(*I want to climb in his lap and tell him all my secrets♡♡♡♡)
You were not making sense even to yourself.
Jin ran a hand through his hair. He was at a loss here. He thought he knew what you were trying to say but he could not make sense of it.
Up until a few minutes ago you had been fire in his arms, warm and vibrant, teasing and giving as you pressed against him.
Something was wrong here. Then he remembered the couple of times you talked about your past relationship. He specifically remembered thinking you had not been treated kindly.
He felt rage at the thought. If that bastard hurt you he would find him and make things right.
Forcing a calm he did not feel, he made himself comfortable in the pillows of the couch.
To his surprise, you followed and leaned into his arms, your questioning gaze seeking permission as you did so.
He was surprised at how badly that made him hurt for you. You deserved only the best and he was determined you were going to get it.
He might as well start by being honest.
“I am really nervous too.” He confessed.
You looked at him, skepticism all over your face.
“You? You are nervous?? Why on EARTH would YOU be nervous?” you asked.
“Why is that so hard to believe? Why are YOU nervous?” he challenged.
“You first!” came your response.
Jin smiled and began to relax. Your spirit was back. The two of you could work through this.
“And no, I am not playing a game to see who goes first,” you warned.
“So,” Jin countered after thinking for a moment “ We say it at the same time and then we will discuss."
“Same time?” you asked “Promise?”
“Promise,” he said.
“1..2..3…"
"I am afraid I will disappoint you" Jin said.
“I don't want you to be disappointed,” you said at the same time.
You looked at each other and burst into laughter.
“Why on earth do you think I would be disappointed? “ you asked.
“How could you ever disappoint me?” he asked.
Taking a few deep breaths, Jin said “Why don't you go first."
You nodded and collected your thoughts.
“Well,” you paused a moment, pushing away your embarrassment. “ you have seen my problem.”
At his nod you continued. “ I have not had much..um…experience. Really only a handful of relationships, only 3 serious ones.”
“ The last one was….almost the last one. It was very unhealthy and, for a while, killed everything good in me.”
“ It lasted over three years and I have been struggling to rebuild myself for over a year now.”
“He was mean, and selfish and cared only for himself. He used me when I was convenient and ignored me when I wasn't”
You paused again and moved closer to Jin. He held you tighter, cursing himself as he realized his actions at the restaurant opening cut you much deeper than he realized, opening old wounds on top of his thoughtlessness.
“It was not physical, really. But now I can see how emotionally abusive he was. In the end everything was terrible,” you finished softly.
You stared, remembering the hurt of it until Jin kissed your forehead and brought you back to now, safe in his arms.
“He was thoughtless and selfish and cared nothing for me. Sex became a battlefield and I was always the loser. I tried to avoid it,” you paused, looking to see his reaction, blushing to be sharing these intimate failures.
His gaze was steady and encouraging, nodding at you to continue.
“ Most of time I could not avoid it or he would yell and cause a big fight or make me feel guilty. He made me feel like I had nothing else to offer and that I was not really a woman ……. I could not stand being ….. “ You were starting to stumble with your words and your emotions.
Jin kissed your forehead and encouraged you to continue.
“I was determined that he would get no reaction, no response from me, good or bad. So I just started checking out. Divorcing my mind from what was happening to my body. Just waiting until it was over.” Your voice broke on the last word.
“That bastard" Jin cursed, pulling you even closer to himself.
Without realizing it, you had crawled into his lap and rested you head on his shoulder. You sat cradled like that for long minutes, letting Jin soothe away the memories.
You drew strength from him. You began again.
“I finally had enough. I ended it. He begged and cried, but I left. I have been rebuilding for a year , my home, my credit, my self esteem. Until a few minutes ago I did not think about having to repair my… how…I ….“ you searched for the words until Jin silenced you with a soft kiss.
When he tried to pull away, you pulled him back to you.
Jin finally pulled away and searched your face.
“THAT woman, the one who turns a kiss into fire, the one who makes my heart race and breath catch, the one who haunts my dreams until I wake up hard and frustrated, who teases me to distraction on the phone?” he said in a low voice, kissing you once again, “ that woman is right here, just waiting for us to find her.”
You blushed at his words, grasping onto hope.
You only knew he made you feel like no other man before him had.
“Is there an “and”?” he asked, seeing something still lingering in your eyes.
“Just…that…..you are so beautiful and so…so…you and I am sure you have had the most glamorous women and…..” you stopped as you saw his face.
“And THAT is why I am afraid I will disappoint you" he said, sadness etched on his face.
It was your turn to listen.