Kabanata 46
The meeting was done quickly. I thought what Andrea told me was just ephemeral but I was wrong. The idea of it kept on riling on my head that it made me piqued. The idea of feigning an okay facade was futile because all I could think was on how I bellow my wrath to Antoine! What was the reason why he was making his advances on me? I had no one in my life— I had no one to be my buttress when I was in pain. Although, I knew that I had to blame myself on this growing predicament in my life again. There was no one told me to let Antoine be in my life again— it was solely decided by myself and not had been influenced by anyone. This was what I wanted and now that my little bubble of illusions were about to explode, the walls around my heart slowly splintered.
The meeting was done with a brief explanation about the scope of the project and how it will start. I couldn't understand some of their topics but I had to jot it on the notebook. During the meeting, I couldn't help but to be dazzled with that woman in front of me. She had the perfect curves. Her body was voluptuous and toned— making her like a VS Angels. Her dyed-hair was emphasizing vulgarity and wanton. This was probably the body Antoine wanted for himself. He will never be satisfied with my almost paper white skin and petite anatomy. With his calibre and air, I knew he wanted more— he wanted a woman who can do the work to give him the satisfaction and contentment.
Thinking about what happened to us yesterday made me flush. I wasn't that good in bed, I didn't know if I had satisfied Antoine. Antoine had this impressive knack to please woman. However, I felt like I had done something wrong. I didn't make any move to pleasure him. I knew that I couldn't do those things so I tried to toss it out of my head. If he weren't satisfied with my novice actions in bed, then he should stop seeing me. Kasi ako mismo ay hindi siya gusto sa buhay ko!
Antoine texted me when we were already in the car asking me if the meeting was done but I just ignored his message and the grudge I was holding for him skyrocketed. Mr. Villareal neither opened any topic nor made an explanation for his friend. Nor did he talk about Antoine. I knew that he sensed that I wasn't okay but thankfully, he opted to stay silent. The new sprouted anger was stemmed from the news I had heard awhile and I didn't think I can talk with that Antoine this time. I might shoot him the words I had tried to suppress.
The white heat on my heart was still there. I had no idea on how to remove it or to subside it. All I was thinking was about Antoine— his pathetic sexy smirk, his falsity words, and his seductive chuckle. I wanted to whack myself that even I was mad at him, I could still appreciate how perfect he was— no, he wasn't perfect, he was flawed yet I was still in love with him. Hindi ko ba alam kung bakit ganito nalang ako. I knew that letting him in on my life was an invite to a fiasco. I didn't want to be wrecked again; I couldn't afford another set of pain and suffering.
When we finally arrived at the base of the building, the car came to a halt one Mr. Villareal found a parking slot. I unfastened my seatbelt and opened the door for me to step out. The air in the basement wasn't that pleasing. The humidity reached its peak as the thick touch of it crawled throughout my body. I stood straight and when Mr. Villareal started to walk, I awkwardly followed his steps. I wondered if he had texted Antoine about his meeting with Andrea. Bakit naman niya gagawin iyon?
The office hadn't had any bustling employees. Even Ms. Judelyn wasn't in her office when we passed over it. I looked at my wristwatch and saw that it was already four in the afternoon. Wala naman ng appointment si Mr. Villareal so I concluded that he'll get home early. At sana kahit na magkaibigan sila ni Antoine ay h'wag na niya sanang sabihin na uuwi na kami. Right now, seeing Antoine was the least thing I wanted to do. I didn't want to talk to someone when my mind was clouded with wrath out of betrayal. I might have spitted information that I will regret once my wrath subsided.
I thought after the meeting, Mr. Villareal was done on work but I was wrong. He was still working for the upcoming event on Monday. So, as his secretary, I did some paper works and arrangement. When he was done signing a bundle of important documents, he asked me to give it to the Finance. I did all the things he was asking me. This event seemed so requisite for him. Well, I wondered if there was something else except for the expansion of their company's power. I shrugged when I realized that I was becoming inquisitive newsmonger.
"Hi, bago ka palang dito?" a girl asked once I plunged the documents in the table.
I nodded and smiled, "Yes,"
"Oh, hi! I'm Teressa!" she hovered up her hand— asking for a handshake.
"Hera," tinanggap ko iyong kamay niya.
"You know, the team wants to hang-out, wanna come?" she asked amiably.
"Where?"
"BGC. Bar lang." she informed after which, she glanced at the documents.
"Maybe next time," I smiled apologetically.
Bar wasn't my thing. I didn't want the smell of the mixed alcohol scent and vapes. That was the thing I hate the most when I was still working in the bar. The strong smell of it piqued me.
"Hmm, okay." she beamed, "By the way, nice to meet you,"
"Nice to meet you, too."
I motioned her that I was going. After she nodded, I spun around and made a beeline to the office of the CEO. I wanted to have some friends here in my new work place but the first invite did not work on me. Well, Teressa seemed nice and friendly and I wanted to befriend to her. When I was already in my table, I did not notice that I was wandering on my own chasm of thoughts. I wobbled my head when I was about to start deeming about Antoine again. When the intercom started to talk, I instantly listened to Mr. Villareal's request for a cup of coffee. After that, he asked me to arrange the papers on the glass table so did I do what he said. The work was a cinch hence when I was done with it, I just took a moment and let the silence engulfed all over the atmosphere.
The panorama outside through the glass wall was breathtakingly sublime. As the dusk wore on and the shadows inside started to stretch, the amber light started to percolate around the vicinity on my sight. Some of the statuesque buildings started to light up with speckles of white light. I was idle for a moment because Mr. Villareal was busy on some crucial documents on his laptop.
This was all unconceivable for me. The metro... the city lights... the company... all of these were unforeseen. When I was a kid, I dreamt to be a teacher and lived a simple life in my domicile. I was in love with La Virgen. Despite the black scenarios happened I was still and forever will be in love with that place. However, I needed to move away just so to stop myself from dwelling on the past that actually was making me bleed. I wondered if I can still stand on the seashore without the montage of pictures attacking my head.
Siguro ay ganoon talaga. When you were in love, it was inevitable to get hurt— it applied anyone. When you were in love, expect things that might give you pain and put you to quagmire. Loving wasn't an easy game, there was no escape; there was no shortcut. All twirled around happiness, bitterness, pain, and the likes. In the arena of love, there was no sweet without bitterness; there was no happiness without sadness; and there was no solace without pain.
It was eight in the evening when Mr. Villareal stopped. Mayhap he was done with his work. He told me to go home already because he was meeting someone tonight. I gave a tacit nod of reluctance after that I emerged out of the room. I used the elevator to descend down the lobby. While I was in the elevator, I couldn't help but to thing about the dalliance relationship of Antoine to other women. I knew what he was— I wasn't oblivious towards that information. I couldn't help but to pray that he was not yet here so that I can escape from him. Kasi pakiramdam ko, kailangan ko na talagang ilayo ang sarili ko sa kaniya. He was no good to me and I didn't want to meet an ordeal again.
I want to effuse all the pain that lodged on my chest. It was too hard to bear especially the image of Andrea Veltuno kept on flashing on my head. I was awoken from my own trance when the elevator halted and swung to open. The lobby was deserted only with the janitors and security guards who were busy doing their job. On my part, I could see Antoine on the threshold of the lobby— seemed busy talking with the guard. My heart became exuberantly aggressive in my chest. I dawdled as I rummaged my eyes to see a safety way to escape from Antoine.
The looming anger intensified especially when Antoine's attention swooped to my part. The seriousness on eyes was unyielding. I wanted to wrap myself with nothing but kindness but his presence was enough to pique the warrioress inside me. Instantly, I remembered what Andrea Veltuno said. They met. That idea can suffice to awake the gnawing wrath within me.
"You done?" he asked seriously when he was finally in front of me.
"What are you doing here?"
The coldness on my voice was so audible.
"I'm fetching you,"
I shook my head, "I won't go home yet."
Kumunot ang kaniyang noo, "Why? May pupuntahan ka pa?"
Gosh, I wasn't prepared of my cogent alibi. I though he will never ask for an elaboration to my sentence. I wandered my eyes— trying to avoid his menacing eyes that were closely watching every move I made. I felt a permeating ease when my eyes darted to Teressa together with our colleagues. When they saw me, they waved, however, their eyes were mesmerizingly fixated to the man in front of me. Tumingin ako kay Antoine at ngumiti ng pilit.
"I am going with them," I pointed Teressa who was now confused why I did that.
"Where are you going?" he asked darkly— the tone on his voice was spitting with unyielding contradiction.
"Bar," I retorted coolly.
His jaw clenched upon hearing my answer. Binalingan niya sina Terassa na mukhang paalis na.
"Teressa, wait!" I shouted to stop them from leaving, "Antoine, just go home. Nagkayayaan and I don't want to decline their amiable invite."
"Which bar?" halos tumindig ang balahibo ko dahil sa tanong niya.
"I don't know." I shrugged and spun around.
Agad akong tumakbo kila Teressa nang hindi hinihintay ang sasabihin ni Antoine. On the other hand, Teressa seemed perplexed to what I was doing. Maybe they thought that I will stick to what I said awhile. No, nagbago na ang isip ko! I wanted to go to the bar just so I can escape the brute who was now wheeling to our part.
"Sasama ako," I informed Teressa.
"Oh! Mabuti at nagbago ang isip mo," she smiled to me.
Nakita ko ang panlalaki ng kaniyang mata no'ng tumingin siya sa aking likod. I didn't need to ask why she reacted that way when I felt a large and rough hand that situated on the small of my back. Sumulyap ako kay Antoine na ngayon ay seryosong nakatingin sa akin. Tumikhim ako at naestatwa no'ng linapit niya ang kaniyang katawan sa akin kasabay ng pagbulong niya sa aking tainga.
"I will come with you,"
Silence sat at the atmosphere. All my colleagues fell silent as their eyes widened because of what Antoine said. I wanted to object, I wanted to correct what he had said but when he caressed sensually the small of my back, I lost all my senses. I knew I had to restrain myself from reacting that way but the effects of Antoine were so strong. The sensual stroke his hand was doing in my back was soothing.
When we decided to go, Antoine ushered me to his expensive car. I was telling him that I should go with them but this brute was too adamant to what he was fighting for. I wanted to do a tirade to prove a point. What was the use of his presence here? He should have stayed with that smexy blonde with full rounded breasts. I knew what the thing that could arouse the neglected anger within me because once I thought about Andrea, I felt the looming wrath and exasperation towards the brute who was now seriously driving.
The idea of bushwhacking this asshole was not good. Maybe I can tell what really was piquing me whole day, and I hope after that, he'll leave me. I didn't want him into my life. Antoine was my happiness yet the cause of my pain.
The growing and intensifying wrath was hard to suppress not to explode. I had to inhale and exhale for a while to recollect myself. I averted my gaze to the places we were passing by. This time, it was so hard to appreciate the beauty of the nature especially that Antoine was kept of glimpsing at me while he was driving— I knew it despite my position.
We followed the car of my colleagues. I couldn't stay calm and my hands were fidgeting unconsciously because of the mixed of angst and anger that was twirling around my chest. Antoine seemed not to notice my actions because his eyes were fixated to the road. I tried to avert my attention to something new, I wanted to clutch tightly the spleen that had been in my hand since I learned that he had seen his woman awhile just to stay still and won't exacerbate the situation. If I would shout at him, I will make sure my mind will not waver nor be crippled. Stammering was the least I wanted to happen when I was angry.
Bonifacio Global City was no Gomorrah. It was so beautiful and astounding as all the tall building rose perfectly. I was neither fond of city lights nor large buildings but BGC offered high quality structures that could make me stunned for a while. This maybe the center of the city, I thought as I stopped in front of the Bank Bar— that was the name of the club. Before I could open the door, Antoine opened it for me. I knew exactly what would be the reaction of the people once they saw Antoine with a woman. The intrusive eyes of everyone darted to us unabashedly. They were curious who I was. Antoine was known to be one of the hottest eligible bachelor in town and to see him with a woman was nudging each and everyone's curiosity.
Tumuwid ako sa pagkakatayo nang maramdaman ko ang magaspang at malaking kamay ni Antoine na dumantay sa aking likuran. I moved a little bit just so we will not get any more attention but I knew it was just a futile try. Although, Antoine did not seem to get my point when he pulled me against his body— closing the little space I tried to provide between us.
"What are you doing?" He whispered near my ear, sa sobrang lapit niya at halos tumama na ang kaniyang ilong sa itaas ng aking tainga.
Nanginig ang buo kong katawan, "May nakatingin,"
Hindi na ako tumingin sa kaniya dahil sa sobrang lapit niya. He was crouching as though he was so attentive on my statement.
"So?"
I shrugged, "I don't want them to think that I am one of your fuck buddies."
"What are you saying, woman?" The darkness on his voice was audible that made me tingle.
Umiling nalang ako at hindi na pinansin ang kaniyang tanong. Sumunod rin siya sa akin at agad na pinulupot ang kamay sa aking baywang. Once we entered the bar, the familiar atmosphere of it assaulted my mind. People were all in a lively beat of the music and some were intoxicated. I was before a waitress and now, I was one of the guesses. While we were walking, there were so many people greeting Antoine. He was known here and I couldn't help but to feel small especially when I saw women about his age or mine with hourglass bodies and a wanton aura. Hindi ko tuloy mapigilang isipin kung naikama na sila ni Antoine.
"Hey, Antoine!" A man approached us. Hinila ako ni Antoine palapit sa kaniyang katawan, "You're with... you're girlfriend?"
"Yes," he uttered and immediately excused to get ourselves a place.
Gusto ko sanang itama ang kaniyang sinabi kaya lang ay hindi ko na nagawa dahil sa paghila niya sa akin palayo sa lalaki.
"Do you want to get another VIP seat?" Bulong niya sa akin.
I shook my head, "I'm with my colleagues. Ikaw nalang,"
Umigting ang kaniyang panga at tignignan ako ng masama, "I'm with you,"
I gave him a languid shrug before turning to my colleagues. They were now on their seats and expecting us to join them. Of course, I will join them, even though Antoine was dissuading me to do so because he wanted us to be alone. Bahala ka, I was still angry with you and I will not let this night go in your terms. The sofa of the VIP seat was wide and can accommodate at least 10 or more persons. Antoine sat at the end of the sofa and hauled me beside him. Teressa sat beside me while the others were now busy imbibing their drinks.
The hand of Antoine snaked on my waist and pushed me to recline on his chest. I squirmed subtly to stop him from his plan and I heard him groan because of my action. When he figured out that I will not depend on him, he was the one who closed the space between us and whispered near my ear.
"Don't drink," halos tuminding ang balahibo ko ng marahang tumama ang kaniyang ilong sa aking tainga.
"I won't..."
"Good," he languidly caressed my waist and then halted on my under boob.
"Hera!" Teressa called me, "Let's dance!"
Napatingin ako sa mga kasamahan namin. They all stood up and ready to go along the rhythm of the music. The idea of dancing was a good idea, as of now, because I was trying to get away from Antoine. However, the brute beside me expressed his disapproval when I felt his hold tightened on my waist. I almost lost my concentration when he brushed his nose on my cheek. Tumingin ako kay Teressa na namula dahil sa nakikita niya ngayon. Antoine seemed so affectionate and I was certain that the eyes of people were all on us. I wondered if my face will be on tabloid or news articles after this night.
I shook my head to Antoine and stood up. Restrain yourself, Hera! I mentally yelled to myself. Hindi iyong kunting hawak niya lang sa'yo ay nakakalimutan mo na ang mga ginagawa niya. He was fooling you again. Why did he not tell me who he was meeting? Why did he keep this a secret if there was nothing happened? He had a meeting to his ex-fling— I didn't know if she was his ex-fling or what. I glared at Antoine who clutched on my wrist as though he wasn't gonna let me dance. I wobbled my hand just to get off his hold.
"I want to dance, Antoine!"
He licked his lower lip as he looked at me darkly, "Can we just sit here?"
"Ayoko!" hinila ko ang aking kamay at binitawan niya naman, "If you want to sit, then sit. Basta ako sasayaw ako!"
Agad akong tumalikod at naglakad na papunta sa dancefloor. It was crowded with throng of party-goers. Even though I was not good in socializing with this kind of people, I gave it a try. Maybe I will like this life if I let myself experience the rhythm of it. Lumapit sa akin si Teressa at may binulong.
"Drink at least one glass, mas gaganahan ka!" she shouted near my ear because if she whispered, probably her voice will be drowned by the beats of the music.
Iiling sana ako kaso ay may binigay na siya sa aking isang baso ng tequila galing sa dumaang waiter sa gilid namin. In the end, I took it and without any qualm, I imbibed it. I scrunched up as the heat of it suffused on throat. Teressa laughed at me because of my reaction and my other colleagues cheered for me.
"Boyfriend mo pala si sir Antoine!" Teressa nudged me while jumping when the music went lively, "Tignan mo, o. He's looking at you as if you are going to be snatched by someone. Hindi ka ba natutunaw diyan?"
"He's not my boyfriend." I informed and took another glass from the waiter and drank it furiously.
Naalala ko na naman ang kaniyang babae. I wanted to repel the image of Andrea on my head but it was so hard. I subtly glanced at Antoine who was now holding a glass of brown liquor but his eyes were all on me. I glared at him and turned around. I need to get away just to have fun— to fend off the idea of the woman whimpering and moaning the name of Antoine whilst the latter kept of pushing and pulling himself. What the fuck, I was really fucked up right now!
Ngunit hindi pa ako nakalalayo ay naramdaman ko na ang pagpulupot ng isang kamay sa aking braso. I turned to see who that person was. I glared at Antoine whose hand was clutched on my forearms. He was looking at me darkly but it did not make me flinch or what. I think the liquor ignited the fire of anger within me. Bakit ba siya nandito ngayon? Bakit niya ako ginugulo? Para saktan ako? Para saan? I was wrecked for a very long time and here he was, giving another series of pain to me. I tried to get my hand off him but it tightened when he noticed what I was going to do.
"Get off me!" I shouted at him.
"Come on, Hera."
"Get away from me, Antoine! Bakit ka ba kasi nandito? Why can't you just go to your other woman and don't mess with my life again?!"
Nanlaki ang kaniyang mga mata. Mas lalong umigting ang galit ko sa kaniya at tinulak siya. I need to get away from him before my wrath rupture the bubble of restraint that I was holding hours ago. The looming anger on my chest was escalating every step I was making and every call he did make to stop me from walking away from him. From the side of my eyes, I could see the heads of every party-goer crane to look at us. I knew that being chased by Antoine Immanuel Kingston meant riveting all the attention of the people. The throng rived as if they were aware of what was happening so did they give me a way to walk on.
When I thought it was futile to walk away from him especially that I was only in the circle of the crowd, I pushed myself to the women's washroom despite the fact that Antoine was just walking behind me talking with his own bullshit. My plan for this day was to get away from him, I didn't want to talk to him while the burning anger was still fuelled on. When I slammed the door shut, I reclined on the door and sighed heavily.
The washroom was deserted. Mabuti nalang dahil may balak akong magkulong hanggang sa magdesisiyon siyang umalis nalang. Narinig ko ang pagkatok niya at pagtawag sa aking pangalan.
"Hera, what's wrong?"
Huminga ako ng malalim at siniguradong hindi ako mauutal.
"Ano ba, Antoine?! Can't you see? I don't want to see you again! Bakit mo pa kasi ako pinag-aaksayahan ng panahon? You have other girls, doon mo nalang ibuhos lahat ng oras mo sa kanila. I don't want you in my life! Gugulo ang buhay ko— ano ba!"
My tirade was cut when he tried to push the door. I didn't lock the door! Halos sabunutan ko ang aking sarili dahil sa katangahan. It was useless to argue with myself right now because Antoine was pushing the door to open. I gave all my full strength on pushing the door but it couldn't equal the strength of Antoine. When he opened the door, my fragile hand balled just to throw a fist on his chest.
"Ano ba!" I shouted at him while punching his chest, the tears were now pushing their ways out of my eyes.
"Baby, what's wrong? Please tell me." he whispered calmly while I was here, shooting him with intensified anger.
"Umalis ka na sa buhay ko! Hindi kita kailangan!"
Hinawakan niya ang aking kamay para pigilan sa pagsuntok. I squirmed and tried to get off his hold but he was too strong.
"Okay na ako, e!" I cried.
Halos hindi ko na maaninag ang kaniyang mukha dahil sa luhang namumuo at dumadaloy mula sa aking mga mata.
"Okay na ako pero bumalik ka pa! I was wreck, Antoine! Paunti-unti ko nang nabubuo ang sarili ko. I almost all my sanity when I lost everything! Tapos ngayon babalik ka? Para saan? To destroy me after being repaired?"
"Hera, what are you talking about?" malamyos niyang saad, kabaliktaran sa haras ng aking boses, "Please, tell me what did I do. Please, don't confuse me. Let's talk about it without the shouting..."
"Bakit ba ako ang ginugulo mo?" I tried to get my hands but he did not let me. His eyes were blank— an obscure view like the enticing mysteries of the galaxy. "Bitawan mo ako at pumunta ka na sa mga babae mo!"
"Wala akong ibang babae, Hera—"
"Shut the fuck up and don't include me in your whoring game, Antoine! 'Di ba nagkita kayo ni Andrea kanina? Lunch? After that, what did you two do?" I shouted.
Nanlaki ang kaniyang mga mata. Kalaonan ay nakita ko ang multong ngiti na sumilay bahagya sa kaniyang labi pero agad rin iyong nawala at napalitan ng pagseseryoso. Mas lalo akong nainis dahil mukhang natuwa pa siya sa aking sinabi!
"I had a meeting with his father because he's planning to withdraw all his investments in our company. I didn't know that she'll come, Hera."
Umiwas ako ng tingin, "Umalis ka na."
"I said my explanation already, baby. What's the point of pushing me away?" he asked perplexedly, "We did nothing, okay? Even you ask my secretary."
"Ayaw na kitang makita—"
Naputol ang pasasalita ko nang marahan niyang hinila ang aking kamay ko at marahas na hinalikan ang aking labi. I pushed him away but he was too strong. Noong huminto siya ay nakitaan ko ng sakit ang kaniyang mga mata. Kinagat niya ang kaniyang labi at pumikit bago tumingala.
"You can make love with me but you can also push me away like a useless piece of toy when you don't need me anymore..." marahan ngunit ramdam ko ang pait sa kaniyang boses.
Sumikip ang aking dibdib dahil sa kaniyang sinabi, "Stay away from me, then."
Tumingin siya sa akin gamit ang galit ngunit may lungkot na mga mata bago dahan dahang binaba ang aking mga kamay. While he was gently letting me go, I felt a painful squeeze on my heart. Parang may nagiba sa aking kalooban dahil doon.