He was going to wash the dishes for you.
In just a minute he would go and help.
In just a minute.
You were almost finished getting everything ready for the table.
You had glanced over earlier and saw that Jin had finished the entire plate you had put on the table. He must be starving.
You hurried to finish and get everything put away so the rest of the time would be only for him.
Finally finished, you walked over to the couch calling his name.
"Jin....Jin?" reaching his side you could see that he had leaned back and fallen asleep.
You were so swept away by the feel of his mouth and hands earlier you had not really looked into his face.
You looked closely at him now, asleep on your couch, head tilted at an awkward angle, mouth open slightly, his breath deep and even, you noticed what you did not before.
His face was pale and there were deep, dark circles under his eyes. Your heart went into immediate protective mode.
You quietly slipped into your bedroom. Shrugging, you exchanged your tight jeans for a comfortable pair of leggings. You grabbed your pillows and a couple of blankets.
Back in front of the couch, you put the pillows down and fussed with them until they looked comfortable.
You carefully put your arms around Jin's shoulders and gently holding his head, leaned his body into the pillows.
He was restless at the movement until you whispered his name, telling him to relax and lay down. He lifted his legs onto the couch and curled his body, settling even deeper into the comfortable cushions. It made you happy to see him resting.
You reached for the blankets, pulling them to cover him. As you straightened to pull away, you were surprised as Jin's hand reached for you, pulling you down to him.
In his sleepy voice he called your name and mumbled "Sleep with me....please."
His words brought a rush of heat. Of course he meant literally sleep, but those words made your heart race.
You quickly snuggled in close to him, holding his hand to your chest and memorizing his beautiful face at rest.
Soon the peaceful sound of his breathing, the warm glow of the room and the feeling of contentment overcame you and you fell into sleep beside him.
You slowly began to awaken to a weight in your chest.
There was something you should remember but your sleep had been too deep.
You tried to move and felt panic creep in as you felt an arm holding you tight.
You moved your leg and then realized there was a knee pressed between yours, a leg thrown over yours entangling your legs so you could not move them.
Your eyes flew open, fighting the fear rising inside you. You looked down to find Jin snuggled against you and your mind fought with your body.
"It's Jin...it's Jin" you whispered to yourself over and over.
You looked down and made yourself look at his long legs, one of them hooked between yours.
You recognized the sweater he had been wearing covering the arm wrapped around your waist.
His smell was familiar to you as you forced yourself to take deep breaths. You tried to force your body to relax but you failed.
"Not now...not with him" you pleaded with yourself.
Jin felt you begin to move underneath him and he groaned in response.
At some point in his sleep he had rolled and found your sweet, soft body next to his.
This was a new dream and it was wonderful.
He threw his arm around your waist and drew you closer to him. His leg crooked into yours, easing the weight on his hips. But maybe best of all, his head had come to rest on your chest, pillowed by your soft breasts, lulled by your even breaths.
Later, as he began to stir he nuzzled into you, finding the soft fragrant skin of your neck as he kissed you, mumbling against the tender skin.
You felt your body stiffen, despite the fact that Jin's sweet mouth was raining kisses down the sensitive column of your neck, the fresh stubble of his face adding to his caresses.
Tears of frustration started to form as you fought to bring yourself to the present, to concentrate on him.
But you could feel yourself withdrawing and shutting down, forcing your body to ignore the pleasure that his mouth and hands were bringing.
You closed your eyes tightly as your body completely stilled and out of habit you withdrew into yourself. Shutting Jin and everything else out, you locked yourself away.
Jin was slowly coming awake, realizing that he was not dreaming. He remembered sitting on the couch and your soft voice talking to him, covering him with warmth.
He smiled at the fuzzy memory of you snuggling into him and holding him as he went back to sleep.
As he came awake, he noticed the changes in your body.
You were no longer moving beneath him, shifting with him as he moved. He looked to see your hand next to his, now clutched into a fist.
Alarmed he raised his head to seek your face and his heart started to slam out of his chest.
He quickly pulled away from you, calling your name and apologizing over and over.
His face paled as he saw you lying on the couch next to him, arms stiff to your sides, your eyes closed tightly with silent tears streaming down your face.
"I am so sorry...please, say something. Please I'll leave immediately. Just please let me know you are ok. I am so sorry!" he begged as he struggled to move away from you without touching you again.
Jin felt sick to his stomach. He had obviously crossed a line and he was struggling to wake up and understand what was happening.
Hearing his voice, your eyes flew open and you were ashamed to see the concern on his face as he tried to move away from you.
As he gave you space you sat and pulled to one end of the couch.
"Jin...I am so sorry. It is me. Please, don't worry. It's me. I'm the screwed up one" you rushed to explain, tears now falling freely.
Still bewildered, Jin shook his head and reached for your hand. You grabbed onto him like a lifeline.
"Tell me, please. Tell me what is going on. Tell me so I can understand. I want to help" he whispered.
Drawing a deep breath you nodded and looked into his face.
"Jin. I am so sorry. You probably think I am a freak. I feel like a freak," you started.
"Stop that. None of that!" Jin said in a stern voice. "You are not a freak. I should not have ... done that without your permission."
"It's not that," you said in a rush " I woke up and was disoriented and I ....panicked. It is me..... it has nothing to do with you. I promise."
He took both your hands in his and said "If anything I do causes you to be uncomfortable, if my touch causes you to panic, that has a lot to do with me. Tell me what to do."
"Jin...." You paused, looking into his face. You wanted this man, you wanted this relationship. This was not your former boyfriend. He deserved so much more than this.
"Jin.... I want....this. I want you. But I am so scared and nervous. When that happens, I just shut down. I am scared that is how I will be when we....when....if...." your voice trailed off.
You were not making sense even to yourself.
NOTE: still with me?