*TW: domestic violence/abuse and trauma - please skip if you need*
Chapter Twenty Nine - Alena's P.O.V
It didn't matter how long it had been. The moment his face came into focus, it went right back out of it to be replaced by flashbacks; the blurry images of him punching walls and breaking lamps through my squinted eyes, the sound of his raised voice ringing through my ears. I could feel the weight of his body over me, suffocating me, the lights going dark around me.
That was, until the sun shone through the trees and reminded me that I was outdoors in LA, not locked inside my high school bedroom in Columbus.
"I hope you guys don't mind, I just thought it would be nice for all of us to be together again!" Shayna smiled, totally oblivious to the inner turmoil I was experiencing as she spoke.
"Of course," I muttered beneath my breath. I wanted so badly to excuse myself, but I didn't dare show weakness in this moment. I needed to stand tall. So much time had passed since I last saw Blake, since we last shared any kind of exchange like the ones that haunt me still. I suppose I can put on my brave face. After all, I am not the same girl that he used to take advantage of and bring to tears those years ago. I have grown, become stronger, learned what true love looks like from others and most importantly, from myself.
With my somewhat reluctant acceptance, the two joined us at the table and sat. There was a brief moment of shuffling in seats and adjusting positions, likely to fill the silence and avoid the inevitable discomfort that everyone had been feeling; that is, with the exception of Shayna and Blake, who both seemed quite pleased.
He was seated directly across from me, making it a challenge just to focus on the menu. I wasn't planning on ordering more than a water to drink considering that it's only lunch, but with these new, unexpected circumstances I figured I could use something to get through this next hour or so.
"So, how did this happen?" Liz finally broke the ice and asked what we were all undoubtedly wondering.
"It was just before my graduation, spring semester of senior year" Blake began. "I had remembered something about her coming to UCLA long before then, but with all of the people that were on that campus we just never crossed paths until way later."
"Some gen. ed. literature course that we were both putting off until the last second," Shayna blushed over the memory, her eyes locked on his as he explained. His voice, though matured, had not changed very much from what I heard in my memories... or should I say nightmares?
"We grabbed coffee one day with the intention of peer reviewing each other's final papers, but that wasn't exactly what ended up happening and now here we are." His grin was wider than ever, so self-satisfied. That would make it years that they have been together. How could we not have known about this?
"It's been a long time but we both just felt that all of the relationship bullshit that ends up on social media and being announced to the world is so unnecessary. The only people that need to value our relationship are the two of us. I guess today we just decided that it would be nice to welcome you ladies into that circle of people, as well." If he thought for a moment that their relationship was one that would be "valued" by me, he was possibly more delusional than ever before. How could this have happened, one of my childhood best friends and my abusive ex-boyfriend living together and long-term dating across the country?
Sure, we did not stay in touch nearly as well as we had anticipated; that's human. Also unfairly towards her, it was much easier for Jess, Liz, and I to get to each other in New England than it was for her to join us or us to get to her over in California. Truthfully, after being at school for sometime, she just became one of those people that felt more foreign than familiar. Did I want to see her? Of course. But a part of me knew that the two people coming together would not be the same two that once had. We had changed, I now see in more ways than I ever could've imagined.
As for Blake, I never really took it upon myself to reconnect with him. Once he had graduated from Centennial it only made sense to remove him from my social media, delete his number, and keep no tabs on him ever again. I never thought I would need to. So even if their anti-"relationship bullshit" on social media was real and actually practiced by him, I wouldn't have known either way.
"Well, congratulations to you both" I choked out with a fake smile, looking up from my menu for the first time since they had started speaking. "How is being here in LA treating you guys?" I did my best to move us onto the next topic of small talk despite my lack of interest in what their responses would be.
"It's been great, both of us out here working, living together, things truly couldn't be better."
"So modest babe, you seem to be forgetting that you're also working towards your Masters right now." Shayna elbowed him from behind the table, as if he was being modest without intention.
"That is so close to being done though, it's not exactly worth mentioning until it's really a done deal." The look on his face said the opposite, though; overjoyed that she had brought his accomplishments and success into the conversation.
This wasn't new to me... or he wasn't, rather. Even after all of these years and the time I'd spent trying to forget his mannerisms and demeanor, it all was right here in front of me once again, and nothing had changed. Just as slimy and charming, only now a man and no longer a boy.
I wanted to text Derrick from inside my menu, but couldn't bring myself to resurface that part of my life with him. The only time that we had discussed Blake and I's relationship was when we were first starting to get serious and had the exes conversation. I tried to keep the details to a minimum. He knows what happened, but doesn't quite know enough of it to know how I'm feeling right now.
Not like Tyler does. He, who had been with me in the more recent years following that trauma, was almost too familiar with it all. The nightmares, the flashbacks, the shivers when his touch would feel like Blake's against my skin and send me back to that place. Tyler was there. He knew. He picked me back up from the ground Blake had kicked me down to and taught me how to be loved. Derrick, on the other hand, got me when I was already "broken in" from it all, and didn't need me to take him on that rollercoaster of my past. Through being with Tyler, I had grown, and even beyond him I continued to because of the love he gave me. If it wasn't for him, I maybe never would have learned what I deserved.
But I can't text him right now. Not after telling him that it was inappropriate for him to be contacting me and then ignoring him. That wouldn't be fair to him, nor Derrick. It's not right for me to play with Tyler's emotions like that, and it's not right for me to leave Derrick in the dark anymore than I already have.
But if I look at that grin of his or notice how his hands grip tightly around the menu for any longer, I might explode. It's resemblance was to the way he'd grab my things from my shelves: books, lamps, frames, all of it. His arms would flex as he'd throw it all across the room... as he would hit me. I tried my best to refocus on the menu, on my drink, on the palm trees to my left. None of it mattered. I couldn't bring my mind back.
Getting up to leave also was not an option, though. Even with all of this going on in my head, I would not let it show. Not to him.
"Alena? Have you decided yet?" Jess asked me as politely as possible, clearly not trying to embarrass me despite everyone else visibly staring, including the waitress who may have been standing there for far too long.
"Um, I'll just take the chef's special, sauce on the side please." I smiled as I handed my menu off to her. The waitress slid her note pad back into her pocket and walked off with the menus piled in her arms, assuring that the food would be out shortly.
"Well, now that my order has put in I don't feel guilty running to the bathroom. If you'll excuse me for a moment..." I started to stand from my chair and walk towards the bathroom, only following signs on the walls to find my way there. Once the door was closed behind me, I pulled my phone out and stared down, debating whether or not to press the "Call" icon that was almost staring back at me. It's only lunch time, there's no way he's busy. Even if he may not know what to do it's better that I call and try to make it through this, I tell myself. Before I can play devil's advocate in my head and tell myself why this was a terrible idea, I heard his voice sound through my phone.
"Alena? What's going on?" I heard Tyler ask. Hearing his voice somehow both panicked and relaxed me simultaneously.
'Hey, I'm so sorry I called, are you busy?" A part of me hoped that he was in the middle of something and would have to go so this could be over. I could at least tell myself that I tried but he just couldn't talk. A perfect excuse to myself.
"Not at all... I'm just confused, last time we talked you sort of gave the impression that we shouldn't be talking, or that you don't want us to" I couldn't read his voice at all, but he certainly had a fair point. It wasn't right for me to be putting him in this position.
"I just have an, um, emergency I guess you could say... do you remember Blake?"
"Unfortunately yes, what about him? Are you okay?" There was now clear concern in his voice, which strangely comforted me as I felt that he cared. Why does it matter if he cares? The ring on your finger is not from him, Alena. I pushed my thoughts away quickly.
"I'm okay, physically, that is. Emotionally, not so much, that's why I called. I'm in LA with Jess, Liz, and Derrick and the girls and I had made plans to meet with Shayna and reunite over some lunch, but she brought Blake along and apparently they've been dating for at least a couple of years now. I just got up to go to the bathroom and called you because I can't stand being across the table from him and looking into his eyes any longer. I'm shaking Tyler I don't know what to do." Up until recently with all of the tour craziness and all that has followed, it had been a long time since I've dealt with anxiety of any kind. For a long time it started to feel like a new page had been turned in my life, but not anymore.
"Alena, please relax, deep breaths, close your eyes and breath slow. I want you to listen to what I'm about to say, okay?"
"Okay," I responded softly, while also nodding my head despite realizing afterward that he can't see me.
"You have come such a long way since he was a part of your life. He doesn't even know you anymore because the girl that he used to know is gone. She's now a strong, successful, beautiful woman who has survived everything that she has been through. Don't let him under your skin, he has no ground to stand upon with anything that he could say or do to you. You are so much better off now.
"And as for Shayna, a lot of time has passed since you last saw each other so understandably you may have changed, but no one can change so much that they think it's okay to do something like this to their so-called best friend. You really have no obligation to stay if you don't want to Alena, but I know that you're strong enough to make it through if you choose. I also know that you're stubborn and probably don't want to let him win, so staying is probably the only choice that you think you have." I could imagine him grinning as he said that, hearing him let out a small laugh at himself.
"Thank you, Tyler. I'm so sorry I called I just didn't know who else to turn to. I knew that you would understand."
"Of course, Alena. I'm here for you." For a moment, neither of us said anything. I knew that I should probably go, but I couldn't bring myself to leave. "You've got this, go show him the phoenix that had risen from the ashes all those years ago."
"Thank you," and with that I ended the call. After walking out of the stall, I put my phone back in my bag and looked in the mirror to freshen up. I wish he were here.
Tyler's P.O.V
"Was that Alena? What are you doing calling her?!" Josh was not happy. He had walked backstage to find me on the phone just as I had started my pep-talk to her, and his eyes had been wide ever since.
"I didn't call her, she called me." I couldn't help but smile a little bit. Selfish, I know. But she reached out. She wanted to talk to me.
"You both know that you shouldn't be talking to each other... just a week ago you told me to keep you away from her! And now here you are running off to talk."
"You're just mad because you're failing at your job. I may just have to fire you."
"Oh perfect, cause then there will be no one even trying to stop you from going after her! Tyler, please just think for a moment will you?"
"I just didn't know who else to turn to. I knew that you would understand" her words replayed in my head. Why didn't she feel like she could call Derrick? He's her finance, and I've been practically banished away. She really felt like I would understand better than he would?
Maybe my chance isn't totally lost, after all.
Alena's P.O.V
"Wow Alena, the ring looks even bigger in person!" Shayna smiled, making conversation as we ate. I had been back at the table for a while now and unsurprisingly, things had not gotten much better. Still, I pushed through.
"Thank you," I smiled back.
"Who's the lucky guy?" Blake chimed in, practically hissing like the snake he is.
"His name is Derrick, we actually met during our post-graduation girls' trip to Cape Cod but we stayed in touch throughout undergrad and started dating during that time. He's an architect and moved out to Columbus for us to live together and for him to start his business. He still loves me like we're young and just getting to know each other, yet sacrifices for me like we're all he's ever known. I'm very lucky." I happily boasted over him, bragging about how much better off I was without Blake and instead with someone who cares about me. Someone who does literally everything he can to make me happy... I really don't deserve it.
"Lucky is right, now I'm just waiting for him to find me a friend!" Jess joked, making Liz and I laugh with her. Somehow she manages to lighten the mood and light up any room. Thank goodness her and Liz were here.
"I suppose congratulations are in order then," Blake concluded, smugly. He raised his glass and looked over to Shayna before saying, "To happily ever after" which, in the interest of being polite, the rest of us sang back. As he took a sip from his glass, he brought his head straight again and his eyes returned to mine, staring too deep within me for comfort. I almost choked on my drink.
Thankfully, it was all over soon enough. Once the check was taken and we gave obligatory hugs all around, Jess, Liz, and I were on our way back to the hotel. Frankly, I wanted nothing more than to leave LA right in that moment. It didn't matter anymore that my friends were here, or that my fiancé was back at the hotel waiting for me. I just wanted to go back to Columbus and be far away from everything that had just occurred.
"Hey ladies, how was lunch?" Derrick smiled, holding his arms out to embrace me in a hug as we walked into the room. He had been sitting at the desk with his laptop open and some plans out next to it, with the TV playing some random movie on FX.
"Sickening." I was the only one to respond, I guess Jess and Liz figured I should be the one to tell him.
"What?! What happened?" He pulled away to look at me as we spoke, his face showing visible concern and confusion.
"Apparently, Shayna is now dating my ex-boyfriend from high school Blake, and also felt it was appropriate to have him join us for our reunion lunch today." I didn't even try to sound pleased, I was still so disturbed and unsettled by the entire event.
"That's unbelievable, I'm so sorry Lena. I guess time shows you who your true friends are."
"He's right Alena, what happened sucked but at least it's over and we still get to be here with the real people in our lives. We can't let it ruin the rest of the time we are lucky enough to have here." Liz consoled me, putting her hand on my shoulder and giving me a small smile.
"We are all here for you and at the end of the day that's all that matters." Jess added, putting her hand on my other shoulder. I stretched out my arms and squeezed all of them in a group hug before letting a "thank you" out from under my breath. Without them, I really don't know where I would be right now. I guess they were right, I couldn't let this ruin the rest of the trip. I would try my best to have that mentality, but truthfully nothing was the same after that lunch. I just couldn't enjoy the sun and breeze the same way I had that morning. Every fiber of my being was simply aching for home.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Hi friends! I know it's been a while, what's new. Just can't write as often as I would like to. My goal is to finish this story by the end of the summer, though! So help hold me accountable and bug me when it's been a while in between updates!! In the mean time, I hope you enjoyed this chapter :)