Please note that I ask a lot of questions throughout the review, you by no means have to answer them, they are simply to get you thinking more in-depth about your character. Enjoy!
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Actual name: Alexander Trix McLean
Religion: Christian
[ How seriously did he take his religion?]
Reason or meaning of name: Since his parents were unmarried and wanted to go their separate ways, they named their child Alexander which means "Defender of men".
[ I'm struggling to see the correlation between his parents wanting to go separate ways and him being named "defender of men". From my point of view, it would make more sense for Alex to be called something to do with freedom or moving on. There doesn't need to be a reason for his name, especially since it's a pretty common name. It's good that you've got a reason, just a shame it doesn't quite fit together yet.
On to the middle name, if we're giving out name meanings, might as well as go full out and give the middle name's meaning as well. I'm more interested in the reasoning behind the name Trix than I am with Alexander. Think about why Alex has a middle name of Trix. How did the parents go about deciding whose last name Alex would take?]
Also known as/ Nickname: Alex
[ The realisation that I can't go 'What does Alex think about this?', 'What does Alex think about that?' has hit me... and now I'm sulking. If I can't get to know this 'mindless creature' whose one concern is self-preservation, then I'll get to know the thing that came before. What did our pre-zombified Alex think of his nickname?]
Date of birth: Jan. 29, 2012
Age:21
Age of death: 21
Date of death: April 14, 2033
Gender: Male
Species: Zombie (Obviously Alex is a zombie and zombies are mindless creatures who mainly focus on hunting, killing and eating. I have my headcanons that zombies have a herd/mob mentality and work better in groups. And that they have stronger senses and have enough strength to fall a (birch) tree as our "upper brain"-the brain that makes us choose between life or death, makes hard decisions in life and holds back your primal instincts- shuts down after dying or being infected with a zombie-like mutation. This allows humans to be primal. Did you know that a human jaw has enough power to bite off a finger like a carrot? We can do that, but our brain tells us not too because it's bad.)
[ Interesting concept, it's going on my list of favourite strong zombie reason concepts.]
Weight: 122 lbs (lost about 20 lbs due to muscle deterioration and decomposition)
Height: 5'8"
[ His pre-zombie, as well as the current height and weight, are fine, nice detail with his weight loss due to decomposition.]
Current location: New South Wales, Australia
Age they appear: 17/19
Body build: Swimmer, lean.
[ Seems like an ectomorph.]
Glasses or contacts: Contacts
[ I hope Alex died with his contacts in, we get to look at the delightfully {brutal} side effects of over wearing your contacts if he did.
Let's say Alex did die with his contacts in, to put it bluntly, he'd most likely be blind or at least on the journey to inevitably becoming blind. The lack of oxygen to his corneas is going to seriously damage them, not to mention the bacteria the lenses would have racked up without proper cleaning. It's not very nice but it's bloody interesting, a blind zombie Alex would have to rely a lot more on the herd and likely his own hearing for survival.]
Overall attractiveness: Moderate, but was self-conscious about his body (as most people are nowadays)
[ Is he still moderately attractive as a zombie? Say we can't see his bite mark and he's not covered in blood, are they any visual indicators that he's a zombie? He's stated to be dead so I'm assuming he'd be at least paler than the non-zombies.]
Scar: A large bite mark
[ Probably spoiler but how and when did he get bit? How did he feel after he was bit, knowing {assuming he knew what was going to happen after if got bit} he would become a zombie?]
Posture: slouched, unconfident.
Usual clothing: Stuck wearing a simple white tank top, cargo shorts and blue Nikes (which are now torn, and have dried blood spots.)
[ Torn, dirty, maybe a little too big for him because of weight loss and depending on how long he's been a zombie, probably a little more than just a few blood spots.]
Hair color: Dirty blond
Hair length: Short
Eye color: Jade green, with flecks of blue.
[ If we go for the 'died in contacts' idea, his eye colour would probably be a hazy version of the above with nasty red veins covering his sclera, maybe throw in a corneal ulcer or two for good measure.]
Skin Tone: Ruddy
[ Unless the radiation for some reason that is beyond me, is keeping his skin this healthy colour, I reckon it would only make sense, seeing as he is dead, that his skin would be pale, or at least more on the blue side.]
Characters soft spot: Jamie, Rose
Is this soft spot obvious to others?: Very. He hesitates to kill them, even if he hasn't fed for a week.
[ So he isn't entirely mindless, seems he's got some awareness of who he was, he's able to remember and respect his relationship/feeling for these two characters if he's willing to risk starvation for their survival. Would have liked to have known a little more about them and definitely a little bit more about pre-zombie Alex, but hey-ho, we can't have it all. When zombie Alex looked at Rose and Jamie what does he see? Does he know why he can't kill them?]
Physical strengths: Able to have an advantage in water (since Alex was a athletic swimmer), can run on all fours up to 35 km/h, able to climb rocky surfaces as he climbed rock walls as a hobby when he was alive.
[ How did Alex get into these hobbies? His climbing and swimming?]
Physical weakness: Being near a fire as it hurts his vulnerable insides when he is too close.
[ What about his similarly vulnerable outsides? Unless the zombie process gives Alex some sort of heat barrier that stops intense heat from causing pain then I'm sure his outsiders would hurt just as much as his insides? Or maybe I'm reading it wrong and you mean that fire at a distance caused him pain, if so why? It just needs explaining a bit more.]
Being near electricity as it weakens his sense of direction (mammals have a magnetic internal compass that guides them to breeding grounds, hibernation places or better food sources.)
[ Fair enough. I'd argue that, although not a physical, his reluctance to kill Jamie and Rose could be a weakness. His reluctance could his demise due to starvation. Alternatively, this could be a strength {because, of course, I bullshit this into both a strength and weakness}. It would show some level of awareness of who Alex was prior to becoming a zombie, perhaps some sign that whatever has caused Alex to become this way can be undone or reversed to some degree. I'd imagine it would more so affect the non-zombie people dealing with Alex than it would Alex himself, it's a strength that could give some shred of hope to survivors.]
How they kill: Animalistic mauling
Weapons of choice: teeth, nails, nearby objects.
[ What condition are his teeth in? I'm not sure how I feel about also using nearby objects, seems a bit extra especially when your zombies have got that 'primal power/strength' you might as well just showcase that seeing as you've put so much work into making your zombie headcanon.]
Targets: Anyone or anything he can get/that are within range.
[ Probably not other zombies right? Honestly, nothing too exciting happening here, just the run-of-the-mill zombies. Eh, but if it ain't broke...]
Mother: Lina McLean (deceased)
Father: Josh Degeneres (deceased)
[ What did pre-zombie Alex think of his parents? Did they get on? What were they like? How did their deaths affect Alex? How'd he deal with the deaths? How did Alex feel about his parents wanting to go separate ways/ not having married parents or even parents that were still together?]
Siblings: Jamie Fevold
Other relatives: Steve McLean (Uncle)
Friends/ Best friends: Rose White
[ How comes Jamies got a different last name to Alex? What were these people like? Did Alex like them? How would they usually interact? Have a think about giving each character mentioned a little brief overview of their personality and then a bit about how they interacted prior to Australia getting fallout-ed.]
Rivals: the F.B.I, dark web hitmen, cult members.
[Same, same and same. But in all seriousness, why are these groups of people rivals of Alex? F.B.I makes the most sense as they may be helping out with the zombie situation, however, when it comes to the hitmen and cultists, I'm lost.
Pre-zombie Alex liked to play with the dark web so that'll be why the hitmen and potentially the F.B.I are there, but why they are still concerned with Alex? I mean, he's dead, so... yeh. I'm sure they'd be aware of nukes being dropped no matter what country the hitmen are from, with nukes being dropped and doubt some kid pissing about on the dark web is going to be at the top of their concerns, same with the F.B.I. Wouldn't these people just be part of his targets, I'm assuming like anyone else he's going to attack else people on site.]
The opinion of other people in general: (when alive) He tolerated everybody and didn't hate them for no reason.
[ Come on, we can make more of this. Why did he choose to do this? Well, he's Christian, isn't he? We could say he followed the Bible teaching of treating others how you want to be treated. If you wanted to be extra, you could find the actual Bible quote. That way it'll give the above a bit more something to it, as well as bringing his Christianity into the swing of things a bit more.]
A most important person in character's life before the story begins: Jamie Fevold, as he took care of Alex after Alex's [their?] parents died.
[ How did Alex feel about Jamie taking care of him? How did Jamie assist Alex with dealing with their parent's deaths?]
Eventually, Jamie had to leave Alex with his estranged uncle Steve as Jamie grew to be a mob boss of a Russian gang.
[ How did Alex feel about Jamie leaving him with uncle Steve? Did Alex know for Jamie's role in the Russian gang? How did Jamie even get to become the boss?]
There is a 7-year difference between Jamie and Alex. Alex lost a major person in his life.
[ Which was whom? Alex's parents? How did the death of this major person affect Alex?]
Jamie was the one who screwed Alex's head on right after the Australian Nuke explosion, [where his parents died].
[ How did Jamie do this and how did Alex feel about nukes being dropped and having to deal with the 'new' world?]
Before: A human, struggling to deal with college and 9-5 jobs and lives with his uncle in a 2 bedroom flat. Soon gets addicted to getting strange items off the Dark Web, but the fun soon turns into danger as Alex hears the nuclear alarm go off. He called Jamie in a panic and soon the Australian and the Russian go underground.
[ How many nukes were dropped? Was it all on the one day? Or spread out over a week or so, for example? I only ask because he seems to already be living with his uncle prior to any signs of nukes being dropped. I reckon it's just a typo sort of mistake and he was meant to be living with which even parent ended up having Alex.
Either that or you wanted Alex to be living with his uncle prior to the nukes being dropped, if that's the case, you'll need to re-think his parent's death as well as Jamie taking Alex to his Steve's. How did Alex first get introduced to the dark web, why does he enjoy ordering things from it?]
Backstory info: The Australia Nuke was launched to wipe out Australia, and it wasn't the only country for it to be destroyed. France, Asia and Madagascar were nuked as well by the order of new laws imposed in most major countries in 2023.
[ Well looking at today's current most powerful countries, it would seem that Germany, UK, US, and the Europe third of Russia done teamed up to destroy Asia, Australia, France and Madagascar.
Jokes aside, why just those countries and continent? What the hell went down in 2023 that caused the destruction of the largest continent?! Of course, I know due to spoilers I ain't gonna get the answer to that but still.]
The nukes caused leftover radiation to mutate wildlife and any survivors of the nuke.
[ That, I think, would be called the nuclear fallout? Pretty sure it's fallout anyway.]
Alex was able to go underground with Jamie in a large vault that all countries and states created in case of a major disaster. (Like a nuke, a meteor or a disease like the bubonic plague). After a few years, Jamie, Alex, and about 17 others emerged and were met with zombie-like creatures. It was life or death for the survivors. >cue start of the story here.
[ Ultimately it was death for our friend Alex.]
Now let's get down to business...
Pros
· Good zombie concept, interesting primal strength and herd things going on.
· Weight and height are all good and nicely detailed with the deterioration. We can also have fun with his contacts and blindness.
· He's not entirely mindless, it's still somewhat aware of who he was and the relationships he had. We could still do with exploring why he hesitates to kill these people.
· Interesting fears, they could do with expanding a little more, but interesting nonetheless.
Cons
· He's dead, and he's still quite handsome and healthy in appearance as well as shockingly clean for someone who mauls at people. If it's dead, sooner or later it's going to start to look at smell like it too. If you just mention somewhere how long Alex has been dead for, it'll give some insight on how 'dead' he appears.
. I don't think we need him to use 'nearby objects' as weapons just stick to the teeth and nails, you've based the zombies on having this primal strengths so might as well show it off.
. We need to work on his relationships with his family and friends, as well as just having another look at his rivals and seeing if and how they are still relevant.
. His backstory is a bit vague, think about how Alex would feel in the situations he finds himself in.
Possible Improvements/Changes...
No problems with he being called Alexander, you could have just left it at that and not given any reason for that name and it would have been fine, it's a common enough name. However, it was nice to see a reason behind it, shows that there is a show level of thinking going on. The issue is I'm struggling to see where the reason and the name connect together. A couple of ways of going around this follow;
1. Have a little revisit. Think about and expand on how a name meaning 'defender of men' relates to his parents wanting to separate ways.
2. Nick the freedom/moving on idea. If you're not married to the name Alexander think about renaming him to something meaning freedom or moving on.
3. Look to the family tree. If you're not feeling 1 or 2 but you still want there to be a reason for his Alexander name, maybe he was named a grandad or great-grandad. Perhaps he's got the male version of a nan's or great-nan's name.
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Is Alex meant to be 11 when the bombs dropped? If so, how's he in college or have a job? Either it's number typo with one of the years on your end or my brain just refuses to understand your universe's timeline. I'm guessing the bombs were only dropped once because I don't see it saying otherwise. If there were multiple bombs dropped some time apart from one another just let us know somewhere in the review.
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Think about giving us a little bit about pre-zombie Alex's personality, the backstory makes it seem like we're going to meet Alex while he's still alove and kickin' so we should know at least a little about him and his personality.
We know he enjoys getting dodgy things of the web, so maybe he's curious? He needs to have Jamie tell him to get his head in the game after the nukes dropped, so maybe he depends a lot of others for support, both physically and or emotional? Others opinion of him seems to have no conflicts so maybe he's respectful of both, other people and of their own issues {not getting involved with school/college drama} He used to rock climb, so maybe he's trusting, he's got to at least have had some level of trust in himself/his climbing gear/his instructor to get him up the wall?
That's all I can dig up on Alex's potential personality, if you already know what his personality is like, just give us a little paragraph explaining it. If you don't have his personality down yet, feel free to use and expand on the above to begin to form his personality. Personalities are always easier when you've got something written down.
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With the relationships, give each character a little overview of their personality, that will help others to imagine how Alex and the characters would have interacted. For all the relationships in general, have a wee' gander at this link <https://www.nownovel.com/blog/writing-about-relationships-how-to-make-them-real/>.
It offers some tips for writing a character's relationships. It talks about drawing inspiration from people in your own life, and giving characters' traits that would rub against the others to allow for more interesting and unique interactions and development. Hopefully, it'll be able to help you in some way or another with Alex's family and friends.
Other than working on his family's and friend's personality, have a think about how Alex felt about Jamie working with the Russians if he was aware of it. About how he knew Rose, how he felt about and dealt with his parent's deaths and separation, how he felt about having to live with his uncle. Alive Alex seems a bit blank, especially when it comes to interacting with others, hopefully, by thinking about the above, it'll help insert Alex into the situation some more with how he feels/felt about certain things.
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The backstory is vague, what was he studying in college? What was he aiming to do with his education once he finished college? What was his 9-5 job? How does he feel about living with his uncle? Is he aware of the threat of nuclear attacks/war? How and when did he first get into the dark web? What experiences with hitmen, F.B.I or the cultists I did Alex have? [Guessing they are rivals caused by his dark webbing.]
The part where they actually go underground isn't the best set up, if I'm being honest, it could be worse but it's not the best. Can we think of any alternative ways of getting Alex, Jamie, Steve {if he survived} and whoever into the vault instead of Alex just calling Jamie? I've one idea, Alex being the talented young swimmer he is, is representing his school/college in some national or regional swimming competition. Jamie is in attendance because I don't know brotherly support? However, just before Alex's race, the alarms go off and off to the shelter they go. Take it or leave it, it's free for the picking.
Have a think about what the few years underground was like for Alex, how well did he handle it? Did it change him in any way?
[These are just suggestions, you by no means have to do any of these.]
Mary Sue?
Yes, for me anyway. Main issues would be that he seems quite empty [having no written personality doesn't help but that's not the reason I'm saying he's a Sue.] He's empty in the way that he doesn't have moments when it says what he feels about certain things, major one being his parent's deaths, we know he struggles but not how he struggles or how he deals with it. He appearence is also an issue for me.
Marks & Grades
Originality – 5
Overall Grade – F
'Maybe you think that you can hide. I can smell your scent for miles. Just like animals. Animals. Like animal-mals.'
- Maroon 5, Animals.
Thank you GraniteWasps to for submitting Mr Alexander, it's been a pleasure reviewing him!
[If you have any questions or queries about this review or require any help with this or any future OC just drop me a message, I'd be happy to help any way I can.]
×Isaac×