A few days had passed since Julie had learned about Johnny's death. Harry was in the kitchen making a light lunch. As anticipated, his wife was having a bit of an up and down time with the news. One minute she seemed to accept it; the next she seemed to struggle with how she was feeling. He also figured she wasn't being as open and honest with him, as she would be with someone else. She knew his feelings towards Johnny. Knew that he hated the bastard for how she had been treated, and what Johnny had done to her. Harry tried to understand her being conflicted, and he was trying to be supportive, but Julie knew he wouldn't quite get it. She needed her best friend, and in this case it was Amanda, not him.
So, this morning, he'd made the executive decision to call Amanda and ask her and Niall to come over. They had been out of town until yesterday, and Julie refused to bother Amanda with the news while they were gone. And then she said she needed to give Amanda time to settle before she told her. He admired his wife's lack of selfishness, but sometimes it drove him crazy. She needed to take care of her mental health, too. He had talked her into writing for a bit after she talked to her agent earlier. They were discussing a publishing date for her novel, and it was something she was struggling with releasing now as well. Even though it was fiction, it was based enough on reality where she wasn't sure she wanted that much of herself out there. He kept telling her that no one but those who knew her best and already knew her story would know any of it was based on truth, but of course she wouldn't see it that way.
Harry wiped his hands on the kitchen towel when the door bell rang and went to answer it. He smiled as he saw Amanda standing on the step. "Hey, you. Thanks for coming." He said as he hugged her and kissed her cheek. He stepped back and let her inside and then shook Niall's hand and gave him a half hug. "We need to find more time to spend together."
"Thanks for asking us." Amanda turned and looked at Harry as he shut the door. "But want to tell me why? I'm a bit suspicious."
"I can't just ask our best friends to come spend some time with us? I mean, we are about to have a baby, and we haven't seen you much at all. And hardly at all since Thanksgiving." Harry chuckled.
"I know. But, something tells me this isn't that." Amanda crossed her arms. When Harry gave her a quizzical look, she rolled her eyes. "You called me, Harry, JJ didn't. You didn't call Niall. Usually JJ calls me, or you call Niall. Not that it has to be that way, but normally if it's a 'let's just hang out' request, that's how it goes."
"Geez." Harry shook his head at Amanda. "Fine, I think she needs to talk to you. We're good, before you ask. But, sometimes she needs someone other than me, and now I think is one of those times. You may be able to understand a little more than I can."
"What the hell is wrong?" Amanda asked giving Harry a glare.
"I'll let her fill you in. I think she's in her office. She was writing last I knew." Harry gestured to the stairs.
Amanda shook her head. "I hate it when you do this. Just tell me."
"You have done the same thing many, many times." Harry laughed. He picked up a tray he'd put some of the food he'd made on. "Here's some lunch for the two of you. Niall and I can eat out here."
Amanda took the tray never taking her eyes off of Harry. "I'm not going to like whatever this is. And I hate that." She watched Harry shrug, gave Niall a glance, and then walked up the steps to find JJ.
Niall sat at the counter and picked a half of sandwich off of the plate Harry had them on. "Ok, now that she's gone, care to share what's going on?"
Harry shook his head as he grabbed two beers from the fridge before joining Niall at the counter. "A few days ago, Julie's mom called her and told her that Johnny was killed in a bar fight."
Niall started coughing as he choked on the bite of sandwich he had just taken. He picked up his beer and took a drink as he tried to calm his coughing fit and clear his throat. "You're fucking kidding me?"
"I'm not." Harry said. "I even double checked. The obituary is in the paper and everything. I had to make sure the asshole was gone and wouldn't come back."
"Wow. That's, quite the news." Niall looked at his sandwich and then back at Harry. "Yeah, it couldn't have happened to a nicer guy." He added sarcastically.
"Yeah, I know. And at first, I was shocked and didn't know how I felt, someone dying and all, but the more I think about it, I'm glad he's not going to have a chance to hurt Julie or be around at all when Grace is born." Harry admitted. "What he did is unforgivable, even if he has been out of our lives for years, he was always a thought."
"Yeah. I imagine Grace being safe has to be a relief." Niall picked up his sandwich again. "I'm guessing it's rather complicated for you too, man. Maybe Julie isn't the only one who needed someone to talk to. This whole fucking thing is frustrating, but now, it's over. Once we get through this, there's nothing else that he can do to mess with our lives."
"Well, he will always be a part of her. The way she's been built is because of what he put her through, but physically he can't hurt her, and it will now always be in the past."
Niall sighed. "Harry, no matter how she should feel, or we feel, it's still a huge deal. He clouded her mind for most of her adult life. Even if she is relieved, it's a huge change."
"Yeah, I know." Harry sat up and grabbed his beer and took a drink. He then picked up his sandwich. "I'm sorry, but you're gonna hear the truth. I'm glad the son of a bitch is dead. My girls are safe, and I don't give a fuck if it's because he's dead."
Niall couldn't help but laugh. "Yeah, I get it. And I get why you can't tell JJ that. So, I'm glad you kept it for me. Thanks for lunch, mate."
Amanda walked to the door of Julie's office and opened it. It really was just a bedroom that Harry had told Julie to use as an office. She had finally put a desk in there, with a couch and a few other pieces of furniture, but it wasn't anything proper. Amanda thought it sweet of Harry to want Julie to have her own space to use, even if Julie didn't really use it for anything other than an escape. "Hey, bestie. I brought lunch."
Julie looked back over her shoulder from the window. She hadn't been able to concentrate much after her phone call so she had given up a bit ago and was just looking out the window. "Hey, I heard the bell but didn't expect you, or I would have come down."
"It's ok. Harry invited me. Apparently, you're supposed to tell me something." Amanda set the tray down on the desk and looked at Julie expectantly.
Julie nodded slowly as she looked back out the window. "Yeah, I'm not surprised. He's not the most patient person around." She took a deep breath and pushed herself off the window frame and walked towards Amanda. "It could have waited until you were back a few days and settled."
"I'm back, and I'm settled." Amanda watched Julie walk towards her and smiled as she got close. "I swear you grow so much every time I see you." She reached out and put her hands on Julie's stomach. "You definitely are doing right by this little one in here. Although, she doesn't seem so little anymore."
"Yeah, she kinda hurts, but I can handle it." Julie watched Amanda as she bent over to talk softly to her stomach. "So, Panda, how come Grace isn't going to be a cousin yet?"
Amanda started laughing. "There's time. We got a lot going on."
"As if this was the most convenient time for me to have a kid?" Julie raised an eyebrow.
"No, but it happened. And if it happened for me now, I'd be ok with it, but I'm ok that it hasn't yet. Although maybe after I see how beautiful she is, and how perfect you look holding her, I'll change my mind." Amanda kissed Julie's stomach and stood up.
"My bubbly, happy, pregnancy personality hasn't convinced you yet?" Julie asked sarcastically, walking over to the tray of food.
"Almost." Amanda laughed. "Almost, JJ." She picked up a sandwich and went and sat on the couch with a napkin. She watched Julie come sit next to her. "So, what's got Harry thinking you need to talk to me so bad that he's calling me personally?"
Julie shook her head and took a bite of her sandwich setting it down on her napkin after and setting it on the table in front of her. She looked at Amanda. "You may wanna eat first. You might lose your appetite if you don't."
"Fuck, JJ. Really?" Amanda followed Julie's lead and set her sandwich on the table. "Now I'm more than curious. What's going on?"
"Johnny." Julie said simply, watching Amanda's reaction.
Amanda's eyes widened as she stared at JJ. "Johnny? Are you fucking kidding me?" Yeah, her appetite was gone. What the fuck did the bastard want now? "What could he possibly be after? Does he know you're pregnant? Is he playing some twisted game? Let me guess, he swears the baby is his, and you've been pregnant like 10 fucking years?"
Julie couldn't help but laugh a little, but tears were also forming in her eyes as she did. "I believe that would even be beyond his psychosis." Julie took a deep breath and then looked back at Amanda. "No, Panda, he went and got himself killed."
Amanda was shocked. Well, she was, but she wasn't. It really didn't surprise her with his temper that someone would kill him. "Really? Who killed him?"
Julie shrugged her shoulders slightly. "Some guy in a bar. Guess a bar fight broke out, and it ended outside, and Johnny never woke up. Probably could find out, but I haven't really looked. Harry has; he probably knows. Not sure he really believed Johnny was dead without confirmation."
"You're crying." Amanda, a bit perplexed, scooted closer and took Julie's hand. "Why are you crying?"
"I don't know." Julie admitted. "I keep doing that. And I don't know why. I keep thinking I should be thrilled. But it hits me and I just start crying. Every time I talk about it, I just cry again." Julie shook her head and tried to gather in her emotions. "I know it doesn't make any sense, but I can't seem to help it."
"I mean, I'm not going to pretend I'm sad that the bastard is dead." She watched Julie look at her. "I'm sorry, JJ. I'm not. He deserved it, and I'm sure he asked for whatever he got. It couldn't have happened to a nicer guy."
"I know." Julie shook her head and pushed herself off the couch after she slid her hand from Amanda's. "But he's dead, Panda. Look, I wanted him out of my life, too. Hell, I wished him dead more than once, but now that he is..."
"JJ, you wishing him dead had nothing to do with him getting himself killed. And even if it did, it's karma. Right? He did horrible, unforgivable things to you. Whether or not you will ever blame him, he almost killed you, and I'm guessing it was more than once. Ok, I'm not even guessing. He pushed you down the stairs. He gave you pain pills from a guy three times your size instead of taking you to a hospital, he left you bleeding on a floor as he walked out of your house." Amanda got up and walked up to Julie and took her hands. Her emotions had gotten more riled up with each act she'd stated, and the bit of sandwich eaten felt a bit uncomfortable in the hollow of her stomach. But she could see that her best friend had some doubts. "JJ, he doesn't deserve your sympathy now. He doesn't. It's just me here; you don't have to say what you think is right."
"I wish I didn't feel anything. I don't want to feel anything. Anything other than relief, but I can't help it. Maybe I didn't want him dead. Because it hurts, and I really didn't expect it to hurt." Julie started to cry. "It shouldn't hurt. Because he ruined my life. For years, he caused me so much fucking pain and misery. He chased me from my home, and my friends and family. It shouldn't hurt. I shouldn't care." She was angry. She was angry that she was hurt and upset, that even from the grave Johnny could make her feel this way.
Amanda took a breath. Maybe she shouldn't have been quite so open and honest. Julie would have a different reaction than anyone else. "I'm sorry. You're right. This probably isn't that simple."
"It should be though. I shouldn't be conflicted over a guy who treated me the way he did." Julie wiped at her tears. "So, why does it bother me? Why does every time someone says they are glad he's dead, it actually hurts?"
Amanda led Julie back over to the couch and helped her sit back down. "I don't know, JJ." She leaned over and picked up a napkin from the table and handed it to Julie so she could wipe her tears. "I'm not sure I can help you with that. I'm not sure any of us can. None of us thought at any point that we were in love with him. I imagine even if it didn't end the way you expected, or even though it ended horribly, I imagine no matter what, love means something." Amanda was at a loss, because she didn't really know. "I'm just guessing. I honestly have no idea. I never went through anything that you went through. Have you talked to your therapist yet?"
"No. I will. It just happened a couple of days ago. I haven't had an appointment yet. I'm not even sure they'll understand. I don't understand." Julie slumped back on the couch. "He was good to me for like 6 months or so, way in the beginning of our relationship, and it was horrible for a lot longer than that. Why do I want to remember those few short months instead of all the shit he did to me now just because he decided to go be stupid and get himself killed? That's not my problem. Why do I feel like I somehow could have prevented it?"
"JJ. Come on. There's not a single person on the planet that could have prevented this. Well, there is one, and that is Johnny himself, and he wasn't ready or willing, apparently. You gave him forgiveness, and you told him you wanted to see him happy. You gave that man a hell of a lot more then he ever deserved." Amanda looked at Julie sympathetically. "You tried, and I hate seeing you like this over that bastard. But it definitely says more about you than it does about him. You've always been a much better person than you've ever given yourself credit for. To be this upset that he died, after everything, I'm not sure whether I should hug you or shake you."
"I know." Julie rubbed her face. "I wish I knew why it even mattered. Maybe I just hoped, that at some point, he'd learn to just be happy. To learn that he could have someone without having to manipulate, hurt, and control. That maybe, after everything that I went through, something good could come out of it." Julie closed her eyes and shook her head. "What am I saying? Without him, I would have never come to LA. I would have never met you, or Harry and Niall, I wouldn't have anywhere near the life I have. I guess it can't be much better than that, can it?"
"No, not really. I have to say, you have a pretty awesome best friend. And your husband isn't half bad either." Amanda laughed. "That's my girl. It might take you awhile, but you figure things out. I wish you'd never had to go through what you went through with him. But I will forever be grateful that you came to LA. I don't know what I'd do without your cranky ass."
"Thanks, Panda. What an amazing speech that was." Julie slapped Amanda's hand off her arm.
"Hey, can't be too sweet for you." Amanda reached back for Julie's hand. "I'm glad you came, and I'm glad you stayed. I wouldn't want any other best friend. If you need to go through whatever this is, to figure this out, then I'll be there for you. Even if I do think you should just say 'good riddance' to the asshole."
"Thanks, Panda." Julie sighed. "It's not like I want him back. Or to somehow bring him back to life. I just wish, somehow, in the end, this isn't how it had to be."
"I'm sure everyone does. From beginning to end. But no matter what, JJ, he chose his own path. Him. No one else. You didn't lead him to his end. He chose it long ago. Probably long before you." Amanda let go of Julie's hand and rested it on her stomach. "You have a lot of other stuff to worry about now. Johnny and his poor choices shouldn't be the ones keeping you up at night, but if they are, make sure you deal with it. Call your therapist. Make an extra appointment. Grace and Harry deserve all your attention. Well, especially Grace. Johnny has taken up more of your life already than he ever should have. He's at peace. Finally. Let's get it to a place where you are too."
"Yeah, I know you're right. I just wish I could convince my whole being of that." Julie sat up and pushed herself off the couch again. "I wanna go get some fruit. I just don't want a sandwich right now. Besides, do you think both of our husbands are pacing the bottom of the stairs, or just mine?"
Amanda chuckled as she stood. "Probably both. Should we be nice and make some noise before we go down so that they have a chance to pretend they weren't?"
"I guess. I mean, I suppose we can be nice to them every so often." Julie smiled opening the door.
"Yeah, let's just not make it a habit. I like keeping them on their toes." Amanda grabbed the tray and made her way out into the hallway.
"Panda, I'm sure if I asked Niall, he would never complain about you being boring." Julie said as she closed the door a bit loudly after Amanda walked out. "They probably heard that, right?"
"Yeah, I'm sure they did." Amanda laughed some more as they walked to the steps. "And no, I'm sure the last thing Niall would call me is boring." She walked towards the kitchen to see Niall and Harry perched on the stools at the counter. "So were we loud enough to give you guys to have time to pretend you weren't worried?"
"Worried?" Niall asked. "What would we have to be worried about?"
"What was taking us so long." Amanda set the tray down and looked at him. "I know Harry told you what happened, and I also know that as soon as that name was muttered, worry happened."
"Yeah, maybe a little, but we figured you had it handled. We were going to give you all the time you needed. I don't know what you think we were doing down here, but we probably weren't." Niall looked at the food on the tray. "But, it seems you two need to eat."
"Yeah, JJ wasn't feeling the sandwich after our talk so we came for some fruit." Amanda turned towards the fridge.
Harry instinctively rubbed his hands over Julie's stomach as she came closer to him. "You ok? You look a little stressed still."
"Yeah, well, I am. I appreciate you calling Panda, and trying. But it's just not that easy of a fix. It was nice having her here though." Julie put her hand on Harry's which was still on her stomach. "Trust me, I know some of how I'm feeling seems crazy, and even I feel like I shouldn't be conflicted, but I am. This just isn't how I wanted to see his end. I need a little time to accept it, and adjust to it."
"I just thought maybe Amanda would understand a little more. Be a little more what you need." Harry helped Julie sit on a stool next to him.
"Are you kidding? She probably is less understanding than you. She basically said 'good riddance', and she probably would have helped bury him if she could have." Julie took the bowl of fruit Amanda got for her.
"Well, I'm not saying I wouldn't have. A final confirmation." Amanda leaned on the counter across from Julie. "Maybe it's different seeing it from my perspective. Not living it, not having any feelings towards him except disgust and hate. But I would have made sure he was buried and never able to come back, for sure."
Harry rested his arm on the back of Julie's stool. "Well, besides physically going and doing just that, I did have my lawyers confirm everything. Hell, I was afraid it was another one of his games." He looked over at Julie who was just staring into her bowl of fruit. "But, it was confirmed. Baby, I'm sorry. I know it's hard for you. But he can't hurt you, and he can't hurt Grace, or ever see Grace, and I am grateful for that."
"I know. I am too." Julie sat back against the low back of the stool. "I guess I just hope he is resting in peace. If he couldn't find any peace while he was alive, I hope he found it now. I guess I'll just look at it that way."
"That's probably more than he even deserves, JJ." Niall reached over and put his hand over Julie's. "But it's a very good way to look at it.
"I never believed I deserved it." Julie looked at Niall and then Amanda and then into Harry's eyes. "Happiness. Contentment. Safety. But I got it. I got chased away from everything that I knew, but I came to LA and found my home. I found my life. I found everything that I never knew I wanted or needed. I guess I just choose to believe that everyone could find that at some point if they could just find the right person to believe in them." She tried to choke back the emotion in her chest. "If the three of you didn't believe in me, if the three of you didn't fight me, and fight for me, I don't know where I'd be. I feel lucky, and I just feel if it can happen for me, then it can happen for anyone."
Harry reached up and cupped Julie's cheek. "You had to let it, eventually."
"Please, I fought. I fought hard, and continuously. And if it wasn't for you fighting back, all of you, I'd still be alone." Julie wiped a tear from her cheek.
Amanda looked at Julie and Harry. "Yeah, but JJ, you weren't Johnny, or anything like him. Some people wouldn't let anyone fight for them, or with them. No matter what you say, you love hard, and a lot. You just don't say it. That wasn't Johnny. Stop comparing yourself to him. You were never like him."
"Yeah, maybe you're right." Julie looked back at her bowl of fruit. "I guess just because he's dead I shouldn't look past everything else he's ever been. Even the devil was an angel once."
"We love you, JJ. No matter how that crazy brain works. But, try to see things for the way they were. Don't let the current circumstances manipulate the truth. He was not a good guy. He manipulated you when you first met and showed his true self later. Don't forget that just because something unfortunate happened." Amanda slid Julie's phone across the counter to her. "Call your therapist, set up an appointment, and I'll take you whenever you're ready to go. If Niall has to go out of town before you go, I'll stay to go with you. He can live without me for a few days."
Julie picked up her phone and nodded. "Yeah, Panda, I'd really like that." She wished things had been different. Her whole adult life she had been wishing things had been different. But, feeling the love and support she had right now, with Amanda, Niall, and Harry, maybe things happened just the way they were supposed to. She would have never decided to come to LA if she hadn't had to run from Johnny. LA would have never been on her radar. But when she needed to escape and she didn't want to be found, she figured the bigger the place and the further away it was, the better. And now, she had everything anyone could want. A husband she couldn't love any more and a perfect baby on the way. A best friend who would take a bullet for her. Another who was as solid as a rock. Two more that came later in life but who she wouldn't trade for anything. If there weren't ever a Johnny, there wouldn't be any of what she had now. Johnny chose his life, and he chose his death. Now it was up to her to choose her own fate. She could continue to let Johnny consume her mind even in death, or she could live the life she now chose to live. She dialed and put the phone to her ear as she looked around the room. Yeah, she chose the latter. It was time to talk it out with a professional and move past this. She had a life to live. One that was now free from Johnny physically forever, it was time to try to move past him mentally more permanently as well.
Man, I want friendship and love like this...if only I could write real life how I want it and make it come true...
Thanks for reading and your patience...hope to hear your thoughts...
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