Firdaus was hesitant to enter, but she knocked on the door anyway. She had already started the process quite late and could not afford to lose more time. Normally she would go to her father for things like these, but Dawood had gone outside the country for some work, so she was left with no choice but go to her mother.
"Firdaus? Andar aajao. Kya baat hai, sab khiariyat?"
She nodded her head in response. "Jee. Woh mujhe aapse kuch baat karni hai. Meri university ke admission se related."
Shagufta kept her book down and straightened up, gesturing her to speak ahead.
"Actually, main kuch forms le ayi thi. Achhe universities hai, I did some research as well."
"Hmm, achhi baat hai. Waise bhi admission deadlines kaafi nazdeek aa rahe hai." She looked up at her again. "Toh, kya decide kiya tumne? Kahan jana chahti ho?"
Firdaus stretched her hand out in front of her showing her the forms. "In mein se kahin bhi apply karloongi, saare ache hain."
Shagufta took the papers from her hand and took a look at them.
"Par yeh toh Arts college ke forms hai."
"Jee, main literature ke liye apply kar rahi hoon."
Shagufta went silent for a moment.
"Literature? Magar mujhe laga tum business ke liye apply kar rahi ho. Phir yeh literature kahan se agaya beech mein?"
"Beech mein? Beech mein nahi aaya maama. Main hamesha se hi literature parhna chahti thi. A levels mein business toh maine sirf aapke kehne par liya tha. Mujhe business parhne mein koi interest nahi hai."
"Firdaus, bacchon jaisi baatein mat karo. Yahan Islamabad mein kitne ache business schools hai, tumhare business ke grades bhi bauhat achhe hai, phir literature parh ke kya karogi tum? It's a waste of time."
She gaped at her mother.
"Maama aap yeh kaisi baatein kar rahi hain? Aapko pata hai mujhe literature kitna pasand hai. Main writer banna chahti hoon, phir aap –"
"Writer? Tumhe pata bhi hai writing ka profession kaisa hota hai? Koi fixed job nahi, future ke bare mein koi predictibilty nahi. Jo aaj ke best sellers hain woh kal raddi ke bhav mein bik jate hai. Phir berozgari aur nakaami mein insaan apna khud aitimad aur sukoon gawah deta hai."
"Sab ke saath aisa nahi hota," Firdaus protested. "Kuch writers hai jinka career bauhat strong hota hai. Un mein se bauhat sari aurtein hai. Agar woh kar sakti hai toh main kyun nahi?"
"Kuch writers ke success ke basis par apna career dao pe mat lagao Firdaus. Main tumhare bhalai ke liye bol rahi hoon. Business parhogi toh tumhe bauhat kuch seekhne ko milega. Job milne mein asaani hogi aur phir mera business bhi toh hai, usko sambhal sakti ho tum."
"Par mujhe aapke business mein koi interest nahi hai! In fact mujhe kisi bhi tarah ke business mein koi interest nahi hai. Mujhe jo pasand hai woh main kyun nahi parh sakti?"
"Jis raah par tum chalna chahti ho wahan par na koi fixed income hai na future ki koi guarantee. Main kaise tumhe itna bara risk lene doon?"
"Kaunse profession mein success guaranteed hota hai maama? Risk toh har peyshe mein hota hai. Lekin uske darr se hum sapne toh nahi chhor sakte hai na?"
"Beta jab insaan ke paas kuch nahi hota hai na, tab uski taleem hoti hai."
Shagufta took a deep breath. She did not want to raise her voice at her. In her mind, she could only think of a young 23-year-old girl, roaming around the city with two month old baby in her arms, looking for a job. When life hit her the hardest, that was when she really wished she had studied further after her graduation. She always wanted to but the chances of further education looked bleak after marriage. If it wasn't for Dawood and his persuasion, she could have never fulfilled that dream.
Firdaus fought hard to blink back her tears.
"Zindagi mein aapne jo kaha, maine woh aankh bandh kar ke kiya. Aaj tak mere liye mere saare decisions aap leti ayi hai. Lekin aaj sawaal mere future ka hai. Ab mujhe apne liye khud faisla karna hai."
"Main tumhari maa hoon. Main aisa koi faisla nahi karungi jo tumhare liye sabse behtar na ho. Na hi tumhe koi aisa faisla karne doongi!"
"Har bar yeh jaatana band kare ke aap meri parwah karti hai. Agar aap ko meri parwah hoti toh aap mere choices ko samajhte. Lekin woh aap kabhi nahi samjhengi. Theek hai, agar aap ko mujhe permission nahi dena hai toh main baba se jaakar baat karlungi. Aap unhi sey baat kijiye."
"Sahi hai, tum bas aise hi baat khatam kar sakti ho. Logically baith ke baat discuss karne ki capability toh tumme hai hi nahi."
Firdaus stood there, holding her breath in. She didn't wait to give a reply and stormed out of the room. Shagufta closed her eyes and let out a heavy sigh. By this point, she should have been desensitized to her words, but her heart still ached. It was a mother's heart after all.
*****
Zaitoon was in the dining hall setting the plates when she heard Aman enter.
"Asssalamualaikum khala!"
"Walaikum Assalam beta. Kya baat hai, aaj bare dino baad aye ho?"
"Jee woh jaane ki tayyarion mein masroof tha. Firdaus kahan hai?"
Shagufta pointed towards the balcony. Firdaus was sitting on the steps, leaning on the glass door of the balcony.
"Aaj mausam zara kharab hai kya?"
"Ab kya bataun beta. Bari zor se badal garje, toofan bhi aya. Abhi tak hawayein tez chal rahi hai. Mujhe toh darr lag raha hai kahin yeh china ke plates hi na toot jaye." She snickered.
"Areh khala, aise toofan toh humne bauaht dekhe. Aap rukein, abhi jaake hawayon ka rukh badalte hai."
Aman slid open the door of the balcony, careful not to hit her. She briefly looked up then turned her gaze away again.
"Atleast hi toh boldo."
"Hi."
He huffed. "Hmm. Theek hai. Mat bolo."
They remained in silence for a while. When she didn't speak up again, he took her hand and pulled it closer against his chest. She didn't retreat either.
"Kabhi kabhi hum apne aap ke hi dushman ban jaate hai. Gussa, narazgi, khamoshi. Yeh sab humein andar se kamzor aur bebas bana deti hai. The more it stays inside, the more it builds up."
She looked at him, a bit miffed. "Toh main kya karoon, sare ghar mein cheekh cheekh kar apna gussa nikalti phirun? Yah kitchen mein jaake glass aur plates tor doon taki mujhe sukoon mile?"
"Violence? Well agar tumhe glass aur plates torne se sach mein sukoon milti hai then go ahead. Lekin mujhe lagta nahi isse tumhare gusse mein koi farq ayeega."
She sucked a gasp of air in and turned her head sharply.
"Pata nahi."
"Firdaus." He turned her back towards himself. "Yeh tumhe bhi pata hai aur mujhe bhi, ke problem hai. Problem ko avoid karne se woh khatam nahi ho jaati. Uske bare mein baat karo, koi na koi solution nikal ayega."
"Main kitni bhi baar koshish kyun na karlun Aman, unki soch nahi badlegi. Main unki aadaton se achhi tarha se waqif hoon. Woh bauhat ziddi hain."
"Well, ziddi toh tum bhi kam nahi ho. Kabhi pyaar se, dheeme lehje mein unse baat karne ki koshish ki? Kabhi situation ko unki point of view se samajhna chaha, ke akhir woh aisa karti hai toh kyun karti hai?"
She opened her mouth for rebuttal, but decided to stay silent instead.
"See? You have your answer right there. Have some patience when talking to her. Try to make her understand why you feel the way you do. Go into the details. Kya pata, woh maan hi jaein?"
Although she did not want to hear them right now, but his words were making sense to her. Most of the times when she talked to her mother it was in an indifferent manner, because in some way or the other, she already concluded that the conversation won't end well even before it started. That's what always made Firdaus reluctant to approach her.
"Mujhe lecture dena band karo, aur yeh batao tum yahan kya kar rahe ho?"
"Main poochne aya tha ke tum parson mujhe airport see off karne aa rahi ho ya nahi."
She furrowed her brows in a confused way.
"Aur yeh poochhne tumhe yahan tak aana para? Yeh baat toh phone par bhi hosakti thi."
"Hosakti thi. Par nahi huyi." He smirked.
Firdaus smiled for the first time since he came and rested her head on his shoulder.
"Why are you like this?"
He chuckled. "I don't know. Maybe you know that better than me." Aman heaved a sigh. "You are my best friend, tumhe khush dekhe bina main mutmaeen hokar yahan se nahi jaa sakta."
"Main khush hoon Aman. Bauhat zyada khush hoon." She lifted up her head and looked at him. "Tum apne khwaab poore karne jaa rahe ho yaar. This is what you've always wanted. Haan, tumne apne application ki baat chhupayi, is baat se main khafa thi, in fact abhi bhi hoon. Lekin iska matlab yeh toh nahi na ke main tumahri khushi mein khush nahi hoon?"
He pouted. "Sorry."
"It's okay."
"Toh, airport aa rahi ho?"
"Of course, mujhse bina mile jaane dungi kya tumhe?"
He softly gave her a peck her on the temples. "Main intezaar karunga."
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