Kabanata 49
The dawn had begun to dress the sky with a shade of red and orange. Slowly, I rose from the bed and glanced at my side. He wasn't beside me anymore. I wondered if he had slept last night? The last thing I remembered was the words he just spoke last night. I didn't retort, nor did I make any form of response. Instead, I tried my best to get asleep. The topic was still excruciating and I couldn't endure the pain anymore. Dwelling on the past wasn't a good idea but I needed to come to wander around my dark days to enlighten Antoine about it. I knew I'd made him bleed and cry and the guilt was slowly and painfully creeping on my body.
Hearing Antoine blaming himself wasn't good. He wasn't aware of my situation and I knew that my action had escalated it. I washed my face to remove the unwanted particles on my face before leaping out of the bed. My time of being asleep seemed infinitesimal. I trudged out of the room and smelled the palatable food assaulted my nostrils. I didn't know if this was because I hadn't had the appetite to eat last night but I found myself walking, following that smell. I was certain that Antoine was cooking our breakfast. I wondered what time he did wake up. I looked at the digital clock he had in the living area and it was still five in the morning. This was very important to him, I thought. And of that, I felt the electrifying guilt bolt throughout my body. I couldn't imagine him looking at the grave of our son. I knew that the guilt he was feeling will escalate and it would end up blaming himself again.
My throat immediately ran dry when I saw his naked back; effortlessly flexing because of what he was doing— making the rocks and rippling muscles to show on his back. My eyes travelled down to the part when the spine and buttocks met and saw the twin dimples on to it. I bit my lower lip when my eyes asked for more. He was totally hot with his boxers on. I sidled toward him. I made sure that I did not make any noise to rivet his attention, however, when he glanced at me, my movement came to a halt. I didn't know exactly what would I do and why did I go near him. His eyes were like the colour and aura of a storm— beautiful yet dangerous but at the same time, solemn. There was a sable emotion that kept on twirling on his eyes. I knew what the reason of it. I stifled and opted to just act normally and walked to slump on the chair.
"Morning," he said in a low drawl.
"Morning," I retorted, "Did you sleep well?"
I knew my question was a ridiculous question. Damn it!
He shook his head and looked back at the food he was cooking, "No. I didn't. I am pondering about your struggles without me."
I cast a weary smile, "Don't be sorry about it. Wala kang kasalanan doon. That was my choice."
He turned off the stove and ambled to my part. He leaned at my back, propping his hands at my both sides. My heart wallowed against my chest. Nakatalikod ako sa kaniya ngunit nakatagilid ang ulo para matignan laman siya. He looked at me with soulful eyes. His ocean-blue eyes seemed to change colour when he downed his gaze. He was so handsome with his expression. However, it pained me so much. Kahit hindi niya sabihin, I could feel the superiority of melancholy on his expression.
"I'm so sorry for being alone, baby..."
Sumasakit ang puso ko. Should I accept him already? Having Antoine in my side would break the fate intended for me. I was born to be alone and to be melancholic. And to have Antoine will be the reason to push me to exceed the brink of happiness and contentment. This fear was stemmed from the dark past I was trying to bury. I wanted to whack myself because I wanted him so badly but I was afraid of the possible consequences of it. It was my bad to accuse him based only on his history. I just didn't know to handle a relationship and this fervent feeling for him. I loved him and I will always be.
I cradled my hand on his jaw that was clenching. The thin stubbles on his jaw were tickling my palm but his serious eyes were making me tingle. I loved him and now, I will accept him. Kung masaktan man ako, eh 'di masaktan. He loves me and when the day comes and he'll fall out of love, I will let him go. Pero ngayon, hahayaan ko muna ang sarili ko para maging masaya. I gave up on him— which meant I also gave up my happiness, but now, I will fight for him. I will fight for us. If this will lead me to another catastrophe, then I will willingly accept it. But at least, in a very short time, I'd had the chance to be happy with him.
I rose a bit and caught his lips with mine. One touch of his lips, my entire body ignited with blazing hotness. Isang dampi lang ng kaniyang labi ay pakiramdam ko ay lalagnatin na ako. He did not respond on my kisses. Though, I had no plan to make it longer. One touch of my lips then I fell back on my seat and looked at him with weary eyes. Nakaawang ang kaniyang labi at hindi ko mabasa ang ekspresyon sa kaniyang mga mata. He looked at my lips the licked his lower lip lusciously then crouched more to kiss me again.
Our second kiss was deeper compared to the first. My body heated with primitive anticipation. I wrapped my arms around his neck. Mahirap iyon dahil sa posisyon namin. He noticed that I was struggling on our position so did he abruptly turned the chair, facing him and pulled me up. His hand immediately roamed on my body and when his hands caught my butt, he scooped it and let me wrap my legs around his waist.
I felt his potent maleness just below the valley of my butt. He was painful and robust there. Heat surfaced on my face as his tongue dived inside my mouth. The last thing I knew, we were now on bed, naked and sweating. My head was on his arms near his chest. My right palm was playing on the thin jet black hair on his chest whilst he was combing languidly my hair with his fingers. Napatingin ako sa kaniyang baba. He still had a hard on. Kinagat ko ang aking labi at uminit ang aking pisngi. Despite the comforter that was covering his lower extremities, I could say that he was huge and thick. Up until now, I couldn't imagine how it fits on me. But every time he entered me, I could feel the walls of my folds to stretch beyond endurance. Damn him and his thickness!
Huminga ako ng malalim at bumangon. He groaned and pulled me back.
"Let's just stay like this for a while, please." he drawled.
"The food was still on the pan. And I am hungry,"
He heaved a sigh, "Okay,"
He stood up without faltering. Halos sigawan ko siya nang makitang wala siyang saplot noong tumayo siya. His manhood was still hard and turned on. Despite the multiple times I had seen it, I still got stunned. The broad pinkish head of it was proportionated to its body. The outline of the veins of it beneath its skin was so palpable. Umiwas ako ng tingin. Damn, I should stop this! Hindi pwedeng ganito!
I walked on his walk in closet and took a long-sleeved polo of him and wore it. After our breakfast, I was sure we'll prepare for our flight in La Virgen. That idea nudged the sensitive part of my heart and it sent a twinge on my heart. I suddenly asked myself the question: Am I ready to reenter to the place that reminds me of my agonizing past? My domicile was the place where I wanted to spend my whole life in but what happened years ago made me want to stay away from there. However, there was a part of me wanted to be in that place again— that despite my excruciating days, there were still beautiful memories that were dancing along the aggressive slam of the waves against the shoreline like a thunderclap.
When I was finally on my dress, I looked at Antoine who was now standing in the threshold of his room, watching me closely. He was now wearing a black tight boxer that could make me see the thick outline of his shaft underneath his garment. I looked at his face because that was the only way I could escape from being drawn on my own concupiscent thoughts. However, the idea of looking into his eyes wasn't a good one. I hadn't noticed this awhile but right now, I could see the redness of his eyes. Looking straight into his eyes, it seemed to be a panorama of pain and remorse. I knew that he was still in the process of accepting the information I had told him last night and I knew he was still hurt. He was trying to feign a fine expression; however, his eyes don't really lie. The weariness of it was hauling me to its mystic dimension of regrets and self-blame. I almost shivered when his eyes coruscated with so much pain. Ngunit naging parang ilusyon nalang ito dahil sa pag-angat ng kaniyang labi at linapitan ako.
He snaked his arm around my waist and ushered me to the dining area. I wasn't comfortable with our position— his stance around me. However, if this would be off use alleviate the pain that burdened within his chest, I would let him even my heart was walloping aggressively on my chest. When we were both in the dining, silence stretched across the corner. He was busy on putting some rice on my plate.
"T-tama na." I stopped him.
Tumingin siya sa akin at tumugil sa paglagay, "You need to eat more,"
"Tama na i-iyan. Hindi ko rin naman makakain pag naglagay ka pa. Sayang."
Huminga siya ng malalim bago tumango. He put the bacon and hotdog on my plate and after that, he focused on his own. This was what I wanted before; what I dreamed before. A life with Antoine was a life I wanted to call a living. When he left me, I was aware of the part of my heart that he took. Na ang pag-alis niya ay ang pagkasira na rin ng aking pangarap kasama siya. Right now, I wanted to just be with him— be happy with him. This time, I will take the chance of happiness despite the possible circumstances that might be followed. I tried to neglect the whisper of defeatist on my ears and embrace the bubble of euphoria until it bursts.
No'ng natapos na kaming kumain ay agad na kaming nag-ayos. I was the one who took a bath first before him. When I was done, he was already wearing nothing but a white towel that wrapped around his hips. I almost punched myself when my eyes accidentally darted to the outline of his shaft on the towel. Naramdaman ko ang pag-init ng aking pisngi kaya agad akong umiwas ng tingin. I ambled to the walk in closet without looking at him. Compared to him, I was more decent. I was wearing a bathrobe while he was wearing an easy access towel! And his thickness was so palpable on his midst!
There was no simple attire on the walk in closet of Antoine for me. I scanned all the dresses and it seemed few now. Kagabi kasi ay sobrang dami ng damit na pambabae dito at ngayon ay parang kumaunti. I might just be hallucinating last night because of the heavy discussion with him. I took the cotton turtle necked long-sleeved top and a black high waist pants. I took the black stilettoes and wore it. After that, I made a tight and silky bun on my hair and wore a maroon lipstick. I wanted to wear a simple attire but because there was no plain white shirt or some sort I just opted for these ones. When the door creaked to open, I didn't bother myself to crane my neck to look at Antoine.
The whole time we were in his room seemed to be excruciating to my part. Mabuti nalang at no'ng natapos na siyang magbihis ay agad na kami nagtungo sa helipad ng condo building na ito. Nagulat ako ng nakapacked na pala ang mga gamit at mga damit namin sa isang maleta. Doon ko lang napagtanto na kaya pala umunti ang mga damit na nasa closet ko. I didn't know how long we will be staying in La Virgen. I was afraid to ask though. We were now on the elevator. He was wearing a black knitted long sleeved shirt and brown pants paired with caterpillar boots.
The well-polished stainless steel walls that enclosed us were making me see his serious expression. His aviator was dangling on the neck of his shirt. Kinagat ko ang aking labi. When the opening area of the elevator swung to open, I heaved a sigh of relief. The wind instantly whipped on my body— making my hair explode with indefinite movements. I tried to grasp on my hair as Antoine held my waist to usher me toward the helicopter. The rotor blade and the tail rotor were coinciding together in circular motion and the pilot of the helicopter was already in front. Antoine helped me to get into the helicopter and when I was finally in, he effortlessly came up.
No'ng okay na ang lahat ay umangat na ito. Ito ang kauna-unahang beses na sumakay ako ng helicopter. It was shaking the bowl of calmness within me. I grasped on Antoine. Hindi ako makahinga ng mabuti dahil sa pakiramdam ko. The fear that lodged on my chest heightened especially when I looked outside and saw how the buildings and establishments dwindled as the helicopter got higher and higher. Antoine noticed my feared expression so did he took my hand and pulled me closer to him. He snaked his right arm around my waist. The sense of safety and security had increased when I felt his muscular body against my side.
I closed my eyes and I did not notice that I had fallen asleep. When I opened them, I saw the familiar vast land of the Province of Ilocos Norte. We were in Pagudpud and I could see the whirls of the windmills— the burghers' main source of electrical energy. The beauty of my town alleviated the fear I felt awhile. Minutes after, the familiar waves and sand welcomed my eyes. La Virgen was as beautiful as before. The sand dunes on the coast were giving me a chill of nostalgia. I wheezed when I saw our house. I couldn't tell if it was still complete or some part of it had blown away by the passed typhoons. When the helicopter descended on the helipad of a beside a huge mansion in La Virgen, it made me realize that he already knew some wealthy family in some part of La Virgen.
When we finally landed, I hadn't had the chance to ask if he knew the owner of this helipad because he already ushered me to the black SUV that was parked on the road. The only thing that I was certain with was he planned all of these already. I wanted to neglect that fact that he was too hurt yet he was so eager to see the tomb of our child but I couldn't. And because of that, I couldn't help but to blame myself for the pain I had inflicted on him. Way back, I was only looking on my pains and did not bother to look at the other side of the picture. Antoine was also hurt but my mind was clouded with nothing but darkness due to the series of pain that assaulted my whole sanity. I was now aware of the things that I had given to him and I wanted to just hurt myself because of that. I was selfish. I was blinded by my own pain and all I wanted to do was to blame him for that.
Pero kahit na gano'n ay hindi siya naghiganti. He had the right to do his revenge to make us even but he did not. Instead, he begged me to take him back. He wanted to me to take him back despite the pain I inflicted on every narrow space of his body. At ngayon na narito siya, at mahal pa ako, I wanted to make him happy— and make myself happy. Tama na ang sakit. Tama na ang iyak. As we stepped on the ground of the beautiful La Virgen, I brushed off the wisps of pain, remorse, wrath, and sadness on my heart. Together with the man I had ever loved, I will face all the challenges in my life with unyielding bravado. As long as I was with Antoine, I will forever be content and happy.
Agad kaming sumakay sa SUV. I was totally in the state of oblivion when we were inside the car. I didn't know why we had left our bags in there and just proceeded to our main business here— to visit our angel. Antoine was the one who was driving the car. I wasn't sure if he knew the direction to the public cemetery but when I figured out that he was not going to ask, it affirmed that he knew the path to the cemetery. The sun was already settling amid of the firmament. Due to the thick roll of the clouds, it made the grey light to illuminate in the sky. I glanced at Antoine who was now driving seriously. His eyes were all on the road. Despite the ramrod expression his eyes cast, the glint of loneliness was trying to escape from his eyes.
When we finally reached the public cemetery, my heart started to clench painfully. Halos manginig ang buo kong katawan noong binuksan na ni Antoine ang pinuto ng SUV para sa aking paglabas. I knew that this day would come. I wanted to stay with my facade of fine woman but I couldn't. The pain was invincibly sprouting in every corner of my body. This place was where my Family had been buried. This placed had witnessed how I cried and begged my family to just take me with them and almost lost my sanity when my child gave up on me. Napatingin ako kay Antoine na ngayon ay mariing nakatitig sa daan. He didn't know the way to the tomb of my beloved family.
Cold breeze caressed on my skin as I shivered. My heart walloped against my chest when we turned to the right and my eyes immediately darted to the rectangular marbles where the names of my parents, my brother, and our angler had been written. Habang palapit kami ng palapit ay mas lalong sumasakit ang aking puso. I wanted to take this away but I knew, despite the unwavering adherence to forget and to not dwell on the past, this pain will forever be in my heart. This will be the pain I will never forget or neglect. Ang pinagkaiba lang noon at ngayon ay narito na si Antoine.
Nang makalapit na kami doon sa puntod ay nanghina agad ako. I glanced at Antoine but I immediately regretted. He was stunned. Ang kaniyang mga mata ay nakatuon lang sa pangalan ng aking anak. Umigting ang kaniyang panga at kasabay no'n ay ang pagdaloy ng kaniyang luha. He slowly moved forward and knelt in front of the tomb. His shoulders were shaking as he cried even more. Parang sinasaksak ng paulit ulit ang aking puso. I thought what I had seen in his condo was worse but this was the worst.
"Sorry, son! Sorry!" he cried.
"A-Antoine..." I called and knelt beside him.
He looked vulnerable now. Pakiramdam ko ay paulit-ulit hinihiwa ang aking puso. Akala ko hindi niya matatanggap ang anak ko. But looking at this— looking how he mourned despite the fact that he hadn't had the chance to see our baby made me realize that he already loved our child. Ang pinipigilan kong luha ay lumabas na rin. I didn't know on how to calm him or to alleviate what he was feeling. I wrapped him with my shaking arms.
"Don't be sorry. Please. Wala kang kasalanan."
He shook his head, "I should have stayed. Kung sana ay nanatili ako, maalagaan ko sana kayo!"
Niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit. Parang pinupunit ang aking puso ng paulit-ulit. We stayed like that for a while. Humiwalay ako sa kayap at tumingin ako sa kaniyang mga mata. His eyes were full of pain and sorrow. Hinawakan ko ang kaniyang kamay at bumitaw sa titigan namin. I looked at the names of my parents then to my brother then to my baby on the tombstone.
"Nanay, tatay, kuya, I am here again. Sinong mag-aakala na makakaya ko ulit tumapak sa lugar kung saan ko naranasan ang mga sakit na kahit kailan hindi ko malilimutan? Now, I am here. I am here with the father of my child. I am with Antoine already, nay, tay." Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng hawak niya sa aking kamay, "You know how much I love him. Kahit na hindi ko sinabi sa inyo ay alam kong alam niyo ito. Ngayon, narito ako, kasama na siya."
Sumulyap ako kay Antoine na ngayon ay mapupungay na ang mga mata na nakatingin sa akin. Gusto ko siyang hagkan baka sakaling matanggal ang sakit sa kaniyang mga mata. But then, just like mine, I knew that there was no way I could alleviate it. I looked at the tombstone of my child. The tears on my eyes started to form. My heart constricted as my vision started to blur because of the tears of my pain, love, and sorrow. I felt the hand of Antoine that languidly caressed on waist.
Kasabay ng pagbuhos ng aking luha ay ang paghihip ng malamig na hangin. Pumikit ako ng mariin at dinama ang lamig na nanuot sa aking balat. For the little time of the wind that swaddled around my body, I felt the ephemeral comfort brought by its coldness that crawled on my skin. When I opened my eyes, the name of my child welcomed my eyes.
"Baby, I... I'm already with your Father." I uttered as my voice cracked. Sumulyap ako kay Antoine na ngayon ay nakatingin na rin sa akin, "He loves you. Sorry because it took me years to tell him about you. Mama became coward along the way and I was mad at him. But right now, I confirmed that I was wrong. All I thought about him were wrong."
Nanatili kaming naroon. We were both sitting. He was behind me, locking his legs on my both side. Humilig ako sa kaniyang dibdib. Naramdaman ko ang hawak niya sa aking baywang at ang hininga niya sa aking tainga. This was what I wanted; what I had wished for many years. Yes, I gave up on my dreams because I thought being happy was impossible for me. And the days I had in La Virgen imparted me about what my life was destined to be. However, I wanted to try again. I wanted to try my luck. I wanted to be with the man I had ever loved.
I felt the arms of Antoine hovered up. My breathing hitched as I saw small red velvet box with a gold boarder line around it. When he opened it, I heard the ripping of my heart— so much happiness that I couldn't digest well. As I looked at the large diamonds of the ring on the box that was glinting as the sky illuminated a grey light, a feeling of surreality nudged all my senses. The ring was designed like infinite curves by the two thin gold as they formed a circle. Some of the little diamonds twinkled like some speckles silver light. Halos kapusin ako ng hininga noong kinuha niya ang aking kaliwang kamay at isinuot ang singsing sa aking palasingsingan.
"Let me love you, Hera. Let me do all the things you really deserve. I want to give the happiness you really deserve. I want to be happy. I am so sad without you and the years without you are not worth-living. Marry me, baby. I promise, I will make you happy every day."
My eyes welled up for the threatening of tears to fall again. This time, I was certain. I will marry this man. Kung ano man ang mangyayari ay bahala na.