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SONG FOR THE CHAPTER
❝ Lunatic, Lunatic, Lunatic ❞ by Margot & The Nuclear So and Sos
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After a few seconds, I react rather quickly. Once the realization dawns upon me that we almost were being intimate, the socially awkward defense mechanism I have already developed within my brain causes me to jump from the chair and desperately escape the unexpected physical contact. With my stomach in knots, I cringe at the situation.
Casper seems disturbed by my reaction, "What's wrong?" he asks with a confused tone.
"Nothing," I lie to him nervously, but it's quite obvious that I'm anxious about something. Hopefully, I can think of a good reason to excuse myself. I don't want to make a spectacle of myself any more than I already have.
"Is everything okay?" he asks me again, only this time he sounds worried. I think that I hurt his feelings and perhaps he believes I rejected him. Casper frowns slightly and his eyebrows crease together with chagrin.
"Yeah, I'm fine," I assure him timorously with a trembling voice, "Um... I have to use the bathroom! I'm just... Uhh... Yeah, gimme a minute!"
"But, Chloe-"
"I'll be right back!"
Much to his dismay, I suddenly interrupt the middle of his sentence when I veer around and scamper out of the movie theatre. The last thing I saw before turning the corner was the expression of complete and utter disappointment on his face. It's official... I'm a terrible person. Not only do I feel nauseous, but I feel absolutely guilty. The embarrassed look in his eyes torments me with remorse and shame.
However, my social anxiety only becomes worse... I scramble into the bathroom and frantically grab hold of the counter to balance myself. I'm weak in the knees and can't seem to stop unsteadily swaying back and forth on my feet. Overwhelmed with emotion, I continue to wobble and quiver. My heartbeat is palpitating and my head is throbbing with pain. After succumbing to a pulsating headache, I stare at my haunting reflection in the mirror.
During that moment, I suppress the urge to faint. The chaotic thoughts surge through my mind like a hurricane. I'm consumed by regret and bad memories. The situation with Casper only makes the burden heavier. Unbeknownst to him, I've never been capable of enjoying intimacy. Criticizing myself internally, I hate that I've ruined perhaps my only chance at being close to him. That was such a fucking disaster.
My brain can't seem to process what happened. One minute, I was watching an obnoxious movie and the next, I was almost nuzzled underneath the muscular arms of undeniably the most handsome boy in Seabrooke... Any girl in my position would have been in heaven, but for me it was hell... It's nothing against Casper, it's just that I have many unresolved, personal issues. However, it doesn't seem to register in my mind that I had the opportunity to canoodle with him and still managed to cause a total catastrophe.
I will admit that my reaction was rather dramatic and impulsive. However, that doesn't excuse the fact that I'm a heartless bitch for being so inconsiderate of his feelings. Actually, I'm far worse... I'm a coward. I allowed my fears and insecurities to singlehandedly eradicate any possible chance of my potential happiness. It's quite tragic; my social awkwardness never fails to obliterate everything in its wake. Within only a few seconds, my only source of comfort was snuffed out. He was only trying to be nice, but it's very likely that I could have just destroyed my friendship with Casper.
However, that begs the question: why did he put his arm around me? It was that small public display of affection that turned me into a neurotic mess. How could it not? This entire night I thought Casper was mad at me. He ignores me, then buys me candy, ignores me again, and then hugs me? The boy is giving me whiplash! I don't understand him. Although he accused me of sending mixed signals, I detect some hypocrisy.
We are just friends - but friends don't do that. What does he want from me? After the argument earlier, I thought we made things very clear that we didn't agree on the situation. So then why does he continue to pursue something that I'm not capable of giving him? The embrace was hardly long enough to consider it as hugging - in fact - he barely touched me. But in that incredibly small amount of time, my entire world turned upside down.
I proceed to stare at myself in the mirror. There is a bead of nervous sweat on my forehead and a single teardrop in my eye. I'm so pathetic... I harshly rub away the wetness from my cheeks and take a deep breath to calm myself. Then I do what I do best - stuff all the feelings down inside of me and pretend like they never happened. I have years worth of bottled up emotions that have yet to explode and break the surface - Pamela says that isn't a healthy coping mechanism.
Suddenly, the door to the bathroom swings open. I wipe off the smudged mascara underneath my eyes so it doesn't appear as if I've been crying. With a polite gesture, I turn around to offer a fake smile to the stranger behind me, only I'm greeted by a familiar face.
"Hey!" Valerie says with a friendly voice while she approaches me.
"Hi..." I reply briefly - I'm not really in the mood to endure a conversation with her.
"Are you okay?" she asks, "What happened in there?"
I know that she's just being nosy, and doesn't actually care about me. I don't want to give her the satisfaction of learning juicy gossip after prying into my problems. Instead, I answer with something dishonest and vague, "Yeah, I just had to use the bathroom."
"Really? You ran out of the theater pretty fast," she mentioned.
"Yeah, I guess I just have the bladder of a squirrel," I deadpan.
"Ha! You're funny," Valerie removes some makeup from her purse and begins to primp herself in front of the mirror. After gazing at her reflection for a few seconds, she reapplies her hot pink lipstick, "So... I actually came in here to ask you something..."
Of course, she did... I think to myself with disdain.
"Could you do me a favor?" she requests politely.
I hesitate, but I also know that she wouldn't take no for an answer. I'm sure that Valerie is the type of girl that is used to getting her way. Billy, for example, is wrapped around her perfectly manicured finger. I think it's safe to assume that Casper is merely the next person that she wants to have at her disposal; maybe it's like having a collection of boy toys for her to play with. Valerie wants to be worshiped and fawned over, but I doubt Casper would oblige.
Despite my doubts, I'm afraid that I'm just making assumptions about Valerie. It's possible that isn't her intention. Besides, I know the phrase: innocent until proven guilty. I surrender to the coy batting of her lashes and sigh, "Um... Sure."
Valerie continues to admire herself in the mirror and fixes her hair, neglecting to make eye contact with me despite the fact we are having a conversation. Once the anticipation brews for a moment, she finally reveals her request, "Would you mind switching seats with me?"
I jerk my head back and furrow my eyebrows curiously, "Why?"
She chuckles and then smirks playfully, "Because I want to sit by Casper."
I swallow a hard lump in my throat, "Oh..."
"I mean if that's okay with you," she quickly corrects herself, attempting to maintain her ladylike manners. God forbid she's anything but nice. Valerie smiles at me, "I would totally understand why you wouldn't want to... Any girl would kill to have your seat next to him."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, come on! Don't act like you don't know that Casper is cute! He's like, the cutest guy ever! Seriously, he's so hot you could bake cookies on him!" she enthuses, and giggles afterward at the mere thought of him, "He's literally perfect."
Yes, perhaps... But she failed to mention that his only flaw is the scar on his forehead; but should it even be considered a flaw if it's so adorable? I doubt she even noticed. However, I have always admired even the smallest details about Casper... I keep these thoughts to myself.
Before I could respond, she continues rhapsodizing about his appearance, "He's so tall and muscular - have you seen how green his eyes are?"
"Not really," I lie through my teeth. Of course, I have! It's his most beautiful quality. Not like it matters to Valerie, she didn't even mention the specks of blue around his iris.
"How could you not? He's absolutely dreamy... I've been trying to get his attention all day! Actually, I've been flirting with him for years. But he never picks up on the hints... It's like he doesn't even notice me. I don't understand, most guys are like obsessed with me. I can't ever seem to catch a break from all the stupid love letters and flowers. It's annoying sometimes."
"How terrible..." I mutter sarcastically with a monotone voice, "I can't imagine. It must be so hard having other people love you so much."
"I know right? It's such a heavy burden to carry," she sighs dramatically, "But that's why Casper is so refreshing! He isn't like other guys. It's fascinating... He's just so... different. Like, he doesn't just want to have sex with me or anything. He's respectful, friendly and charming - such an adorable gentleman! He's sweet, ya know?"
"Yeah..." I mumble under my breath.
Everything she said about him was true; at least she isn't just interested in him for his good looks. But still, it seems shallow... Yes, he's an adorable gentleman, but does she know that he had a goldfish named Benjamin? Does she know that he's a messy eater and his nose scrunches up when he chews like a little bunny rabbit? Does she know that he's scared of spiders, clowns, finding strange hair in his food, the bubonic plague, expired milk, people with unnecessarily long fingernails and zombies?
But most of all, does she know he loves bikes, beaches, and afternoon waffles?
I know Casper better than she does. Not only that, but I took the time to find out. I didn't chase after him, desperately vying for his affection. I sat with him and listened to him play guitar in a meadow. I sat with him and played the secret game. I looked beneath the surface and discovered that he possessed so much more than a body so hot you could bake cookies on him.
Valerie doesn't care about that. I'm sure that she has good intentions, but I don't think she likes Casper for the right reasons. He deserves better than that. I might not know what better is, but I'm nearly certain that it's not Valerie. If it was, then maybe she wouldn't be wearing a shirt from Forever 21... she would be wearing the Happy Sweater.
"Earth to Chloe?" she says, waving her hand in front of my face.
"Hm?" I reply absentmindedly, then realizing that I've zoned out again after becoming lost within my own thoughts.
"Will you switch seats with me?"
"Because you want to sit next to Casper?"
"Duh..."
I pause for a moment and think about my answer. After a few seconds, I tilt my head to the side and arch an eyebrow at her, "You know Billy likes you, right?"
Why did I say that? I shouldn't have embarrassed him like that... But still, it seems rather rude of her to reject him when she knows that he wanted to sit next to her tonight. Especially after the fiasco that he endured earlier when he attempted to compliment her. At the diner, he was trying so hard to pursue Valerie, but she completely ignored him. How could she insult him like that?
"Yeah, I know," she groans, her tone of voice was cold and empty, "It's pathetic."
I'm suddenly offended by her rude comment and suppress the urge to respond furiously in his defense. I'm very protective of Billy and I become very resentful when he's treated unfairly or disrespected - it gives me flashbacks of when we were kids. However, I know that being angry will only make the situation worse. Instead, I manage to simply ask, "What?"
Valerie sighs heavily and rolls her eyes, she seems irritated, "Don't get me wrong, Billy is a nice guy... But he's too desperate. Back at school, he would follow me everywhere. He always asked to sit with me at lunch or help me with my homework. I've turned him down countless times, but he never gives up. The boy needs to catch a clue! Sometimes I just want him to leave me alone because I'm clearly not interested."
I clench my teeth together and strive to remain calm. It frustrates me to hear this... Actually, it infuriates me. I hate when the people I care about are ridiculed - especially Billy. However, I bite my tongue and attempt to understand, "Why not?"
"I mean, I guess he's cute... But he's boring! I can barely tolerate a conversation with him. Not only is he awkward, but he just wants to talk about football and video games," she scoffs, "Did you see what happened earlier? His failure of an attempt to flirt with me? It was a disaster! You should have seen how uncomfortable I was... Oh my god, he's so annoying."
"Don't you think you're being a bit harsh?" I reasoned with her, "I'm sure that he was incredibly nervous to sit next to you... As for the so-called disaster, he only wanted to impress you! Do you have any idea how scary it is to build up the confidence required to talk to your crush? Not everyone has a fan club of people that worship them for being attractive... You claim that he's annoying, but shouldn't you appreciate the fact he even tried?"
"Well, actually-"
"He might be awkward, but that's only because he's always been his worst critic," I interrupt briskly, with a tinge of bitterness, "Billy is the teacher's pet, the star athlete, and the cutest boy in school simultaneously. However, I think that reputation is what convinced him that he must maintain that status and glory," I pause and slowly become angrier, "He puts so much pressure on himself to be perfect and the least you could do is show some fucking compassion!"
Valerie's eyes widen and her jaw drops to the floor, "Whoa... Um, I'm sorry? Jeez, what was that all about?"
I release a deep breath and calm down, "Look, I didn't mean to get angry... All I'm saying is that Billy is a good person..."
I smile inwardly and think about him with such admiration, "He's funny, polite and compassionate. With his cute button nose and winsome little smirk, how could you not find him just so utterly precious? He's very warm and gentle. You'll never see Billy without that endearing smile. He cares about people so much. You should be thankful because you're lucky to have the attention of someone like Billy."
Valerie crosses her arms over her chest, "It sounds like you're the one who's interested... If you like him so much, why don't you sit next to him?"
"Because I'm a good friend, and I wouldn't hurt him like that knowing he likes you," I scoff under my breath with wry amusement, "Besides, I don't feel that way about him."
She nods her head, "Understandable," she pauses and something slowly dawns upon her, "How did you know all that... about Billy? You just met him today."
I realize that I might have just snitched on myself. I've somehow managed to keep our secret for nearly the entire night. I would only add fuel to the fire by telling the truth. I can't fail the mission now... Although I'm panicked, I strive to remain calm.
With composure, I quickly attempt to recover and fabricate something to deceive her, "Um, well... You heard Billy. It was like he said earlier, we once had a few mutual friends... I heard a few rumors about him and whatnot, but it was just some friendly gossip about his personal life - nothing bad. His reputation allowed some words to travel down the grapevine, that's all..." I chuckle nervously, "Since we didn't meet until today, I never knew him personally. But from what I've seen so far, he's cool."
"Oh really?" Valerie doesn't seem convinced, but nevertheless, she can't endure a conversation topic that isn't about her for more than a few minutes. Therefore, she continues primping herself in the mirror before changing the subject, "So will you switch seats with me or not?"
Although this favor has been patiently waiting for an answer, I'm still reluctant to agree. I can't seem to forget about the fact I don't like the idea of Casper and Valerie together. Not only that, but I would feel incredibly guilty for betraying Billy and preventing him from redeeming himself. What kind of friend would I be if I allowed her to humiliate him... Again? It's my duty as his ex-big foster sister to ensure that doesn't happen. I want Billy to have another chance. I shouldn't tamper with their potential relationship. Therefore, I should just refuse her favor.
I hesitate, but decide to let her down gently, "I don't know..."
"Oh, come on... Please?" she begs.
Why am I having such a hard time giving up my seat? Is it because I didn't want to cockblock Billy? Or is it because I didn't want to cockblock myself? Maybe I just didn't want Valerie to sit next to Casper... I still don't understand. Why would that be the reason?
"I just don't think that's a very good idea," I explain briefly, unable to articulate my thoughts.
"Why not?"
"Um..."
"Well? Why don't you think it's a good idea?" she folds her arms and narrows her eyes with the perfect amount of mascara at me, "Are you jealous?"
"Of course not!"
"Then what's stopping you?"
"I shouldn't-"
"Chloe, forget about the situation for a moment and just tell me the truth."
"Because Billy likes you and Casper doesn't," I manage to blurt. I can't believe I said that. I could have been slightly more subtle about my feelings. I shouldn't have been so harsh. However, maybe the cold, hard truth will do her some good.
Valerie sighs and for the first time tonight, she makes intense eye contact with me, "Casper and I are meant for each other..." she declares emphatically, "He just doesn't know it yet."
After hearing those few words, I was submerged into deep contemplation. The more that I think about it, I slowly come to terms with the fact that she's right. I should consider the possibility that Valerie might be the one for him. With my heart breaking into a million pieces, I stare at her and notice just how much more beautiful she really is compared to me - inside and out.
Valerie is gorgeous, optimistic, and friendly - not cynical, pessimistic, and defensive. I'm sure that if Casper asked, she would actually admit that she likes him as more than a friend. Instead, I'm the one who typically uses sarcasm as a defense mechanism. I'm the one who doesn't allow him to become close. He deserves better than that. I might not know what better is, but I'm nearly certain that it's not me.
Valerie's words echo inside my head... Any girl would kill to have your seat next to him...
I ran away from the cute boy that wanted to cuddle with me in a movie theater. I've been so terrible to him because I'm so fucked up inside, and I know that I can never make him happy. The fact of the matter is simple: I'm not good enough for Casper and I never will be. So then why am I pretending like everything is okay? I should just quit while I'm ahead...
After releasing a deep breath, I finally agree to switch seats, "Okay."
"Oh my god! Thank you so much!" she attempts to hug me, but I put out my hand, keeping her at an arms distance... No physical contact under any circumstances. She chuckles, "Sorry, I wasn't trying to invade your personal space. I'm just so excited!"
"Yeah, who wouldn't be?"
"I know right? Okay, how do I look?" she asks me, posing in front of the mirror. She fluffs and grooms her hair, making seductive facial expressions while admiring her reflection.
"Nothing less than perfection," I mumble.
"Do I have anything in my teeth? Should I reapply my lipstick? What about perfume?" she continues to preen herself, picking at her face and fixing her makeup.
"I think you're fine," I reply blankly.
"Thanks! Okay, I'll see you back inside the theater! Wish me luck!"
After she leaves the bathroom, I wait for a few minutes to stare at myself in the mirror and scold myself for what I've done. I'm a horrible friend... I know that I shouldn't have hurt Billy, but I think that maybe I did the right thing. Hopefully, he isn't too angry with me. He's chasing after the wrong girl, I'm just trying to help him realize that. Besides, Casper and Valerie will finally have the chance to become the perfect couple - I'm sure that's what they've always wanted.
I stay in the bathroom for a while and continue to degrade myself in the mirror. I take a deep breath and build up some courage before returning to the movie theater. I carefully place myself in the seat next to Billy and to say that he doesn't seem very happy would be a monumental understatement. We both glance over at Casper and Valerie, who have already begun a private conversation. After overhearing their jokes and flirtatious laughter, I think it's safe to assume they are enjoying themselves. Billy scowls at them furiously, but I attempt to ignore them.
I'm startled when Billy aggressively nudges me with his elbow to grab my attention, "What the fuck happened, Chloe? You went to the bathroom and when you come back, my future girlfriend is sitting over there with Prince Charming."
"We switched seats," I explain with a monotone voice.
"Why the hell would you do that?"
"She wanted to sit next to Casper."
"And you agreed?" he seemed incredibly offended, "You know how much I wanted to sit next to Valerie! Don't get me wrong, I'm sure that she didn't share the same enthusiasm. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not very smooth with the ladies... I know that, okay? Sue me! Now, maybe my attempt to seduce her might have not been very successful-"
"To say the least," I mutter sarcastically.
"But you knew that would hurt me... Why would you do something like that?"
Although I should apologize, I feel so numb to the pain that I just can't muster up the energy to give him the explanation he deserves. Therefore, I simply utter the words, "I don't know..."
Billy groans under his breath, trying to stay calm and quiet in the movie theatre, "Chloe, I've been trying to pursue Valerie for years now! Not only were you supportive, but you've been my wingman this entire night. How could you stab me in the back like that?"
I keep trying to find compassion within me. I keep trying to redeem myself. I keep trying to allow the emotions to emerge and not bury them inside of me. However, once again all I can manage to say to him is, "I don't know..."
Billy glares at me with an uncontrollable rage that I've never seen from him before, "You have nothing to say for yourself? Can you just do me a favor and tell me why you think that you should play Cupid and decide who gets to fall in love?"
I close my eyes to hold back the tears, "I don't know..."
With his eyes narrowed into thin slits and his mouth twisted into an ugly grimace, he becomes exasperated and growls at me, "Well, what the fuck do you know?"
"She doesn't like you, Billy!" I exclaim abruptly, "Just forget about Valerie!"
With that statement, his animosity fades away and I can almost hear the cracking noise of heartbreak within his chest. He doesn't seem surprised, but most certainly discouraged. Billy's eyes glisten with tears and the expression of disappointment upon his face melts into utter despair. His voice trembles with fear when he asks, "What?"
However, despite the fact that I'm only pouring salt into his wounds, I continue ranting about my resentment and pessimism, "Sometimes in this world, we should just stop being so damn stupid..." I declare, venting all the cynical opinions and internalized emotions I've suppressed, "We think that we know better and we don't. We think that we can make them happy but we can't. We think that we are meant to be with them and we're not... Grow the fuck up, Billy!"
After I utter those cruel words, I realize that Pamela was right. I shouldn't stuff all the feelings down inside of me and pretend like they never happened because those years worth of bottled up emotions that have yet to explode and break the surface eventually will - and they did. Perhaps that isn't a healthy coping mechanism after all...
Although I expect retaliation or some form of hostility, I receive nothing... Instead, Billy looks at me with eyes completely void of emotion. They are dark and cold. The crystal blue orbs within his face that are usually brighter than the sun are now darker than the deepest abyss in the ocean. He isn't angry, in fact, he isn't even sad... His expression is blank. It's quite strange - I have never seen him so empty inside.
Billy casts a vacant stare towards Casper and Valerie. With seductive body language, she leans over and whispers something in his ear. She flirtatiously bats her long eyelashes and twirls a strand of hair around her finger. The faint light within the movie theater illuminates the sultry smirk upon her lips and she giggles at him.
Suddenly, there was a rather predictable jump scare in the movie. Valerie gasps and clutches onto Casper's bicep. I suspect that she was merely pretending to become the damsel in distress and took advantage of the opportunity to fondle him. However, despite the lack of subtlety, Valerie doesn't hesitate to utilize her feminine assets to her benefit. With a delicate touch, she slowly caresses his muscles and massages his arms with long, gentle strokes.
Billy watches them for a moment and then abandons the thought. After a few seconds, he looks at me one last time before standing up and leaving the theater. He never reacted. He didn't utter a word. I think that's the part that scares me the most. I'd rather him be furious with me instead of being apathetic. He's become distant - so far away from me that I can't reach him and I'm afraid I've done something unforgivable.
The people around me have turned into ghosts. They are floating in the room, but not truly here. The hearts within their chest have stopped beating. Instead, there is a hollow chasm. Their souls were consumed by darkness - the fear of being forgotten. They have become empty inside. These ghosts are lonely and haunted by unrequited love.
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AUTHOR'S NOTE
Hey there! It's nice to see you again!
I would just like to say that I'm so proud of myself! "Why?" you might ask... Well, I've set a goal to write and publish more chapters this summer, and quite frankly, it's been less than a month since the last chapter of BBAAW! This story is finally becoming something greater each and every day. If I'm being honest, I never expected to get this far!
Although I was initially nervous to publish this chapter, I'm glad that I mustered up the courage to do exactly that. But I'm very thankful that you are here reading with me! I will be the first to admit, it required tremendous determination to publish this... I had to just bite the bullet and press that little orange button :)
Unfortunately, since such a perfectionist, I'm always scrutinizing my work and degrading myself. Essentially, I'm my own worst critic...
I constantly think that my chapters are too long and boring. I'm afraid that my story isn't interesting to the reader and that I'm wasting my time developing the characters when the plotline is demanding more action and romance.
However, it's important to me that I stay true to my characters. Chloe and Casper need time to experience new adventures and grow together. They are both just awkward teenagers that are insecure about their emotions. I want to be realistic; this journey requires patience and they have much more to discover within themselves before they can finally understand what it means to love someone - because that shit is confusing!
First, they must learn to love themselves. Therefore, I've finally accepted the fact that romance will need more time to blossom! Because, my dear reader, the saying is true: slow and steady, wins the race!
Thank you for being on this journey with us!
Yours,
Paris
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《 Published June 15th, 2019 》
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