It started on page 26.
Of course, leave it to Jolene to number each page of her notebook. There were currently 84 pages.
But it all began where the shaky writing starts.
26.
I had another dream. The kind where I fall asleep and I see through the eyes of Nico. I'm is holding Seamus, the infant, while I watch the others coax their prey down an alleyway.
Mirabelle is the one that lures them. Nothing like an inhumanly beautiful woman to lead unsuspecting drunk men down a dark alleyway with the promise of something better.
They each drink their fill. The one human man is split between two of them.
'We don't want to leave bodies' I say. Mirabelle then lures one in for me to have for myself.
I don't know if it was something that Coven leaders do, drink the biggest fill last or what but I'm suddenly leaning forward and the scent of alcohol is overpowering. I open my mouth and my teeth tear through flesh and muscle and blood fills my mouth.
I expect to spit out the familiar metallic taste that I've come to associate with blood but to my surprise, it's warm and sweet. It tastes...
good.
I don't know if that thought startled me but I'm suddenly awake and Rosalie is trying to comfort me from a supposed nightmare. I want to tell her about what I just saw but I stop myself. Maybe I'm afraid that she'll be disgusted in me. Maybe it's because she's already running herself ragged trying to prepare for Nico. But it's nothing new and nothing that they need to know so I keep my mouth shut.
32.
I had another dream where I was Nico. I'm holding this piece of old fabric to my face and I'm taking deep inhales. The scent is so wonderful. It's like mint and ice and pine but with something floral and vanilla. The fabric is faded pink, torn from a dress. There is a rip in the fabric and my fingers gently caress the hole.
The fabric isn't mine in real life. I don't wear pink or dresses.
For some reason, I have a feeling that this fabric belongs to 'my darling'. Something in my mind tells me that the person who this fabric belongs to is missing.
I then reach into the inner pocket of my jacket and I pull out a very faded and weathered photograph. It has a yellowing tint to it but there is a woman. It looks likes she's wearing the dress that the fabric belongs to. My chest hurts. It shouldn't. My heart doesn't beat, I don't need to breathe but looking at this woman makes my chest hurt.
And then I'm suddenly looking into my face in the photograph and I wake up.
Rosalie was out hunting so Jasper is the one to calm my panic. He seems to know that it was different than my usual nightmare but he comforts me nonetheless.
43.
This dream was different. It wasn't during the present but rather a memory from Nico.
I'm in a large mansion with soft music playing as people dance around me. I'm holding a woman to me as we dance. I can't see her face. I can't remember what she looks like.
She smells like mint, ice, and pine.
I twirl her around on the floor before we stop as I dip her. Her pink dress flows around her and we laugh.
She calls me Nicolas. She presses a kiss to my cheek as the music ends and promises me that she'll find me.
I drink and dance some more until the next thing I know there is a fire.
It's creeping up the curtains, licking at the walls and suddenly it's so unbearably hot.
I can't breathe. I'm screaming for the woman. My mind can't remember her name but I'm yelling for her.
She's calling for me. Her makeup is running down her face in the heat. There are flames separating us.
She reaches for me but we can't reach. I can't reach her.
A beam falls from the ceiling and crushes her to the floor and I'm screaming.
I'm yelling for her but deep down I know that she's gone. Blood dribbles from her lips and onto the charred carpet.
I jump through the flames and towards her, not wanting to live without her.
Flames catch on my suit and lick up my arms. I'm covered in white-hot pain but I'm not dying.
I'm suffering. My hands are peeling from burns as I reach out and grab her hand.
A smile creeps onto my face as I let myself go.
Then there are red eyes staring at me and the pain that had turned me numb comes back full force.
The red eyes drag me away from my beloved.
And then I wake up, gasping for air. I had kicked off my pajamas in my sleep. Rosalie said that I had a fever. My lungs hurt and I couldn't breathe right.
They assume that I'm sick and I don't correct them.
57.
I haven't had a dream about Nico in a while but tonight I had another one.
It was a hunt gone wrong. Blood sprayed down everywhere.
I'm standing in a bathroom with two sinks. The bathroom is pristine white.
I'm leaning over the sink, dripping blood from my hair into the drain.
I reach up and start to unbutton my shirt, peeling the soaked garment off of me.
I drop it into one of the sinks and I'm looking at my chest.
I wipe away some of the red to reveal divots in my skin.
They're shaped in crescents and I know that they're bites.
Jasper is covered in the same ones.
I touch one on my wrist, the same one that stopped me from ending my life.
I lean down and turn on the other sink to hot water, letting the water run over my red hair until it goes back to its blond color.
Water drips down my neck and chest and I can feel the beads trail over every scar that marred my skin.
I look up into the reflection. My eyes are bright red but they're full of something.
Hurt. Pain.
I reach up to where steam covered a small part of the mirror and I draw a girl. I draw her beautiful dress fanning out and her smile.
And then I place my hand over the drawing and my chest hurts.
I wake up to a fast heartbeat that makes it uncomfortable to breathe. Rosalie coaxes me through some breathing exercises and I once again don't mention the dream.
74.
This dream of Nico is the first time that something dangerous happened to me.
It starts in a house and I'm standing in the living room. I'm holding a dirty boxing wrap up.
'We have to move soon.' I tell them. I turn to look at Rowan. 'You do not touch her, do you understand me?'
Rowan hunches over slightly and leans his head to the side to bare his neck for submission. 'I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry doesn't change the fact that you overdosed her,' I hiss. 'You touch her and I'll make you regret it.'
Rowan nods.
I move to look at Tucker. 'You'll have to separate them. Make her walk and don't touch her unless it is absolutely necessary.'
Tucker's eyes are black. He looks upset, furious at me. But he squashes it down with a mask and nods.
'Gianna will look after Seamus,' I tell Mirabelle. 'I need you to help me coax her. She likes you the most.'
Mirabelle nods and turns to look at Gianna.
'What about the witch twins?' Tucker demands.
I dart over to him and wrap my hands around his neck, slamming him into the wall. 'I didn't ask you to speak!' I roar.
Tucker fights against me before he bites my shoulder.
It burns and I stumble back but Rowan and Gianna have subdued him while Mirabelle pulls my shirt aside to lick my wound.
It still hurts but feels better.
Tucker then launches out of their grip and tackles me.
We're fighting and landing hits and bites to each other. It hurts so much.
I wake up in the hospital with a headache. Carlisle later explains that I had an episode of some sort and I can't help but wonder if it was the pain of the bites. My own bite burns and I rub my hip.
86.
I'm so scared.
I don't want to die.
Sure, once upon a time I didn't think that I would live to be eighteen. I thought for sure that drinking, smoking, the drugs or men would find me dead.
There is a reason that I have a will.
But Nico scares me.
These dreams that I have scared me.
They scare me because I feel bad for Nico. He didn't want this life. He didn't want to be a vampire. He wanted to die with his beloved.
And everyone is so busy preparing and I feel like such a burden that I can't tell them. None of the information is relevant.
Besides, what would they think if they find out that I'm feeling fucking sorry for him?
For the psychopath that has tormented me and my family for months. The man that causes me panic attacks and nightmares. The sole reason why I can't go out alone anymore
Am I stupid for feeling this? Is there something wrong with me? Sure, I still hate him and he scares the shit out of me but he lost the love of his life and his sweet ending was taken away from him.
What would I do if it was the same with Rosalie? I've heard that vampires go into a deep depression when they lose their mates. Some go suicidal, unable to live without their other half.
These dreams leave me with more questions than answers.
And I want to know why.