained my cup, crushing it and throwing it over my shoulder as I stormed out of the room.
I emerged into the living room finding everyone either dancing or around the pool table. I didn’t like it, but I didn’t leave though. I probably should have. That’s what most people would do if they didn’t want to be somewhere, but instead I moved across the room. I moved into the crowd, submerging myself in them. I walked up to a guy I didn’t recognize. It was unusual to find someone I didn’t know at a high school party. “Can I join you?” I asked. He was cute but nothing too spectacular. He had curly blonde hair and blue eyes—typical All-American boy. I watched as his eyes trailed over my body, taking particular notice of my long legs and chest.
“I got no problem with that,” he said.
“Maybe you can teach me?”
He smiled. “I can more than teach you.” He gestured to the table, indicating it was my turn. I flashed him a smile as I grabbed the stick out of his hands. And then I was leaning over the table, posing to take the shoot. I felt him move up behind me, pressing his body against mine. I made the shot. He turned me around, his hand gripping my hip. “Good shot,” he told me as he took the stick from me again. His hand moved from my hip, pulling my leg to wrap around him and then he kissed me.
I let myself melt into the sensation.
It had nothing to do with attraction. It wasn’t that I liked this guy. Tomorrow I might even hate him. It was merely the lust, the desire behind that kiss. It drove me. It drove him. This guy didn’t even know who I was and he wanted me. I found something so profound in that. His kiss deepened and his hands slide into my hair. It was wild and reckless. I sought this feeling out. I craved it. I couldn’t even tell you why it appealed to me so much, this danger and recklessness. It was so damn beautiful. The most beautiful feeling in the world.
I pulled back from him, staring into his eyes. Everything about him right now told me just what he wanted. His dilated eyes and quick breathing. “Let’s go upstairs,” I whispered to him. My voice sounded sultry, almost smoky. I almost didn’t recognize it as my voice. The guy smiled, taking my hand and stepping back. Without so much as another word he led me up the stairs and into the bedroom.
* * * AUTHOR'S NOTE * * *
Picture of Pierce - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - ->