"I wonder why Nico gave this to me..." I muttered as I placed the white Calla Lily in the clear vase on top of my bedside table.
Although I was still a bit confused, I couldn't deny that receiving the flower form him sent butterflies to my stomach.
As a guy who received a flower from another guy for the first time, I was having mix feelings. My emotions are basically so complicated at that moment that I can't comprehend it myself.
If that flower came from any other guy, I would be weird-out about it, I'll be really uncomfortable, but since it came from Nico – the boy who I stole a kiss from and then subsequently fell in love with – receiving that flower made me really happy, beyond any words.
I was happy and yet it felt weird.
How should a teenage boy feel after receiving a flower from another boy?
It was so confusing for me. My mind was already in a whirlwind for falling in love with same sex, and then that same boy I fell in love with have to give me a flower.
Somehow that made me scared. Being happy with that flower made me feel like I was really choosing another path, that I was accepting the fact that I swing both ways, which was still pretty much unthinkable for me.
I'm not like that.
It's just that Nico is different.
Right?
"He even called me Drew..." I sighed. "...and it actually felt good..." I sighed again. "Wake up, Kyle Andrew, you need to fight that feeling, you need to forget it, you're not supposed to fall deeper." At that moment, I was still very confused. I still had no idea what to do with my feelings for Nico.
I knew that there's nothing wrong with love, but falling in love with the same sex was still a very unfamiliar territory for me. I had no idea how to deal with it at all. I know that, still, same-sex relationships are hard to accept and understand, and quite honestly, I find it hard myself to understand what I was feeling. Yeah, sure, I accepted the fact that I am in love with Nico, but all I accepted was the fact that I am in love with the person that he is, the fact that he is a boy, as I am, was still very difficult for me to fully accept.
I hated myself over it.
I cried many times because of it.
Now, I am starting to realize that maybe there's nothing wrong with it, because, being with Nico felt so right and so good.
I was still worried, though, that maybe falling in love with Nico was something very wrong, that he isn't the right person for me to love, and with what happened to my parents, I knew exactly the consequences of falling in love with the wrong person.
Ever since Nico appeared in front of me, everything became more complicated. Sure I had accepted the fact that I am in love with him, but still there's something at the back of my head shouting that what I was feeling was wrong.
I woke up the next morning and the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was the white Calla Lily that Nico gave me. Then suddenly, I begin to think; what would Nico feel if he finds out that stole a kiss from him? Does he even have a clue that it was me who saved him from drowning?
That kiss was a secret that I wanted no one to find out, it was a secret that I was really embarrassed of. And experiencing the joy of being close and friendly to Nico strengthen that desire.
I was worried.
I was afraid.
If Nico finds out, then surely he would hate me. He would be disgusted. He would push me away.
I don't want that.
I don't want him to hate me.
I wanted to be closer to him.
"Good morning..." I said while looking at the flower. "And now I'm talking to a flower... great..." I sighed as I stepped out of the bed.
"What's with the long face?" My Mom asked as I sat down for breakfast. "Did something happen last night?"
"Nothing... I'm just a little bit tired, I guess. You know, with school stuff and such."
"You don't have to go to the shop every day after school. You should enjoy more, join some clubs, and go out with your new friends. Do things that a normal teenager would do, but don't get into trouble."
"Just listening to that makes me tired already..." I complained. "Why can't I just stay at my room?"
"Because you're not an old man, Drew." My Mom chuckled. "You have to explore the world, experience new things, and have fun. You don't have to be afraid of making mistakes, it is part of being young, and it's how life teaches you. There are many things the world has to offer, you won't get to experience it if you stay lock up in your room."
"But I am having fun..."
"Drew..." My Mom said and raised an eyebrow.
"I get it. I'll try to have more fun..." There's no winning against Mom at all. I knew she was worried about me, because unlike other teens, I was not very active. The only times I go out of the house, was if I would go for a swim at the lake, but now that we moved to a different town, there was no lake for me to swim, no place for me to go.
School was practically uneventful that morning. I can't really say that fitting-in in that new environment was easy, but it's not that difficult either. Socializing is not a problem with me, and despite the fact that I hate going out of the house, especially at night, I really love having people to talk to. They give insights, ideas, stories that I couldn't acquire on my own.
Thanks to Perry, I have a lot of people around me, well, maybe too much people, but I can work with that. I hope. I was in a large group of people during lunch, including Perry, Gale, and Dion. I still don't get why Perry was adamant in making me famous in campus. It really didn't matter to me. All I want is to fit in, and start a new chapter of my life.
"About Nico..." I suddenly said out of nowhere, which surprised everyone at my table.
"What about him?" Perry asked.
"He seems like a friendly guy..." I said very carefully.
Everyone at my table suddenly laughed. Obviously, they thought I was kidding. "That is the best joke I've heard so far..." Perry said as he laughed. "Nico Bellard, a friendly guy?"
"We have nothing against Nico Bellard, but he is not the nicest guy out there, you know." Dion said. "Don't be fooled by his nice smile or laughter, he only does that around those he treats as his friends. And those people are very few. I mean, we are juniors now, and I still yet to see him approach anyone but his group of friends."
"Really?" Maybe I was being naive, but I felt kind of special, since Nico acted very friendly towards me yesterday.
"Yeah, the friends he has now, they've been his friends even before he entered highschool." said Gale.
"I see..." Something must've happened that made him stop making any new friends.
"To put it simply, he hasn't talk to any other student here, but his friends. He would just either look down on you, literally, grin at you, or brush pass you, most of the times he would simply ignore you, like you don't exist at all." Perry said.
"Then what about outside campus?"
"The same treatment." Perry replied. "Who knows if he would even recognize you as his schoolmate?"
You're all wrong. The Nico I met, the Nico I talked to yesterday was not like that at all.
"Hey, hey..." Gale suddenly said. She sounded a bit panicked. "He's looking at us... Do you think he heard us talking about him?"
"That's impossible..." Dion said as we all looked at Nico walking towards our table.
My heart started beating fast as Nico walked towards us. I guess I would never get used to his presence. Somehow, he would always make me so excited and nervous at the same time. After accepting my feelings for him, after admitting defeat to this love, I learned to enjoy that sensation in my heart as well. It was not pain anymore, but overflowing joy that wanted to escape from my heart. It felt painful, because I tried so hard to contain it, but the moment I learned to let go of that happiness, the pain disappeared altogether.
Love isn't painful.
Fighting it, that's what painful.
Nico stopped by our table and everyone was surprised and speechless. I guess it was the first time that Nico did something like that. While standing just beside me, Nico looked at everyone at the table, no, it was more like he glared at them. Then I heard him click his tongue.
"What's with the face?" Nico suddenly asked. I was surprised, and it made me look at him at once.
He was smiling so brightly down at me, that my heart skipped a beat. Having him stand so close to me was enough to make my heart go insane, but to have him talk to me in the middle of that crowded cafeteria made my heart overload.
"Hello? Is something wrong?" Nico asked and then chuckled at me.
"No, it's nothing. I was just surprised, that's all. I just didn't expect that you would talk to me here. You have the reputation of being not a very friendly guy, you know." I replied, hiding my nervousness.
Everyone at my table looked sharply at me.
"I see... Well, I don't really care about that, and neither should you..." Nico said and smiled again. "So, how was your day? Any trouble in your previous class?" He asked.
"I'm doing fine, so far, nothing that I can't handle. I'm quite smart, you know." I said and then smiled back at him. There was no way that I would have troubles in class. Back in my old school, I was an ideal student. A straight A student of some sort. Well, you can say that I am smart, really smart.
Nico laughed lightly. "Ehh... how confident..." His laugh was beautiful as well.
"Well, just a little..." I laughed as well. "If you're having problems with your classes, I could probably help you. I'm also a great teacher." I added in a mock boastful tone.
It happened again. Even just by a little, my old self came back.
"Really? Too bad... I'm quite smart as well." Nico replied and then chuckled. "Ahh, that's right. Here." He said and then handed me an envelope.
"What is this?" I said as I took the envelope from his hand.
"An invitation, for our company's anniversary party next Saturday." Nico said with a smile.
"Ehhh... why are you giving me this? I can't go, that's impossible." There's no way I could attend such event. Why is he even inviting me in the first place?
"You should come, absolutely." Nico persisted. "I want you there, alright."
"But..." Those kinds of things are not really my thing. How can I tell him that I hate big parties like that?
"I'll get angry if you don't come." Nico said while looking at me seriously. I don't want him to get angry at me. Sometimes I wonder if Nico could read my mind. "You'll come, right?" He asked again.
"I guess I have no choice..." I replied. "I'll come." Nico have a way of persuading people without really sounding persuasive. For me,
"Yes! That settles it." Nico said with a bright smile. "Then, I'll see you later." He said cheerfully as he left the table. Was it just me, or was Nico happy to hear that I would be coming?
"Hey, Kyle, my friend..." Perry said suddenly. "Can you please explain to us what just happened? Why are you suddenly so friendly with Nico Bellard?" Perry asked as all eyes at that table - probably at the whole cafeteria even – were on me.
Perry and I were on our way to the gym for our P.E. class, right after lunch. We just changed into our P.E. uniform and I was already feeling tired. Aside from swimming, I'm not really into any other physical activities. It's just really tiring for me.
"So, are you going to spill the beans or not?" Perry suddenly asked as he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "I won't let you go until you do." He said.
Why is he even so curious? Was it really that weird, Nico being friendly with me? Just what kind of reputation does he really have in that campus to make everyone so interested in that simple matter? No matter, I'm just so happy that Nico approached me. He even invited to that party.
No. Get a hold of yourself. You shouldn't be that happy. Perry could certainly sense that. This is dangerous, I should be careful around Perry, or else he might find out what I feel for Nico.
Perry squeezed me tight all of a sudden. "What are you smiling about? How suspicious..." He said.
"Alright, alright, I'll tell you." Perry's too damn strong. He's really something else. I really have to be careful around Perry, one wrong move and he could find out everything.
I wonder what Perry would think once he finds out that I am in love with the same sex. Would I lose a friend after that?
I did tell Perry what happened the day before, minus the part where Nico called me Drew and gave me a white Calla Lily. To which his only response was "How suspicious... how very suspicious..." I mean, what does that even mean?
We entered the gym with Perry's arm still around my shoulder. On our way to the benches, a basketball was flung towards our direction at an incredible speed. "Watch Out!" We heard a guy on the court shout. I pushed Perry away to avoid either of us being hit.
"That was close..." Perry sighed.
"Sorry! Are you alright?" It was Nico rushing towards me.
You must be kidding me. How many classes do we have together? This is mad. I'll go crazy even before this school year end.
"I was playing with my friends and I was trying to steal the ball, but I guess I pushed it too hard." Nico apologized.
"We're fine..." I looked at Perry and saw him gave a sarcastic smile at me. "I guess..."
"Are you hurt anywhere?" Nico asked me.
"Not at all. I'm more resilient than you think."
"That's great... Say, do you want to play with us?" Nico offered with a bright smile.
"I'm sorry to say, but Kyle doesn't really do sports." Perry suddenly said as he put his arm around my shoulder once again. "Right, Kyle?" He asked as he looked at me with an unnerving little smile.
"Well, yes..."
"I see... Too bad..." Nico replied. The brightness on his face was gone, his forehead was furrowed, and his eyes were sharp and piercing. Is he angry, for some reason? Nico walked away leaving that impression.
"Was he angry?" I muttered as I sat on the bench with Perry.
"Who knows...?" He replied. "But I suggest you be careful around him, from now on."
"Ehhh...? Why?"
"He obviously threw the ball towards us on purpose." Perry said seriously. "And didn't you see what he just did, he totally ignored me, it's like I wasn't even there." He complained.
"What are you saying? He apologized to us. And there's no way he would've done that on purpose, I think he's really nice."
"You mean he apologized to you, but not to me. A really nice guy wouldn't throw at basketball on anyone's face, you know. Why are you even defending him?" Perry asked in an interrogating tone.
"I was just... just... just..." What should I say that wouldn't make Perry any suspicious?
"Are you bullying your own friend again, Perry? That's not too nice. Well, for an asshole like you, I wouldn't expect less." Claire suddenly appeared and sat down beside me .
"What are you doing here?! Don't tell me you're in this class too?" Perry sounded really revolted. "You must be kidding me?!"
"I'm not happy to be here either, you know." Claire scowled at him.
"You should avoid that amazon, Kyle. She's really competitive. She would break your leg if need, just to win." Perry said.
"Huh?! You should watch your tongue, or I'll pull it out." Claire said as she stood up and looked at Perry angrily.
"Wow! How violent!" Perry said and then stood up as well. "Here you go, pull it out then, you violent excuse for a girl!"
At that moment, the coach blew his whistle. Thank goodness...
The P.E. instructor made us fall in two straight lines facing him, and after some introduction, he told us that the activity for the day would be dodge ball. Claire and Perry looked both excited, I guess they were both competitive. For me, I didn't really care for the game.
My game plan was simple; get hit by the ball early in the game and then sit on the bench the whole period. Call me an old man, if you want, but I really hate sweating and getting tired.
The team leaders were picked, for team A it would be a boy named Adam, for team B, it was Evan, a friend of Nico. The team leaders get to pick the first member of their team, alternately, then the members they picked would get to choose the next, and so on. Claire and Perry was both picked by team A, much to their disappointment.
Nico was just picked by Evan, and it was his turn to choose for a team member. One of his friend, the one who shouted 'Watch out' at us a while ago was on the same line as I am. If I'm not mistaken, his name is Levi.
The whole class was so sure that Nico would call Levi's name, but to everyone's surprise, Nico didn't call his name. "Drew." Nico said in a smooth manner.
"Drew? Who the hell is that?" Everyone in the gym was so confused. Everyone had no idea who Nico was talking about, well except for me and Perry.
"Hey, there's no Drew here." Evan told Nico.
"There is." Nico said shortly. "What are you still doing there, Drew, come here." Nico said while looking at me.
I can't believe my ears. Nico called me Drew again, and in front of all those people. I was happy. I was really happy. I stepped towards Nico's team to everyone's surprise. As expected, hearing Nico call me Drew sent an overwhelming sensation of excitement and joy to my whole body.
"Ehhh...?!" My classmates reacted.
"Wait a minute. Your name is Kyle, right?" A girl named Dina asked, she was on the same team as Nico and I.
"Yes..." I replied.
"Then, why did Nico call you Drew?" She asked.
I was about to recite my usual reply – the one where I explain about my parents' name preference, and how my Mom ended up calling me Drew – but Perry suddenly interjected. "Let me save us some time from Kyle's long explanation." He said and then smiled at me. "His name is Kyle Andrew, and his Mom calls him Drew."
"Ehhh... I see... Then can I also call you Drew?" Dina asked.
I heard Nico clicked his tongue. He was standing so close to me that it was impossible to miss. "No, you can't." I replied, quite annoyed. Hearing someone else calls me Drew still annoys me greatly. When Dina called me that, my blood kind of boiled. It was a special name that Mom could only use, well Mom and Nico. I guess Nico is really special, aside from Mom, he's the only that can call me Drew without my blood boiling and all.
Love really is something else.
It can evoke many emotions.
It can drive people to do the craziest things.
It can cause changes.
Most amazingly, love can bring miracles.
No. Love is miracle.
"You better give up while Kyle is still calm." Perry told Dina. "He gets really annoyed and angry if someone else calls him Drew." Dina fell silent after that.
"What's with the face?" I asked as I saw Nico having that unusual expression on his face. He looked disappointed and yet angry at the same time.
"Are you angry, because I called you Drew many times? Should I stop calling you that?" Nico said. I don't know if I was hearing it wrongly, but I think he was sulking.
"No. It's alright." I said instantly.
"But, your friend said that you hate it when other people call you that..." Nico said.
"You can call me Drew anytime you want. I won't get angry. I would actually be happy if you continue to call me Drew. I have no problem with it, since it you." Ehhh?! Wait a minute?! What am I saying?! What's with that happy and cheesy remark?! Why do I keep on digging my own grave...?
"Really?" Nico asked as a small smile was forming in his lips.
Take it back. Take what you said back and tell him to call you Kyle like everyone else does. "Really." I replied with a smile. Haa... I'm such a fool...
Nico chuckled. "Thanks, Drew." He said with a bright smile.
I could feel my cheeks burning as I looked at his smile, so I looked away to save myself. As I turned my head, I saw Perry glaring at me and then shaking his head. "How very suspicious..." He mouthed at me.
The game started, and Perry's team threw the first ball. The ball was coming towards me and I made no effort to evade it. I wanted to be out of the game as soon as possible. The ball almost hit me, but then someone held me on the arm and then pulled me, making the ball miss. The moment that hand landed on my skin, electricity flowed throughout my body.
"That's no good, Drew. You can't let yourself get hit by the ball on purpose." Nico said and then grinned at me.
"Ahhh... you found out..." I said and then stuck my tongue out a bit.
Nico chuckled. "You shouldn't try that again, Evan is really competitive. He wouldn't let anyone go for losing on purpose." Nico explained.
"Ehhh...? But, I don't really like sports... it's too tiring..." I complained.
"It's alright..." Nico said and then wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "I'll make this game fun for you."
Nico's touch was simply electrifying. It was a brand new sensation that I've never felt with anyone before. I was scared, because I knew I was falling deeper in love with him. I was in a cave, a very dark cave in which I couldn't see any sign of an exit. It was a very frightening thought. I kept on asking myself if there is a way out of that love, or would I suffer in that love for eternity. Never did it crossed my mind that moment, that in that cave I call love, there are countless gems and treasures that I could find.
Being so close to Nico was not good for me at all. My heart was slowly picking up its pace. It was starting to beat faster and louder. If that continues, then I would lose focus altogether. What if Nico hears my heart beat? What if he feels it? What if he finds out that I feel excited whenever he's around? What am I going to do then?
Nico did make the game fun for me, not because the game was fun in itself, – I still think that it's too tiring – but it was fun because Nico was beside me all the time.
At that time, I realized, that everything would be fun, even the most boring kind of trivial work, as long as I am with Nico. It doesn't matter what I do or where I am, as long as Nico is with me, then I'll be truly happy. Isn't that why we are so fond of love? Because it gives us great deal of happiness even though we don't really know why. Even if there's nothing to smile or laugh about, we will, as long as we are with the people we love. Because that what's true love is all about, true love is a love that gives joy for no reason at all.