January 2018, Los Angeles
"Kristen, listen...I'm sorry if I brought it up" I said to her back. I chased her of course. She could hardly close the door in my face when there's no door to slam.
We were in her tent and she was stubbornly ignoring me while she was diligently stirring her cup of coffee.
"You're gonna upset your stomach if you stir that coffee any more than needed." I commented, just to get words out there. Just in case she'll take the bait and acknowledge me again.
"I'm not in the mood Rob." She mumbled.
There it goes. She did talk, only to say that. Unfortunately for her, I'm here to coax her out.
"I can go with any mood" I shrugged. Anything will do.
After a few more stirs, she stopped. Her stubborn shoulders dropped and she just stood there, her back still to me.
"I'm sorry if I said those words. I didn't mean them." She mumbled incoherently, but it was clear enough for me.
I sighed. I'm not sure if this topic was wise at all. The least I can do is explain to her some things that have kept me awake for so many nights before, all those regrets of the past that I wish I could do something about.
"There isn't anything I can do now to change that impression...I know. I only got myself to blame. I could have done better for you. I just wish..." I said, trying to get everything out there.
She turned to look at me, leaving her coffee at the counter top and crossing her arms in front of her.
"You're right. Whatever those were before, we'll leave it there where it belongs, in the past." She agreed. I scanned her face, her guard was up. Like me, topics like these always had us both defensive and vulnerable, and we both don't like it.
I looked at her again, weighing options of chances in my mind. I'd never be able to get it out there again if I don't do this now. There's nothing more I want than to make her understand how I'm a better person now. I want to disprove her previous impressions. I want her to see me in a good way again.
"We could at least get this one out now..." I almost whispered, doubting my convictions again.
She stood there looking at me, she hasn't looked at me this long since we saw each other again. I suddenly fidgeted, running my hands through my hair. I probably shouldn't bring it up yet.
Her eyes softened. She turned to get her coffee but stopped midway. "Do you want one?" She asked.
"No...it's fine, I'm okay." I replied.
"I'll make you one anyway." She said. Aahh. Someone is restless. I smiled a little, at least. Relief flows through me again.
It amuses me how easily I remember her mannerisms even until now. I just shrugged. I prefer her making my coffee over anyone any day.
She made herself busy while I just sat there observing her. Why does she look so pale? She looked so tired lately. Hasn't she been getting enough sleep? It must have been the baby keeping her up and having to do house chores also. I have to ask her assistant about this, see if someone can lighten her load.
"Here, just the way you like it." She settled a mug in front of me then sat herself across. She gave me a tight smile and slowly took sips from her own mug. I realized she was waiting for me to speak up.
"So what made Nicholas punch them?" I asked. Yep, I just threw it out there, I'd probably regret this later. Although, that question has been niggling me ever since she brought it up a while ago.
I couldn't stop thinking about it. I couldn't stop thinking about how this man had been able to do something I wasn't able to do for her back then, how I failed her then.
"It was before. Some wise ass made a comment about me, wasn't nice" She shrugged. "It's not new...I've heard it a thousand times, like how much of a tramp I was. Nicholas...well he heard it loud and clear and somehow we were just talking about it that same night..." She continued, but I did notice the gradual loss of confidence in what she's explaining. "I'm only human Rob, there's a limit to what I can easily ignore. There are nights when I'm too sensitive that they actually get to me...you know that."
"Of course..." I whispered back. My self-hatred slowly brewing inside of me.
"So you see, he threw a punch that surprised everybody." She finished with a little smile to herself. A smile of triumph, or affection? No, I have to stop thinking about it that way.
"I guess you walked away laughing?"I can imagine her glee. How hard can it be to defend her? I could've risk reputation and brought that smile on her face. It could've been me.
"Actually no...I ended up trying to pry him from the poor guy...the last thing I would want is for him to injure himself and have it all over the paper." She said.
A scene like that probably did make it to the tabloids. He was probably too busy ignoring life then, no wonder he didn't see it.
"Good for him" I said while I finished my coffee in a few gulps. "Any more heroism that I haven't heard?"
She giggled a little, a private joke maybe. "Nothing you need to know."
"I'd like to hear more..." I forced a smile.
"Whatever for?" she asked.
"Well...I might find myself in situations like that with you, I could at least imitate the great Nicholas." I said, making sure my eye wandered then, it will roll if I won't.
She narrowed her eyes at me. "Now, you're just being an ass" she said as she stood up, prepared to walk out on me again.
Damn it. I knew I wouldn't be able to handle it.
"I'm sorry" I said before she could leave. "I was just kidding, and you're right, I'm an asshole."
She stopped just at the entrance to her tent, ready to leave him to his thoughts again.
"Rob..." She started.
"Nic is a good man." I said as I stood up and approached her to stand beside her spot. Her face was close to mine, she was close enough that I can see the sprinkle of those freckles on her pale skin, such beautiful skin. I sighed. What I'd give...
She did look up to look at me, maybe wondering what liberty I was about to take. I would take if I could. Now, I just settled to reaching out and tucking a stray hair back into place. I didn't deserve her back then, there was no question about it.
"Rob..." She started as I laid my hand on her cheek.
"...and Nic's damn lucky too. I envy him for being able to defend you." I stated before she could stop me.
Her face colored. Aah. A blush for me. Welcome warmth suffused my heart. I smiled at her, then before I left, I made sure to drop a kiss on her forehead.